Since the kids were very little we always had "dates" with them. Usually once per month it is one of the kid’s turns with one of the parents for breakfast, lunch or dinner. We love it and so do they. It’s one of those things that never really fits into the schedules at all, but we all know is important for our connections and our relationships and so we make time for these.
Some years we are lazier (like many years) and some years we are much better (like last year). It’s one of those things like exercise, that you never regret after doing because you feel so much better.
All that to say this week was my date with Beauty. Usually when she was 9 yrs old, it consisted about talking about the menu, her friends, the music she likes, her Justin Beiber nail polish, and when she can have a sleepover with a friend.
Now that she is 10 yrs old our date conversations seemed to have shifted. As in a lot.
“Mommy-how much money do you make?”
“Mommy-I am just wondering what are the name of those things people buy at pharmacies that make you not die if you have sex?” What is sex again Mommy? Do people do it because they like it or because it is fun or to make babies?”
“Mommy-is it better to be the boss at work or the employee? Is it hard to be a boss-do you have to get a lot of university?”
“Mommy in our family what age are we allowed to kiss a boy on the cheek, on the mouth and do sex?” “Do we have to ask you before we do any of that stuff-or ask you or ask you and Daddy both?”
It’s all good and interesting too. Makes me realize how much of a better Mom (I think) I will be to older kids and teenagers than to little kids who ask me to sing lullabies which I have no clue what the words are.
The subject that impacted me the most though was the one about Santa. One might falsely assume it was the sex stuff-but that was easy compared to this one for me.
The context to this is that already this year at Christmas my daughter did not believe in Santa. She had asked me before Christmas if he was real and I told her that it is the spirit of Santa that is real, but there is a lot of make believe stuff too. I did not have the heart to tell her the full on truth so I dodged the subject.
Bad decision.
My Mom noticed this created a lot of anxiety for Beauty this year. Beauty was angry to some degree about this and confused and anxious about my half truth. My Mom suggested that I talk with her about it. At lunch Beauty brought it up before I had a chance to:
“Mommy can you tell me now that there is no Santa?”
“It’s so obvious there is not one, I mean who has time to go around the world on a sleigh to all countries at the same time and bring gifts made by elves anyways?”
“You can tell me Mom. I am the only one in my class who does not know-I need to know. I know that parents tell their kids there is one because it feels good-a bit like when we went to church at Christmas about Jesus and stuff that he watches everyone-but seriously like there is someone in the sky watching everyone at the same time. It’s good lies mommy and not bad lies right?” (OMG!!! Now she is bringing religion into this too-clever mind this one has!!!)
So I tell her there is no Santa. I look her in the eye and tell her the truth. No sugar coating. Just truth. My last child…was officially growing up. My baby seemed to disappear in front of me right then and there at St-Hubert.
She gets slightly teary and then produces a big smile. Then she has a whole slew of other questions ranging from who ate the cookies and wrote all the notes all those years to that she hopes next year I will still bring her a stocking and she does not want fruit in it.
What struck me was not the subject of Santa in these conversation but what she needed from me.
She needed validation. She needed to hear the truth from ME. Her brain would not believe anything fully until I confirmed it and leveled with her and spoke the words out loud.
It reminded me of a book on parenting I read recently that warned parents that the worst thing a mother can ever do to a child is sneak out of the daycare or the schoolyard when your child is not looking (with a close second of allowing a child who is school or daycare anxious- to stay home for the day or stay at the school with them for longer than 2 minutes and prolong their seperation)
It said you are a thousand times better off even if she is wailing and failing her body in your arms for you not to leave, to simply look her straight in the eyes and say “Mommy is leaving, she loves you and you will be ok”.
My Mom was right. I failed to deliver on the initial goods as far as Santa was concerned that is certain. But I made up for it today. I took my second chance at it.
I left that date with my daughter with many feelings and emotions, but the once that prevailed was pride. Pride that I am deliberate enough to make time in the chaos of life for these moments, for these conversations, for the dates. Pride that I know my priorities in life and follow them. Pride that my daughter depended on me-and not her peer group to tell her the truth.
Pride in that I feel in our family, that Stage Two is coming on quickly and that I feel fully prepared. For me the baby and child stage was the dress rehearsal. And now it’s time for the real curtains to open up.
Comfort in finally feeling like I might know my lines in the powerful play called “Parenting”.
(ya ya… I know what you are all thinking when the real teen years hit they will bring me back to my knees!!!) In any case feels good to be empowered at least for this week. Next week is a whole other ballgame right?
