Mission that Makes Sense for Me

It’s been a few years that a Family Mission statement has been on my mind. I love the idea and know so many people from all walks of life that have them. Some friends, some colleagues, well known authors,…everyone seems to tap into this and I love that.

Some of these mission statements when I hear them resonate and others I question “oh really?” and does not seem to suit that family at all from my perspective. Nevertheless they have a mission statement and I do not. Kudos to them.

So my way of this mission statement, has to been to allow it to develop on it’s own over the years..and it seems to have finally emerged in my head anyways. Next phase will be to present it at Family Night and see what the family thinks about it and if it is meaningful to them. If not we will use that meeting to work on one together.

My idea for it anyways is:

Beautiful in-Between

I love it.

What it means to me is that our home will always be a place where we strive for beauty outside of anything else and all other circumstances. It will be a place where we strive to be a haven from an often heartless world. It will be a place that despite the many many elements we cannot control in this world, people and situations, that we can control what we are to each other in our home, what we offer one another and what we provide each other. And that offering has, will and always will be unconditional love and acceptance. In our family-you will be loved no matter what. To me that is what family is.

It means that there is a lot of shit happening around us, to us and involving us (failing school sometimes, friends dumping us sometimes, illness, loss of jobs, not getting what we want, being stressed, and relationships on the brink, bad haircuts, broken computers, eaten homework, bigger butts, puberty hormones) but home will be where we put it all back again and figure it all out together as a team. Home will be the place where no matter what, you can depend on love and gratitude and affection and love no matter what else is going on for your life.

And yes we will have big expectations and would be nice if we all lived into them (university, success, determination, hard works, respect..) but our big expectations will never define our love for you or replace it.

Beautiful is what I feel I have always wanted to offer my kids in between life itself. A good family meal, a great skiing weekend at the cottage, a hug and kiss and a nice tuck in, traditions, great talks, lots of recognition and praise, lots of trust, openness and communications, lots of warmth and loving texts afterschool. Lots of friends and family, lots of cuddling on the couch, lots of trips and travel and discussions and love. Coming home should always be something a family member can look forward too amonght the chaos of life.

And in-between all that there will be an understanding that there will be a whole lot of screaming and stressing, and disrespect and rudeness, and failing , and mistakes and getting it wrong. In our own home and outside of it. But in the end we come together and we are together and we will figure it out together. Here..you are perfectly ok..so show up as you are please.

There were so many other mission statements I came up with over the years but none of them resonated 100% and most were too achievement focused than we are in reality when it comes down to our core values. Work hard play hard were there, determination, education, happiness and love, .etc. .All important, but not important enough to define us. Nothing for us compares to happiness.

Our only goal for our kids in the end is ultimately for them to feel self-assured and happy in whatever form that brings them (whatever profession, gay, not gay, alone, married, bald, tall, short, stuttering, hyper, wall street etc…) Ok ok I sort of  really want my kids to have awesome careers. And be married and have lots of kids…..like as in really a lot…but happiness still is most important! Real happiness.

People have always wondered how we are so close as a couple and a  family? How are our so close.? Closeness has been a cornerstone of all of it through the years..We are not good at a million other things but closeness and bonding of our family of five have always taken full precedence over hockey, soccer, being at different places at different times in the evenings and having activities that separate us for too long on the weekend, in the evenings and especially in the summer and winter. Mission accomplished for that. We never lost sight of these priorities-not ever. We may bitch and scream at eachother a lot…if you watch our family dinner dynamics you can question our closeness…but we love eachother a ton. All of us. Trust me.

So that is what I will propose for our mission statement along with 5 words or statements one coming from each of us that represents what we each feel we contribute to the family in particular. What do we especially bring to the table that the family would not be the same if it was not for this characteristic and this person?

Mine for me will be: making the impossible possible in a sweet way

There we have it! Three years in the making. I will keep you posted on family night in a few weeks and if the family found it meaningful or what else we come up with.

(Right now I am taking half a day off to pack for my 13 day trip with Hubby to Turks and Caicos! Then this afternoon and evening a whole bunch of work for the company I work for since now I have pretty much gotten over the loss of my blackberry and am in function mode again and major catch up time from losing a full day on Friday!!!!)

Belonging

I read a book this week-a fiction one that really got to me. Tears in my mind and everything. And it is written by a pretty cheesy beach writing type too-so strange reaction.

Was about a Mother who gave up her baby for adoption and then the daughter goes to find her at 18 yrs of age.  They end up in this weird happy go lucky situation of the birth Mother and Father with the adoptive Mother and Father at the graduation of the daughter from high school.

At first she is totally fascinated by the ways and riches and coolness of her “new” birth parents and the adoptive parents are scared they will lose their daughter to this coolness. After the girl realizes that it is her adoptive parents who raised her, and saw her first steps, and were there to record her first word, and sat with her as she had her first heartache. They were her real parents even if they were not really.

Anyways made me really ponder the point of how important belonging is. And how we, I, my family, my friends, my colleagues are so much better off when we feel we do. To feel included vs.  excluded. How belonging brings out the best in us.

And how we can never give this to our kids , beyond our own family. They have to find this belonging for themselves. They have to find their own paths. We can’t make them be popular, or religious, or be good in school, or sporty. We can’t make them musical, sociable or respectful. But we can introduce them to these behaviors and guide them with these tools….and somewhere along the way they will belong…somewhere.

I have seen a few examples lately of parents squashing passion out of kids and it has bothered me. Forcing them into a mold that is not right for them (but may be right for the parent). It hurts to watch because the kids could have been so much more if they were left to become who they are…without being told they are someone else.

So this book brought sentiment out of me for whatever reason. About belonging and the hard path it is to get there..for all of us.

The Vision

I have a vision and it is strong.

In it he has a jar of candies at the reception desk in a big glass container and she stops there with a friend afterschool on her way home to take one or two and to give him a kiss.

I picture him going to the depanneur and ordering a sandwich and taking it down to the lake to eat on a breezy but warm day and watching the sailboats go by.

I picture him shopping with his secretary at lunch for her daughter’s birthday gift.

I picture a cozy patio table on a deck outside that he eats at for three seasons with his staff or one of our friends who stops in at lunch.

I picture him going to work there  for a couple of hours a day in summer learning the ropes and responsibility of a job.

I picture him getting off the bus afterschool and going to tell him about his day and the great mark he got on an exam and asking for a quick lift home.

I picture us having important conversations there in his office and making important decisions. Sharing a shish taouk by the lake on a Monday.

I picture her stopping in and saying hi and brightening his day the way she does mine. Maybe bringing him a yummy treat from the village . I picture him going for a walk with him and chatting and being a listening ear for a man that does not often share, but will because he trusts and loves her.

I picture them helping him and choosing the deco, and the furniture and the layout because they are so good at it. I picture him helping him out most, bonding over the modern purchases. The oldest two guys of the family building the family business. Together.

I picture me planning the opening and inviting all of our friends and colleagues and family. I picture ordering sushi and cupcakes and hiring a waiter to serve. I picture creating a big creative marketing spalsh and asking some of my contacts to help me out.

I picture her going on her bike-before it is time to leave for good and stopping by to see him for a chat. Just because she fancies the location and wants to take a peek.

I picture my heart opening like a flower and sharing the happiness I have always had with him. I may picture it..and help make it happen.... but this vison belongs to him. It is his

I picture HIM mostly when I think of all of this with a cloud that will be replaced with sun. A smile on his face, with the pride of ownership, and investment and in building and in the knowledge of a legacy to be left. I picture him feeling good and happy and proud. I picture him loving me for my efforts. Being proud that I can add to making the impossible possible.

I picture him sending me this sign from somewhere. I picture the money he left me contributing to my husband and my family for a place my Dad loved and cherished and where my own roots are.

I like picturing him trying his hardest up there, in a way he was not capable of in real life, fighting to give me and my kids what he could not give me.

And I picture me receiving these messages and these signs and these experiences with a full and open heart

Moving into the next face of my life with forgiveness, charity, unselfishness and continued determination.

Knowing that resilience is a gift if you let it be. Letting it's power seep into my soul for the better.

Feeling like it might be time to finally come back home. Being old enough to create this life for our family and for myself.

And most importantly understanding that home is just where I had left it waiting again to be lived in again

Along with words and the music.

Small Disaster

Nothing compared to the hurricane Sandy but my own form of chaos.

What really, really, really puts me in the worst mood ever today and leaves me paralyzed?

Changing from a Blackberry to I-Phone at work, having my laptop computer gone and trying to give me a new one and my land line phone at work all not working all on the same day. Crap!!!!!!  

And when I have about 30 massive deadlines to meet before leaving on vacation.

So no not a crisis but an emotional disaster.

And I have to say having an international support IT desk at a time like this is just not helping. I know we are supposed to be capable people but there is a limit here!

Makes me doubt after the day that I had today if I ever should have put my kids in such a high performing high school. Sometimes I think they must have too much stress on a daily basis and too much pressure. I don’t know why  today trying to figure out all this technology and fend for myself amist trying to get done and deliver what I need to do made me think of my poor kids but it did…. It was just all too much.

And that is why for the first time ever I am writing a blog from work at the end of my day because Word is about the only thing I can access or do.

Yet hopefully…within the next 2 hrs..my phone will ring..(if I know how to answer it)..and my day will get a whole lot better….technology or not.

(a post for next week and update on how I am scoring with my four  impossible objectives I have committed to!)

Halloween Effort

I tell the truth on this blog so I am not going to start lying to you now.

I have realized over the last few weeks that there seem to be two types of people in this world: People who LOVE Halloween or people who HATE Halloween.

Unfortunately for our three kids both Hubby and I fall into the latter.

I console myself by saying that there are so many things I do as a Mom and that he does as a Dad that nobody else I know do( even the best stay at home mothers). I try and tell myself that physiatrists offices are very unlikely filled to the brim with adults who feel depressed because their childhoods were not filled with the joys of pumpkin carvings. I try to tell myself that we cannot be good at everything, or even most things.

But I still just wish I liked Halloween and costume parties. What is wrong with me?

And yes yes we have done our due diligence for years and years. We used to leave work at 4:30 on Halloween, and we used to take the weekend prior and carve three pumpkins, and we used to take rolls and rolls of pictures of the costumes. We used to take full weekends and search for the perfect outfits, we used to carry heavy UNICEF boxes and make sure they had the perfect flashlights on them.

But we still never liked it one bit. But we pretended very well that we did.

Now we don’t even much pretend anymore,. My Protector and I actually left work late and went out to dinner a deux!!! (Of course my Mom was at home sharing in all the festivities with the kids)

So last night when I read all my fave mommy blogs I felt incredibly guilty and pathetic and lame.  But that’s just life I guess right?

So this year we had Beauty as an  amazing Justin Beiber and Bear as a Morph (can’t really explain what that is I only know it cost me over 40 bucks)

Chase was at home and gave out candy and then juts hung out with two friends at our place and asked us to leave them alone in house (that was a bit scary and spooky in and of itself it!). But he is growing up, and changing,and maturing. And I know by almost 15 yrs old-dressing up as a cow and carving a pumpkin certainly was not at the top of my bucket list either!!!

Thank goodness their friend’s parents are Halloween lovers and so they go over there and get the whole hoopla every year.

They also bring back our excitement when they come home and we sort through all the candy and we eat some and get super into that part.

And I do have one tradition that I adamantly stick to at Halloween and that is: making spaghetti for dinner and shortbread ghost Halloween cookies;. Even when nobody is home (even us) to eat it. We make that (ok my Mom or sitter does) and then someone eats part of it.

Lame. Lame Lame. Yes. Yes. Yes. I know.

Thank goodness I am really great at Easter, and Valentine’s Day and birthdays. I am somewhat good at Christmas and in all of these cases AMAZING at having 30 people over for any occasion at anytime and  host about 20 events per year for friends and family.

(I feel I need to defend myself clearly even though you are not even attacking me)

As my friend and I spoke of the other day, is that maybe holidays are not as important to me because every weekend I really try and make a holiday? With the cottage, and our family time, and skiing and boating and our routines, and fun stuff, and planned stuff that is weaved into our family lives on a daily and weekly basis maybe I just don’t feel the need to put a huge emphasis on holidays?

But I still wish I liked Halloween.

(Although secretly I don’t really on any level understand why any adult would like it really).

But that is what makes the world turn right? Diversity. Everyone likes something different thank goodness.

So kids I do commit to this: If you are scarred and damaged by this attitude of both your parents, we will pay the psychiatrists bills, we will reflectively and actively listen to your concerns and we will force ourselves to change if it has been a really issue and go all our for Halloween with our grandkids and dress up as pirates and spice girls ok?

 Or we will ensure that by Oct 31^st when you are all grown up we go to a condo in Florida and not even be around to miss all the fun! And ask you to mail us a little crunchie bar and some rockets.

Nuances of Power

I was reminded of this word “nuance” today in our team meeting at work.

I like it.

I like that it implies shifts and subtlety. In these last few days I have been dealing with subtle shifts in power which has been quite interesting. It’s fun to watch that as you care less about something the power shifts. You go from being helpless to being in charge and in control.

The nuances of power are in play right now as we speak. Our realtor is meeting with our potential seller about my husband’s potential office and we have gone from truly and desperately caring to a much less desperate state this week.  Third and final offer going out this week; if he does not take it he is simply a fool. And that will be that. The power has shifted. We don’t care as much thank goodness. It was a subtle shift and subtle nuance and I am not really sure how we got here exactly. All I know is that it is a better place to be.

The second power shift has been with my eldest son Chase in the last week. After years and years and years of giving this kid way too much power, for many reasons that seemed to make sense at the time; things have shifted in the last few days.

For the first time ever (thank you God, thank you Dr of mine, than you teenage parenting books, thank you friend advisors!) I feel like I can be a proper parent to this kid in the same way I am to my other two kids.

His power over me, which has always been that I really care about his social life, and if he has fun activities planned, and if he is happy, has come to a raging halt.

And this is a good thing. Trust me.

Because caring too much has prevented me from sometimes tough love and with the particular kid tough love is sometimes needed.

So last night he was widely rude, ungrateful, and disrespectful and completely disregarded authority. And on top of taking away his privileges for today, I went for the cherry on top.

We cancelled his big activity for Friday night that was a social and special  treat for his November break that he was sooooooo looking forward to.

The beginning of his one week off that he had invited a friend to join him in an expensive activity to assimilate surf that we were paying for and going out of our way to bring them to.

Gone. Cancelled. Adios Amigo. Deal with it kid and tell your friend why it was cancelled. Your problem and not mine.

And Hubby delivered the message in a calm and direct way this morning and Chase actually did not take a fit. He sat there and silently took the disappointment.

And low and behold I went to work and did not bat an eyelash.

I do not care.

Did I just say that?? Is it possible? Is it for real?

What an amazing and liberating feeling for me. I think I just lost 10 lbs actually.

And for him a weight lifted too, since all of this is rooted in positive things and me believing in him and his ability to be capable, and make his own plans, and take care of his social life and to function as a good human being would.

Yesterday at one point in conversation when he looked at me and actually started complaining and screaming  in my face and whining that he was annoyed that I was planning his birthday party too far in advance  (even though he asked me too)…I realized that this was my SIGN.

A sign if I have ever had one.

That it was time…to let go. Of caring about that part of his life.

Perhaps he was secretly begging me to finalize setting him free?

Time to give him that big suitcase and let him carry it fully alone.

And he will do it well and gracefully and in his own way.

And as Dr, Bailey was told on Grey’s Anatomy last night  

“And when you let go of their hand you have time for YOU. Time to invent, time to do something amazing. Time to do it in the Dr. Bailey way”.

Here comes Lauren Kate with a lot more braincells about her people.

Claiming it back. Space in my mind and in my heart. Loving him from more of the sidelines and loving myself and the others more front and center for change.

I love you with all of my heart and soul little man. I look forward to you sharing with me the next phase of your beautiful life. I love you fiercely and forever. You are amazing.

Sunglasses

My Sister Savvy and I have always had a thing for good sunglasses. You are not going to catch a cheap pair on either of us. It’s a splurge and each time we see each other usually one of us or both of us has a new pair. Usually from Italy. Ya we are totally spoiled and travel a lot too-but besides that we are both pretty modest and humble people.

(wish I have picture but she has the sunglass ones on her phone!!!)

Well this weekend we used our chic sunglasses for a different reason than the sun. We actually wore them on our walk in the rain in order to have them when we took photos of us so that we looked better. We used them to hide the little growing lines around our eyes and the fact that we look more tired than we did a decade ago. Wearing no makeup and just waking up does not help either!

Our conversations have shifted too. We used to sit around in little bikinis and tank tops and little shorts and talk about what we would name our 6 girls that we would have between us (between us we now have 6 boys and 2 girls). Now we talk about our retirements, how we are going to pay for University of the kids and what type of wedding video we will strongly encourage our daughters to have.

For those of you who don’t already know Sister Savvy is not my real sister but she sure feels like one in so many ways. She is one of my closet, longest, history sharing friends and we have been the type of BFF that has shared many many things together. All the good, all the bad, all the beautiful. We have a good chunk of our relationship lived long distance too-and have done this well. I love her to bits.

And I love that on this weekend we made time for each other and to connect and reconnect, to share and share again. To set the stage for the next big transition of our lives which may require some seriously expensive sunglasses! I love that I connect with her intellectually on so many levels, and emotionally on so many others. I love that it feels like we are at exactly the same stage of our lives even though our lives are very different in some way and so similar in others. And I love that she loves my kids. I love that she invites them to missions, and invites them to tennis camps.

I love her amazing husband and I love her two boys and her three step kids. I love that they all call me “Auntie Tarina”. I secretly most love the CD she makes me every single year and the way she loves poutine.

What I love most about this girl? Is the way that NO MATTER what we always, always find our way back to each other. Always. We are there thick and thin and truly love each other unconditionally.

And the second thing I love about her (ok just as equal) is the Mom and Smom she is. She is in my books…….the very best in so many ways. I love how her stepson sleeps at her ex’s house, I love the way she loves all of her children so much and makes them all feel important and loved always, I love the way she bakes Christmas fudge and does Quiet Elfie. Iove that she loses it on her kids and prays every morning with them. I love the Mother she was and the one she has become. I love that she has made her beautiful life beautiful. I admire the work, the dedication and the tenacity that it has taken to get there. I admire her profoundly as a Mother.

And because of her I have also become a better Mom. She has influenced me greatly. Many of my traditions have been influenced by her, or inspired by her or I have stolen them from her. I copy her shamelessly and this blog is all due to her great idea. She shares her savviness with me and I adore that.

I feel great peace tonight knowing that my kids are all welcome in her home and will get to share a great piece of that mothering pie.  I have always believed that children are better raised by a village and what better village than hers to welcome and ground them through the turbulent years. I intend to make this happen…..thanks so much for the invite!

And I love the fact that even though my husband and I are not very religious… she respects that that she prays for us and our pursuits graciously and honestly and willingly. She prays for us when we need her too without asking any questions-and we appreciate that so incredibly much. Whenever I need a boost or my family needs her-she keeps us in her hearts and her prayers and that is an amazing friend for sure.

So it was a great weekend at Trent just us girls. And I look forward to the many years ahead of us as we continue on our own road of blending the most important pieces of ourselves, our life transitions and our families.

And I will always eat poutine for her, and change my outfits many times for her, and feed her yummy desserts, and talk and talk on couches, and open my mind, and my eyes. And especially try my hardest to be better, and wiser and brighter, and better a Mother-for her and because of her.

This weekend was yummier than the best red velvet vanilla cupcake.

I hope for her I was as good company as her hotdogs and poutines:)