My Invisible to do List

One thing I love about Christmas is how many new books I get. I love all three I’m reading right now. Each book is magical and takes me to a different place. And each one I finish I have learned something new and quickly apply it to my life.

What I have learnt this time is all about invisible to do lists.

At first I thought that the last thing I need is to make mine longer, but have realized that maybe I need to focus more on the quality vs the quantity of mine. I have come to realize, especially as my kids become busy teenagers and my career demands more and more, that I will never ever even get close to achieving everything I want to to do on my do lists. I will never really feel in full control of them. And that creates stress and anxiety for me.

So it’s time to accept that fact and include other more invisible things on there that add more value. I already do this but I will now commit to doing it on a more conscious and deliberate level.

Since I won’t get everything done anyways might as well include more invisible pleasurable moments on there too right?. Moments like last night and rubbing cream lovingly on a cut Chase had. Taking the time to rub it in and rub his hair for him and have a little chat together. Or taking the 15 mins my daughter craves to map out exactly how she will end up marrying Justin Beiber right before bed in my bed. Or looking with Bear at his Facebook pictures and going outside in the snow and taking a few in his new ski jackets to select from.

It might be making sure to take that walk in the morning just because it feels good and not for exercise or texting a friend in the middle of a busy day just because you want to connect. A long and leisurely shower with a new body wash even if you should be rushing. 2013 for me will include a lot more “just because “ and less “shoulds”. The shoulds cause stress, the just becauses are lovely.

And to take the time to give people what they may need more often too. To go and stand outside at that doctor apt waiting for the walk in clinic to open just for company, or to call them and ask them about their daughter’s first word, because it makes them feel good.

As I look back on my life, it was the people who really nurtured me and my soul for whom I have the deepest respect really, the ones who always remember who and what was important to me. Dinner parties although fun and appreciated have less impact. Organizing, planning, calling on birthdays it is all super important but it needs the balance of the unexpected in there. Those moments that cannot be planned or called on. The moments that are invisible. But deeply remembered. The moments that people show you not out of obligation or out of duty..but out of love.

It all comes down to nurturing and being connected.

And as I read these books I feel a guilt, regret that I did not do more of this as my kids grew up, more smelling of the flowers, more appreciation of nature, more carefree moments. But I gave them other gifts and plenty of them and was smart enough to surround them with people in their daily lives who were more than willing to smell the roses with them.

And I think a lot has to do with our own childhoods. My theory is that first and foremost a child must be safe in the world and protected. They must feel that their parents are looking after them, and planning for the future, and taking care of their needs, and teaching them to make good decisions and looking out for the unexpected, Preventing crisis. If a kid feels that security he or he can move on to feel joy and peace and happiness. If he does not feel it..he will cave…or he will create it for himself.

I had beautiful moments of my childhood and a wonderful incredible Mother…but one aspect that was very hard for me was that I always felt like I had to be “on”. I had to plan for the worst, make decisions, and expect that crisis could come about at any moment. And fend it off and prevent it. Maybe it was in my imagination. And maybe it was not. Peace and joy and happiness were there, but outside of myself as a child, for others and I felt not for me in many ways. As an adult it has been extremely hard to change this about myself. My life was so  so much more weighted on the invisible to do lists than concrete learning it seemed to me…I was nurtured so much everyday but what I lacked was a sense of control around me that I had to ultimately create for myself.

I was loved endlessly, don’t get me wrong.But I did not feel led through an often very hazy maze.

I feel that kids who are raised in a very structured environment where the parents take on most of the burden or worry, and planning and organizing and life’s tough moments…..breed kids who can just sweat the small stuff. Who can be children and leave a lot of the worrying to their parents. I may be over structured in my own home and over compensating, but my hope is that my kids will feel a balance between structure and peace. That they will be able to achieve now and as as adults a balance between performance and achievement and peacefulness and playfulness.

I don’t know if the environment I have provided will achieve that but I can hope it will.

So as I move onto the New Year I am starting to get ready to say goodbye to part of my suit of armor. And leave it at the childhood door where it belongs. To allow my list to include the invisible, because god knows I have mastered the other stuff. And even if less gets done in a day, or a month or a year, that I leave that period knowing that many things crossed off were meaningful and wonderful and appreciated.

And now that the structure and foundation have been firmly set in our family…..maybe it’s time to start fully enjoying it all a bit more. The house has been built and it is decorated. Now it’s time to live in it fully.  I have spent so much of my life ensuring the  foundation is strong..it now needs to be tried and tested. My gut feeling? It is powerful and solid-it is finished being built.

And you know what? It is never, ever too late to change.

Get ready to see the very best parts of myself being offered right up to you on a platter if I love you enoughJ) It will be interesting to see who eats me right up. And what the future holds. I have been giving up control for years now. I think it is finally time for the finale.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Here I am blogging away when we have a house of 22 people arriving in 5 mins. This is how I know blogging is a de-stressor for me.

Christmas Eve was pretty much close to my perfect day and exactly what Christmas is for me. If we were not all sick-still after 3 weeks-I would have been able to enjoy every single delicious second…but I settled for most.

At Trent we went on a family skate in the beautiful forest. It is so incredibly beautiful there and we were close to the only people there too. Then we went out for pain au chocolates and hot cocoa at the bakery. At the cottage for some shovelling and skiing on the jump we created in the front yard and met up in the Jacuzzi all five of us with all the windows open. I loved that day.

Home to the city where my Mom was there with fondue and homemade soup and we just hung out. After dinner my Mom and I and the boys watched a very non Christmas type of movie (the three our elf brought hoping they would fall in love with for Christmas were not very popular with my kids!!) Hubby and Beauty went to mass at 11pm at the Catholic Church. I was sooooo happy that Beauty wanted to go with her Dad as it is really not my favorite thing on Christmas Eve but Hubby loves it. Most years we all go…..but most of us would way rather settle in in our new Christmas pyjamas and watch a movie. Hubby loves the music and the choir and so happy that Beauty and he want to go together. A tradition that works well for all of us!

The kids and adults all loved their new Christmas Pj’s and no one ran away. A great start!

And this morning although all still super sick (I am so bloody tired of saying this) we had a great Christmas morning. Everyone loved their gifts and we had hot cinnamon rolls in between.

I got so many nice gifts this year but may favorite was that my husband had all our old VHS tapes put onto DVD……amazing. So our wedding, the babies first years, baptisms, first steps. We watched about 30 minutes and I cried and cried and cried. For the simplicity and joy of those years, for my Grampa who I loved so much, for how young Hubby and I looked!!!

Just watching this one out of 20 videos was the highlight of my year. To look back and remember those moments..brought us so close…..so together…such incredible memories…..such wonderful and precious years that I never ever want to forget. Since we have not had a VCR in years it has been over a decade that I got to see my babies! All the videos I watch are from the last 5 years and it is just not the same to watch kids as it is to watch babies. There is nothing like watching your baby on a video. And your husband rocking him, and singing to her, and dancing with her and loving her. Precious memories.

And now a house full of people in a few minutes. Looking forward to that part too as lots and lots of little kids that still believe in Santa.

I reflected on my kids today at Christmas as every Christmas the same thoughts go through my mind: Very grateful, totally excited, very thankful, very wild, very entitled in many ways (even though they always say thanks), very hyper on vacation, better with the structure and routine of school days than on vacation, totally passionate, totally into life. Love them to bits and drive me crazy all wrapped up in one. Part of “V” in 2013 will just be accepting it all and loving it all as it is. I have to accept my family is often loud and chaotic. Yup.

And they are still, the same babies they were 15, 13 and 11 years ago. One is running in a circle biting his nails with the most beautiful face and smile you might ever see, one is softly following him with his blue eyes blond hair taking up and making his own unique space, and one is trying to fight and find her way amongst these boys…..pushing them away and pulling them towards her. None can ever be found on their own. All are usually rolled up in a wrestle or a ball half wrestling and have cuddling. My three bears. Always were-always will be. No one has changed at all it seems.

Merry Christmas to our old selves and our new selves. To the friends  and family alongside us in those old videos that are still in our lives now and to the friends and family that we will hold in our hearts forever through our memories and through now our DVDs which will never let us forget. We wish you all wonderful Christmas time in your family and very Happy New Years

 PS-Now about to go to bed. Guests have left. It was a beautiful Christmas. It was we had 8 children under the age of 8 here and it was so much fun to watch all the cousins. Our three are so good with them,,,,I love watching them take care of their little cousins. And we had our niece; Spanish in-laws here too so five people who did not speak English! Can’t wait to take those Spanish lessons at work soon

There are a few things about our yearly Christmas that make me proud and that I want to remember:

1-We always every year put a big effort and host. Each year the party grows. I love that our children see us do this. For me it is the true spirit of Christmas to go out of your way, to welcome people to your home. To share and offer what you have with others. To share your abundance and your blessings.

2-To make amends and to treat family with the utmost importance. Even if you did not always get it right it is never too late to start., Can you imagine that it would be possible that we would not have known these beautiful 8 children???????? I cannot imagine this….but it could have easily happened. I am proud that we know our mistakes, we know how to fix them, and we know how to make it right.

 3-I feel proud that our children are proud of us. That we always go beyond our own family of five and extend love to many others. Tonight one of them said to me “you guys are fabulous hosts-you make it all easy but we know it is hard”. Thank you for the acknowledgement child…trust me it makes it worth every single busy minute. And I hope you will do the same with your home one day. I want you to see us putting love into action and do the same as you have been taught. Thank you for noticing my darling.

 4-Would not be complete without a bit of a pity party. My husband is now sick yet again..with a new cold..a new fever….a new sore throat. It has been 3.5 weeks. I have it partially too…so do the kids..never ends. We need a serious break.  The  neve ending sickeness it seems Pretty Please? We deserve to have a little holiday too!!!

 Merry Christmas…it was a great one 2012!!!!!!!

Goodnight!!!!

PSS-And Elf on Shelf (aka Balz) made Christmas great. Thanks Sister!! He made me look forward to it and cherish it more. We will be sad to put him back in his box tomorrow. When my kids look for him they are wild, and chaotic, and fight over who gets to see him first, they whine when if he does not bring chocolates that day…so we probably don’t  have the ideal elf finding family, but he brought a little joy to all of us each day  nevertheless and I am grateful for that.

"V"

One of my BFF’s has three gorgeous kids under the age of 5 yrs and we have never ever gotten a Christmas picture of them, a Christmas card, a baptism card or a baptism invitation.

And each time I think about this…

I feel so envious and admirable of this girl!!!!!

I totally and sincerely look up to this so much. She is an amazing example of someone who really does live in the present, with her kids, with her husband, with her friends. She is out to prove nothing to anybody.

She takes her photos for her, and displays them for her. It’s for her. She keeps her kids gorgeousness for her. I have honestly not seen such a beautiful family. But she does not concern herself with the time spent on so many of the things others, including me, that we busy ourselves with. And that we create stress and havoc  with.

She is the most religious non religious person I know. She doesn’t need anything to guide her…….her goodness is enough.

So while I am sometimes  a bit sad to notsee a scrumptious photos of these three darlings, or have an occasion to wear my little black dress to with champagne in hand……I fully realize that these non-events and no cards are symbolic of this friend’s utter devotion to her life.

And that same devotion she shows her family she shows me too. You would not catch this girl ever checking texts or answering her phone if you are with her. She is yours when you are hers. She will put you before everything and everything going on in her own life when you need her and she will always make space for you. And if she cannot she will gently let you know.

You know that feeling when you are with someone but you know they are thinking about a million other things? Or when you are talking to them and their husband has something going on and so the phone is always next to them? Or when they are listening but always interupting just in case their kids need them (guilty as charged in some instances eventhoughI hate this quality!!!!) Why is it our kids always have to come before everything and anything else? I have to get better at that and quickly.

She is fully present in her life and this to me is the only goal I should ever have. And she chooses very carefully who gets to have her. Lucky me eh???

So for 2013…..I will choose a word. A letter actually. It will be easy because it is so simple to remember. “V” for her name. To aspire to become more like her, more peaceful and calm. Caring less about the future and more about the present, giving the gift of my prescence to myself and others. And having the confidence and security to never need to send a Christmas photo in hopes that someone out there will think me and my family are great. And knowing full well internally that they are. (I may still send one btw).

Knowing myself well enough to get the help I need, relying on my friends for support and understanding, telling people things I have never admitted to myself, and understanding that life comes with it a lot of punches and I better get with that program if I am going to enjoy the ride.

Finally being fully supportable by others…..since my life has been a long road of supporting others. And allowing that love and feeling of being loved to coexist with intellect and my own love for them.

Allowing others to see me fall.

And letting them catch me before it is too late.

Becoming the student before I become the real teacher.

Letting her not just teach me, but following her utterly lovely example of life.

Becoming somebody my husband is proud of for my heart and not for my mind.

Letting go of the need to protect myself.

Believing they will all still be there even if I slip a bit

Now that I have forgiven, the next step is to free myself of the weight of having to conduct the entire orchestra around me.

Letting go of the coping skills I mastered as a child, and leaving those behaviours at the front door.

Letting her lie down next to me and let me cry my heart out if I ever need to one day.

Letting them in.

 

 

Stay Away Sickies!!!

 

The other day I went to a neighbor’s house to drop something off and I saw the funniest thing on her door!

It was a big sign that said “If you have the stomach flu or lice go away!!!” With a big smiling face after

After checking my head for bugs and ensuring I was not puking, I rang the doorbell and asked her about this craziness . She said that every year she has guests who come year after year on Christmas Eve and ruin this precious time of year for her and her family. She did not sound very merry!

She said the first year it happened she had four out of town guest one after and other and all brought the gift of the stomach bug and hair bugs. She said she was stuck with it for weeks after they left since she has 4 kids and it went through their entire family. She said it was Valentine’s Day before they got healthy again.

So she said she is just not taking any chances anymore.

Although I thought her method was a little rude and direct also thought it was quite funny! I mean it is equally as rude to arrive with contagious stomach flu or head lice right? Change your plans and sleep at the hotel or leave the little sick one at home with Grandma.

I felt quite certain that her guests this year just might get the hint! Or never come back! I felt pretty sure that she might be spending a lot more of the holidays healthy and alone!

 

RollarCoaster

Sometimes as I read back on my blog I get the feeling I am manic depressive. And I know that is silly because I am perfecting healthy both mentally and physically but it has been bothering me lately as I read my blogs. My blogs are so up and down. One day I am elated and the next day I seem down in the dumps. Often about the same subjects, my husband, my kids, my life.

When you had a Dad that was mentally ill your whole life, you tend to worry about mood swings.

So am I going a bit crazy or am I just really, really honest? Am I over the edge or do I wear my heart on my sleeve? Is there any chance that it is not just my moods but that this is what real life is and I reflect my experiences accurately and with honestly? Or maybe I should go to the doctor and get my hormones checked? Sounds like a good idea.

I have always had a love hate relationship with blogs. With mine and with others. One one hand I find it such a self-centered creation, I mean who honestly cares about what my daughter did or did not do at school today or if so and so’s kid is excited to make peppermint cookies?Or does it matter what my view is on God or what the good neighbor’s view is on premarital sex is?

On the other hand I love blogs. I love writing them,. It frees me up inside and let’s all the good and bad stuff out. I love reading other’s blogs and taking a look into their lives and hearts to see what is there. I love seeing what people feel and what they are interested. And I do love reading about the mundane things in life and about kids, there is a certain comfort in it. But I know it is odd, and I know that blogging (just like Christmas elves) gets a bad rap from many.

I understand it, but I don’t also.

So as I read the 5-6 blogs that I read daily, there is envy in me for often what seems to be such simplicity in lives. For such bliss and happiness. For having the biggest concern of the day of what kind of cookies to bake in particular? Or when the biggest obstacle of the day is what to dress your adorable baby in.

And then there is the comfort those same blogs bring me. Of making me question my own choices and decisions and making myself a better Mother and aiming for the stars. At looking at my life and asking myself the question “How can I be at my happiest?”

And the scarier question: Am I there yet?

But maybe people reading my blog are envious of my life too? Maybe they look at it and wish parts of it were theirs? And just like I long for the simplicity of baking the peppermint cookies, maybe they long for the quality of my complex life? Because as far as I see it the more problems and issues you have, and the more emotions you deal with, and the more obstacles and challenges you come across, the more gratitude and emotion you feel, and places you go, and relationships that grow and break…the more fortunate you really are.

And the more you love, the more you lose.

And the more failures you have the and the more risks you take, the more wins you also get.

And often during these times in particular, cookies are just not on the radar for many of us.

And maybe they should be? And maybe they shouldn’t? I guess that is what each of us have to find out for ourselves right? That is what makes each of us unique.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my cyberspace readers and buddies. Thank you for putting up with me . As I see my traffic go up and up.....I am grateful that you are all still around. And happy that something about my sharing both the good and bad keeps you coming back for more.

I truly and sincerely appreciate it.

Grateful for the Return from the Apes

My little idiot gorillas all turned human again tonight)

One thing that is a huge advantage of being an over planner is that you always get done in advance. Even though I have 24 people over for X-mas…I am 90% done with Christmas preparations. Gifts are wrapped, food is planned, and table is set. It’s all done this way on purpose because I don’t like taking chances. Chances of being super sick, chances of last minute work deadlines, chances of big crisis. So I get it all done days in advance and then sit back and watch the chaos around me. It’s always been my method.

I feel like I can breathe again.

Sure there is still the other 10% but I feel totally organized and ready to enjoy my holidays and family as of Friday night.Phew…it’s been a loooong three weeks. I honestly don’t know if I have ever been as exhausted in my life.

But tonight they got their Mommy back. Long tuck ins, good talks around the table, little chocolate treats, kisses and hugs, girls talking about boys and boys talking about burping.

It is the little things about Christmas I love the most. Chase came up to me tonight and asked if I had a little extra something for his English teacher because he wanted to single her out and give her a gift be she is so nice. Of course I had something hidden away! (So what if he was giving it to her be he has a lunch detention tomorrow…he still had kindness in his heart!) So he asked me to wrap it with him. And it was so sweet just talking our time together and doing that. Such a simple gesture but so lovely. He made sure to write her name clearly and used a pen that would not smudge. He put the prettiest bow. It gave me insight into the man he will be and it made me proud. I love these moments. This morning it was waiting at the door with his schoolbag ready to give. This present represented so much of the love I feel for my son…it captured all the good in him.

Then Bear in Bed having me guess at my gift and I making him laugh with silly little jokes about all the coal and fruit I will put in his stocking. And how I bought him a blanket yet again for xmas (remember he ran away last year?) This little man makes my heart melt when he is human and not animalJ.

And then Beauty..oh Beauty…..so sweet. Telling me about the boys she likes at school and how the way she shows them she likes them is to roll her eyes and look annoyed. And she shows me what it looks like. So funny. I love this mother daughter stage; it seems that I must have dreamed it to life.Feels like I have wanted these moments forever and now they are here

And at the dinner table last night spoke about the shooting again. Read one of BFF’s blog to them and they learnt a lot. Read a blog that I liked less and shared what I did not like about it and got their religious input on that. And then said a nice family prayer for the victims and the parents of the shooting. And that felt good, and just like Heaven, even if I am very aware that it may just be for comfort in many ways..so be it. We felt comforted and united. Religion is slowly taking up a bit of space in our lives along with a lot of speculation and strong views I may have on the subject.

And then this week in the evenings the calls that I made to discuss the ADD diagnose with people who I care about and who care about me and our son. It’s amazing how grateful I am for these discussions. And all people I respect so highly and each offer a different part of themselves (nurturing, clinical. supportive, directive) Each think so differently too-go for the meds, don’t go for the meds, take it fast, take it slow, read no books, read all the books . And I soak it all in and take the parts that make sense to me.

Gratitude for me though and my ways. For handling this journey as I would any important project. With education, and diligence and thought. Attacking it from every angle. Never allowing myself to get so busy that I don’t have time for the most important parts of my life. For the parts that have the biggest impact in the future. So yes I have read 5 full books so far within the week and that makes me proud. (and not obsessive). Makes me proud that my kids can count on me to advocate for them while I still can and ensure that decisions that are taken are with the most carful consideration.  A friend asked me this week ”how can you do all this research with Christmass and work demands” My answer:

“How can I not?”

So yes my mood has shifted since my raising animals post. Relaxation is setting in. Work is tying up and getting done and performance appraisals for the years complete. Things are looking up as my stress level is finally coming down.I need to keep reminding myself during frantic times that real life always returns at one point or another.There will always be time to go back to normal right?

 (Now..perfect night so far. Watch someone throw up in the next few hours.  Feels too good to be true!)

 

 

 

 

Really? Was God There?

How can a parent possibly explain to a child why someone would go and shoot children in a school? It is the question that is being asked all around the nation at dinner tables as Christmas is also paradoxically anticipated.

How can this be? And how can we possibly explain this to our children.

Since it was my eldest son that told me instantly about the shooting that day-as with Twitter now-information is almost instant….I have since struggled with this subject.

In the last few family nights we have read articles about tragic events in the news and although hard, I think good for kids to discuss these and their feelings surrounding these awful circumstances.

The cyber world in the last few days is overloaded with advice on this very subject

A great blog that I read daily offered some advice on how to discuss with children, but I have to say I was very disappointed in her approach. Although she is usually someone who I look up to on her blog for advice with kids, her approach this time I found a real let down: “And may all those families affected by the darkness from last week feel that light from those around them, and from God who loves them dearly”.  And to top it all off a picture of her own perfect smiling family reflected in a Christmas decoration.

As much as I find it a good thing to look to a higher power in times of sadness, and would imagine it could be comforting on some level, I somehow think this blog might be taking this a bit far. I am not sure these families right now are feeling God’s love for them right now. Better yet they might be asking why the hell any God or the world in general would allow their children to be murdered? How could this happen to their innocent children? Why would someone they pray to 5 times a day do this to them? A special lesson reserved just for them?

So I wanted to leave a comment on the blog but did not have the courage as I am certain that the words were not meant to offend since normally this is a beautiful, religious, amazing blog…….but I am sure that the writer did offend many who have lost a child or lived a tragedy and the last thing they feel is how much God must love them.

But it got me thinking. How do we explain this tragedy to our children? What can anyone possibly say? How do we as parents explain something so very sick and inexplicable? And how do we continue to believe in good in people and faith under such terrible circumstances? There is a part of me that really does understand those who turn to God in such moments of tragedy, I truly and sincerely do.

On the other hand to go as far as saying that God is loving these families at a time like this or other articles I have read this week saying it was “God’s Will and that there is always meaning in tragedy, “or that we should pray for the soul of the poor murderer”…this is where religion in my opinion causes war and not peace.
This is where non believers, or semi believers lose faith completely. When such a message is broadcasted. Instead of “it is important to keep the faith in what you believe in in such difficult times or “this time God was not able to help for whatever reason he did not hear our prayers I hope he can use his power to comfort us now”

I love that on  my own blog I am able to explore some of these thoughts and issues as so very, very complex. And also to read the thoughts of others, even if I may not agree. It opens my mind to diversity and that is always the goal for me

I have got some thinking to do about this…and a lot of it before Family Night tonight where I will try and tackle for the second time the discussion of this tragedy with our own innocent kids.