What We Do with an Hour?

This morning I had an unexpected free hour alone. At a beautiful hotel, in a beautiful room, with the beauty of the vast city below pouring into my window.

It has been an intense 3 days of delivering a high level leadership program for a management group with my Swiss and cherished colleague. Breakfast at 7am and dinners into the evening. Exhausting, stimulating, intense.

I had a delicious 1.5  hour this morning and it was interesting to observe what I did with it..What was my fancy? Do we stop to ask ourselves this question often enough?

For the first 15 mins I slept and luxuriated in the extra 2 snoozes

Then I got up and put my favorite workout clothes and shoes on and went for a walk in the city of downtown Montreal for a short but very pleasant sun filled 25 mins

Then I read the article on “Are Cupcakes still Cool?” in the Globe and Mail. I wrote some business ideas for cake pops in my IPhone hahaha

Then I called my BFF to wish her Happy Birthday:)) Love her..

Then I texted my dear Swiss friend back and forth who put a huge smile on my face. I love having a time difference it rocks with her. She seems totally available when she is 6 hrs different than me!

Then I took a long shower and took my time getting ready

Ordered grapefruit juice and bagel with cream chesses and berries in room service

And checked my phone and email about a thousand times in between

And I loved this hour and a half. A lot.

I allowed myself to break my own rules and ritualization and it felt great. Looong shower. Take time getting ready and doing my hair nice. Short walk instead of exercise walk. Too many carbs in morning. Checking email and texts obsessively for no reason (stupid but I do love it!) Writing ideas down. Sleep. It’s nice once in a while to have the time, and to be alone..to do what comes to us naturally and give into our preferences.

And I have to say that this hotel has A LOT of advantages. I have figured out what all the stars stay here. It has something to do with the lack of light in the hotel and the darkness and the mirrors in the room. This hotel has made it that you are literally not able to see any typo you make, any wrinkle or blemish on your body or even see how messy your own room is. They have the magic formula all figured out this seems.

And there mirrors are amazing. In that hour-I think I checked myself out 20 times. I looked about 15 lbs less and totally in shape and firm and fit even naked!. Was it all the positive recognition I got over the last few days from my colleagues about our course that made me feel better about myself?  Was it the compliments from the women in the course on my three new outfits ? But to equal 15 lbs of feeling better?????

Was it that I am in a good space in my mind and just feel more peaceful and therefore skinner? Was it all the cakepops I ate that made a difference because they were so small and tiny they actually made me lose weight overnight?

No..No..no..It is the magical mirrors here. In that 1.5 hours I analyzed them fully and they all have one thing in common (you can tell many in the room-big, big room)..they all have a line right down the middle-discreet but there. And that line takes the view of the central part of your body and hides it. So you are left with the left and right quadrant of your ass and therefore feel better about yourself!!!!

 

Add that magical mirror and little light…. and the fact yoga and meditation and walk 5 times a week and working out twice a week more consistently at the gym..Maybe it is not only that line in the mirror-maybe I am also feeling better in my body lately too…back to where I always was. Happy and confident.

Thrilling!!! Love staying here. I have to make sure all offisites are held here. And have cakepops at every meal. I need to call Finance about that.

 My word on my nametag this week was “Peace-of Present and of Future April 2013 ” Ahhhhhh…deep breath-feels so good.

Maybe these stays away from reality, focused so intensely on my job and my work, being so passionate for a few days and doing what I love, being with people that motivate me, in a place where there is space for me to be with me…bring out a good side of me.

I feel lucky to have these great opportunities a number of times a year to rejuvenate, to connect, to luxuriate, and to work my butt off (literally it seems!)…these weeks and time are truly remarkable for me and my development as a person and in my role. As hard and as intense as they are-they bring me great joy.

And the more I am away from home for extended periods of time-the more I miss home too. The more I become certain that my role as a woman is twofold-to be there for my family..and to be there out in the world too teaching, and speaking, and learning.

I will always be both. An imperfect balance of my two beautiful worlds. Always dying to come home to my loved ones-and craving to get away again for short stays.

Peace-with who I am. And what Is.

 

 

CakePops-A Beautiful Thing

I have found something even better than cupcakes.

CAKEPOPS! OMG these are good.

For some reason they are showing up all over the place literally. A colleague at work makes them daily it seems. Lucky me here office is right beside mine. At Starbucks.. now at the fancy smancy hotel I am in for an offsite program this week.

Everywhere I turn I seem to see (and feel the need to eat) a cakepop.

If you have not tried one..run..not walk to your nearest cakepop store and munch away. You may never want to eat anything else ever again. (Oh ya I forgot there is no store because no one has invented one yet!!!!!)

They are good enough to sustain you forever. I am serious.

I think there is big money in cakepops-none seems to agree with me. Something so delicious needs to be better marketed. I mean if my readers in Russia and India have never heard of these things- there is some serious business to be had with these treats right?
Anyone out there want to start a cakepop business with me??? PS I don't bake.

I feel about cakepops the way Oprah does about “David’s Tea”…I want to shout it out to the world “They are delicious!!!!!” Too bad I am not on a stage with 16,000 women listening to me. Then Cakepops would be serious business.

I am happy I found these. They have drastically improved the quality of my life. An they are so small they must not have that many calories right? Even if you eat like 3 or 4? Small things like that don’t add up the way a big piece of cake does right??

Oh Ok. Well worth every single calories. And every single inch on the hips.

Truly .Madly. Deeply

I am so happy that I am in charge of this offsite. It gave me the right to call down tonight and ensure that they replace the cheesecake with cakepops on the menu tomorrow at lunch. I love my job.

Random Thoughts:Blonds, Tans, Toothbrushes and Marriage

My mind is a bit scattered today-therefore my blog will reflect that.

First things first. Everyone looks better with a tan. And additionally I think blonds have more fun. Before my vacation, I started feeling a little down on a few things about myself-I felt rather blah. Two body parts in particular were really getting on my nerves. Well right before the cruise I go to the hairdresser and get my highlights done and go back to my usual spring/summer blond and caramel and then get a great tan on the cruise and all the sudden I feel great again!

The two body parts not only don’t bother me this week-but a handful of people have actually complimented me on these body parts (I work in pharma remember-very open environment!) It’s as if my blond hair and tan (which has been kept up by a little spray in fact) have accentuated my other parts. So tans and blondness are good.

Which the real morale of the story which has nothing to do of course with skin or hair is: If you feel down on something in your life-spruce up another part. Accentuate your positives that you do have and don't focus on what you don't have

Let’s move on to toothbrushes. At my cottage last night I brushed my teeth in the kid’s bathroom and we each have labelled toothbrushes. I had asked my son a few months ago to change and label all the toothbrushes; I searched and searched for mine…where was it? Then I found it...an old BUZZ LIGHTYEAR small one for infants!!!!! That is supposed to be mine??? How bloody old is that thing? Then I look at his-Bear's..and it is a purple one for adults..how fair is that?

And marriage. My hubby and I had a lovely alone night last night here at Trent. My mom is babysitting the boys and my daughter is at my friend’s house for the weekend who has an adorable 4 yr. old girl. What rocks about this weekend is that we are out of contact with life outside of Trent for a luscious 24 hrs. The kids are not texting us…we are not calling home to check in…we are not looking at emails…we are just reading, and talking, and hanging out and planning. What a difference it makes to be in the present moment. And we watched a steamy thriller last night too-start to finish.

And boy do we need it. The next two weeks are honestly out of a book called Hell. My husband moves his office on Friday and all renos on office being completed before then. His next two weekends-he and his staff and my kids in rotation are busy moving. While I work my ass off at work and Spring Clean my house.

Never mind that I am offsite this week and delivering an important leadership program with my Swiss colleague. The kids are going to be on their own pretty much.

Tonight the fun begins-we get back from our escapade at Trent and going to do one fun thing before out two weeks of Hell..going to take the kids to a new resto that is known to have the best burgers ever and jukeboxes and everything. Then tuck them in..then husband drives me to hotel for 11pm.Then I have my entire flipcharts to prep for course from 11:30-1:30pm and then up at 5:30am to work with my colleague before course. And my week begins. My husband's schedule is even scarier.

So in conclusion of my scattered and random thoughts …..I’m realizing that I am in a very unique stage of my life with 3 teens/tween and married 17 yrs. And I don’t have a lot of people who are at this same stage of life to ask a lot of questions to. Most of my close close people have much much younger kids, or have been married a lot less years, or are even single still. I am realizing it will be important for me as time goes on to connect with some people and create a newtwork for myself of people in a very similar stage even if that is an online support group. I need to learn..and get it right…and often I learn best from watching and studying and asking tons of question from others who have been through this before.

And like when I had babies very young and with a guy 12 yrs. older than me…I feel myself once again alone in this stage to some degree. Fully, fully supported and listened to by my current friends and network. But with no one except a handful of people who have been, there, done that and can hand me down the gift of their expertise of what it felt like to live and how they came out on the other side winning.

It’s a very unique stage of life. And an incredibly beautiful one. And a very complex one…and a difficult one on many levels. Getting to where we are now…to getting to Swiss Chalet holding hands at 80 yrs old. With the bathing of kids gone, and the decisions they make their own, and the homemade mother’s days cards at school finished, and the music loader and the kisses on the cheeks with girls longer.

It’s a wonderful stage and a scary one… this stage of being with the same person equal to half of the years you have lived!!!. With the goal remaining the same as it always has been…moving on..succeeding…loving….and uncovering in each other parts that have not been there before-while cherishing the parts of the others that you feel like you know so well..sometimes too well. And cherishing the whole package of this new stage..without drowning it. Staying afloat and floating on the surface of the beautiful ocean underneath us. Discovering it bit by bit and hand in hand. Together.

And exposing parts of yourself to each other that have been hidden before..that only years and years and years of knowing each other will allow to come to the surface..if you let them.

All in the name of Love.

Growing Up in front of Teenagers

There are a couple of things about having a teenager that really suck.

Especially a teenage boy.

In many ways it is like having one more adult added to your home. Like a second husband almost-but on the days when he is in your face and telling you all the things that are wrong with you.

Like those times right before your period when he really gets on our nerves and everything aggravates you? Except the teenage boy stays around and does that all month and all year long.

Picture that there are a ton of things you know are wrong with you. But most of the day, month, year you try to ignore those subtle parts and just move on joyfully. Well you can’t do that anymore with a teenager in the house it seems!

“Mom did you know that you talk too loud?””

“Mom it is really annoying when you exaggerate a story-it is a lie”

“Mom when you treat daddy like that you are dominating him”

“Mom has you ever heard of free speech? You can’t Control us you know”

“Mom why do you have a friend like that-she never seems to even call you-what’s the point since she has another BFF anyways?”

“Mom maybe your new boss will hate you and fire you”

“Mom that bathing suit is way too young for you to wear”

“Mom you should go to bed earlier then you would be in a better mood”

“Mom you are super annoying the way you nag us all the time”

“Mom people must be getting bored of your blog”

“Mom adults don’t drink milk” (what the f…. is wrong with good old dairy anyways???”)

Ok second rude husband like child-I have heard enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what if I know you are right on all most levels? So what if most of this is said sweetly and not aggressively? So what if you speak the truth so often?

Shut up already! I am busy trying to repress all this- can’t you see this?

And then there’s the guilt factor of being a working mom which just gets even better as your kid turns into a man:

“Mom I know you work but are it responsible to leave a child with a gaping hole in his mouth from dental surgery in the house alone with another child who likely has Nora Virus from the cruise who is dizzy?”

Ok yes. Maybe I should have stayed home that day. Too bad next week I have to memorize a brand new course and give it to 25 senior people over three days next week and have no clue what is even in that huge binder because I am too busy speaking Spanish to the internet boss lately. And answering questions about areas even in English I have no clue about. And winging it in every direction! “Sure that sounds reasonable-yes I agree….let’s look at that Scott tool a bit more and adjust it”……What’s a Scott tool again?????? Hahahahah.

All I know is that aging gracefully is hard under the watchful eye of a 15.5 yr. old. Now each time I put on a shirt that shows my boobs I actually wonder if he will make fun of me! This is extremely boring.

Well thank goodness my husband is in a lovey dovey mood and is waking up each morning lately and telling me how beautiful I am and that I look like and angel while I sleep. I am sure soon he will say he is married and has some other  kids in California….or will ask me to take out yet another personal line of credit in my name so that he can have a glass frosted conference room. There has got to be a reason for this unusual and repetitive behavior right?

So yes living with a husband and a second husband now (who is way more verbal than the first!)…is quite something. I am scared of next year having that third husband join the fun.

Wait until my daughter goes through puberty and gets some boyfriends and a nose ring. Maybe then all this kind and lovely attention will get diverted to her:)

And they will leave me alone...happily nagging, talking in my loud voice to my non existent friends , in my tiny bikini, at work, loudly sipping my milk with a straw.

 

 

She

It’s funny how life happens

By speaking to a friend today over the phone I realized that one of my goals is to also make a new friend at work. Friends at work are so important to me. Oxygen. I have a few but I need another one too.

Well today low and behold the loveliest woman in my office appears.  The meeting was very random as a Director at work gave her my name to coach for an hour as she is suffering at home and work and having a super hard time. At first I said no..if I talked and hour with every person at work who asked me this I would never ever get my real job done. But for some reason I said yes to this one. For 30 minutes. Saying that I would see her and refer her to someone outside the organization.

So there she sat this adorable, beautiful lovely woman. Vulnerable, powerful, articulate. Nothing but the word lovely came to mind.And I thought she was spectacular, and everything she said and admitted to me, I thought took courage. I had deep deep repsect for this human in front of me.

The thought crossed my mind “Is this the friend I have been seeking?” Is this her??”

And as clear as day the answer came to me:

No she is not. Never. Not in a million years. She was sent today to give you a message. And the message is that you can change lives. You can help people in a big, big way. Not now…not in a few years…it’s still not around the corner. Probably not for another 5-6 years as you ensure your best self is given to your own family before you give it to the world…but for the rest of your life  you will be defined by the moments like you had today.

Where the fulfillment you feel in that “friend”….will become your life. You will be fueled with happiness and fueled by exactly the type of person you helped today.  I fundamentally love being called an “angel” and given a big and sweet and sincere hug during my workday. Makes me feel like a million bucks. And feel like making a million bucks too.

No…I don’t need a new friend at all. I am very, very happy with the ones I have right now near and far in my life.

The future is much more than a new friend.

True Articulation

I am a good communicator; it’s a fact.

I am paid to this and always have been. It’s central to who I am. If something is wrong, I say it, if I am feeling something I articulate it. I do it and I expect others around me to do the same. To me it is necessary..polite..respectful and a Must.

But therein lies the problem. First of all with me. My communication-may be good clear, timely and articulate but it can also be screamed, yelled and nagged very often. Most often to the ones I hold most dear. It’s volume could be lowered. Less threats, swearing sarcasm could be used. 

Secondly, I have read recently a study which states that only 10% of people are able to express what is on their mind effectively  or say or do what is their intention. That is a whole lot of 90% disappoint for a gal like me who has high expectations!

I also read that in your love (many forms of love) relationships you will have some with whom love is complicated with and others with whom love is uncomplicated with. The uncomplicated love is so wonderful in many ways-you give the person what they need and they give you what you need. But the more complicated form of love is wonderful too-it is often a dance between two and achieves more work but when you can both get the steps right can be incredible. Most very emotional and charismatic people fall often in this complicated quadrant. It makes them who they are. It makes others want to be with them-by the very nature that they are complicated.

Well Oprah said something the other night (among a million things) that I practiced in my life this week. It was phenomenal.

Say exactly what is on your mind…..exactly how you feel….and don’t expect anything back.

So I did it and it was excruciating hard for me. This was a situation where I had to put all pride aside..I felt instead of taking all those hurt and sad feelings and either leaving, walking away, screaming, yelling, getting revenge etc….I said to the person exactly how I felt.

It was extremely difficult. To feel so exposed. So vulnerable.

And most importantly to know that as much as this situation hurt me very likely the person in front of me was not going to change his or her ways. They have had a loooong history of messing up in this area-why would it change now?

And this is always the problem with me. When someone I really care about and love does something over and over that I find so unacceptable on so many levels…I just can’t handle it. My thoughts –as I clearly expressed this week were “How can you possibly treat someone as kind and sweet as me in this way?? I have done everything for you…been there for you..loved you….do you take me completely for granted? Is it not reciprocal this wonderful feeling I feel so completely towards you”? And my instinct is to turn away and run and never come back.

(I feel humiliated even writing this. But hey what Oprah says-Tari does).

And that is so so so super hard to say. Because it makes a lot of assumptions doesn’t it? It assumes an awful lot. And in the last few years in a few of my relationships I have realized that I cherish the person in front of me more than they cherish me. And that is a hard one to confront. But once it is confronted-it is truly liberating and it frees up a big piece of you to understand that truth. And to adjust expectations. And to seek what you need-possibly in others forms. With that person, without that person, with other people, or inside yourself. You end up accessing in yourself and the other person different parts. You adjust and change what you may need but you end up getting often a whole other bunch of things you never thought you needed, but you do.

It is a deep, deep process and takes an enormous amount of integrity and courage. To me it is probably the hardest ting a human can do is to become fully vulnerable. And to be able to forgive another for not being able to provide what feels necessary and fundamental.

And many people in my life I know have done this for me on many levels at different times. And that forgiveness is a gift. That ability for them to love me eventhough I may have failed them.

So I have tested this out over the years with profound and wonderful effects but it has been on a big scale. Now I am trying it out in more everyday communications….on a smaller level. Saying exactly what I feel when I feel it. And letting it stay there between us, amongst us..with us both.

And the most important part of this is not expecting much back. Moving on and loving even when every bone in your body wants to scream “Are you crazy???????? You want me to continue to love and nurture, and be there, and be supportive when you did that? Or did not do that? Or don’t; do this? Or do that?”

Because what I have realized..is that is the definition of unconditional love. That is what we give our children every single day. Second, third and fourth chances. Millions of chances to make mistakes. And we never ever stop loving them.

And the most important gift we give our children-is the belief that they will one day develop into the type of people somewhere close to what we expect. And what we need. And what they need to function in life. That one day they will look back and thank us for being there for them and doing what we do. We continue to love and nurture and provide..all in hopes of that dream.

And as our children..they provide us as parents..that same gift every single day. That gift of loving us fully, and trusting us and believing in our abilities and our love for them..even though very often we fail them and fail to possibly give them what they might fundamentally be craving from us.I always take my lessons in life from children. I find it the place to start when I am searching for answers.

 

My writing of this post is a biggie for me. It will alter things-I can feel it. Besides  I don't have much to lose do I? Besides my pride. And that is something I have decided to risk. It's something you have to do when you are trying to arrive at your final destination of Peace and Phase 2.

 

 

Stupid homework

Just to say.... I think highschool homework is cruel.

If i could be sure my son would not read this post i would insert a big fat swearword right here.


Did i ever mention how much highschool homework is cruel?  Let me count the bloody ways.


It is 11pm at night and he is trying to upload or download something for the 100th bloody time and it is again not working. Did i mention we had to pick him up 10 minutes ago at french partner house.? Did I mention he has not eaten any dinner or started any of the other 2 hrs of homework he still has due tomorrow?

Ya maybe just maybe i will write him a note to excuse him from the rest of the homework due. Use the ADD card a little bit.. Why not since we both seem to be losing our minds right?

Because his projects are are my computer and on my camera. That qualifies me as knowing how to use them right? Wrong!!!!!!

And my husband is busy trying to prepare to move his office after 30 yrs and my other techy son is sleeping with a massive gaping hole in his mouth since had dental surgery last night. What kind ofexcuses are  those?

all I want to do is sleep. Or read. Or watch a show.

THIS SUCKS ( insert major swear word here!)










Because