I am a good communicator; it’s a fact.
I am paid to this and always have been. It’s central to
who I am. If something is wrong, I say it, if I am feeling something I
articulate it. I do it and I expect others around me to do the same. To me it
is necessary..polite..respectful and a Must.
But therein lies the problem. First of all with me. My
communication-may be good clear, timely and articulate but it can also be screamed,
yelled and nagged very often. Most often to the ones I hold most dear. It’s
volume could be lowered. Less threats, swearing sarcasm could be used.
Secondly, I have read recently a study which states that only
10% of people are able to express what is on their mind effectively or say or do what is their intention. That is
a whole lot of 90% disappoint for a gal like me who has high expectations!
I also read that in your love (many forms of love)
relationships you will have some with whom love is complicated with and others
with whom love is uncomplicated with. The uncomplicated love is so wonderful in
many ways-you give the person what they need and they give you what you need. But
the more complicated form of love is wonderful too-it is often a dance between
two and achieves more work but when you can both get the steps right can be
incredible. Most very emotional and charismatic people fall often in this
complicated quadrant. It makes them who they are. It makes others want to be
with them-by the very nature that they are complicated.
Well Oprah said something the other night (among a
million things) that I practiced in my life this week. It was phenomenal.
Say
exactly what is on your mind…..exactly how you feel….and don’t expect anything back.
So I did it and it was excruciating hard for me. This was
a situation where I had to put all pride aside..I felt instead of taking all
those hurt and sad feelings and either leaving, walking away, screaming,
yelling, getting revenge etc….I said to the person exactly how I felt.
It
was extremely difficult. To feel so exposed. So vulnerable.
And most importantly to know that as much as this
situation hurt me very likely the person in front of me was not going to change
his or her ways. They have had a loooong history of messing up in this area-why
would it change now?
And this is always the problem with me. When someone I
really care about and love does something over and over that I find so
unacceptable on so many levels…I just can’t handle it. My thoughts –as I
clearly expressed this week were “How can you possibly treat someone as kind
and sweet as me in this way?? I have done everything for you…been there for
you..loved you….do you take me completely for granted? Is it not reciprocal
this wonderful feeling I feel so completely towards you”? And my instinct is to
turn away and run and never come back.
(I feel humiliated even writing this. But hey what Oprah
says-Tari does).
And that is so so so super hard to say. Because it makes a
lot of assumptions doesn’t it? It assumes an awful lot. And in the last few
years in a few of my relationships I have realized that I cherish the person in
front of me more than they cherish me. And that is a hard one to confront. But
once it is confronted-it is truly liberating and it frees up a big piece of you
to understand that truth. And to adjust expectations. And to seek what you
need-possibly in others forms. With that
person, without that person, with other people, or inside yourself. You end
up accessing in yourself and the other person different parts. You adjust and
change what you may need but you end up getting often a whole other bunch of
things you never thought you needed, but you do.
It is a deep, deep process and takes an enormous amount
of integrity and courage. To me it is probably the hardest ting a human can do
is to become fully vulnerable. And to be able to forgive another for not being
able to provide what feels necessary and fundamental.
And many people in my life I know have done this for me
on many levels at different times. And that forgiveness is a gift. That ability
for them to love me eventhough I may have failed them.
So I have tested this out over the years with profound and
wonderful effects but it has been on a big scale. Now I am trying it out in
more everyday communications….on a smaller level. Saying exactly what I feel
when I feel it. And letting it stay there between us, amongst us..with us both.
And the most important part of this is not expecting much
back. Moving on and loving even when every bone in your body wants to scream “Are
you crazy???????? You want me to continue to love and nurture, and be there,
and be supportive when you did that? Or did not do that? Or don’t; do this? Or
do that?”
Because what I have realized..is that is the definition
of unconditional love. That is what we give
our children every single day. Second, third and fourth chances. Millions
of chances to make mistakes. And we never ever stop loving them.
And the most important gift we give our children-is the
belief that they will one day develop into the type of people somewhere close to
what we expect. And what we need. And what they need to function in life. That
one day they will look back and thank us for being there for them and doing
what we do. We continue to love and nurture and provide..all in hopes of that
dream.
And as our children..they provide us as parents..that
same gift every single day. That gift of loving us fully, and trusting us and believing
in our abilities and our love for them..even though very often we fail them and
fail to possibly give them what they might fundamentally be craving from us.I always take my lessons in life from children. I find it
the place to start when I am searching for answers.
My writing of this post is a biggie for me. It will alter
things-I can feel it. Besides I don't have much to lose do I? Besides my pride. And that is something I have decided to risk. It's something you have to do when you are trying to arrive at your final destination of Peace and Phase 2.
