Starlight Starbright

Last night for our last vacation night at the cottage-we all five got in the Jacuzzi around 11:30pm. We turned off every outside and inside light and just stared up at the sky.

Chase was in particular impressed by the starry bright night (which was impressive in itself as takes a lot to impress him lately!) He kept saying “It has been so many years that I have not looked up at stars…I forgot about stars…they are so cool!” He kept repeating this over and over and it melted my heart to hear this childhood innocence coming out of him. So uncontrolled, so pure..so true.

Things he says like that touch me a lot. I am very attuned to when he notices something and verbalizes it. It is usually not his way.

He lay in the Jacuzzi and stared up at the sky. Then sat on my lap with his head on my shoulder and let me hold him. He had comments for every star.

Then he started noticing the shooting stars and made wishes. He was super impressed by them too and could not stop talking about them. Asking me if wishes really do come true on them? If they are shooting they must right? What if they don’t come true? What does that mean?

I explained that for me-just to keep safe I keep my wishes pretty vague and broad. A bit like many people I know who pray same thing. Not too specific as then you tend to lose faith. Instead of “I hope this girl says yes to see me Friday night” wish “I hope a girl I like likes me back” Keep your wishing and praying bases covered for maximum effect.

Then Chase said something that I will remember forever. When you have a kid that struggles certain things imprint themselves on you forever.

“Guys…with ADD I get to see all the shooting stars at the same time. All of them. I see the entire sky at once and I don’t’ miss a single thing. If any of you want me to wish for you on a shooting stars up there let me know..as ADD allows me to see them all where you all can probably only see one at a time”

Trust me Chase..at that moment. I knew you would be perfectly ok for the rest of your life. Self assured. Confident. Resilient.

In combination with the documentary we watched last night about homeschooling and kids that shared their parents bed at 8 yrs. old every night for comfort. Just in case they felt scared in the night or felt it was too hard at school when other kids were mean so the parents decided to keep them at home (and in their beds!) Chase turned to me and said “but isn’t part of growing up learning to be sad or scared sometimes? Learning that you are strong enough to get through it? Learning that you are capable? Whenever I am sad or scared ..I learn the most. Right Mom? Why don’t the parents sleep with them some nights and have them sleep on their own others so they get comfort and learn to grow at the same time?

These two statements of Chase last night…made me feel that something along the way of life that I have said or done has made a difference. Something I knew he felt strongly enough about to pass down to his own kids one day. Something that I know will help his kids if they struggle themselves in areas of their own lives

And for a parent. This parent anyways-there is no greater gift than hearing your strongest values echoed in your child’s voices and views.

Starlight Starbright and shooting stars-thanks for making my deepest wishes come true.

Guilty as Charged

We tried to protect them. Really we did.

We did our best to keep them from evil. Near safety.

For the longest time we made sure they led a normal life. Had rules. Were human.

We didn’t mean for it to happen.

It crept up slowly.

Sometimes we suspect it is genetic.

I think we can’t help ourselves.

They model after us after all . They are our children

We try to set a good example most of the year.

This vacation seemed to break them.

We seemed to break them.

They stooped as low as us and raised as high

They joined our private cult

They took on our dark sides

Our vacations selves they became. The temptation was just too strong

We all have summer selves now

Now they:

Sleep in their clothes too

eat lunch at 3:30pm

9:30pm is considered an earlier dinner. 10pm average. 10:30pm a tad late

The day starts around 1:15 pm often

Stay up until 1pm most nights and fall into bed

Rain is seen not as a time to clean but to read and relax and watch movies

Sequester themselves from life and wear hoodies three sizes to small

Forget to take showers for 2 weeks

Hang out in Jacuzzis a whole awful lot

Don’t speak on the phone unless absolutely necessary

Don’t want to think of any type of reality. Plainly ignore as much as possible

Putting on a lifejacket is  considered exercise

Blast music very,very loudly

Wrap hundreds of blankets on them at night sitting out on the porch

Light candles with the pleasure of a pyromaniacs

Sleep on the sleeping dock with their friends (aka “sleepless nights dock”)

Spread Nutella thickly on bread in the morning

Drive boats in the rain to do an errand as we don’t do cars up here

 

They are hedonists. Just like their parents. They have become us

And then they go back to normal life when it is said and done until the next vacation..the next weekend…the next pleasure.

They are our cottage children to the core.

We have guilt-but deep down we are deeply proud.

Monsters of country pleasures.

Ahhh….

Bad Quality I Phone Pics But Great Summer Memories

20 min drive home from camp-total exhaustion at 10am

brothers hate girls in hats so of course she rocked it!

they did 7 loads of laundry on vacation and now will each do their own at home!!!

My teen guy:)))

jetski rental for 2 hrs. Kids were thrilled!

Beauty and my first spa together

friends over and puzzles

cliff jumping a serious addiction

my guy:))

my girl:))

my babies:) compare to pic at top of blog ribbon 2 yrs ago in same position!!!

Imagination

 It’s funny about creativity. In the last years I have had many people call me extremely creative. I never thought of myself in this way. Much at all. Besides some out of the box thinking and some creative brainstorming I do not associate this word with myself.

But it has been said of me many a time.

The last incident was in a 5 day leadership course I took in Boston. The first day all 30 participants have to choose one adjective to describe you on a piece of paper based on very first impressions and as you walked in the room and introduced yourself. After 5 days they had to choose one word as they knew you more deeply as a deep and personal course.

1^st day  two adjectives for me? Self assured.  Intelligent.

2^nd day two adjectives for me? Creative . Emotionally Intelligent

At work and on performance appraisals it is always “out of box thinker, creative, innovative.I doubt my friends and family would describe me in these ways at all

But I think there is truth to it-I have a whole lot of creativity locked up inside of me waiting to flow. There never seems time enough for this expression. Never time for this part to fully emerge.

A few months ago I was looking at poems I had written and photographs I have taken. The poems very..Poetic I guess and the pictures very creative. Not my standards close ups of my kids…which can be really good. But flowers in the rain….a cup of tea..a half opened beer…a vodka martini with the olives….a storm brewing. Underwear hanging on the clothesline. A phone about to ring. Beautiful  imagery actually. I impressed myself.

And imagery and words has a deep effect on me when combined in the proper way. I read quite a few blogs now and I realize what really touches me: Imagery with words. Give it music and I am often brought to tears.

Katrina Kenison’s blog always starts with a picture and it is rarely a picture of a person but a symbol of her expression. Versus a blog I read today of a million trillion pictures of a boy playing volleyball and I lose interest in the pics almost instantaneously. Symbolism appeals to me . A whole lot. In the same box also found many videos I made to music. And beautiful letters I had written people never sent.

A box in the basement on a high shelf marked “Creativity”-doesn’t count for much does it?

So why don’t I use it more? Allow that private creative outlet into the public sphere? I honestly don’t know…because I have tons of it in me. Combining music and photos and words…but for some reason have not accessed it in myself fully. When reading Katrina’s blog it inspired me to keep my eyes more open in the world and photograph different forms of beauty…or put the beauty or words to music.

Why is it that at this stage of life stuff like doing laundry, making beds, gardening, photographs, writing, are coming to the surface more? And it seems to be the case for everyone over 40 I know!!! (along with irregular periods and less interest in sex!!!!)

Gosh if Only I were retired!! I would have so much time for this stuff and energy. (and would probably bore myself to tears)

Why is this? Couldn’t we have had these “hobbies” when we had more time. Like in highschool? I don’t have time for hobbies now!

Anyways I liked the word “creative” being linked to me by so many people. It is especially prevalent in my professional life. It’s a compliment..and an area of myself I need to explore more.

If I wasn’t so lazy I would sort through my box and add a nice picture I took last Fall to this blog. That being said I can’t get off my lazy ass and find the time!

Living Alongside Friends

This expression (which I made up) occurred to me in three forms this week.

The first was a very close friend son’s had emergency appendix surgery this week (same as Bear had last year) and it was very traumatic and hectic for their family-which I can relate to a ton. Until you have had a kid being wheeled out to emergency surgery , you can never imagine how this feels. It destabilizes you and your life and haunts you for a long time afterwards. It stays in your nightmares for a looong time.

My friend happened to have an out of town friend staying with her for the week with her own children. A girl visit. The day her friend got there things started to go downhill and her son was admitted the next day. He stayed in  the hospital for 6 days. She surprised me by saying her friend stayed in town and basically took over her house and her three other kids and also just relaxed and read and enjoyed the house without her. She visited the hospital and stayed with them as planned. She lived every minute of that crazy hectic week with them. She barely saw her friend. She said she was tense that week so fought with her husband in front of her friend, sold a boat, bought a boat, and cried and awful lot about her son and her worry over him.

This shocked me as how can you have a friend staying with you when you are in crisis? When your son is in the hospital and you are  back and forth and you are napping every second you come home from exhaustion? How can this be?

She said that she is a close enough friend that she just lived her life with her. And that was her life at that point.

Interesting…very very interesting. A) I cannot imagine wanting a friend over during these times B) I could never imagine myself imposing on a friend to take over my house..ever.  Would feel huge guilt. I can barely ask a friend to listen to me whine for 10 minutes!!!

And both of these things above are wrong.  I admire my friend for the way she lives her life alongside her friends. I really do. She has a village that is certain as I bet she would do this with most of her friends. It’s strange to me..and admirable both at the same time. I share that part with my husband..my mother (and even that can be hard for me sometimes) … and this friend shares it with her friends.

Another conversation this week made me think about living along side friends. One of my longest /closest friends since grade 4 told me a few years ago feedback that was important to hear: “You never let us in when you are facing a tough situation. Through the actual process. You solve it and then update us” She was right. Right on.

I adore this type of feedback. Love it. I love becoming more self-aware because of the awareness of how others see and experience  me. I get to grow.

It took me years to change this and I think I have come a long way. Not fully there yet , but far far ahead of where I was. This week have confronted an extremely difficult family situation and have already let a couple of my close friends into my heart..when I literally have no clue what to do or where to turn. Making them part of my process. Helping me along. Bringing them into the fog with me. So foreign for me.

Living along side my friends.

Letting them in.

And then today having a discussion with a friend (over text and messages but still a discussion) about something we saw and experienced differently.It was conflictual to a certain degree. We both compared it to a marriage where you feel so valued and bonded that for the sake of the closeness you would not hold something in that is important to your friendship. Again it felt like living alongside my friend..through the great moments, the not so great moments…all of it adding up to beautiful. Honesty in friendship is key for me-not being afraid to give and receive feedback.

 

I have a couple of people in my life who often say  when it comes to advice/perspective on life  "Not sure if I am ready"...many others in my life who say "Bring it on!" I personally always fall into the bring it on category. If I am telling you in particular about a certain aspect of my life it its because I want to hear your unique  perspectives and input...always. It is priceless and so valuable to me and I want to hear it no matter how anxious it makes me feel.It is the cornerstone of friendship for me,

This friendship thing is a dance like all relationships. Getting the steps right for that particular waltz or salsa. Getting the dance right for your uniqueness together. Hard but essential. Sweet love makes my heart full of love and tough love (with the intention of caring) makes me grow.

I always want to grow. There is so much life still waiting to be lived.

So although I doubt I will be inviting any of my friends anytime soon to any surgeries of my kids (knock on wood already had to go through this 4 times!! Enough!)…..I am living along side them in different ways.

Accompanying them in their ambiguity. Letting them see my distress. Showing up in different ways that I used to do. Improving myself in ways in of which I was unaware.

I remember about 5 years ago on my birthday cake one of my wishes was to “have more and deeper friendships”. I had good and solid friendships at the time but I wanted to take good to great. I am there now. Each of my friends so unique and providing me with something completely different. Deep..deep.

Wish. Wish again.

Living alongside friends feels…….really really good.

It’s a different way of being for me. And I like it one hell of a lot.

 

 

Beaten and Beautiful

I thought long and hard about the title of this blog. Usually titles come to me in an instant. This one was particularily important for me to get right.

This vacation has been beautiful (with still 4 days left to go)

I also feel like I have been shaken and beaten (not literally of course)

We have begun two new paths in our family. One that involves my husband and one that involves my eldest son. Both totally different than the previous paths. Both affecting me, the other two kids and the way we live our lives.

My husband has had some super courageous and proud talks with the kids and has decided to give up his favorite evening drink in order to ensure a good example is set for the kids as they enter these teenage years of their lives. To separate alcohol from stress and the need to unwind at the end of the day. To show them alcohol should be for pleasure and not for pain. This will not be easy for him….not at all.

And my eldest? Well let’s just say that talks have been had on this vacation. Everything we have been leading up to all these years as parents was tested out on these holidays. He is officially a teenager with teenage issues and teenage dilemmas and a teenage mind and brain. (Oh Shit!!!!)

However both of these difficult and heart wrenching events (may not sound too heart wrenching but they are…I graciously summarize due of course to protecting the confidentiality of my family)….were mostly beautiful.

 In the many communications with my husband and my son…trust was built. Tears were shed, vulnerability was had. We got closer…if that is even possible?

I love these two guys fiercely and both of them decided to get me when I was at my most relaxed: on vacation. Good for them.

And THAT is what I will always love and treasure about vacation. Staycations where you live your life together without the added hoopla of new restaurants and touring and park attractions. Where you just be together, and hang out together and figure things out together along the way.

When you work full time-you crave this time with your family. Just simple living. I would not trade these three weeks for anything. No cruise, not beach, no far off place could ever provide for me what this cottage does for our family. (although I would run to work during times when structure, homework, puzzles and cooking is required). Vacations (and not staying at home)..appeal to me. A lot.

I would not trade going through  the teen years for anything either. When I have all three safely on the other side of adolescence I intend to write a big fat book about how I got there and still have a smile on my face. It is fascinating and tests every capability and strength and weakness you have ever had as a parent. I am sooooooo glad I have done my homework and have been practicing ritualizing, and deliberateness and discipline with them since they were born. I honestly don’t know how anyone could get through these issues without strong foundations and boundaries already in place?

So beat me silly ok guys? Get me while I am down! C’mon I am ready for you!Because I love you both unconditionally. I love you both fiercely. And nothing you do or not do will tear me away from either of you.

Sorry to say we are stuck together for a good long while.

I hope you understand however that I may be a little bruised and broken from the fight. Still kicking though. And have lots more energy in me. I may be beaten up in some ways….but mostly I am shining. With you and because of you.

We did it boys. We did it.

5-4-3-2-1?????

It really hit me today:

That I have a hell of a lot of work to do in the next 5 yrs.

I have been telling my kids over the last number of years that by the time Beauty is finished grade 10 (so kids 16, 18, 20yrs), I would likely have a whole new career. A very exciting one likely involving having written a few really good books and likely being a motivational keynote speaker travelling around the word talking about parenting and life in general. Or even have my own popular talk show!!!. ( big goals I know! I feel best to set the bar high and aim towards it)

So at the dinner table the other night in front of a bunch of friends  Beauty says” Ya my Mom in 5 years is going to make a whole bunch of money and be really really busy and popular”

And that scared me!!!!!

I only have 5 yrs??? It used to be 10 yrs..then 8 yrs…how did we get to 5 yrs all the sudden?

It’s too soon. I feel like all my attention right now has to be on two things 1) my work-to provide for us and our family lifestyle  2) my family (in the reverse order or the order I wrote it. Both.)

I have a very cushy, well paid, interesting and challenging management pharmaceutical role. It’s where I need to be. I can never lose this role or company. Fits me and my lifestyle like a glove.

I have three kids who are in (or are going into too) the most turbulent times of their lives and need me and my guidance more than ever.It’s not academic guidance they need…it is ME. Often. THERE.

And that is how it is and where I am at.

In 10 years I will have all the time in the world-but for now I do not. And it is a blessing.

So I will co-author the book I’m currently half way through. Next year or the year after I will likely tackle my own book as has been a dream of mine forever and my thoughts are almost spilling onto the pages. And I will prepare that keynote motivational talk. It will be funny, and creative and inspiring, full of music and photography and dance. It will be an experience. It will make people think, and laugh and cry. I wrote about it in a previous blog. It is my future dream.

I will think it all up and rehearse it.But likely it will stay inside of me beyond 5 years…that is what I am thinking. It will be for me for now.

Maybe I will change my mind on this. And maybe I won’t.

But how could I possibly get up on a stage or publish a book that advocates for following your heart and being the best you can be for your family…when by the very nature of having that book or talk or show…that I would be often away from where I need to be? And not only need to be but knowing I need to be there? Even contributing to a book takes so much time sometimes I don’t know how I am possibly pulling this off? I take the time from weekends, cuddles with the kids, phonecalls with friends……precious time. But I love writing it!! Torn!

Motherhood is forever.

That being said-the chickadees only stay for a short time. Trust me……trust me. I know. I can feel one…..turning into a full on chicken right in front of my eyes. Feels like tonight in particular-he actually became a rooster.

My rooster still.

Our rooster.

5-6-7-8-9-10??