Missing Tuesdays

Ever since the moment our first son was born almost 16 yrs ago my husband and I made a pact. To be home for dinner as a family almost all Tuesdays and Wednesdays nights in general. (and the weekends) Pre kids we both used to get home at around 7:30m or 8pm Mon –Thursday and switched that up pretty quickly when we started having babies. For 16 yrs my husband has worked late Monday nights (really late as in often 11pm!) and Thursdays nights both of us work late until often about 8pom. Tuesday and Wednesday we are home by 6:30 and always have family dinners. Of course there are exceptions, travel, offistes, and business dinners. But we avoid anything we have control over those nights and for 16 yrs. that has worked amazingly well for us.

We even have adjusted kid’s activities around this pact. Their tutoring too. Even their part time tutoring job they do for the neighbor next door. We protect this time like crazy at the expense of many swimming lessons, soccer, dance lessons and anything else. If you are on a Tuesday or Wednesday after 6pm…you don’t get to be on our priority list.

Until the last 4 months came along. My husband has something right now every Tuesday night that is important to him and we have made it a priority. A real priority.

And boy do we feel this is our family. I can’t even imagine being a family who does not put deliberate quality time aside for each other……it must be so alienating. Just in four months we feel the pull and the shift and the not being as connected. Throw in there about 7 weekends we have not gone to the cottage all 5 of us (as there was often all or 1 missing this Fall on weekends) and it is just plain sad. Having teens is a big adjustment to lives, calendars and routines. Now that three of them will be in high school next year we find ourselves fighting harder and harder to protect our time.

I am seriously hoping we can get back on track soon with our schedules because what a difference it makes in a family. Study after study show that eating together as a family is one of the healthiest things families can do to decrease drug use, drinking, age of sexual activity etc….If that is not enough to convince me of the importance of eating together-I don’t know what is!

All that to say our lack of Tuesday night’s recently is deliberate and has a much higher purposes that remains something I won’t be discussing on this blog. And sometimes part of being a family is sacrificing for its members and their needs at various points isn’t it? I can’t wait to get our 16 yr. routine back into place but I also feel pride in knowing what matters and when. And for losing enough control (in a good way) to let that all play out.

Part of growing up teenagers is also growing up and changing ourselves. And growing and adapting right alongside them. And as I have one son in grade 10 now and next yr the last year of highschool...I realize that very soon our schedules will shift yet again….but when we get there they may be no turning back. I can’t imagine our dinner table without him on Tuesdays or any other precious night of the week. Imagining him in Cegep year and a half right now sometimes makes me feel physically ill.

“The days are long but the years are short”

 

Trust me ...it's all so very very true

Make every moment count as often as you can.

 

 

Home Sweet Home

I am missing the beach but coming home has been fun too. I realize that it is the balance between work hard play hard that sustains me and keeps me happy and motivated. Maintaining and keeping that balance however is often much harder than it appears and takes a whole lot of planning and strategizing and going to bat for what I want for my family and me.

But coming back to my kids has been so nice. I realize how just normal everyday stuff is so precious and important and puts big smiles on my face:

Like Beauty parent teacher meeting. Seeing Beauty in her element sitting there glowing with the praise of her teacher. He teacher this year is THE coolest person ever. Talks about boys and kissing and watches all the PG movies and not just the G ones and discusses them all with her students. She is sent from the heavens this young woman and we love her. Seeing the relationship between her and our daughter was amazing. The synergy, the love, the pride, the honesty.

Made me realize the importance of the influence of other roles models in our kids’ lives and how what we see of them is only part of them. There is so much more to their lives beyond our family and as they get older this piece increases and grows.

Seeing Bear.He was in a bit of a crappy mood before we left for a few weeks and difficult and a bit distant. We come home and he says “I am done now. Finished with that part. I think I will have puberty soon-look at my zits!!! (All excited). He is just such a beautiful, beautiful, kind hearted (stubborn, difficult, demanding) person. There are parts of me that look far into the future and see this son as a man and our lives together…I can see it all so clearly.

Chase who sent me an important text saying we needed to speak and that he was unhappy with me. Moi??? Took him 12 hrs to admit that his friend told him about his surprise bday party for 16^th skiing an told me that he was not happy I had planned this.AT ALL. Of course I am thoroughly disappointed..,but I was proud that he stood up for his needs and asserted himself and gave feedback in a direct and proper manner. And he told me basically the rules of adolescence and parents with friends. Never ever text his friends and it is so not cooI . I learnt a lot last night!!!!

And this morning at cottage taking a weekend to reconnect as a family. A big family cuddle in bed…going out to have Chase drive on small streets…..planning X-mas lists….family fire talks with various shifts mom and dad have come up with in the family on vacation as always that they will roll their eyes too…We are the Miller’s movie tonight…Mexican for dinner in the kitchen…..making snow rails in the snow……a game of Clue..lots of homework….a bunch of work and emails for catch up for me by the fire….

Life is good, whether on vacation or off vacation. With it’s many challenges and obstacles…and wonderful moments. I love it all and will take it all.

I have a big new role at work now too that I just begun. And I realize that everything surrounding it is exactly what I need right now. I am ready to take on a whole different ball game….but not ready to leave the family to far behind me either. Both my work and my family will remain a massive focus for the next 4 yrs. Status quo with a whole lot of new enhancements.

I am exactly where I need to be. Took me a whole to realize but I am here. And here is the best place I could be. Sometimes my wanting can get ahead of my needing if I don’t stop myself. But the want and need are unified and will stay that way for the next few years.

A series of good decisions and outcomes.

 

I realized on my trip that this blog has really made a difference in my life. I may use it differently than others (not comments much except for emails, don’t comment much on other’s blogs except friends, don’t connect blog to social media etc..) but it has served a big purpose in my life the way I use it and it is being honest about my life and where I am and where I want to be. It has been a self-discovery tool with a lot of traffic for me …fun to see others following my journey….without the big commitment of responding back and forth that always turned me off of blogs in the past (except for with close people who I love commenting and discussing blogs with but no time for strangers at this stage of my life).

Thank you Savvy for the introduction (and I was a tough one as I was so resistant and negative at first) to this new world for me

The 7 letter Word

 

 LEAVING.....

Tomorrow that is. We will get up super early to both soak up the last rays of sunshine before our plane and to get our bodies back on track with being woken up by alarms and up early.

 

 

 

 

This felt like our best vacation ever (although we pretty much always say that about our vacations and our cottage vacations too) Guess that is a good sign right that we like our life? Also we met many people here and various people commented that we also seem to love our jobs and that surprised them…that is a good sign too I guess? I am so happy for Hubby that over the years-he has gotten back to a place of enjoying his work again especially in the new office.

Best 10 moments

-realizing that we love this condo almost as much as the one we rented here for the last 5 yrs.

-the privacy of the balcony and the bed out there

-Lou’s parting words!!!!

-Conch tour and a second free conch tour

-Amazing double shower room (vs. shower stall) so incredibly cool

Amazing books including “End of your Life Book Club” and decision to start up my own bookclub of just me and my Mom!

-The amazing meals cooked every day and every night by Hubby

-Tacos at Somewhere café and lime margaritas

-Chairs on the beach

-Floating in the pool

-Romance and Love with my guy that cooksJ

 

Few things learned here:

That we are resistant to change but we can do it!

Those dogs are scary in on a deserted beach!

What is important to us in case of a fire!

Vulnerability is the true sign of true love and a badge of honor. It is hard!

Getting off email and texts for a week is really good for the soul. Coming back on for an hour a day to texting and personal email is also good for the soul! Checking work a few times here and there and responding is also fine in the second week!

We know how to do vacation…honestly we have it all figured out in this department@!

We never really want to retire…just take more and more vacation as time goes on!

 

Things we are looking forward to back home

Seeing our babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hugging and kissing them!!!

Seeing my Mama Bear!!! She has a mild concussion believe it or not that she got on our first day here and we found out about the second week L((((((

Ski season!!!!! (That is one season we would never go on vacation during!!)

Weekend at the cottage with kids catching up and watching movies and making homemade pizza!

Doing the Shift and eating differently!

Starting my new role at work which I am starting to feel excited about!

Going on next vacation! Will be a first as without Hubby. I am going with my Mom and Soulkeeper to Dominican Republic later March. I have ever been away with girls except for weekends. Most of my girlfriends have taken week long trips with other girlfriends and I have always thought “one day I want to do this”. The time has come and I am super excited. Big travel year for us (well me)

Anyways I loved every moment of this luxurious vacation and   I love Turks and Caicos. I thoroughly decided this vacation that this is the best place on earth and this is the beach for us. I would come here 5 times a years if I could.

Bye bye Turks and Caicos!!!!!

xoxoxoxoox

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming into Focus

A year ago today is when Hubby and I got the call from Chase. We were on vacation here in Turks like every November:

“We need to talk when you get home Mom and Dad. I think I need to be accessed for ADD.”

6 weeks later he was diagnosed. (we paid privately to speed up the process) On the higher spectrum too which was shocking to us. Fast forward 4 months later and he was on Concerta. All of it was heart wrenching and anxiety provoking and difficult. The guilt in not realizing, the worry for the meds, understanding the impact etc. Figuring it all out. It is never easy to put a child on a medication; one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Fast forward a year tonight and here we are. Chase got his report art last week and has upped his average by 8 percent this semester!!! Not a single bad comment from a teacher on behaviour or academics. No parent teacher meeting requests! He was placed in advance math this year (short of a miracle for a kid who scraped by for years in math) and he was equal to the class average. At an elite school like this-being anything close to the class average is a blessing.

And the focus and confidence academically are night and day.

Words cannot articulate the pride we feel in him. And not because the grades have gone up (because this semester they did but other semesters they may not) the pride comes from:

His pure determination. His willingness to work hard for stuff that does not come as naturally to him in some areas. His ability to take control of his learning issues and face them directly. To ask for help and accept the help he is offered. To feel proud of whom he is exactly the way he is. To not feel like ADD gets him down at all-but to work with it and battle it and live with it. His attitude towards all of this is simply amazing. We are totally impressed.

To understand so young that determination and hard work when it comes to school are everything. Attitude and perseverance is everything and can go a long way in life. It is finally all soaking in. Awww…..

People thought we were crazy last year when he got put in advanced math this year and we accepted the spot (he was close to last on the list but still made it) but my instincts told me to go for it even though it is this year that qualifies for CEGEP. My belief in his capability told me he needed to go for it. And we did. It was probably the best decision we made as a family in a long time. I have never seen a kid more proud about telling people that he was put in the advanced math stream. Brag child brag..you so deserve it. Getting Chases’s report card on our trip was amazing. Seeing his average at what it is was amazing.

But nothing-nothing at all compares to the feeling of seeing his pride of himself. His own pride far surpasses anything we feel and this to me is everything we hoped for.

And the best part is that if his marks has been lower or higher or the same-for the first year in our lives…whatever the outcome had been….we knew he could and would handle it. Chase is well on his way into growing up into an independent and totally capable young man.

Conerta has brought him into focus. One day I quill write the book and dedicate it to him:

 

Love, Me (and ADHD)

A Mother’s Journey of bringing her Son’s Sparkle into Focus

There are soo many books to write!!! Maybe I can live on a beach like this and do this full time one dayJ))

I remember my professional mentor telling me (I rely on this guy as one of the smartest people I know) He rarely handed out advice and made me find my own solutions but there was one thing he was very very clear on:

Your prime focus in the next years Tarina should be to get all three kids through high school. The best highschool that you can possibly afford. And to get the highest grades they can possibly get. And the best and most well-rounded education they can possibly have. This is your most important role as a parent. Get them through it the very best you can. Everything else needs to come secondary until you have done it.

Funny. His advice plays through my mind over and over and over. It is advice that I will never forget.  Was so unusual and strong coming from a guy who never dishes out any type of advice? It will always stay with me and I will do everything I can to follow it. Whatever comes up for me in life…this wise man’s advice comes popping in my head. And CEGEP and University are just as important to me but by then the three kids will hopefully have the ability to make it as important to them as it is to me.

 

 

 

Everything Invisible

Today we went for a super long walk for miles and miles on the beach. It was a cloudy rainy day like it has been the last three days and we decided a perfect day to walk to the tip of the island.  We have done this every year in Turks at one point.. Taken the long trek to both tips of the island…and there we have a special ritual.

We make wishes. And they always come true.  (don't all wishes that we totally focus on?)We reach the tip and gather a bunch of rocks and shells and say aloud our wishes. Not random wishes either. One wish for health of the ones we love which is the most important one. Then one wish for the kids. One with for our partner (each other!) one wish for ourselves. And then one secret wish for each of us. All wishes are spoken aloud and a rock thrown in specifically for the wish. The secret wish is silent (today we both admitted that we were thankful the other was not a mind readerJ

It is a beautiful ritual and makes us feel hopeful and powerful and have faith.

And it is invisible I realized like so many other things in our lives.

My Protector and I have many ways and have so many things we do that are just between us-like this ritual. We don’t speak of this stuff…to others. To our kids to other people. Lots of stuff that is ours. Two years ago when Bear did not have his spot in the sports program bc of surgery Hubby ran to both tips of the island twice and made special wishes for Bear-but we never told Bear. Sometimes we will have these really cool conversations our lives and our kids but we don’t share them with our kids. I guess most people are like this-but for some reason this ritual made me ponder this more. People who share about their lives a lot and people who don’t as much.

 Thank goodness for family night as it reminds us to share more. It provides that forum for us to remember to share all this good stuff. This blog is that for me too…before this all this stuff just stayed in my head. Now I am more conscious to share more often and reap the benefits of sharing too.

It’s funny- out of most people I am close to I share the least about my life in many ways (what worries me…what we do as a family….my work…details about our daily lives….etc..) Most people I know share a whole lot more which I adore hearing. This blog changed a lot of this for me and also my development towards being more vulnerable and supportable by others. The ability to receive is a skill that I have been working on.

The wishes are so different this year .Gone seem the days were I would wish I was “more like this..”or more like that”. I know now that all of it is perfectly within my reach.

I realized that the man beside me throwing wishing rocks in the ocean………..is also entering a whole new phase with me. He too. Me too. Together. Us. Our wishes this year had a very very distinct and different flavor. We are growing up. We have evolved. As people and a as couple too.

The tip of the beaches in Turks and Caicos will always be a magical place for us. It did not disappoint today that is certain. As we walked back in the rain and the clouds and the wind slapping our hair and faces I realized that just like this long walk how far we have come.

We stopped to eat at the gorgeous somewhere café that Savvy recommended and we delved into the yummy tacos and margaritas and salad-so tired and exhausted by our walk. And it was then and there that I realized that these things we wished for our kids….we things that we ourselves are just uncovering in certain ways. We have reached a new level of life really. What has taken us so long?

But life is long and the process of learning is forever. There is no right and wrong and there is no finish line to cross.

Writing. Wishing. Being.

Becoming visible to ourselves, others and to our lives.

Often thinking and feeling: where have you been all of my life?

 

Predictability

Yesterday was Vulnerability and today is Predictability (or Unpredictability actually).

Super early this morning the fire alarm goes off in our building of hotel. Like the dogs were not enough drama for me! So we race out of bed as nothing scarier than a hotel fire right? I decide I have one minute to take what is essential so I start barking out orders to Hubby and running around myself:

Take Passports!!!! (Not so much bc I want to get home but because I want to travel again!!)

Take Money!!! (Money always comes in handy right? Especially if I want to come back here)

Where is my agenda!!!! (Aka known as my life!)

Both phones!!!! (Never know when you might get a text about your kid’s report cards!)

Computer and charger!!! (All I keep thinking is that the book I am writing is on there-8 chapters and a year later that makes a big difference!!!!)

 

Then I grabbed a robe and threw it over my see- through tank lace top and tiny sleeping boxers. No bra. No shoes…no clothes..no sunglasses… no bathingsuit or underwear. No books!!

Hubby had other priorities:

Go and get coffee from machine?????????? Bring coffee down to poolside???

Get floating mat and magazines and while we are down there get our chairs set up for day????????

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

But I can’t talk. I was so tired I just lay down on a pool chair and pretty much fell asleep. I didn’t even bother to ask about the fire. Then I realized my wedding rings were upstairs and I still decided to sleep! What the hell is wrong with me??????????????

And there is Hubby with his café and floater mat just walking around the resort.

Someone apparently overcooked something in there room and lots of smoke but no fire. Nice way to relax on vacation eh getting woken up by a huge siren before the birds are up?

Was so funny because all the woman coming out of room were saying “I only had a minute to brush my hair and teeth-it was horrendous!” You care more about your hair than your agenda and lists? Are you crazy?

Another guy went back up to get his snorkelling equipment and said he didn’t care about his passports? Guess he wants to live here.

Just shows we all have different priorities in life eh? Makes the world go round this diversity it does. There is something for everyone and someone to love every odd bird.

All I know is that between Hubby relaxation mode and my organization and lists-we got it covered baby.  Hahahah. And clearly we both rely upon our “natural beauty” (or lack of it!) in these urgent situations. We both don’t give a flying…F…what we look at this time of day (or any time of day on vacation that is!) Last night we went out to dinner and timed ourselves and took 3.5 minutes to get ready for a fancy resto!

Our priority will always be pleasure. Hedonists I guess.

Let me tell you we know how to do vacation. Really really well.

 

Vulnerabity

I have felt emotional  vulnerability many a time in my life. Whether is was from a fight my hubby and I had, my son starting Concerta, a friend moving away,  a child being rolled off into surgery, troubles at work or a conflict with a BFF. It is not a feeling foreign to me.

Physical vulnerability I have felt less so. A few times that stand out in my mind but far from often. Birth hardly without an epidural, the anesthesia of surgery, back/neck problems that are chronic and reoccurring, etc..

Today I felt really really physically vulnerable.

Hubby and I headed out to a very secluded part of the beach. We have the car that we give back tomorrow so we decided to drive to it and then walk from there. All there is  miles and miles of gorgeous, breathtaking and calm waters. Massive and set back estate properties. Hardly a soul in sight. After walking a mile or so a boat passed with three local men in it. All the sudden my heart quickened a beat and I felt vulnerable. What if they approached us and came near us and attacked us? No one would very know-I felt exposed. On the boat went and the feeling passed.

Another half mile along-I sensed danger all of a sudden. The feeling came back. This time it was not men but two guard dogs heading right towards us and barking. They would not stop and I realized we were cornered. It was so so scary. We headed into the water but had a backpack with all our cards and phone etc. in it so did not go to deep. The dogs kept at us and kept circling us and  barking and barking. All the sudden I had these horrible images of dying this way and being attacked by dogs. Of one chewing me up and my husband having to watch or worse them chewing him up and be having to watch. I realized that we were trapped and there was no one around. We would have to walk miles in this water to get away as the dogs would follow. I had memory flashes of being chased by a Doberman dog at my godparent’s house as a child and the fear that accompanied it. (ok Caro6 stop laughing now ok???)

Finally by some miracle they left. I tried to remember every passage I have read in any book about animals and realized that ignoring them was best. I felt a full on panic attack coming on and so this was hard with tears streaming down my face to pretend all was normal. And I was angry at my husband for taking us there and for me agreeing. He is my compass and I just listen to whatever he tells me with stuff like this. Not good.

So they left and so did we and headed back.

That situation scared me to bits and made me realize how life can change in an instant. By something as stupid as heading out to see a secluded beach

Safely conscious Chase would not have been proud of his parents. Far from it.

Back at the condo now and safe and sound. Tomorrow going to stick to what we know: Sailing, reading and sleeping.