Hours in Love

This is the first morning that I am not with my kids in 288 hrs. Then  there were the other 144 that we were all asleep in the same house that I did not count.

(Also did not count that my daughter is still home today as a day off for her from school-what a great idea school to give a rest day after two weeks of vacation! )

We spent ALOT of time as a family on this vacation. And with a lot of extended family and a lot of friends. But never apart. My kids saw one friend one their own and she came to our house for 3 hours. They had no sleepovers and no outings outside of the hours without us except for skiing for a few hours at a time. We went everywhere and were everywhere all 5 of us except for 5 hrs in Sauveur that we spilt up and twice to the grocery store two of us and driving back and forth from skiing just one of us with the kids.

As I write this I think we must be really bonded or really really crazy.

That’s just the way it is in our family. I guess we really are abnormal. I guess my teens are freaks?

And ps yesterday was the first day that I felt I might punch my kids in the face. Yesterday I was so ready for them to go back to school it was not even funny. They were screaming and wrestling and fighting and whining. At one point in the car on the way home I just blocked them all out. They were telling me funny stories and nice things about myself I vaguely recall and I just told them to shut up. That I was  busy texting other human beings and could not bear them anymore.

 

PSS-they did not feel the same. They had no interest in going to school today or I guess seeing their friends either.

 

PSSS-I still have no need to punch my husband in the face. I never get sick of him it seems. It is 8:45am and we are still in bed blogging away and talking away and reading away right next to each other. Neither of us seem to be able to get up..get showered…get dressed..and start our works day. This is ludicrous.

Good thing I am working for myself today and have no apts until noon. Oh and like a million hours of catch up work for the other company and job I do.

 

If I count the hours I can stand my family and they can stand me (and not just stand but mainly really delight in)…we love each other a whole whole lotJ

And despite my day yesterday of annoyance…..I would take a million more hours with them if I could. It is never enough it seems.

 

PSSSS-NO I NEVER EVER WANT TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. I JUST LIKE VACATION IS ALL.

 

 

Back to Reality

I work in HR and have for years. Something that has always shocked me is how anyone could possibly just give up any of their vacation days. Just give them up….poouf.. Gone. Back to the bank of the company to do nothing with. To me this is about the same as committing a crime. A felony. Not human actually.

But it is done by millions  of employees around the world over and over.

However I also read an article this week that said 70 percent of Canadians admit to “texting often” while driving so why would I consider giving up vacation as criminal really? Hey I want to send out a tweet about the cake I baked why not take the chance of killing that nice family in the car in front of me??

I guess over and over the human race (including myself) shock and surprise me. And disappoint me on many levels too (myself again included). So many times a day a month a year a decade I look at the world (and myself) and say “Really? Is that possible?”

Naïve naïve little baby girl here clearly

So many things people around me do (or don’t do). Or say (or don’t say) shock and disappoint me. Constantly. (Again myself and my family included).

Naïve naïve little baby girl here clearly . Yes I repeated this again for some extra effect.

Clearly I am getting away from the subject of back to reality and regressing because of my bitter mood right now. Ya so what? It’s my blog right?

 

 

 

So tonight is back to reality for us all. Laundry, cleaning, organizing, lists, preparing for work and school. Of course with the break for Downtown Abbey at 9pm if we can fit it in.

And back to reality it is. A big reality. A really really really big reality.

And how do I feel? Agitated about many many many things right now. Irritable about many many things too. Since losing our housekeeper earlier this year…it seems the world is giving us the message that we have to get our act together. Completely alone. And we will. Bring on the medical issues! The new jobs! The financial stuff! The problems! The lack of help! Minor and major inconveniences!

We are ready for it all. Personally I am one tough cookie.

So yes agitated, irritable..alienated,,detached,,disappointed are all high on top of my list of back to reality feelings.

I have a chapter to write of a book this week and a new leadership role to take on in between the laundry, the dishes, the driving, the food, the meals, the Christmas tree coming down…and a whole lot more.

But somewhere amidst that irritability and agitation and fear……….is serenity and peace. Yes folks you heard right it is there. It is present. It is inside of me.

And the more I fend of my disappointment and agitation with the world..and depend on myself and my little family; The more I self contain ourselves and be together and talk together an understand each other and are self-sufficient….that serenity is also present.

We have built a palace in our family. And that palace is my place; my haven and I thank god for it everyday.

I feel like a huge salami and pastrami sandwich. With lots of mustard and mayonnaise and lettuce and tomatoes and pickles and olives and juice pouring from the seams of it….with right in the very very very center a little red pepper jelly that no one even realises it there. A little red dot of peace and joy and hope and a bust of beautiful flavor just for us. And none can help us put it there or find it or eat it except for the five of us.And trust me we will find that red pepper jelly people. We will find it and gobble it right up.

Back to reality. Alone together. Family of five. Organized Chaos.

Thank you housekeeper for quitting. You saved my soul in the end.

 

Nothing

I started my blog 2.5 years ago and not one single time did I not have something to write about when I sat down and opened my computer. Not once.

Today Is the day!

Nothing.

Nada.

Out of thoughts.

(it must have something to do with my new patience and serenity words….they are making me too laid back and Zen or something)

 

Sure I could write about the amazing day we had with our buddies and their kids at Trent..or the big fight and drama in the evening with our friends  (not!!!). Or I could write about the anticipation of my day today with one of my best buddies and our adorable daughters….

But I don’t feel like writing.

It just so happened to be the time to do my blog.

Time to read and then take a shower I guess.

Not sure how interesting patience and serenity is going to feel for my faithful blog readers..soory guys!

This blog is god awful boring today.

 

Waiting to Unwap

I knew it would be a great evening when I saw her sitting at the kitchen counter at the cottage sipping her hot chocolate with a straw. She looked so domestic and so sweet. So capable. Then she proceeded to put her apron on, cut her daily pomegranate, put it is a bowl, keep her apron on and come and cuddle by the fire and eat it.

I looked at my daughter on Jan 1…..really really looked at her..and saw the woman she would be..the wife she will be…mainly the mother she will be one day. I saw her there in that little apron eating her pomegranate, with her daintily necklace around her dainty neck, her 4 bracelets jingling. I am always in awe of her petite and thin and lean and long and tall and muscular body. What her body will look like as a woman. I picture her opening the door to us on Sunday dinners and welcoming us in her apron with her little chain around her neck having just finished a bunch of baking and craft projects with her many children and animals in tow. Having just finished a busy week of work but pulling off the stay at home mom thing effortessly. Her little small apron answering the door to us.

My daughter is..something else. But that is not what got my attention. It was that I was fully  present..that I noticed. January 1 started off well because of this. I am by far by best when I am patient and present.

 

And January 1 is when I get the biggest insights ever into who my children are. Who they really are. Christmas does not give me that insight..nor does Easter or birthfays. New year’s does. January 1 is a day that is special to all of us for some weird reason. It just happened on its own and grew into that. There was no trying to find a special tradition or orchestrating any of it. –it just did . It just is.

I will never travel at Christmas and New Years holidays. Everything I want is at this cottage. Everything my family needs is at this cottage.

 

I think  the core all of us our just really intimate family cozy people. We all love the time off at the holidays more than all the hoopla about it. Our fave parts are just doing nothing and watching movies and hanging out. Some how new years turned into this for us. Sure the party Dec 31 is fun….but January 1 is even better. We have lunch with my Mom and it is always so nice. Then we just take our time coming back to cottage. Have no dinner. Just snack on whatever is around. Nothing special and nothing planned.

And then it is our “backward forward” tradition that lights up my heart like nothing else in the year does. They all take it so seriously (the only time of year they really focus and commit in this way). We look back in the book. We look forward. We do our individual lists and share with each other.

And who amazes me most is my husband. Year after year. I am never ever prepared for what he says. I could never have guessed it. And how little of his life centers around me (not in a bad way). But in a way that is foreign to my psyche and my understanding of him.  For my kids lists either..so shocking, so beautiful. So uniquely them. All of us…and so easily shared the most intimate parts of our lives and secrets, our needs not met, the moments that were. Exposed. Raw, Beautiful.

 

Moments of 2013 of people wanting more in friendships, deep desires of achievement, cherishing reuniting with a person that has been missed, wanting the spotlight, having the spotlight, wanting a best friend, having a best friend, wanting more adventure, needing more quality time, reflecting on a problem that has become bigger than us, health and safety always top of everyone’s lists…and on and on and on and on…

And I love that I don’t lead this. Nothing of me makes this happen. We all make it happen together. There are none of my values being taught, or values that I think are good for them to learn. It is all about us as individuals. And this has always been my dream to see my family capable of this. Without me.  Maybe Because of me but without me?

When I saw them all last night I realized how proud I am of where we are as a family. It may only be one night a year that everyone could be so open and focused and quiet and serious and committed to this-but that one night means everything. There may be chaos and farting and laughing and wrestling and bossiness and drama and non-ability to focus all the other days…but on this day….somehow it all works out and comes together.

And I realize….that everything I have always wanted for them all..and for myself is already there. It all was heard and soaked in and digested. And it all plays out in the beautiful candlelit room on the first day of the year.

I look at them all and feel so in love. So in love with the people that are being uncovered. Who I partially know but also have no clue about. And I feel excited to keep on unwrapping and discovering each one of them little by little.

The only gifts that have any meaning to me are all sitting in that room. Waiting for me to have the courage and strength to unwrap fully.

My (two) Word of 2014

I can’t fall asleep at night on Dec 31^st until I choose my word for the new year. Last night this was a huge problem considering that I only tried to fall asleep after the big party at 2am.

By 3:38 am I had my word. By today Jan 1 I have my second. I cheated this year. This year gets to cheat and have two.

Last year it was “V” (for Vanessa). That word was with me all year..guided me…lead me..inspired me. And I became very “V”

My two words this year are:

1-Serenity

2-Patience

 

Serenity: steadiness of mind under stress; composure, calm, peacefulness

Patience: ability to accept and tolerate delays, problems, sufferings without becoming annoyed or anxious

And ps I have already arranged to wear both around my neck! In a 12 hr span!

 

Oh yes people I am putting myself up the the challenge this year!!!! I am severely stretching my innate and current  (non) capabilities in these areas!

But I did V very well..I see no reason I cannot be serene and patient in 2014 right??? At least some of the time. Serene I am already half way there…patient is a whole other story. But I need to be both. This is the year.

So there we have it. Today we slept in until 11am (thank you God for finally allowing us some sleep and no skiing) and then we had a beautiful lunch out with my Mom. Funny stories..Lots of hugs….she commented lots on the way my jeans are fitting, me lately….we ate yummy St Hubert chicken and gravy and coleslaw and had delicious desserts. We went and deposited all the kid’s Christmas money in the bank and stopped off to cash in the winning stocking lottery tickets and won more!

Now at Trent and tonight is my fave tradition of the year: Burning Bear's candle he buys me for my bday and doing our looking back and looking forward for the Year in front of a roaring fire on our cozy couch. Written all in my beautiful leather note book . I can’t wait..And although the kids won’t admit it I know they all love it too.

And the Hubby gives us all “La Benedition”. A blessing. For the New Year. And why? Because his Dad gave it to his children on New Year and now he gives it to our because he is the Patriarch now. And Patriarchs give blessings right? And it makes us feel good to be blessed.

January 1^st for me defines the rest of my year. Sometimes it is puking..sometimes it is watching others clean it up…sometimes is it wishing I could clean it up myself..sometimes it is looking sleek and slimmer in my new jeans..sometimes it is laced with sadness and pain..or sometimes overflowing with happiness and peace.

Today was a mix of all of the above. And despite it all (and because of it all) I just felt love..for my husband..my children and my Mom and for the village we have all built together brick by brick together…and a sense that we will all be ok. By the end of this year-we will be happier than we started off. And the level we are starting from is pretty damn acceptable.  I am anxious and excited to see what we are like by the end of 2014. But I will patiently wait...wait and see...calmly and serenely. Just like the good good girl I am:)

 

Happy New Year!!!!

 

 

And Suddenly He Turns 16….

 

While everyone was out there celebrating New Year’s in 1997…my little baby was being born. (Ps I was giving birth to him). Our storm baby-both into the Quebec ice storm where we lost electricity for over 2 weeks and moved 5 times. Ever since he has been,..well pretty stormy!

And for the next 16 yrs including today I have loved him so profoundly that I never realized my heart was even a fraction as capable of this kind of love. I have adored him, worried about him, worshipped him, fretted about him and loved him more than life itself.

This boy has totally captured my heart and many of those around him. At 6 months, at 2 yrs., at 5 yrs. at 10 yrs. and still today at 16 yrs. (although considerably less now!)…….his big green eyes, curly thick way shiny hair, his huge smile and personality have made teachers forgive him easily and parents forgive easily. He is charming.

And he loves his birthday gifts,. So much so that he has never worn any other sweater than the one he chose for himself last year are his 15^th birthday (literally).

Last night he announced that he as shaving his “moustache”.

This morning he announced that now that he is 16 he wants to have his first beer with us (not going to happen besides a sip)

Yesterday was his day like we do every year to lounge around, do no chores and do whatever he wanted (computer, TV, Ping-Pong and groceries and making chicken and tabouli, more tv, more phone, more IPad and more TV).

Of anyone I know he is the most forgiving, the most loving of his family, and also one of the funniest people I know. He made his 13 year old cousin laugh and laugh and laugh for five days straight while she was visiting. He adores her as an audience. He is also a truly phenomenal brother. And yes 16 yrs. old boys (mine anyway) still do hug and kiss and say I love you. And they always want to be around their families and don’t lock themselves in their rooms all day.

Today Dec 31 is his bday. Hard to have a bday on a holiday. Half the people forget to call you…your friends are all with their families or travelling and so not much connection. We try to make it up in other ways. His traditional 4 by 4 ride out to brunch with his Dad alone where they illegally drive on the streets (now Chase drives it with Dad on back) lots of presents in the morning with a special 16 one this year he was not expecting, Chocolate croissants he has been begging for at the grocery store.

It’s always a party of course of his birhtday. Most every year at the Sweethearts house surrounded by 32 kids (most much younger) and probably 30 adults. It’s always a blast. This year because a special 16^th bay our friend the host wanted to balke whatever Chase’s hearts desired…soooo sweet. On the menu chocolate cheesecake with raspberry coulisJ

And then his family bday dinner is January 8^th when we are back in city with Didi. We will choose a nice Italian restaurant and go out all together for the evening. We cannot possibly celebrate his bay without his Didi-it just would not be the same.

We all love you so much my darling. So immensely proud of you in every way. You are our first…….and I will always remember every single moment of when I had you…and every moment since. Your are etched into my heart forever and ever and ever. I am so proud to call you my son.  What you have accomplished this year on so many levels is almost unbelievable. With determination, grace and pride in who you are. And you being 16 today….makes me feel super old tooJ

 

Our Best Christmas Ever

 

This Christmas was truly wonderful. Having my brother here with his family made is really really special for us. I went into this Christmas not so much in the spirit-but their visit was exactly what our family needed to lift our spirits.

We spend Xmas Eve at Hubby’s niece’s house which was also so wonderful and my brother and family fit in perfectly. We spend a beautiful Christmas at home with my Mom and then headed to Trent. There we played games, had ping pong tournaments, ate like vegetarian kings and queens, went on 3 hr. hike in the forest on snowshoes, some cross-country skied, some downhill skied, we all skated, tobogganed, went for walks in the snow. Perfect milder winter snowy weather and hot jacuzzi. Fires and glasses of red and rose wine. Zatar sandwiches were a hit and so were bean tortillas. Yummy desserts and snacks and roasted brie lunch and bakery breakfast. We truly had a blast.

 

On their last night here I looked around the table and felt the happiness and the laugher around me and soaked it all in. I love this family…my brother,..my sister in law..my two beautiful and unique and amazing nieces….all of so them very much   We all are so different yet so much the same too. It all just clicks so wonderfully.

Tope 10 moments with Bro Aero Mint sister Schopenhauer and Nieces:

 

1-My niece in Categories debating that Jesus Christ could be listed as a top athlete because he walked on water

2-Scattegories and all our fights in general. Love it.

3- Seeing them all roll in the snow during Jacuzzi and me explaining that is how nerve damage feels

4-Getting totally lost in the forest snow showing (even though I was mad we were lost) was so beautiful. Sheer beauty.

5-Zatar sandwiches!!!!!!!!! Was pretty much on everyone’s top fave thing lost. Yummy!!!

6-The amazing meal they made for us. Homemade guacamole…homemade salsa, black been tortillas, salad and brownie ice cream sundaes

7-The hummus at the resto and the odd way it was measured

8-Ping pongJ More Ping pong (love that 15 dollar gift!!!!)

9-My walk with my brother and our discussions

10-The way I see them loving our kids and the way we love theirs and how we are all so connected even living far away.

Now they are on their way back to far off Indiana and Phase 2 begins of our holidays. And Chase just finished today and intense 3 days of certification to be a ski instructor-and he passed and now can be one!!!

Beauty has been at the slopes every morning at 8:15am for the days for competition and Bear has been sleeping in and skiing in the afternoons. We went skiing today too.

I love the pace here at Trent (that is no shock). We read, we watch movies, we make delicious dinners, we go in the Jacuzzi, we chill out, we warm up, and we fall asleep on the couch. There is so much more time that in normal life. I have not even barely had time to read on this vacation, Bear was rude this afternoon so has no computer time tonight so he is backing cookies from scratch! Love this cottage as he would never do that at home.

Tonight we are watching the Hunger Games two movie. Morning has been super early for skiing and certification and will continue to be, but nights are late and luxurious.

For real, Hubby and I have not had a single moment alone……and when we do we are as tired and fall asleep. It has been busy around here with all the festivities and guests. Also now that lids are older all our time is spent with them as a family. We pretty much fall asleep at night before they do! A whole new dynamic and ballgame for sure.

Tuesday night we go to the Sweethearts New Year party…then a nice New Year breakfast with Didi..the the Sweethearts and the Holidays coming up for a day and night to Trent very spontaneously planned and then Beauty and I meet Caro6 and daughter for tobogganing  and a total catch up chat for us (we will leave the girls tobogganing!)

Lots of busyness and not much down time but between it all there are down moments and I treasure both.

 

Christmas was amazing. The holiday part the best. I love my work-and because of that and the energy that gets put there….I cherish our time off even more .Every precious moment of it.

 

Was a great Christmas…Exactly what we all neededJ