All I Can Do is Imagine

On Friday I had a long lunch with an ex colleague of mine from years ago who was also a very close friend for many years. Our conversation and her trust in me profoundly touched me. She and her family are in crisis right now-and she came to me to listen and trust. Her husband left for in-patient rehabilitation today for alcohol addiction and the safe and comfortable world they have built together seems to be falling part quickly and rapidly. This family is you and it is I. Middleclass, professionals, 4 beautiful and thriving children. If it could happen them it could happen to us.

She trusts me as a coach,  as colleague and as someone who has some experience with alcohol to a certain much lesser degree, in that my husband drank a vodka a night for many years and he did not like the impact that over time this had and has tried to cut back in the last couple of years. So certainly I cannot relate entirely-but I have an understanding more than others might.

Therefore she asked me to imagine…really really imagine what she is going through. To truly emphasize in how this might feel for her today as she dropped him off for three weeks without contact, without certainly. Without him-the person she loves most in the world. And she asked me to write a blog about it for her to make it come alive through my own understanding

And so I did. My beautiful friend-this one is for you.

 

I imagine:

I imagine preparing for him all the things that I think might possibly hep to make it ok. Making a list of all the comfort and special things. Laid out on the bed is a shirt with my perfume on it and a little note tucked inside that they may not find or be able to take away. Painfully deciding together a symbol for each kid to keep them close for each of his children. A symbol also from each child they choose for him and give him to keep close to him…that he will treasure for hours and days in his darkest times of moments. Symbols of love from us all. My rock, the ducks, the one worry   doll to ensure it is only him he worries about with a heart shaped note that I am sure will be confiscated.

I imagine calling up the centre and asking if he can bring his own bedding with him. They will say no but I convince them anyway because he needs his own bedding. Soft, fluffy comfort. The stuff his kids had when they were growing up, soft covers from the cottage to envelope him, comfort him. I imagine they say yes in the end. At least he has that.

Going to Walmart and buying all the things he loves to snack on-the most expensive things and bags and bags of them that he can share with the people there less fortunate than him. Picturing him handing them out on their Saturdays and the Sundays probably the only days that there is allowed such treatsL. Picturing them sitting there the 12 men/ woman fighting for their lives back and enjoying this treat we would have sent. Smiling to myself as I know there will be joy in that moment. And that makes me smile to realize there will be some joy maybe for a moment?

I imagine the days before and how hard they are-the one on one date for each of the kids who are saying goodbye and not knowing what to expect in three weeks-in three months in three years. Hoping and praying it will be ok-but knowing and reading that alcoholism is the longest journey of a lifetime and seems never to have an ending or be complete. I am imagining him chopping wood with them, and taking them out to breakfast, crying with them and comforting them. Scooping up every last ounce of them before he goes.

I imagine all five of us outside at the cottage for more than an hour pouring all the bottles of any alcohol in the snow. Each making our own hole to bury them in-pouring and each taking our turn saying our bit. I can imagine the kids asking if they could swear while doing is and us saying of course. And the swearing in both languages and throwing-what a release of anger in a comical way the angry words roll off their tongues and laughing at them but knowing they are real and there. I can imagine us all out there in the freezing rain laughing and hugging and having fun even through such a difficult time. I can imagine leaving the champagne bottle at the end for celebration-of a brand new beginning and a new way of life each taken our time to pour and celebrate in the hole in the snow. I can imagine the kids hanging on to every word theirs Dad says-listening to every swear word….remembering this for the rest of their lives as a defining moment. Hanging onto and wanting to believe what he is saying. Needing to.

I can imagine me giving a speech about healthy drinking and that drinking is ok as long as it is not a need-stays as a pleasure. I can imagine the kids asking if we could pack away the beautiful vodka glasses Didi gave as a gift  in their past for when the kids move put, I imagine saying yes as long as I think they drink responsibly at that point. Isn’t there pleasure in alcohol at all? Is there? Shouldn’t there be? I imagine me and their Dad happily having sparkling water in them one day when when we vist them at their homes. It seems like so far away to get there..will it be?

Most of all I imagine each social event, each wedding, each occasion with my husband’s hand in mine-and instead of clutching a glass clutching each other tight. A toast with our own glasses and a special wink as only we will know what it has taken to get there.

And I imagine me. Alone. My best friend in the world leaving-going-when I need him most. Setting up counselling for the children, being courageous and setting up counselling for myself weekly with the toughest love counsellor on the face of this earth. Going back again. Going to hell to find heaven. Finding it in myself to do that even though those most challenging times. Being books to read and understand. Signing up for weekend courses for the spouses in a language that is not mine. Trying to support..Trying to accept…trying trying so hard.

And both inviting support and blocking it out. Allowing the people around us who love us to support us-but not really knowing how. Allow some of them in always-some of them in sometimes and some of them in never. And then starting over the next day again and again and again each day changing. Thinking how did my beautiful , secure wonderful amazing marriage now become the one people analyse, pull part, try to put back together, find fault in, truly seek to understand and fix and help with. Am I not the expert on family? Are we not the mentors in this? Are we not what people aspire too? Are we not one of the very few who have been together this long, and succeeded and got to this point? How is it us now that is broken and needing help and under the microscope? Don’t people know that when they talk about him to me as if he is a stranger to me that I don’t hear them? That it doesn’t make any sense to my ears?  This is my husband we are talking about..him..us…together..We know each other more than anyone else in the world……or do we? Doesn’t everyone around me know this?

But yet I understand it as much as I don’t want to. I hear it as much as I don’t want to. I feel it as much as I don’t want too. This is what love is-this is what support is…this is tough love and tough love is part of real unconditional love and support. And as much as I don’t feel I need this …I know I know. I need to know the truth. And maybe I don’t know parts of it and maybe they do. And I know for a fact I would do the same as all of them-I would give tough love and would give the truth. Simply because I love them and I want them to get better. That is what love is. You can’t just take the easy parts that I know for sure. You can’t just take what makes sense to you-as it is the things that don’t make sense that will help you most.

I imagine myself calling and setting up weekly counselling for myself and sensing a sense of urgency in the counselor’s voice. It scaring me that sense of urgency as doesn’t she deal in death and divorce and trauma? Doesn’t she see it all? Why is she fitting me in so quickly-shifting all her schedules and priorities? I imagine here saying “Tarina for the spouse of an alcoholic…it is just as hard for the souse as the person going into a program and so is the recovery later…this situation is often harder than anything else in the world….it is close to traumatic in many ways…and it is something you stay in and not leave which is even harder. Are you free tomorrow morning-you will need help”.  I picture asking her about marriage counselling together afterwards..and that surely the dynamic of the relationship will change and we need to deal with that tight? Handle it? And she sort of laughs a little and says”for now my dear marriage counselling is the least of your concerns and so are the dynamics of your relationship….you need to get thought his and so does he”.

I imagine that weekend before. The buttery chocolate homemade croissants in the oven, holding on for dear life, cuddling under blankets alone and shutting off all commutation. Getting used to be alone-but still being together still. The longer hugs, the anger, the acceptance, the betrayal-the closeness. The hope and the fear that it will never again be ok. The fear that it will. Locking the cottage and knowing we come back it might look and feel differently. What does life feel like without alcohol in it?

Losing control that weekend on a level that has never happened before. Losing control in a good way. Letting control go. Letting it all just be and flow-letting him take the lead maybe for the first time? The lamp on the road..the times to ski. The dinner to be made or not made. What movie shall we watch my Dear?  Preparing to get to the place where we can do fix TV’s and screw in lightbiubs together. Wearing my nicest lingerie and having no expectations, or anger or resentment. Wearing it.

I imagine us both staying up pretty much the entire night two nights before because time is all we feel we control. Looking at the clock and seeing 4:30am? And we are still in from of the fire?. I am still there reading the book I urgently had an instinct to buy on Friday and read every word as I knew it would make the world of a difference. I picture him asking me to read him three chapters by the fire. Read every word of what I learnt to him in an urgent way. And we discuss and discuss..and connect and connect and hope and hope that that book and shift in thinking makes the world of a difference. Isn’t it always a book that saves us in the end? Ending the night and bringing in the morning with a piece of lemon meringue pie before we sleep. Waking up and thinking “are we supposed to take the kids skiing today on our last day?” Could it be possible we are expected to act normally?

I imagine there would be no words to ever describe the hope, the fear, the pain, the shame and the pride. Words would never ever be enough I imagine.

So as I dropped him off and said goodbye… and as heartbreaking and sad and hard as that was-it had nothing on the last few weeks really of getting to that place. Of the deciding..and admitting..and sharing and waiting. We have always been way worse at making decisions than living them. We struggle much more with endings than we do with beginnings.

But now…I am Alone. And so is he. We have never been out of contact for more than 12 hrs in the last 19.5 yrs.

And I go back home and I look at the empty space where the blistex and lotion lay so carefully packed for him..and they are gone. I see his pillow on his side of the bed not there. I feel the book I bought not there, his robe not on the hook and his slippers disappeared.

And at the same time I can feel him unpacking in his own place, with the three other people in the bedroom watching. Envy perhaps of all the love that is there. The frames he carefully choose to bring from the office, the notes of love they will take away because of the no contact rules, the note hidden in the perfumed shirt. I feel him resisting, growing changing and angry even in those first steps of unpacking. Yes anticipating. And somehow I just know that in the end it will all be ok. Somehow..Somewhere.

Because we have hope and faith. Not in a higher power-but in each other. In ourselves and in one another. We are the higher power of our lives along with the powerful universe. We want this. We will get this. This is the real thing people.

Mostly I would imagine that the only hidden jewel in crisis for a family is that everyone gets to see what everyone else is made of. We all get to see the meaning of cooperation..the meaning of love…the meaning of sacrifice and devotion..we get to feel it and not just to talk about it. Lucky us right?

 

And looking at that empty space in my bed. On my bed…where his slippers and smell once were and knowing that I have to fill them up. With what shall I choose? Who will I be? I can imagine filling theses spaces with beauty and love and affection and peace. I can imagine filling my bed and my heart with peace. And how will I do that? Will I be able too? I will be certain to also be a different woman when he gets home too-I must be-we have always run the race together and I have no intention of being left behind. I will fill that space in the way I want to..I need to. I will fill the empty space with courage and hope and love and devotion. Will I?

I can only dare to imagine. It’s all I can do. I can make my imagination as real and as authentic as Grace wants me to-but it’s all in my imagination. As this is not happening to me..to us. It’s happening to someone else…but could just as a easily be us Alcohol is  poison really and one that takes over very very very quickly and slowly for millions of people in the world. It takes over when you least expect it. But it isn’t for us..not yet anyways. And so for now I will imagine that this nightmare-and this overwhelming beautiful and hard moments are happening. But not to me.

Grace will be wrting a guest post for my blog next week (she has her own blog too!). She will share her journey will all of us because we are trying our best to imagine… you..and I really have no clue at all.

 

 

Experience as (the only) Teacher

 

I have come to realize after many many years of resisting this concept…that experience is really the best and only teacher.

You could tell your kid ten thousand times that his hands will freeze if he does not wear gloves in -40 below weather..but frankly until his hands freeze he actually won’t give a crap.

And in today’s society of treating our kids as little princes and buddhas and gods and trying to protect them from all harm out there..and manage their loves ..and their values, is certainly does not help them experience life. But we all do this now…scream at the coach who screams at them…text the bully who calls them names….force them to go to their confirmation classes at church weekly to sure they get to be confirmed …fight their battles for them.

And go to bed in silent tears when we know our kids are unhappy. And think of anything we can possibly do to prevent their unhappiness next time and fix it up this time.

Completely opposite of the generation before us-our parents-who I am quite convinced barely looked at our report cards at the end of the year. So something big happened in the last two decades didn’t it? And something that will not have a positive effect in my opinion for our kids in the future.

I saw this in action with Beauty the other day. We went shopping at a big mall-she had her own errands and I had mine. We each had phones. Normally as a 12yr old a  non brainer..Meet at a meeting point and check in by phone often. Except Beauty went missing three months ago and we had a security team after her. Traumatic and memorable.

 

So we tried again..and man this girl was on the ball! (so were her two brothers who spent 20 mins with her prior explaining all the rules, showing the phone, testing the phone, charging the phone, lecturing her over and over ) God I love big brothers. So she was amazing……amazing…..it was phenomenal to watch this…for her to have connected her past experience..change her actions and adjust behaviour..all on her own. She is now a role model for safely in shopping centers!

And I see it with my boys too. I am so less grating on their nerves and interfering in their lives only a quarter of what I used too. (except for chores!) I let them live their lives now for the most part with guidance and support and comfort. I watch and listen and learn…and I see them grow. It is quite amazing-I honestly can’t believe I got there. With school too-fully on own..their marks and results belong to them. What a difference this has made in their lives. They finally all truly truly truly care. Because they fully own it.

We are finally doing family celebration for Chase  belated bday tonight at a resto with my Mom and Chases invited two friends on his own because he decided not cancel his 16^th b-day party. He came up with this solution and owned it (even though he knows that we don’t invite friends at family dinners for bday). But he is 16 now and has his own ideas of what traditions should be like, and what he likes. He figured if I was wil ling to spend $400 on skiing certainly I would pay $75 extra for his two friends for dinner. So he made that decision and went for it. Interesting…and shows confidence.

 

Shows that I am not the one own making decisions around here anymore! Which is different but definately good.

And my husband too is having a lot of experiences lately he is learning from too..and I see what it does for him….how hard it is…but what strength and confidence it brings.

And trust me I am learning too,.,a lot.  Today I even felt sorry for people who don’t go through big big things in their lives as they don’t get to have pain for long term gain! Talk about rationalization eh?

Last week at the cottage I snuggled up on a chair and had an hour long conversation with a friend who is much more in the “I have to run my kids’ lives mode” and I listened..and sympathized…and I have been there…..and am still partially there. I heard her over and over making decisions for them all, thinking they were the right ones, hoping they were more like this..or more like that…..but she was realizing it wasn’t working for her. The kids are resisting-rebelling-wanting something different than the life she has carved out and hoped for them. And she was calling for advice as she knew I had been there myself.

My advice? Come complete with their capability as much as you possibly and humanly can. Believe in them. Let them fail exams . Swear sometimes. Experiment and see the outcomes. Try out behaviors and see what happens. Trust their instincts. Ignore your own much of the time. You have taught them well and now it is time to let them soar under your careful guidance and support. So far this has been working for us…crossing my fingers it sticks!

 All that so that ultimately they can be set free. Which as sad as it is ...is ultimately the role of parents.

Hours in Love

This is the first morning that I am not with my kids in 288 hrs. Then  there were the other 144 that we were all asleep in the same house that I did not count.

(Also did not count that my daughter is still home today as a day off for her from school-what a great idea school to give a rest day after two weeks of vacation! )

We spent ALOT of time as a family on this vacation. And with a lot of extended family and a lot of friends. But never apart. My kids saw one friend one their own and she came to our house for 3 hours. They had no sleepovers and no outings outside of the hours without us except for skiing for a few hours at a time. We went everywhere and were everywhere all 5 of us except for 5 hrs in Sauveur that we spilt up and twice to the grocery store two of us and driving back and forth from skiing just one of us with the kids.

As I write this I think we must be really bonded or really really crazy.

That’s just the way it is in our family. I guess we really are abnormal. I guess my teens are freaks?

And ps yesterday was the first day that I felt I might punch my kids in the face. Yesterday I was so ready for them to go back to school it was not even funny. They were screaming and wrestling and fighting and whining. At one point in the car on the way home I just blocked them all out. They were telling me funny stories and nice things about myself I vaguely recall and I just told them to shut up. That I was  busy texting other human beings and could not bear them anymore.

 

PSS-they did not feel the same. They had no interest in going to school today or I guess seeing their friends either.

 

PSSS-I still have no need to punch my husband in the face. I never get sick of him it seems. It is 8:45am and we are still in bed blogging away and talking away and reading away right next to each other. Neither of us seem to be able to get up..get showered…get dressed..and start our works day. This is ludicrous.

Good thing I am working for myself today and have no apts until noon. Oh and like a million hours of catch up work for the other company and job I do.

 

If I count the hours I can stand my family and they can stand me (and not just stand but mainly really delight in)…we love each other a whole whole lotJ

And despite my day yesterday of annoyance…..I would take a million more hours with them if I could. It is never enough it seems.

 

PSSSS-NO I NEVER EVER WANT TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. I JUST LIKE VACATION IS ALL.

 

 

Back to Reality

I work in HR and have for years. Something that has always shocked me is how anyone could possibly just give up any of their vacation days. Just give them up….poouf.. Gone. Back to the bank of the company to do nothing with. To me this is about the same as committing a crime. A felony. Not human actually.

But it is done by millions  of employees around the world over and over.

However I also read an article this week that said 70 percent of Canadians admit to “texting often” while driving so why would I consider giving up vacation as criminal really? Hey I want to send out a tweet about the cake I baked why not take the chance of killing that nice family in the car in front of me??

I guess over and over the human race (including myself) shock and surprise me. And disappoint me on many levels too (myself again included). So many times a day a month a year a decade I look at the world (and myself) and say “Really? Is that possible?”

Naïve naïve little baby girl here clearly

So many things people around me do (or don’t do). Or say (or don’t say) shock and disappoint me. Constantly. (Again myself and my family included).

Naïve naïve little baby girl here clearly . Yes I repeated this again for some extra effect.

Clearly I am getting away from the subject of back to reality and regressing because of my bitter mood right now. Ya so what? It’s my blog right?

 

 

 

So tonight is back to reality for us all. Laundry, cleaning, organizing, lists, preparing for work and school. Of course with the break for Downtown Abbey at 9pm if we can fit it in.

And back to reality it is. A big reality. A really really really big reality.

And how do I feel? Agitated about many many many things right now. Irritable about many many things too. Since losing our housekeeper earlier this year…it seems the world is giving us the message that we have to get our act together. Completely alone. And we will. Bring on the medical issues! The new jobs! The financial stuff! The problems! The lack of help! Minor and major inconveniences!

We are ready for it all. Personally I am one tough cookie.

So yes agitated, irritable..alienated,,detached,,disappointed are all high on top of my list of back to reality feelings.

I have a chapter to write of a book this week and a new leadership role to take on in between the laundry, the dishes, the driving, the food, the meals, the Christmas tree coming down…and a whole lot more.

But somewhere amidst that irritability and agitation and fear……….is serenity and peace. Yes folks you heard right it is there. It is present. It is inside of me.

And the more I fend of my disappointment and agitation with the world..and depend on myself and my little family; The more I self contain ourselves and be together and talk together an understand each other and are self-sufficient….that serenity is also present.

We have built a palace in our family. And that palace is my place; my haven and I thank god for it everyday.

I feel like a huge salami and pastrami sandwich. With lots of mustard and mayonnaise and lettuce and tomatoes and pickles and olives and juice pouring from the seams of it….with right in the very very very center a little red pepper jelly that no one even realises it there. A little red dot of peace and joy and hope and a bust of beautiful flavor just for us. And none can help us put it there or find it or eat it except for the five of us.And trust me we will find that red pepper jelly people. We will find it and gobble it right up.

Back to reality. Alone together. Family of five. Organized Chaos.

Thank you housekeeper for quitting. You saved my soul in the end.

 

Nothing

I started my blog 2.5 years ago and not one single time did I not have something to write about when I sat down and opened my computer. Not once.

Today Is the day!

Nothing.

Nada.

Out of thoughts.

(it must have something to do with my new patience and serenity words….they are making me too laid back and Zen or something)

 

Sure I could write about the amazing day we had with our buddies and their kids at Trent..or the big fight and drama in the evening with our friends  (not!!!). Or I could write about the anticipation of my day today with one of my best buddies and our adorable daughters….

But I don’t feel like writing.

It just so happened to be the time to do my blog.

Time to read and then take a shower I guess.

Not sure how interesting patience and serenity is going to feel for my faithful blog readers..soory guys!

This blog is god awful boring today.

 

Waiting to Unwap

I knew it would be a great evening when I saw her sitting at the kitchen counter at the cottage sipping her hot chocolate with a straw. She looked so domestic and so sweet. So capable. Then she proceeded to put her apron on, cut her daily pomegranate, put it is a bowl, keep her apron on and come and cuddle by the fire and eat it.

I looked at my daughter on Jan 1…..really really looked at her..and saw the woman she would be..the wife she will be…mainly the mother she will be one day. I saw her there in that little apron eating her pomegranate, with her daintily necklace around her dainty neck, her 4 bracelets jingling. I am always in awe of her petite and thin and lean and long and tall and muscular body. What her body will look like as a woman. I picture her opening the door to us on Sunday dinners and welcoming us in her apron with her little chain around her neck having just finished a bunch of baking and craft projects with her many children and animals in tow. Having just finished a busy week of work but pulling off the stay at home mom thing effortessly. Her little small apron answering the door to us.

My daughter is..something else. But that is not what got my attention. It was that I was fully  present..that I noticed. January 1 started off well because of this. I am by far by best when I am patient and present.

 

And January 1 is when I get the biggest insights ever into who my children are. Who they really are. Christmas does not give me that insight..nor does Easter or birthfays. New year’s does. January 1 is a day that is special to all of us for some weird reason. It just happened on its own and grew into that. There was no trying to find a special tradition or orchestrating any of it. –it just did . It just is.

I will never travel at Christmas and New Years holidays. Everything I want is at this cottage. Everything my family needs is at this cottage.

 

I think  the core all of us our just really intimate family cozy people. We all love the time off at the holidays more than all the hoopla about it. Our fave parts are just doing nothing and watching movies and hanging out. Some how new years turned into this for us. Sure the party Dec 31 is fun….but January 1 is even better. We have lunch with my Mom and it is always so nice. Then we just take our time coming back to cottage. Have no dinner. Just snack on whatever is around. Nothing special and nothing planned.

And then it is our “backward forward” tradition that lights up my heart like nothing else in the year does. They all take it so seriously (the only time of year they really focus and commit in this way). We look back in the book. We look forward. We do our individual lists and share with each other.

And who amazes me most is my husband. Year after year. I am never ever prepared for what he says. I could never have guessed it. And how little of his life centers around me (not in a bad way). But in a way that is foreign to my psyche and my understanding of him.  For my kids lists either..so shocking, so beautiful. So uniquely them. All of us…and so easily shared the most intimate parts of our lives and secrets, our needs not met, the moments that were. Exposed. Raw, Beautiful.

 

Moments of 2013 of people wanting more in friendships, deep desires of achievement, cherishing reuniting with a person that has been missed, wanting the spotlight, having the spotlight, wanting a best friend, having a best friend, wanting more adventure, needing more quality time, reflecting on a problem that has become bigger than us, health and safety always top of everyone’s lists…and on and on and on and on…

And I love that I don’t lead this. Nothing of me makes this happen. We all make it happen together. There are none of my values being taught, or values that I think are good for them to learn. It is all about us as individuals. And this has always been my dream to see my family capable of this. Without me.  Maybe Because of me but without me?

When I saw them all last night I realized how proud I am of where we are as a family. It may only be one night a year that everyone could be so open and focused and quiet and serious and committed to this-but that one night means everything. There may be chaos and farting and laughing and wrestling and bossiness and drama and non-ability to focus all the other days…but on this day….somehow it all works out and comes together.

And I realize….that everything I have always wanted for them all..and for myself is already there. It all was heard and soaked in and digested. And it all plays out in the beautiful candlelit room on the first day of the year.

I look at them all and feel so in love. So in love with the people that are being uncovered. Who I partially know but also have no clue about. And I feel excited to keep on unwrapping and discovering each one of them little by little.

The only gifts that have any meaning to me are all sitting in that room. Waiting for me to have the courage and strength to unwrap fully.

My (two) Word of 2014

I can’t fall asleep at night on Dec 31^st until I choose my word for the new year. Last night this was a huge problem considering that I only tried to fall asleep after the big party at 2am.

By 3:38 am I had my word. By today Jan 1 I have my second. I cheated this year. This year gets to cheat and have two.

Last year it was “V” (for Vanessa). That word was with me all year..guided me…lead me..inspired me. And I became very “V”

My two words this year are:

1-Serenity

2-Patience

 

Serenity: steadiness of mind under stress; composure, calm, peacefulness

Patience: ability to accept and tolerate delays, problems, sufferings without becoming annoyed or anxious

And ps I have already arranged to wear both around my neck! In a 12 hr span!

 

Oh yes people I am putting myself up the the challenge this year!!!! I am severely stretching my innate and current  (non) capabilities in these areas!

But I did V very well..I see no reason I cannot be serene and patient in 2014 right??? At least some of the time. Serene I am already half way there…patient is a whole other story. But I need to be both. This is the year.

So there we have it. Today we slept in until 11am (thank you God for finally allowing us some sleep and no skiing) and then we had a beautiful lunch out with my Mom. Funny stories..Lots of hugs….she commented lots on the way my jeans are fitting, me lately….we ate yummy St Hubert chicken and gravy and coleslaw and had delicious desserts. We went and deposited all the kid’s Christmas money in the bank and stopped off to cash in the winning stocking lottery tickets and won more!

Now at Trent and tonight is my fave tradition of the year: Burning Bear's candle he buys me for my bday and doing our looking back and looking forward for the Year in front of a roaring fire on our cozy couch. Written all in my beautiful leather note book . I can’t wait..And although the kids won’t admit it I know they all love it too.

And the Hubby gives us all “La Benedition”. A blessing. For the New Year. And why? Because his Dad gave it to his children on New Year and now he gives it to our because he is the Patriarch now. And Patriarchs give blessings right? And it makes us feel good to be blessed.

January 1^st for me defines the rest of my year. Sometimes it is puking..sometimes it is watching others clean it up…sometimes is it wishing I could clean it up myself..sometimes it is looking sleek and slimmer in my new jeans..sometimes it is laced with sadness and pain..or sometimes overflowing with happiness and peace.

Today was a mix of all of the above. And despite it all (and because of it all) I just felt love..for my husband..my children and my Mom and for the village we have all built together brick by brick together…and a sense that we will all be ok. By the end of this year-we will be happier than we started off. And the level we are starting from is pretty damn acceptable.  I am anxious and excited to see what we are like by the end of 2014. But I will patiently wait...wait and see...calmly and serenely. Just like the good good girl I am:)

 

Happy New Year!!!!