Guy Friends

A lot of people believe that woman and men cannot be friends. Well that is bullshit. I have always had a very close guy friend (or two during) my married life and find them very deep and fulfilling friendships on many levels.

I won’t pretend that they are at all like female friend relationships..Completely different dynamics usually….as one is a guy and one is a girl. Unique and different and that is what makes it so special actually. Like comparing having a son and a daughter. Different. Automatically.

As one friend told me once who has a lot of close guy friends” the only difference is a female friend or male friend is the questions that lurks in the background-if you were not happy in your relationships would you be in a relationship with him?” But it is not a question to fear. It is just a question and a reality. It just”is”

 

But I have had very very successful guy friend relationships (and still do) that make me immensely happy and fills  part of me that are needed in my life and that only a male friend can fill.

For years in the earlier stages of my marriage (maybe up to 10 yrs.) this notion would have been inconceivable to me..for me to be close to another man that was not the husband of a BFF..or for my husband to be close to another woman who was not the wife of a BFF. But those thoughts were only there because of one reason: insecurity in myself and insecurity in the marriage. And jealousy. for me anyways that is how it was.

 

I have come to realize over the last 5-6 yrs that when you really love someone there is an act of “setting them free”. But in a non literal way-you are  not setting them free from your marriage or your closeness (no open marriages here!!!)…but setting them free mentally to do and feel in life what they need to feel at various points. Setting them free from what you believe is right..or easier..or safer ..or better for you and for them. Setting them free from your heavy hand of control on them that comes with all sorts of values and restrictions innately.

 

And am I at the “I set you free stage yet”? Fully? Half way there? No probably not and probably yes. Sometimes but not all the time. But the difference is now I understand it is important and I strive for this in my life whether I succeed or not. PS…I am much better at being set free than setting my partner freeJ)

Some people also believe that male female friendships are a temptation and dangerous territory. My question would then be “what are you afraid of? and if you have that feeling of betrayal inside of you it is just a matter of time before it will surface male friend or not.. I strongly believe this.

But over the years I have realized that to really have intimacy and authenticity in a relationship, friendship, marriage you have to be able to really accept that the person may need or want things that are different than you in order to become closer. Happiness is what likely you need to strive for as a couple but also as two individuals. When you truly love someone you want them to feel peace and happiness no matter what.

I have felt that in two of my important relationships over the past years…..where ultimately for the true love of those people….I have had to make peace with some things that did not make sense to me and that I felt I individually needed.  I had to come to terms with it which was extremely hard but then has had the effect of the relationships flourishing even more in other ways I would not expected on levels that were new to me and just as fulfilling. I got to get things I did not even know existed and that led to even more beautiful things.

So when I am friends with a guy it often feels a bit like this in some ways. It is unique-it is different..But I know from experience it enhances my marriage and does not take away from it. Ever. And no one on this earth will tell me otherwise. And if they do they have never allowed themselves or been “allowed” to be close to a person of the opposite sex that they let into their heart in a friend way rather than any type of sexual way.

 

It also comes from life experience too and wisdom and also stages of marriage. I have things in my life right now that are pushing me to my extreme limits when it comes to letting go of control. Control and the heavy boundaries that I am so used to relying on and setting are no longer available to me as a coping strategy. Life has made it so that I cannot do this anymore. And I see from this experience how much setting someone free……means all the more how they will want to come back to you..and be with you.

Setting someone free to me emotionally means that they will likely never want to leave you even for a minute in their mind, body and soul.

As a new guy friend I had lunch with yesterday so eloquently told me in his words about his fiancé and his love for her and her many relationships with men who are her close close friends “It is a part of her that I love her more for..Because it belongs to her and not to me…and it makes her happy. And her happiness and peace is what radiates her and makes her beautiful.

 

And whether that be a guy or a girl or a dog or a cat or a hobby that is what we need …I believe that true love is striving for this.And I can promise you that it is much easier to be given this freedom than to give it oneself. And that I am sure of.

Just love

In the last few weeks my family and I have received a lot of love. We have had a few things going on too personal to describe on this blog….but truly the love has been pouring in.

For me..for my husband and for my children. It is truly beautiful to know we are loved in this way. All all of us and not just one of us. A family affair really.

It’s amazing how text can make all the difference in a day-or a chat-or a coffee or a lunch or an activity even planned for ahead that can be looked forward too. I have some reservation around technology in the past-but it has been my savior lately. Just someone in the day texting to see how I am and to let me know thinking of us makes the world of a difference.

Sister Savvy has been my “How is your day today?” and late night chats or texts chats girl often before I sleep. I love our banter over text-it is so strong and emotional and funny and hilarious. I make myself laugh just reading these texts and the rawness of them. Sometimes we have two or three topics of conversation going on at once-one can be almost critical and life threatening and another one about milk and cookies. Love it. Love that girl. And her love for me and our family is so consistent and strong. I love that she has me us in her prayers and love that she tricked me into prayingL (and PS I love it!)

 

And Soul keeper has been my get together girl and cry or laugh or chat and give advice to megirl. Activities planned for me, for the kids, for Hubby. Encompassing the needs of each individual and the whole family. There and unconditionally loving me and showing me how to grow and change and be..And fall and fail and show me that that is ok. Letting me vent about things whatever they are and assuring me that anything and everything is ok to say without judgment. Providing me the tough love and what I need to hear vs what I may want to hear. Being there for many texts and late night chats too-checking up on me.

And my Mom. My Mommy. Just being there for us and loving us and spending time with us. Going into Jacuzzis with a colds face, massages for each kids during the whole movie, getting our cars towed (lots of towing!) watching out for kids, watching out for me..Cottage crazy but amazing weekend..Being supportive and realistic. My Mama Bear.

 

And Childhood Wonder with sweet texts and being there for me and our long lunch planned this week over Indian. Lots of offers for chats that I can’t take her up on as different waking and sleeping schedules but sweet offers for sure. Same with the Chiffons how have been there and supported and made such a difference for us and lots of offers to chat just opposite schedule but appreciate all the nice texts. These wonderful friends and family make all the difference. And Caro 6 and bother and sister in law…..knowing they are thinking of us….and means so much.

 

And then two friends who are my “item girls” and making sure it all just works out. Helmets at home, dirty magazines (tee hee) words of reassurance, lunches, signs of hope for Trent, and most of all a cheesecake that will be made with love. That cheesecake is really symbolic for me.

 

And all of these people the best gift they have given me is..freedom to express myself-and be negative and be positive. That they trust be enough to give me tough love too-and not just treat me with white gloves. That they trust me enough and care about me enough to want the absolute  best outcome for me and my family. Their love and trust is making all the difference at a hard time.

And the best outcome is what I am striving for. It is my laser focus right now

 

And my ability to confide and explore and be honest is shocking me. It is true “V”! and I am patient and serene (focus 2014) so far anyways. And their love is making me feel…well like ..that we have a village…a village we have worked so hard to create through love and devotion and getting it wrong and getting it right…and feedback and care and giving and receiving. Our village is there. There for us and we are there for them. We built it with them all.

 

A village is good. I recommend it to everyone. Like oxygen. I  love that my kids seeing and experiencing this village. I love them seeing Love in Action

 

PS-a comment on Chase totally unrelated. It’s like this year age 16 everything we have ever taught him is seeping in. I see who he is as a man and not a little boy.

He writes me texts like:

“Be strong Mom!

“I am so proud of you Mom!”

He said last night and again today that he does not appreciate his new tutor as she “does easy stuff and easy stuff although easy is not the right way. Hard stuff and pushing someone like me who wants the easy way is what is required and what is better” OMG!!!

 

And then he says things about the way that people listen to problems. And he says “they have to ADAPT to the person talking..You can’t just listen it is useless….ADAPT to the reaction and give direction and provide some good thoughts

I love love love this child. And I love the man he is quickly becoming. If I didn’t know any better he would probably be my best friendJ

(Nope. Don’t worry. I have enough great friends and I know that kids are not best friends they are your kids)

 

 

Landmarks

 

I remember in Turks and Caicos there was a day that my Protector and I set out on a long walk. Across the entire Island really. We had our water bottle and sunglasses and hat and sun protection. What we did not expect was the big storm that hit mid-way. It was really hard to keep walking back with the wind slapping us in the face and the rain pellets soaking us.

We kept walking and walking and walking and walking. At one point I started to complain and whine “are we there yet?” no matter how much I wanted to shut up…I could not keep the end in mind. It all just seemed too far away. Plus my back was totally hurting and I had to go to the bathroom. The last couple of miles….I was in a state.

At one point my Protector stopped walking and turned to me and told me something he had learned in a course that week…..

“Always have landmarks that keep you on track…that you feel proud when you reach.  Small accomplishments that you celebrate ” so look up ahead and see that pole not too far away on the beach with the flag? Say to yourself-I will make it to that pole. And then after that pole…then find another landmark like a buoy in the water and make it to that. After a while you will reach your destination.”

And so I did.

And so I am.

And just like that walk in Turks today in particular is a landmark for me of sorts. It’s a week later than the last time I looked and then it will be two and three and four.

Tiny steps that don’t feel tiny at all but that I know are leading us to the right place. Landmarks towards peace and happiness.

I think of my Protector today and I feel him with me on our walk on Turks. Striving  to see that next pole and flag and waiting until all the steps reach where we want to be….home.

Wanting and Needing

 

Last night Beauty slept in bed with me at the cottage. She had a bad cold and tossed and turned a good part of the night. In the morning I watched her sas she slept and woke ..slept and woke over an hours’ time. True to form as the dancer she is she stretched and stretched and stretched, Not the kind of stretching you and I would do-but a synchronized dance of muscles being used and stretched even though she was half asleep. She got her body ready for the day even thought she was sick. She realized what her body needs before the day became in in her sleep. She basically did a warm up in bed in her sleep-leg up in air and touching toes and almost the splits. I have never seen anything like it and learnt to much about my daughter.

 

At her ski competition yesterday my Mom came with us and commented that all the girl skiiers have the same build. All long and slim and muscular. I told her this was not coincidence-I think to do this sport you have to be mega in shape .I mean the girl with a cold trained Friday night until midnight on the slopes and competed all day Saturday. They need their bodies to be like this to be able to perform in that way.

And it got me thinking about want vs need. I have realised that in my life the best moments arise through the two being combined: I want to make cake pops with my daughter and I need to because she needs to learn to bake. I want to sit with my son and show him how to chop wood and he needs to learn to help with the fire. I want to call a BFF who’s grandmothers is in the hospital and  sick and I need to because she is hurting and needs me.

These are synchronicities. They are perfect.

 

But what about the things I need to do but do not want to? I need to exercise more but I would rather sit here writing this blog. I need to call a long lost aunt on her birthday but I don’t have any desire too-and pure obligation. I want to say here all day at the cottage but I need to get home early as there is a huge unexpected storm.

These ones hurt. Sometimes bad.

 

And then there is the wanting but not needing. I want to have a massage but I had one last week and don’t need one. I want to call my friend and talk on the phone but I need to shovel my car from under the snow. I want to talk my husband and tell him about the storm but I know right now that is not needed.

 

As I saw my daughter stretch in bed today unconsciously I realize how in tune whose is with her body’s needs. Her wants and needs are matched? Are mine?

And then being on the receiving end of something-it feels so much better when the person giving wants to vs needs too. That special birthday card or call you were not expecting-a late night text chat that makes you both feel good and almost pee your pants from laughing so hard, the neighbor who offers to watch you drive up the hill to make sure your car will make it. The friend who takes the kids skis back home. Not because they need to or feel obligated, but because they truly want to help you because it helps you..and it helps them feel good about their live and worth too.

And asking for help can be hard and receiving it even harder until you realize that it is a want and need for both parties. People want to be needed. You need to be wanted.

Again life’s most perfect synchronicity at play without any energy or thinking involved.

Over these few weeks I am keenly aware of my wants and needs perhaps for maybe the first time in my life. I feel like I am on a massive exploration and have no idea what I will find

Today is His Birthday

 

Really happy times

 

Daddy loves his girl:)

 

Today belongs to him in every way. We celebrated this morning with cinnamon buns and chocolate croissants before the kids went off to school.

I have a feeling this will be one of the most memorable birthdays my Protector will ever have.

We met almost 20 yrs. ago when he was 34 and I was 22 and now he is 54…..time passes. So many beautiful things to remember between then and now. And so many more to come.

Here are 54 things that put a smile on my lips when I think about my Guy over the years:

 

1-Him running into the bank when I passed out and saying “Pookie Bear! Pookie Bear!”

2-Him lying about that the hotel in Quebec got confused and only had one room on our second date.

3-The toilet in the hotel room on our second dateJ

4-How much he loved his Lockhart house

5-How he stopped smoking overnight for me

6-How he told me on our second date that if we got married he wanted me to be a stay at home mom. Ya right!!!!

7-How he was never sure he wanted kids but ended up being the best father alive (as in truly the BEST father alive!!)

8-Him dancing naked in front of windowsJ)

9-Him throwing down maps in frustration in Italy

10-Him saying “ok bonjour” to his Dad on the phone

11-His love of LDF and devotion to our old family cottage

12-The way he loved my white dress on our first date and told me

13-the way he said he would never marry an “English girl”

14-The gold Acura. God the guy has good taste and class

15-the fact that he was the top notarial student in Quebec in his graduating year and did not tell me until a few years ago!

16-the fact that he had a successful law practice and still does as of the age of 20!

17-The fact that he agreed to leave Lockhart and build our own home with me

18-Crying in empty Lancaster living rooms

19-Remebering the shock, joy, happiness and fear in his face when I announced I was pregnant with Chase

20-The moment he held our first son. I can remember every expression, ever word-it counted as one of the best moments of my life

21- His never ending long wedding speech

22-The way he immediately took to being a Dad and mastered it in what seemed like minutes

23-the way he buried all three umbilical cords at the old cottage near the old tree

24- The amount of shovelling snow he has done over a lifetime

25-Boca t-shirts

26 Cheap gray t-shirts

27-Pyjama pants after work

28-The day his second son was born and the expression on pure love on his face. The second moment I will never forget

29-Boats and tubing around and around and around

30-Chopping wood for fires

31- Always showing a strong interest in my work (even though he secretly wanted me to be a stay at home mom)

32-All our friends and family knowing that he is the most superior cook in the world

33-the big decision to move to Trent. Loving it after a while and now for forever

34-Obsessing about Bibeau Property

35-Obsessing about Vanasse property

36-Obsessing about Cartier property

37-His daughter being born and the look on his face and the sound of his voice when he called his Dad to tell him he had his little girl. The third moment of his life I will never ever forget.

38-Sharing our babies together and growing them into who they are today. Our babies –now teens -being by far the aspect that brings us the most close together.

39-His decorating style. His office is a palace and he did it all himself

40-the way he sat night after night in the hospital with his Dad as he died

41-The way he became the Uncle he was always meant to be

42-The friend he is to all our friends-the way he lets them in.

43-How he always signs his emails xoxoxoxoxo to my Mom

44-Him wrapping Chase over and over again in the green blanket like a little sausage

45-Smart property investments

46-Him jogging to the tip of the Turks Island to make a wish

47-Him obsessing about the kid’s acceptance to schools as much as me

48-All the homework help over the years

50-who he was-who is at this moment-who he will be

51-His courage

52-Love in Action

53-An example to his children

54-The way he looked at me earlier this week. The way his arm was strongly around my shoulders. The way he took my hand and held it tightly. The way he gave me everything he has to give. The way he has made my heart swell with pride. The man he is-the husband he is and the Father he is. Love in Action and not only words. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to the best Guy I know. The guy who walks the talk..sets and example for his children…takes such good care of his wife…and is always there for us.

Together. Yet separate.

Happy Birthday my Darling.

(pictures today wont upload!!! will put in another day-come back and see my handsome man)

 

 

 

 



A special and Bittersweet New Year 2013 bye bye

January 13 2014..a New Year Ahead

 

Changing Thoughts and Changing Directions

 

This week in particular I have been changing my frame of mind. For example I never thought I was a morning person but this week I told myself I have to be one and now I seem like I am. I took delight early this morning in watching the pink sky glimmer on the way to driving the boys and made a stop at gym early for a workout. It felt great and I will repeat this tomorrow just for the fun of it.

 

My husband always plays this really weird CD in the car when he drives the boys. It is “Perrus” of or something? Totally a Quebec French thing and usually as soon as I hear it I go crazy and want to turn it off. Today I and the boys played it and I laughed out loud at it! We were carpooling and had another kid in the car who is french too-I hope the CD is not offensive or pornographic or something. Since in Quebec French I really have no clue. Oh well.

 

And then there is the garbage and recycling I have decided to be responsible for. It’s actually not that bad. I can’t say it is fun-but it is not that bad.

 

And today I decided I was a girl who took time to get ready in the morning and not shove my hair in a ponytail. I did nice makeup and eyes and did my hair nice. I put perfume on and a sparkly body lotion and really took time to look nice. I felt good all day and a really cute guy at work also told me I looked really nice with my dark hair (I interpreted that he meant I smelled good and looked sparkly of course )

 

And for some reason I thought that this week would be really hard..It is just one of those weeks but I find myself trying to add up all the small good things in a day and the sum of the makes this week more pleasant. Nice texts, a chicken soulvlaki, a kiss from my son, Downtown Abbey, a good magazine, a chat with a friend, loving my husband…a hot shower with cupcake body wash before bed. All the simple stuff.

 

And whenever I feel sadness I try and let it in and keep it there. And then change up my thoughts afterwards and not before. I think I am the most emotionally healthy right now I have ever been in my life. And I will grow even more-I can feel it. The space I am in right now is very very healthy and it keep going upwards. I am on fire.

 

 

I so deserve this-I have worked so hard. The fruits of years and years of labor are possibly coming to me?

 

And I can unblock toilets too

And I know how to salt a driveway

And I heat up lots of ordered meals. Really deliciously too.

(Hubby away for a bit for training for work)

 

I am becoming so “V” ..that “V” might want to become “T” soonJ

Anyway there are also a lot of big subjects I am changing my thoughts on. And that I have changed my thoughts on. And it makes a difference to change thoughts. I am so into the whole cognitive behavior method it is not even funny.

If I had a religion it would be CB (cognitive behavior among other things). I mean my Buddha is great and all but each time I go to try and pray to him I think to myself “I don’t need him..I need ME! But thank Buddha for reminding me) You are  cool anyways.

 

So going home now and will gas the car…and put the ski rack on car….will shovel driveway and put out garbage. Will likely unblock a toilet or two and start all over tomorrow. I could think this sucks-or I can think this is an opportunity. To get my hands a little dirty, wash off and go to bed with my yummy sparkling lotion on ..and get over it. This is life and life is full of changing thoughts and behaviors. I am sure soon cleaning up the puke (literally) will be coming me way.

 

I can either scream and cry and stomp my feet and never stop-or I can work on framing things in exactly the direction I need to move in.

Last night I went to bed in a panic and a sweat and told myself that in daylight I would be ok.

 

Guess what? I am.

 

I will never be the mouse in the maze saying “Who moved my cheese”. Because although I also love and cling to my old cheese-I am fully ready to take on new cheese too.

 

It’s time girl.

 

 

 

 

A Commune?

I am thinking that I should make our family a commune.

Yup as I write it I realize I am going to do it-it’s brilliant.

As you know I have a history of changing chores and allowance and the way we do this about three times a year. If there was a center for people with an obsession with this I would be there. My husband often comments that instead of writing about it so much and planning it why don’t I just friggin clean a toilet?

Good point. (I will deal with that in psychotherapy promise!!)

Anyways I realized that last night  if I was just really calm with the kids and said “lets’ all clean up together” as opposed to “please go clean up and tell me when you are done while I work on email”…there was a considerable change in attitude.

Shocking eh? (I suck in many parts of parenting. This is one)

Right now they get allowance according to responsibility and attitude and quality  of chores-after years of resisting this tying allowance to chores. I mean after all aren’t you part of the family and generally all pigs???

Anyways I digress.

From now on I will have a list of chores they are responsible for individually but at end of month a pot of money…(ok maybe not a pot but some money). The three kids will decide who gets how much!!!! Genius!!!!

This occurred to me when I have noticed that Beauty’s newly decorated room is soooo tidy and super organized but yet her towel in the bathroom is always on the floor-her clothes sometimes end up on counters in kirtchen. When I asked her about this she said “my brothers are too messy for me to care about family spaces”

 

Aha!

Commune. Yes. Won’t my husband be excited to see we have shifted chore strategies yet again???