Guy Friends

A lot of people believe that woman and men cannot be friends. Well that is bullshit. I have always had a very close guy friend (or two during) my married life and find them very deep and fulfilling friendships on many levels.

I won’t pretend that they are at all like female friend relationships..Completely different dynamics usually….as one is a guy and one is a girl. Unique and different and that is what makes it so special actually. Like comparing having a son and a daughter. Different. Automatically.

As one friend told me once who has a lot of close guy friends” the only difference is a female friend or male friend is the questions that lurks in the background-if you were not happy in your relationships would you be in a relationship with him?” But it is not a question to fear. It is just a question and a reality. It just”is”

 

But I have had very very successful guy friend relationships (and still do) that make me immensely happy and fills  part of me that are needed in my life and that only a male friend can fill.

For years in the earlier stages of my marriage (maybe up to 10 yrs.) this notion would have been inconceivable to me..for me to be close to another man that was not the husband of a BFF..or for my husband to be close to another woman who was not the wife of a BFF. But those thoughts were only there because of one reason: insecurity in myself and insecurity in the marriage. And jealousy. for me anyways that is how it was.

 

I have come to realize over the last 5-6 yrs that when you really love someone there is an act of “setting them free”. But in a non literal way-you are  not setting them free from your marriage or your closeness (no open marriages here!!!)…but setting them free mentally to do and feel in life what they need to feel at various points. Setting them free from what you believe is right..or easier..or safer ..or better for you and for them. Setting them free from your heavy hand of control on them that comes with all sorts of values and restrictions innately.

 

And am I at the “I set you free stage yet”? Fully? Half way there? No probably not and probably yes. Sometimes but not all the time. But the difference is now I understand it is important and I strive for this in my life whether I succeed or not. PS…I am much better at being set free than setting my partner freeJ)

Some people also believe that male female friendships are a temptation and dangerous territory. My question would then be “what are you afraid of? and if you have that feeling of betrayal inside of you it is just a matter of time before it will surface male friend or not.. I strongly believe this.

But over the years I have realized that to really have intimacy and authenticity in a relationship, friendship, marriage you have to be able to really accept that the person may need or want things that are different than you in order to become closer. Happiness is what likely you need to strive for as a couple but also as two individuals. When you truly love someone you want them to feel peace and happiness no matter what.

I have felt that in two of my important relationships over the past years…..where ultimately for the true love of those people….I have had to make peace with some things that did not make sense to me and that I felt I individually needed.  I had to come to terms with it which was extremely hard but then has had the effect of the relationships flourishing even more in other ways I would not expected on levels that were new to me and just as fulfilling. I got to get things I did not even know existed and that led to even more beautiful things.

So when I am friends with a guy it often feels a bit like this in some ways. It is unique-it is different..But I know from experience it enhances my marriage and does not take away from it. Ever. And no one on this earth will tell me otherwise. And if they do they have never allowed themselves or been “allowed” to be close to a person of the opposite sex that they let into their heart in a friend way rather than any type of sexual way.

 

It also comes from life experience too and wisdom and also stages of marriage. I have things in my life right now that are pushing me to my extreme limits when it comes to letting go of control. Control and the heavy boundaries that I am so used to relying on and setting are no longer available to me as a coping strategy. Life has made it so that I cannot do this anymore. And I see from this experience how much setting someone free……means all the more how they will want to come back to you..and be with you.

Setting someone free to me emotionally means that they will likely never want to leave you even for a minute in their mind, body and soul.

As a new guy friend I had lunch with yesterday so eloquently told me in his words about his fiancé and his love for her and her many relationships with men who are her close close friends “It is a part of her that I love her more for..Because it belongs to her and not to me…and it makes her happy. And her happiness and peace is what radiates her and makes her beautiful.

 

And whether that be a guy or a girl or a dog or a cat or a hobby that is what we need …I believe that true love is striving for this.And I can promise you that it is much easier to be given this freedom than to give it oneself. And that I am sure of.