Teens …and Doing Activities Partially

 

Two different subjects in one post.

First teens. It was time for us to get back to normal life this weekend and so we did. Saturday morning we took up two friends of the boys to ski both days at cottage. On Sunday they all got up at 6:15am and went to Beauty’s ski competition all day. We had a houseful of teens. And I don’t care what people say about teenagers…..so far I have had nothing but positive experiences from them-both from my own and from their friends. They are just truly lovely (so far). At 16 yrs old I think it is time to make that judgment call.

Maybe it’s because in our house we include teens? We all eat together-all cook together even when they have friends over we ask the friends to make the salad, set the table pack the car etc.. Maybe it’s because if they do normal teen stuff like the occasional swear word or fart we don’t really care..maybe it’s because our rules aren’t super strict at this age-we talk things through and figure out what  makes sense  and what does not….we are not stuck to our own beliefs as we were much more when they were younger? But so far it’s just really pleasant.

I mean sure there is the attitude and the nagging etc..but there always was so that is not new! But in general they and their friends are just sweethearts and very pleasant to be around. My daughter has a blast flirting with all of these older boys too-and this year they are noticing her a bit and flirting right back (OMG!) It’s pretty fun to watch it all play out. Brings me back to having two older brothers and all the endless possibilities right under my own roof.

Second subject: Committing to activities partially. Sister Savvy and I had this conversation the other day about hockey. Can it be committed to partially? It’s a tough one. We do it with ski team for Beauty. Last year was at about 75% commitment. This year 50% because of circumstance more than anything. Is it effective?

I really don’t know. I constantly go back and forth between do the pros out- weight the cons or does it cause more misery?

On the pro side-she loves skiing and becomes better and better at it each weekend. She has a lot of status being on ski team that she likes. She is always outside and active. We love watching her progress and perform, we love skiing with her. We love seeing her so passionate about something

On the con side. Even the 50% we do it we cannot stand getting up at 6:15am on weekends our only sleep and downtime so we resent it and it shows. We cannot stand socializing with other parents we don’t know on our weekends, it takes time away from precious family time that we could have a brunch or do an activity together etc.. She is not integrated at all on the team this years at 50%. The coaches are after her all the time to participate more. She resents us for not going 100% even though that was the agreement upfront.

It’s really hard. And we feel lame and so does she continually. But she still feels that it is better than nothing so we continue.

But ya the hockey thing never in a million years could we have done it. We stopped Bear his whole life and I am sure one day he will resent us for it. It is almost guaranteed. But parents have to put their limits up somewhere in life. Soooooooo many parents I speak to lately tell me the same thing: they have no relaxation time as a couple, as individuals and with their family. They run and run and run from one activity to another continuously. And there is no weekend..sometimes it is even more packed than they week.

Is this healthy? I doubt it. Does it benefit anyone? I doubt it.

And trust me I am part of this but not at all to the extent of many. One of the biggest reasons we have chosen the school and programs we have for our kids is that all the sports and dance take up 35% of the curriculum in the day. So they are getting to do things (like climb Kilimanjaro one day!) during school hours! They also do a lot of stuff outside of school but it is carefully weighed and selected against our schedules, eating dinners together and ensuring that most days of the week we get some quality family time or couple time together. The activities they do don’t take over our lives (except 50 % ski team) but in most case enhance it.

Anyways partial commitment is hard on many levels. I think the ideal is you either you commit –or you don’t..sort of like in marriage-you can’t commit half way.

But somehow I think no matter what  we chose our kids will be angry with us one day. Whether it be that we did not put them on the hockey team or whether it is that at lunch we don’t socialize with the other parents and try to find a quiet corner to eat by ourselves. Whether we put them on soccer teams or made them complete all their swimming levels. Whether we kept them from private dance lessons or made them go to camp so we got a two weeks break from them. Kids will always end up angry with their parents as that is just the way it goes. Easy targets.

But at least….we gave it thought and made deliberate decisions. At least they have some thinking and sense behind it. And even if they are partial…there is a reason for that too. And somehow in our minds..that is what made sense at that time under those circumstances.

 

 

House of Love

I was not  expecting it at all.

(those are the best little surprises).

How could it be? He has not been here all week?

Beauty came up to my bed to say goodbye and she said “You are Pookie Bear right?” And I said yes I am. So it wasn’t her who left it.

Chase is not here and slept over after a party last night

Bear left at 6:15am with a friend to ski for the school for the day. He was up until midnight alone last night house watching for me. Could he have done this for his Dad?

He Did.

And it touched me so much.

No so much the card and the gifts…as much as what this day means to me from this day forth. That from now on Valentines to me..and the kids …and him will be :

Love in Action

This has always remained one of my most important values …and something that I personally strive for my whole life. It is half of our family mission statement and will likely be the title of another book I write one day.

It is so much more important to me than hearts on the kitchen armoires (which we did not do this year) or Christmas elves (which we did). It replaces baking heart shaped cookies (which we did not) and leaving special treats on the fancy tablecloth (which we did) When you go through big things (which we are)..Suddenly small things are not as important (which they are not).

This might just well be my best valentine’s day ever. And that is strange because I sit here alone (yet again it seems and never ending).

One son went to a party last night and slept over. The other left for a ski day at school at 6:15am and I did not get to hug him as I was asleep. My daughter will receive a rose of course at school that her father arranged for her of course (through me!) and I get no credit (of course) Last night she says to me “He will make sure the rose gets there. He said that no matter where he or I in the world are-even in China..it will find it’s way to me” “and THAT Mommy…… is what makes Daddy so special” (and looks at me as in HE will always be my number 1”)

Of course he said that and of course he invented the whole rose idea and of course he made the rose get to you today. And of course I am dog poo poo my dear-but I get it!!!! And I accept it!!!!! And I welcome it! You are Daddy’s little girl and HE is your hero……..and I could not be happier for the two of you that you share this together. It is beautiful actually.

And last night-when literally my life was on the brink of total chaos…I went and babysat for Soulkeeper and her Hubby so they could go out for Valentines. And I got to be barfed on three times but her beautiful baby. And I was truly grateful because it just made me realize how much I love them all and that I can give even in very hard times. And that giving to others especially in your own hard times….lifts you up. And it did lift me up in spite of the smelly mess. It truly did.

And then my my Mom…….the worst it has ever been……so unwell right now for so so so long. I can’t even let myself think about it or my heart breaks. And what it does to her life…and our lives….and her spirit..and my anxiety at this already so freetful and unknown time. But somehow we are all pulling through……detachment with love is my gift…the one and only true love in action that can offer..the one I have never been capable of before now…..believing in her and her capability to get through this. Allowing my life to matter too. Loving her and respecting her enough to let her live her life as separate from my own yet indirectly connected. Together but separated.

And Chase-wow…party last night for a friend’s bay. 6 guys sleeping over at the friends house and I did not check in and nor did he. I did not confirm the parents were there…I did not ask too many questions. He is 16 now……yup..things are a changing. 16! And it will all be ok too…my love in action for him this valentines day..belief..understanding and trust. To live his own life..and to make mistakes along the way. To respect his process.

So tonight Daddy will come home. And like any other valentine’s day in the past and the future it will be a family affair..and open to whoever wants to be there with no obligation. There will be no stickie hearts or valentines day’s cookies. There will be homemade dumplings with peanut sauce and a Thai noodle vegetable medley. There will be fudge and lemonade. And my new heart candles in the middle of the table. We won’t sit in the dining room like we usually do- we will sit in the kitchen. We won’t go out to dinner this year-we will stay in.

And you know what? I bet all five of us will be there tonight together. That’s just how it ends up in this family. We all just somehow end up wanting to be there..together . No matter what and when and who has what and who does not.

And finally me on this Valentine’s day. ME. Who am I? Where did I go? Who did I become? It may be the first Valentine’s Day that I have ever really even thought about me at all.But despite it all…and all the questions ahead…I am here..and my heart and soul and mind are all working in sync…I am present..I am in the moment…and I am not just surviving but  will thrive eventually. As a very very smart professional said to me this week "Tarina peace is HARD work my dear...you have to climb and climb and climb and climb that ladder. The ladder that you can now see. You have to feel and feel and feel and feel and not speak. And you have to let it all out to find peace"

I CAN DO THIS. And I will. Just watch me.

And when I do……when I get through all of this…..I know I will be totally qualified to stand up on that stage one day…

And teach the world how to do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Don't Quit

 A very long time ago-5 yrs ago when Chase was in Grade 6 he and his total best buddy at the time had a HUGE falling out and basically never spoke again. It was traumatic for all kids and parents involved. I remember those months of being some of the worst of our lives despite living issues much more serious than this before and after. His parents were involved..we were involved..they had a big gang of shared friends. Nightmare.

Which I both learnt a lot from and that also traumatized us all in some ways.

Anyways despite some reconciliation (as in they would be respectful and tolerate each other after that) they were never ever even close to friendly or interested in each other. Quite sad for two boys who were best buddies since grade 1 and did all sports together..Travelled together for 2 weeks with his parents etc. Damn sad.

And I decided (and I guess his mom agreed with me) that these boys would always always be respectful after what they both put us through and learn through this siutation. And so we decided to carpool twice a week in Sec 1..then in Sec 2..then in Sec3 ..now in sec 4.

And it is always totally silent. Really awkward. Really odd. Bu we do it. It’s a lesson on some level and we all know it.

And today…they spoke spoke and spoke after4 years of silence!. It was just so nice and a sign that respect is to be learned. And consequences are to be followed through on even if that takes 5 bloody years.

The other boy is leaving for Africa tomorrow!!! To climb Mount Kilimanjaro for 10 days!!!! To go on a safari for 7 days!!! Too teach sports in an African girl’s school for 7 days and donate all the sports equipment from the climb!!!! All with a program that Bear will be eligible for in two years if ever he could be selected!!!! I love this school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And this AMAZiNG accomplishment and passion of this other boy..touched my son today….and he shared in his excitement with him like old times. And they joked that Chase himself would never even be able to take the plane part…and that his ears hurt on a ski mountain..it was such a cute and funny conversation with so much comraderie..respect of difference..no judgment..pride and caring.

These boys will never be BFF’s again..ever. But it warmed my heart today that they persisted and we did too to get to this point. This point of humanity and kindness and empathy and admiration and trust. Of Good Will.

 

There was something about today that made me feel that I did good.

There is something about chase lately at 16 yrs old that makes me feel really really proud.

And even if there was no one around to pat me on the back or share this with it…meant something to me.

Persistence. One of the most important P’s.

Role Reversal

 

Yesterday was a strange day. It started off as one of their better of my life and turned out bizarre.

Quite simply I forgot the roast beef. And my husband hasn’t stop screaming at the kids and telling them to basically shut the fuck up.

It’s an interesting process to observe you see as  a) I never ever ever forget anything when we pack for the cottage (especially for the main meal) and b) my husband never ever ever screams at the kids and surely does not swear at them while doing so.

Normally –in the normal not bizarro world I am living in currently; He forgets the meat and I swear and scream at the kids while he sleeps.

So part of it delights me in a wired screwed up sort of way..and part of it scares me to death. It is much easier for me to rage myself than to watch the rage of others. It’s is going to be a learned skill I am guessing.

And my theory on forgetting the meat? I think it has to do with me joining the human race. You see on most levels when it comes to organization and planning and contributing to the pleasure of what is going on around me..in most cases I am impeccable.

I am not bragging as in many many many other ways I am a disaster. As in total. But when it comes to pacing right..not forgetting things, remembering important events, being in tune with important things around me,…. I am very good. As in very.

Well not anymore it seems as I got lazy..just for a second I seemed to relax and now…we have no roast beef for make fricassee. This is what happens when you let your guard down just a bit.

 

Oh ya and I forgot the gorundbeef for the chili too and threw out the rest of the yummy leftover sandwiches in the garbage. No wonder so many normal people who make it a habit to take life a bit more relaxed than I do get fired from jobs all over the place?! This state of mind is totally ineffective.

So I am know waiting for the man who screamed at the kids and basically called them little idiots (which is fine because they were acting that way) to figure out what he is going to do with this new feeling and reaction and how he is going to deal with.

All I tell you is that today…scared me to bits.  And it paradoxically also made me feel…that everything would be perfectly ok.

We could have had full weekend without proper dinners because I forgot the meat. We could have had a bunch of sulking , angry children and mad parents because they were called little idiots. Yes we could have.

But we didn’t. We went to the grocery store and re- brought what we needed (and now have doubles at home) and my husband sorted it out with the kids involved.

This morning at brunch my husband when around the table and did a “feeling inventory”.  We all had our feelings and our lack of them. And we all chose to express them or not express them. Mine was “irritated”. I find it irritating in and of itself that we even have to take time to do this when I have a kitchen to clean and a book to be read.

But we did it nonetheless and moved on with our day.

Things are changing around here. And for the first time in our lives…I am not the one doing the changing. And that……is even more shocking than forgetting the meat,

Stay tuned for more future fun!

TRUST ME.

I know what I am talking about.

Seriously with three kids now 16, 14 and 12 yrs I have lots of experience and have read a ton of books out there and coach and give workshops on this stuff all the time.

The only effective discipline for kids , teens and adults are natural and logical consequences.

So don’t waste your time with anything else. They all have benefits the timeouts, the charts the everything else. But not even a hundredth as effective as just letting life take its course. Trust me. I can save you yrs. of worry time and pain.

Take my son for example this week. Has been years and years and yrs. and yrs. that he is been in 3^rd percentile weight and height and doctor has prescribed a bottle of Ensure a day. Never listens. Even with my nagging, charts, threats anything. Gave up a long time ago. Skiiny minny he is. And he will be.

Well this week had a big health scare and he dropped 4 lbs in two weeks! Dr was ready to take some serious serious measures. For a variety of reasons including his weight she took him off his ADD drug Concerta too. He does not like this as Concerta helps him so much. He does not like that the doctor is scared about his weight either. No weightgain and no anxiety under control=no concerta anymore for this child.

So he decided to drink two Ensure a day and eat like a pig. This is a kid who can’t drink a sip of Ensure without puking. And no matter what we do he eats off a little saucer and only eats half. And now he eats and eats and eats and drinks and drinks and drinks ensure. Two days later two out of four pounds gained.

And Mommy did not save him. Mommy did not tell mean doctor that he needed Concerta  for one more day only as he had his semester finals. Mommy let him suffer this one out. Yup. I finally got it right. I sat back and let his life and his decisions play out right before his own eyes.

Life experience is the key. And pain and suffering are part of peace. It is the gate to happiness and peace and good decisions

Why could none have told me this when my kids were little??? Sure I have used this method naturally for many yrs as I read and read and understand it is the one. But it never came easy to me. It’s hard to watch people you love in pain and suffer. Couldn’t someone have told me that it is necessary though and essential to my child wellbeing? None ever told me that!

My husband took a course last week and learned of the four types of abuse (we both only thought there were three). They are physical, emotional. Sexual  and over protection. Over protection??? Really??? Yup!  Because over protection is apparently the result of the parent’s own anxiety and they put this on the kid.

And I can see that. For years the moms in the park who would interfere in every little spat their kids got into-made me cringe. The moms who would not let their kids on fieldtrips at the school because their kids could not handle it (what about the other 99% who could handle it talk about making your kid feel incapable!!) The Moms who would call the teacher and say their kid could not handle the school rules because too hard on their kid. The two moms a year in every class who won’t let their kids go to the overnight camp with the class because their kid cant sleepover somewhere without them? (more like the mom cant sleep without the kid!!)
My husband was one of these "not allowed to sleepover kids"..trust me did not turn out very dandy for his confidence . He is kinda mad at his parent lately (just a wee bit)

Get with the program parents!

Yup I can see that this is a really really scary way to raise a kid.  And it will have big big downfalls when the teen years show up.Parent’s need to let their kids experience and live life. The good the bad and the ugly. Hopefully we will all learn that before it is too late. (myself included as I am decent at this skill but need to master it now fully)

From numerous situations in my life lately (family, kids, friends,) I have realized that the only way people who are not naturally planner and proactive and strategic long terms thinkers pick themselves up and do the right thing……is to hit rock bottom in whatever that means to them.And when they realize that there is absolutely no other way than to figure out how to pick themselves off the ground and get their lives and problems sorted out then:

They will hit the ground running. And they will run so fast you will barely be able to keep up.

Life is truly the only teacher.

“Ensure and Boost” made me fully support this notion. It is now a fact in my books.

You can lead a horse to water…but you cannot make him drink. (Or not drink).

And that is my Friday thought.

 

The Simple Life

It has been years ongoing that my passwords at work have been “back tothebasics” “simplicity” or “easydoesit” There has always been a theme-of striving for something that is hard for me-hard for us. Knowing how important it is but not being able to get it right somehow.

Struggling to achieve something we need in our family but having not a bone in my body that can do this by instinct or innately. So year after year my passwords are often variation of this goal. And I do succeed at this in so many ways-I try and make our lives simple by not trying to climb the career ladder too much, being home for dinner a few times during week and taking nature walks. But still no matter what,  always have a backup plan, an extra 10 outfits to change into just in case, and an emergency exit wherever I go.

And our lives are always abundantly complex. Abundantly. And stressful. No matter how many goals and passwords I have and how much I try Peace and serenity are always very far from within our reach it seems. Some of these problems are “first world problems” and others lately have been big problems for real. Seems like lately we have the tasting dish and get to sample a bit of everything lucky us.

Like yesterday for example. My husband just damn well needed a break. He needed to be able to take a morning coffee and read a paragraph of the paper before he went to work. I was on way out the door as final semester exams for kids so driving them to school …and the phone rings. Alarm company that husband new office was broken into. Chaos ensures..panic..none of us can barely breathe. He runs out-kids are a mess for exams. A false alarm with a big big story behind it for another day…but stress stress stress stress on a day where all he needs is……a cup of warm coffee and a kiss.
 

And then last night a simple visit to the doctor for our son turns into a nightmare with a speeding heart rate…anxiety..an electrocardiogram..blood tests and the doctor taking him off concerta immediately. PS final exams were today. PSS-I am freaking out over what could be wrong with my son???

Some of my more first world problems include having my entire eyelid ripped off with wax and scarred. Yes nice job on the eybrows woman! Really really nice. If I am calling this a "minor detail" lately and barely give thought to the fact that I will likley look like a monster the rest of my life-I must do something very quickly about the  overall stress  level in my life I guess!

So we are hunkering down people. God I hate that word eh-it is the gayest around isn’t it? Almost makes me sick how silly it sounds..but today I like it. I am clearly desperate.

I am estimating that for the next 6 months to a year…and maybe for a lifetime if we stay smart enough, this family is focusing on the basics. Eating sleeping and getting up. Cleaning up. Nature . Walking, Reading. Writing. Simple meals and simple feelings. Hugs and cuddles and a chicken breast in between with breadcrumbs and beans. The big activity of the evening will be cleaning the table and taking a broom to the floor. Weekends will be snowshoeing and snowflakes on our tongues.

Restaurants, parties, get together, movies, TV, will be few and far between. Valentine’s Day maybe not celebrated and evenings will be spent by the fire. Friends will come over but will be simple for the next little while. Coffees and cakes .A big jug of grape juice will be in the center of our table nightly with a whole slew of ice cubes.

And these things will be the center and not the details. They will define us.

(I am not picturing a Christmas elf to fit in much into this. Christmas elves are just a whole other layer of complication)

We will cling tight to each other and the village around us and focus on breathing and simplicity. And we will fall into bed at night and sleep..and sleep and sleep. In the comfort that we are together. And before bed at night we will each write..yes we will eat write and drink some tea.

And big bad life will get in the way-that is certain. Alarms will keep ringing-break ins will happen….children of ours will have panic attacks and need counselling. Electrocardiograms will be had. Focus will be lost. Deadlines will need to be met and projects handed in. Promotions will be had and friends will be in need. We will worry for our loved ones. Medical tests will need to be waited out and worried for.

We will fall and we will get back up again. We won’t allow ourselves to be beaten (unless we have nervous breakdowns first)

But we will have learnt that nothing will ever be as important as just getting through the day with love and peace and happiness in some form, for a moment, an hour or a lifetime. And health is really all that matters. This year we will remember that.

My husband today was telling me of a friend of his that he spoke to this weekend (my friends Grace’s husband) that will guest post on my blog next week as her husband recently got back from rehabilitation and is in recovery for alcohol abuse. He told my husband of a letter he wrote and read in front of his group’s therapy….that he later burned outside in front of the group it as part of his recovery and new found sobriety

It was called “Adieu Conso” (translation is sweet expression for Goodbye Consummation)

And I thought of this man today..and his letter..and his goodbyes..and his hellos. The beginning for him of a whole new life and a full goodbye to the life he and his family had always known. The title of that letter played over and over and over in my mind for the last 24 hrs.

“Adieu Conso”. Something about the sound of it strikes me as beautiful.

And openness to world that did not exist for this man a month ago. A new and simple “hello”.

And makes me think of my family and us hunkering down. And..we will. And somehow this time I don’t think I will need my passwords or post it notes on the mirror to make sure I do.

I think finally..finally that my head and my heart are being connected together to some appropriate level. And are working in unison.

PS-I am so looking forward to writing a super boring blog soon has no worry, drama or excitement. Super super boring is my only  goal.

 

 

Birthday Bear

 

This 14 year old has always been my BearJ and he is the sweetest, kindest, smartest  handsomest  Bear anyone could ever hope for.

Today poor kid is in final semester exams on his birthday! Yuck! Thank God they finish today. He has two friends coming over afterschool to hang out and then a nice Italian restaurant tonight with our family-his two friends and Didi. We are all craving the best pizza and pasta ever. Yummy. And gosh his friends are so nice-why does everyone say that teenage boys are disasters??? they are wonderful!

 

 

Last night was a bit chaotic in our home but his sister made him homemade peanut butter cookies and brought one up to his room where he was studying with a cold glass of milk. It was such an unexpected gesture  and he was so happy. This morning candy poster with 14 packs of candies and 14 loonies and his basket of gifts. This year was all clothes mainly and money and he was very happy with that. And American Eagle cologne-three types..he loved that.

I am going to add up the two numbers of his bday (1+4=5) and write the 5 things of this year that stick out for me about our 14 yrs old boy.

1-He does not know how to keep a secret!!!!!!! I told him and only him the most embarrassing thing ever about myself and he told my Hubby who now wants to tell friends etc… BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2-The guy is crazy smart. I mean like crazy smart. As in today he said it was the two easiest exams. Who considers Science and Math in French private high school easy??? I was personally lost in grade one public English school…

3-He is sooooo sporty! Now third semester in a row wins prize of distinction in his sports program at school (you know the one that barely let him into because he was having his ruptured appendix removed that day) Nanny nanny pooo pppo to those silly people. Look at him now!  Best  athlete in all categories and best all around team spirit is required and this kid has it.. Glad you took him??????

 

4-He is such a kind kind kind son. And just an all-around loving person. And such a family guy. The other day at the table he said “that his worst fear would not being able to have babies with his wife one day” (because  family and children is such an important value to him) I adore this about him

5-That this year he has in many ways gotten his hot temper under control for the most part!!! He now often says things like”I am walking away from the situation” or “ I  will speak about this later when you and I are both calm” Yesterday when I started almost yelling when he unplugged my alarm clock and it broke and my aggravation started mounting….he decided to just walk out of the room. Works for me! He and I are communicating and fighting more fairly the last year. Bonus.

We love this boy to bits..and if we could clone him and give one of him away to everyone we would..but since we only have one of him we are playing for keeps.

Happy 14^th my darling!!