Two different subjects in one post.
First teens. It was time for us to get back to normal
life this weekend and so we did. Saturday morning we took up two friends of the
boys to ski both days at cottage. On Sunday they all got up at 6:15am and went
to Beauty’s ski competition all day. We had a houseful of teens. And I don’t care
what people say about teenagers…..so far I have had nothing but positive experiences
from them-both from my own and from their friends. They are just truly lovely
(so far). At 16 yrs old I think it is time to make that judgment call.
Maybe it’s because in our house we include teens? We all
eat together-all cook together even when they have friends over we ask the friends
to make the salad, set the table pack the car etc.. Maybe it’s because if they
do normal teen stuff like the occasional swear word or fart we don’t really
care..maybe it’s because our rules aren’t super strict at this age-we talk
things through and figure out what makes
sense and what does not….we are not
stuck to our own beliefs as we were much more when they were younger? But so
far it’s just really pleasant.
I mean sure there is the attitude and the nagging
etc..but there always was so that is not new! But in general they and their friends
are just sweethearts and very pleasant to be around. My daughter has a blast
flirting with all of these older boys too-and this year they are noticing her a
bit and flirting right back (OMG!) It’s pretty fun to watch it all play out.
Brings me back to having two older brothers and all the endless possibilities
right under my own roof.
Second subject: Committing to activities partially. Sister
Savvy and I had this conversation the other day about hockey. Can it be
committed to partially? It’s a tough one. We do it with ski team for Beauty.
Last year was at about 75% commitment. This year 50% because of circumstance more
than anything. Is it effective?
I really don’t know. I constantly go back and forth
between do the pros out- weight the cons or does it cause more misery?
On the pro side-she loves skiing and becomes better and
better at it each weekend. She has a lot of status being on ski team that she
likes. She is always outside and active. We love watching her progress and perform,
we love skiing with her. We love seeing her so passionate about something
On the con side. Even the 50% we do it we cannot stand
getting up at 6:15am on weekends our only sleep and downtime so we resent it
and it shows. We cannot stand socializing with other parents we don’t know on
our weekends, it takes time away from precious family time that we could have a
brunch or do an activity together etc.. She is not integrated at all on the
team this years at 50%. The coaches are after her all the time to participate
more. She resents us for not going 100% even though that was the agreement
upfront.
It’s really hard. And we feel lame and so does she continually.
But she still feels that it is better than nothing so we continue.
But ya the hockey thing never in a million years could we
have done it. We stopped Bear his whole life and I am sure one day he will
resent us for it. It is almost guaranteed. But parents have to put their limits
up somewhere in life. Soooooooo many parents I speak to lately tell me the same
thing: they have no relaxation time as a couple, as individuals and with their
family. They run and run and run from one activity to another continuously. And
there is no weekend..sometimes it is even more packed than they week.
Is this healthy? I doubt it. Does it benefit anyone? I doubt
it.
And trust me I am part of this but not at all to the
extent of many. One of the biggest reasons we have chosen the school and
programs we have for our kids is that all the sports and dance take up 35% of
the curriculum in the day. So they are getting to do things (like climb Kilimanjaro
one day!) during school hours! They also do a lot of stuff outside of school
but it is carefully weighed and selected against our schedules, eating dinners
together and ensuring that most days of the week we get some quality family
time or couple time together. The activities they do don’t take over our lives
(except 50 % ski team) but in most case enhance it.
Anyways partial commitment is hard on many levels. I
think the ideal is you either you commit –or you don’t..sort of like in
marriage-you can’t commit half way.
But somehow I think no matter what we chose our kids will be angry with us one
day. Whether it be that we did not put them on the hockey team or whether it is
that at lunch we don’t socialize with the other parents and try to find a quiet
corner to eat by ourselves. Whether we put them on soccer teams or made them
complete all their swimming levels. Whether we kept them from private dance
lessons or made them go to camp so we got a two weeks break from them. Kids
will always end up angry with their parents as that is just the way it goes.
Easy targets.
But at least….we gave it thought and made deliberate decisions.
At least they have some thinking and sense behind it. And even if they are partial…there
is a reason for that too. And somehow in our minds..that is what made sense at
that time under those circumstances.
