I was not
expecting it at all.
(those are the best
little surprises).
How could it be? He
has not been here all week?
Beauty came up to my
bed to say goodbye and she said “You are Pookie Bear right?” And I said yes I
am. So it wasn’t her who left it.
Chase is not here and
slept over after a party last night
Bear left at 6:15am
with a friend to ski for the school for the day. He was up until midnight alone
last night house watching for me. Could he have done this for his Dad?
He Did.
And it touched me so
much.
No so much the card
and the gifts…as much as what this day means to me from this day forth. That
from now on Valentines to me..and the kids …and him will be :
Love in Action
This has always
remained one of my most important values …and something that I personally
strive for my whole life. It is half of our family mission statement and will
likely be the title of another book I write one day.
It is so much more
important to me than hearts on the kitchen armoires (which we did not do this
year) or Christmas elves (which we did). It replaces baking heart shaped
cookies (which we did not) and leaving special treats on the fancy tablecloth
(which we did) When you go through big things (which we are)..Suddenly small
things are not as important (which they are not).
This might just well
be my best valentine’s day ever. And that is strange because I sit here alone
(yet again it seems and never ending).
One son went to a party last night and slept over. The other left for a ski day at school at 6:15am and I did not get to hug him as I was asleep. My daughter will receive a rose of course at school that her father arranged for her of course (through me!) and I get no credit (of course) Last night she says to me “He will make sure the rose gets there. He said that no matter where he or I in the world are-even in China..it will find it’s way to me” “and THAT Mommy…… is what makes Daddy so special” (and looks at me as in HE will always be my number 1”)
One son went to a party last night and slept over. The other left for a ski day at school at 6:15am and I did not get to hug him as I was asleep. My daughter will receive a rose of course at school that her father arranged for her of course (through me!) and I get no credit (of course) Last night she says to me “He will make sure the rose gets there. He said that no matter where he or I in the world are-even in China..it will find it’s way to me” “and THAT Mommy…… is what makes Daddy so special” (and looks at me as in HE will always be my number 1”)
Of course he said
that and of course he invented the whole rose idea and of course he made the
rose get to you today. And of course I am dog poo poo my dear-but I get it!!!!
And I accept it!!!!! And I welcome it! You are Daddy’s little girl and HE is
your hero……..and I could not be happier for the two of you that you share this
together. It is beautiful actually.
And last night-when
literally my life was on the brink of total chaos…I went and babysat for
Soulkeeper and her Hubby so they could go out for Valentines. And I got to be
barfed on three times but her beautiful baby. And I was truly grateful because
it just made me realize how much I love them all and that I can give even in
very hard times. And that giving to others especially in your own hard
times….lifts you up. And it did lift me up in spite of the smelly mess. It
truly did.
And then my my
Mom…….the worst it has ever been……so unwell right now for so so so long. I
can’t even let myself think about it or my heart breaks. And what it does to
her life…and our lives….and her spirit..and my anxiety at this already so freetful and unknown time. But somehow we are all
pulling through……detachment with love is my gift…the one and only true love in
action that can offer..the one I have never been capable of before
now…..believing in her and her capability to get through this. Allowing my life
to matter too. Loving her and respecting her enough to let her live her life as
separate from my own yet indirectly connected. Together but separated.
And Chase-wow…party
last night for a friend’s bay. 6 guys sleeping over at the friends house and I
did not check in and nor did he. I did not confirm the parents were there…I did
not ask too many questions. He is 16 now……yup..things are a changing. 16! And
it will all be ok too…my love in action for him this valentines
day..belief..understanding and trust. To live his own life..and to make
mistakes along the way. To respect his process.
So tonight Daddy will
come home. And like any other valentine’s day in the past and the future it
will be a family affair..and open to whoever wants to be there with no
obligation. There will be no stickie hearts or valentines day’s cookies. There
will be homemade dumplings with peanut sauce and a Thai noodle vegetable
medley. There will be fudge and lemonade. And my new heart candles in the
middle of the table. We won’t sit in the dining room like we usually do- we
will sit in the kitchen. We won’t go out to dinner this year-we will stay in.
And you know what? I
bet all five of us will be there tonight together. That’s just how it ends up
in this family. We all just somehow end up wanting to be there..together . No
matter what and when and who has what and who does not.
And finally me on
this Valentine’s day. ME. Who am I? Where did I go? Who did I become? It may be
the first Valentine’s Day that I have ever really even thought about me at
all.But despite it all…and all the questions ahead…I am here..and my heart and
soul and mind are all working in sync…I am present..I am in the moment…and I am
not just surviving but will thrive eventually. As a very very smart professional said to me this week "Tarina peace is HARD work my dear...you have to climb and climb and climb and climb that ladder. The ladder that you can now see. You have to feel and feel and feel and feel and not speak. And you have to let it all out to find peace"
I CAN DO THIS. And I
will. Just watch me.
And when I do……when I
get through all of this…..I know I will be totally qualified to stand up on
that stage one day…
And teach the
world how to do the same.
