Homechooling ,SAHM and Siblings

I am a very opinionated person when it comes to parenting. So are a lot of the authors that I read their parenting blogs. It’s kind of comes with the territory of having a family or parenting blog…the shyer wishy washy people out there somehow don’t seem to get their own blogs. If they do people don’t seem to read them.

About half of the parenting blogs I read agree with my parenting advice more or less. Another half completely different perspectives. I learn from all of them equally.

There was a few this week that struck me. One of them probably the most opinionated blog person on the planet (and that is ME saying that). Totally totally different than me-but I love reading her blog and her advice. In her mind SHE is right. About everything. We could not be more different. She has 6 kids..nursed all of them until two years old…slept with them in her bed except for naps until they were three…considers homeschooling them (but has not) and is a stay at home mom who adamantly believes that working outside the home when you have children is a strict no- no. She is also a strict catholic.

 

But I still relate to her. She is a Mommy first and foremost. So am I. I love the ways she tells people what to do. Love her direct style.

She also provides some very interesting research  (which like today depresses me a little) but she is nevertheless a good source of information and education.

On one of the blogs she linked hers up to the reader said many very respected studies show a strong strong correlation between a mother staying home and a child’s overall happiness over a lifetime..not childhood a lifetime! )The second indicator was happiness  in a lifetime goes up for the child with every sibling for them born.

 

Well the study on stay at home moms depressed me bc clearly I don’t stay at home. The sibling one..made me feel good although I wish in this case I would have gone for a forth. As they always say “harder on the parent but easier on the child” .Don’t I know it!!!!!! It’s hard to be the only child of my Mom (two half-brothers) No one to share my life with in this area.

But I was wondering did this study take into account the moms who would go Crazy if they stayed at home with their kids???????????? I mean at this age where they are at as pre-teen and teens I could easily do it. Would actually be fun! But with little kids (not babies)…is it that much fun? Not for me it isn’t. I would be bald because I would pull my hair out.

 

But as teens could do it for real. My daughter has had so many doctor apts and events lately that she has to miss school for that it almost feels she is homeschooled and I am not working (ok slight exaggeration as I have maybe missed 4 hrs. a week and so has she) but since my brain thinks so much about her  Feels like my other 60 hrs Of “real work” don’t countJ))

Today I thought…I love being with my teens so much I could so much not work! (ps that would last a week) Does thinking about being a stay at home mom count for anything in terms of my kid’s satisfaction in life or do I actually have to do something about it?

Anyways I love learning. I love being criticized as much as I like being supported on my blog. I love leaving supportive comments for other blogger as much as I love leaving the “WTF???” ones.

It’s all good. As long as I learn every day. And do something with my learning.Put it somehow into action. Even when it depresses me.

 

If you see me Preggo with twins, homeschooling.. And having lost my mind know that it is that study’s fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blame it on the Fish

After the major heat of our family breakdown session was subsiding our Protector asked the question? A very logical one:

“What happened to our family? What has changed?”

Bear, who had literally slipped through the radar for three hours while his brother and sister got screamed at, who sat crouched on the kitchen chair in a near fetal position..eyes diverted trying as hard as he could to disappear from the madness….says his first sentience all evening:

“Everything changed the day we got the fish. It’s the fish”

Beauty looks at him and says “yes I agree-it was Dec 17^th..it all changed”

Chase said “no it was when Mom started reading blogs and tons of parenting books ”

“No it was when Dad stared screaming at us a few months ago and disciplining us more

My Protector did not have a reason to attribute to all of this.

For me personally it was when our housekeeper of many years left last summer that everything  started going downhill.

All goes to show- as my Mom pointed out-the human mind wants a reason for chaos and pain. We seek to find something logical in our laced mass of suffering. A fish..a book …a dirtier toilet..Whatever will make sense works for us.

Poor Cotton Eye Joe got blamed for it this time. The next day we set out to clean out his mucky aquarium and set him in a new place in the family room. Pain is part of us. So is Joy. We will keep our fish and love him

Truth from the mouth of babes. If only it was a simple as blaming the last few months on a fish.

I do agree wholeheartiedly agree however that Dec 17 2013 is pretty much when it all changed. When we all changed. And we will never go back.

Nor do I estimate after all is said and done..will we ever want to.

 

As I lay in my final relaxation pose in yoga tonight-I realized back is not where I want to go. I will continue moving forward, chaos, madness, joy and pain all lovingly enveloping the lives we were meant to lead.

 

Namaste.

 

 

Keeping It Real

 

I feel like a hypocrite with my last two posts being about Joy and Flow.

Joy and Flow? One would not have said that looking at my family last night. Nope.

We had a family breakdown. Our first real one yet I would say. Hit family rock bottom. We had ordered in Kojax and literally none of us took a bite. We screamed, we cried, we pulled hair (ok.. I pulled my son’s hair three times). PS Screw you if you no longer want to read my book!

 

And this lasted 3.5 hrs. I kid you not. It was HORRIBLE.  And it was caused by pure pain. Each in our own way-each in our own prison. All coming together because it happened to be a Friday night that we were all home and had no idea what to do with ourselves to relax. Relax? Did we used to do that? How do you do that?

Anyways it was HELL. So much was not said, so much was said, and feelings came out, anger, sadness, pain, worry. I have never seen anything like it. I have never felt so much guilt ever.

I stayed up all night full of guilt, a huge headache and pain.

But you know what? It had to happen. Just like joy had to come one day..and my flow had to come. This had to happen too. And it will happen again.

It’s what is called a Family.

We heard the truth last night and so did the kids. We needed to talk about it.

And through it all-I felt like I had a true partner. We did this together. We created this big mess and we cleaned it up together too. We were equals in parenting. Equally flawed and equally successful.

Life this year is nothing at all like it was last year. One day I will have the guts to tell you why. In public.

 

We had our breakdown last night (and I mean BAD)…and this morning we had a group hug in bed.

So this morning as I read my usual blogs about chocolate chip cookies, and temples, and faces smiling into the camera…I wonder what happened at their table yesterday?

Was it perfect like the blog? Or did they lie? To us..and to themselves?

I am not a pretender.

 

This…is Family. This is Life. This is my Life. I choose to Share it with you.

Found My Flow

 

 

Today and tonight I feel completely and utterly blessed to be living the life I am living. And it has been a while that I have not felt this, so it is a warm and comforting feeling. I am welcoming it back with open arms.

And it was a tough and rough day like so many over the last months. We had our third major hospital visit for Beauty and it was overwhelming with information, talk about braces and efficacy, changing our minds and going for a hard core nighttime brace for bed and spinencor in the day, discussing potential surgeries in case she progresses. It was hard. And scary.

But I felt my “flow “come back. I felt ME come back. I was what I call “being in my flow” with it..organized..smart..educated…articulate..clear ..Concise in all of my questions and comments. Welcome back Flow..I have missed you for months now. Aww….

The nurse even asked me after if I was a doctor!!!

I left there less scared than I usually am. I only cried once in the office for 5 mins and was able to gain control over myself. I was able to discuss surgery without losing it completely and hyperventilating. I was mainly calm cool and collected. I actually had adrenaline pumping through my body…almost in positive away hearing about the Tethering cutting edge surgery that will revolutionize scoliosis one day. It is in its infancy stages but will someday allow patient’s spines to remain tethered vs fused and more flexible.

I appreciated the hunger in the young surgeons eyes as he discussed this new surgery. His aggressivity and passion impressed me. His bedside manner did not. He to me is a true surgeon. Cool, calculated. Direct. Passionate , Hungry, committed.

 

And tonight might be one of the most beautiful nights of my life so far. It is my daughter’s “We have your Back” party that I organized for the 10 girls.

I did this???

This is so so  beautiful. I can’t believe I am getting to experience this.

If Beauty did not have a curved spine I would not have organised this..I would not get to be part of this…these girls would not be talking about this stuff…

I would not have gotten to see them all with tears in their eyes when Beauty explained what it felt like at the “bracing moment” (the moment a girl gets a brace on and knows this is her new home for her body for three years..)

I would not have seen them put the brace on my daughter with such care-all huddled around her protecting and nurturing her

I would not have seen them fight for which three got to try on the brace and dance with it (or try too!)

I would not have heard their answers to my questions “How do you feel as her friends though this? How do you think Beauty feels? How do you think I as a parent feel? I loved all their beautiful thoughtful and honest answers.

I would not have gotten to see them play on the piano and sing all together in perfect unison.

I would not have seen dance after dance after dance. Their graceful lovely bodies swaying to the beats

I got to see the group hug the gave Didi after story time.

Or the way they all promised me that they would support my daughter no matter what.

I would not have seen the tears slide down the cheek when one girl got nervous trying on the brace and her telling me she loved me afterwards for giving her this experience to “try something hard”

 

Or when one of the girls after me giving a speech on how we should never hide what is different about us but show it off with pride to the world..admitting candidly to the group that she has ADHD and on medication and wanted now all her friends to know.

I got to see my daughter in her perfect splendor. At her very best and most vulnerable. I got to see how she is seen through their eyes

I got to see the impact I had on these girls. The impact my daughter has on them. I got to see them all change before me and record this night in their minds forever. I am not sure they have ever heard such honesty form an adult..i told it like it is. No sugar coating.

I got to teach them and coach them and preach to the to be proud of their bodies and differences and souls. I think I impacted their lives in a big big way tonight.

I felt the vibe of making a difference. For me..for them..for Beauty.

I saw them give her a totally unexpected and beautiful gi with the most beautiful card ever.

This. This evening. These moments..are what I live for. What we should all live for and strive for.

Not for perfection. Or perfect health. Or a perfectly straight spine.

THIS. HERE. NOW. THIS moment that I almost didn’t get to have. That she almost didn’t get too have.

That I almost wished away. For her..for me

 

I am welcoming life back into my heart. I am taking it all. Each beautiful precious wonderful thrilling scary moment of this journey that was given to us as a gift that we can unwrap one lovely moment at a time…if we can find it in our strength to do it.

And this journey that was given to us to live? We are going to make sure to live it to its fullest . Of that  I am  now sure.We are ready to take this on now and make it more beautiful than anyone could ever expect. We are going to move mountains this girl of mine and me. Together. Who would have known?

And “Embrace” it every beautiful and painful and heartbreaking step of the way. And take every moment of  lovely out of it until we have sucked that lovely dry. Crisis has a way of taking the lazy out of life. Has a way of waking us up pretty quickly out of complacency.

“When Man Plans-God Laughs”

,..and that is why we need to take the unexpected “curves” and twists of life and not only resist them but embrace them. Life never makes us any promises-we just pretend when things are going “well” that it is meant to stay that way. Especially for us. Bas things happen to other people right?

Trust me…it doesn’t  stay that way. Each day is different. And unique. Deal the hands you are dealt

With as much fucking grace as possible.

Only then..will you find your way back to joy and joy will find it’s way back to you.

Welcome back Tarina. Welcome back Me.

Let it all flow through me again.

I Choose Joy

Given to me by Soulkeeper as a constant reminder of mindfulness. We can always choose Joy

Me on vacation-finally feeling happy again. Best vacation. For both of us. It should be mandatory we both agreed that ever mom takes a girls only vacation every year!!!

soulmates on the beach. This was a reflection of every minute of every day. Happy, together and relaxed.

sideways but who the hell cares

Me. A new era? Being me no matter what the circumstances? Being in the moment? Not putting thoughts in the heads of those I love? holding everyone capable? Letting her body guide her perfect path? Acceptance? am I there yet.? I very possibly am.

Guilt..Gravol and Guts

A guest post from Soulkeeper!!!!!!!!




(scroll down for my parting blog)

I recently read a blog that really spoke to me as a woman and the many roles we juggle in our lives: wife, mother, breadwinner, daughter, sister, friend, cook, cleaning woman, household manager, driver, shopper, party organizer….the list could go on and on. It spoke to the voice that lives in side us all that sometimes whispers, groans, or nags “You should…. “.   “I should go to the gym”, “ I should call my sister”  “ I should turn off Dora and  read that Robert Munch story again to my 3 year old for the 10^th time this week”, “I should wash the kitchen floor”, “I should be planning dinner today so I am not scrambling to throw together freezer burnt peas and fish sticks at 6:00 tonight while my hungry kids are pestering me for snacks….It was so liberating to allow myself to imagine lifting the  “should” from my life and simply BE….present, in the moment, allowing myself the freedom to choose what I would like to do… guilt free.

However, I realize that there are times that those “shoulds” can actually be our guides, our inner compasses, our souls that hold greater wisdom than we ever could and are exactly what we need.

About a year and a half ago, while having lunch with one of my BFF’s  she excitedly suggested that we go on a girls trip to resort. At the time I was 8 months pregnant with my third child. Exhausted, sore and desperate for some rest (I also have two girls, four year old Ella and two year old Olivia).  I jumped at the idea but knew it was so far off, so  I filed it with all the other things  I plan to do when  I am out of baby making stage..

Finally the months and week passed and it  was one week before leaving. I didn’t even own a suitcase anymore and borrowed one from my mother in law! As the days went by I began to feel nervous, scared, sad anxious about leaving my 3 kids for 7 dodos…. It had nothing to do with leaving them with my capable husband….it felt unnatural to be so far away from them….thousands of miles away….I had all sorts of irrational thoughts…what if the plane crashed, what if Roman (20 months) choked on his sister’s marble? What if the kids were so sad without me? 

It was dramatic leaving the house in the wee hours of the morning…I got the gastro in the night (throwing up…it had done the rounds through my family that week and sure enough I was not spared! Hpw was I going to fly like this? Would they let me on the plane? After popping gravol and having my BFF’s hubby pick me up and put me in the car, I made it on the plane with BFF and passed out for the 4 hour flight. I woke up 20 minutes before landing.

The trip was nothing short of perfect. Perfect weather, food, and friendship. It was so restful, rejuvenating and it brought me back to a self I was before having kids…It was nice to reconnect to that self that was footloose and fancy free. What I discovered during this precious time, was that I was so thankful that I did what I felt I shouldn’t do because it was the best thing I ever did and I am actually sad the trip is over but look so forward to returning to my hubby and kids as a refreshed, rested and rejuvenated moma……what I want to be for them. What I realize is that we as women and mother’s feel so much guilt which is often at the detriment to ourselves, our marriages and our children….what we and our families need is a mother who can be the mother and wife that she wants to be because she makes her needs a priority.

Ps-since my kids are not old enough to be able to read this...I might as well admit I secretly want to stay here an extra 3 days (or more!)

What is Feels like to Accept What Is

Yes tonight is our last night. I had high hopes of posting a blog that was in my head with beautiful pics and memories and once again technology has aggravated and failed me.

If there is one thing I have learnt on this holiday is that I relax a lot more without a watch, a clock, a phone or a computer. Each time I attempt to use technology it ends up aggravating me. Tonight I called home and could not even hear the kids on facetime…my hubby and the kids all looked high on cocaine as far as I could see-not a great sign….:)

It has been so blissful. I have healed a lot. I have gained new perspective. I have come a long way. I think less and I feel more. I am still a bit in shock but I am more accepting. I am ready to live my life again.

A few lessons I have learnt this week:

Is it a tragedy or an inconvenience?

Think thoughts in your mind that you would not mind others hearing out loud

 

I am a Mom who my kids might think I am super busy doing things…but I am super busy feeling things (mainly about them)

I find when I compare myself to Soul keeper ….I fall short. I have rarely felt this inferior to anyone. It’s a weird feeling for a girl as high performing as myself. At least I am aware of it and can express it.

I have realized that the last few months have profoundly scared me. No longer do I trust that everything will be ok anymore. A heart attack..disease…bad stuff…is right around the corner. It has changed me to the core

I am a really fast reader and witter

I realize I am really really lovable despite all my faults.

 

I am strong

I can relax

My love for my husband runs much deeper than a big kiss on the lips. This year has changed us to really really deep way- in a different way. 18 yrs of soulmates.

I adore her. I nurture her. I love her with every fibre of my being. She is my Girl

I am part of her top nine. Forever.

I am proud of myself for being here..getting here…knowing what I needed and making it happen.

I am authentic

I may never be who I want to be exactly-but I am close enough to soon call it quits. To be satisfied and joyful. To be Me. And be true to that.

(I accept). I think. And if I don’t…I am on my way there. Even without a little necklace at the neckline

Goodbye Dominican Republic. You will stay in my heart forever.