This will be a Controversial Post

and......

 

Don’t I know it people! That’s what makes it fun to write (and read)

In the last two days I have bought beer at the depanneur.

Thursday night for me and the kids (non alcoholic beer) and Friday afternoon 2 Coors light alcoholic.

For my 16 yr old son

Back track: The non-alcoholic beer: I have been wondering about it lately and reading about it-so I bought one and tried it with the boys as a taste test. It passed! Smells just as lovely as real beer (love the smell of beer) and tasted as gross as a real beer (hate the actual taste of beer) and the aftertaste was really gross as in even when I brushed my teeth it still stayed gross. The kids and I had a blast with this.

Second…we have always been very open with our kids. Beyond any rule that we have or do not have-our center is open communication, honestly and building up our relationships vs tearing them down or having to have our kids need reasons to rebel or lie to us.by making certain things off limits. Respect for each other, open communication and honestly about the big stuff especially is important to us. Also trusting our kids and respecting them and their decisions.

So that’s why I bought two beers tonight for my 16.5 yrs. old and let him take them in a knapsack to a party.

He has been so upfront with us in the last three months specifically. Coming to me about advice about alcohol..Parties…discussing and deciding with me the parameters and rules..we decide these things together the three of us..we don’t come with preconceived ideas. And so far it is working really really well.

 

I know the whole alcohol drug things starts for many in grade 7 but in our school although it starts for some that early-for many it really begins in the last two years grade 10-11. And by 16 yrs. old I cannot seriously look my kid in the eye and tell him that he is not allowed to drink. Because he will. Because I did. Because my husband did. Because in moderation it is a learning experience. By 16 I was doing a lot …never drugs and never much more than one beer and pretending to drink all the other crap and behind trees spitting it out…but I even had a serious boyfriend and would sleep at his house buy 16.5!!!

Anyways….I loved the way my son approached me on this one. He explained that he is starting to occasionally be invited to go to house parties (this is second one) where there are drinking and drugs. And that he would personally like to drink 1-2 beers (and he admitted to me that he doesn’t really like beer and so would likely follow in my footsteps and spit most out). But that his fear was taking beer or any drink from anyone else as could be laced with drugs –too strong and not light as he would want it to with less alcohol content etc. I found this very reasonable and very responsible actually.

And very very confusing.

Over the last few weeks since Chase has been discussing this alcohol convertaions I have asked probably over a twenty people I know who have teens fully grown now what they did about parties in their house, drinking, parties at other houses etc. and I got so so so many varying answers. Some of this stuff I would never allow and some I thought were great ideas.All of these people I highly respect.

 I have been most strict so far about this stuff-seems a lot stricter than most of the people I asked advice from. And a little naïve too.I had a dinner last week with two of the moms of friends of my guy.I felt like I did when Chase was in grade 6 when I woke up and realized at the end of that year that for two years my sons friends had all been allowed to walk/bike home after school with their buddies and I made mine take the bus. He was behind and left behind.

I need to do things differently this time. With the first it is hard as it’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong.

Well after humming and hawing about it and asking lots of advice from colleagues –I finally bought two beers at the depanneur and gave them to my son. And now he is at that girls’ party and it is the first night that I feel like we are entering a whole new world for real.

Did I make the right decision or the wrong one? I truly don’t know. I went with my gut…and my husband’s gut and even mom’s gut. For this son-in this situation it felt right and real and good.

(Maybe after the party I will have a different perspective. Maybe he will too).

My guess is that he won’t even drink half of one. Might even have one in his bag when he comes home to save for later as he won’t believe I would ever possibly do this again.

All I know is that I felt good tonight about my relationship with my son and his with me. This kid would go to major bat for either of his Dad or me and loves us both fiercely. Could I ask for more? We must have done something right?

I am willing to take that chance on my kids. It’s against who I am to do otherwise. Again it may be wrong or it may be right-but it feels right for me to do it the way we do it. And again….knock on wood I have two full on teens now and one preteen and have had great experiences with them (so far!!!!!!!!) Teen- hood this far is likely my fave stage even though difficult. We give a lot of boundaries and education and lessen our rules and our hold. We check up on them here and there but not a lot…and trust their judgement most of the time.

So that is that. It’s a hard stage. We aren’t in control anymore as much as we were before. Our son’s whereabouts although we have a name and an address are shady. Maybe he arrived by foot, in a car ,,,on a scooter..just like I did at the same age. He is living his life and trying out things for fit. He is talking to us, respecting us, negotiating with us…being honest with us…and letting us into his life. I feel it is an honor. And he is setting a great example for our other two children on open communication.

So we shall see after this party tonight (ps it sucks having to stay up late like this on Friday nights and go pick up). Maybe I am crazy or maybe I am a genius. I am anxious to see! And I was very clear that I may have bought the beer but I am not the one drinking underage,. He is responsible for his actions and choices and the consequences if any.

PS-Just got a text from him. And it was nice ..and sweet and asking again my permission to drive home on the scooter of a friend who has one who has not had a sip of beer at all. And my answer was no. and he accepted that. We all have our limits. I am happy that I have been respectful enough of him to understand his needs and for him to be respectful enough of me to understand my limits.

I have always loved and continue to love this boy of mine more than life itself. It’s both wonderful and hard to watch him grow up and away from our little cocoon we have so lovingly built.

PSS-He just called again and asked us to come get him. I cant wait to get him home. Bye!

 

Simple Swedish Meatballs

 

Tonight we shook it up a bit. We did Family Night at Ikea. I was pretty much the only one who loved it. They all thought it was ok-I thought it was marvelous.

Firstly I love the food at Ikea. As in love it. For 50 dollars we all got a full meal and a dessert and drink and two big packs of cinnamon buns for the next two weekends! And I love the tray trollies too. Everyone else liked their meals too.Nothing beats that cranberry sauces and gravy. My cupcake however was made with rum icing and was pitiful. We passed it around for nibbles and all got a little tipsyJ

Then we split up and shopped, Guys for the basement furniture and Beauty and I for hampers, bedding, garbage cans and a bunch of other useless cheap stuff that I couldn’t resist buying-because it is Ikea afterall.

Was funny we never do stuff like this on weeknights. I almost felt sinful leaving work at 6:15pm to do this..I didn’t know why either!!!! It felt almost sneaky that I was shopping with my family until 9pm on a Tuesday night for some reason.

But the best part? Better than my meatballs? Was watching my daughter. She danced throughout the store (as she always does in every stores, place building or corner for the last three years) but tonight…for the time in 4 weeks…I did not even notice she was wearing her brace (like the other 22 hours per day)

Gosh this girl of mine if beautiful (if I do say so myself!) Untamed-wild beauty.

The brace is becoming the new normal! I think anyways! It’s becoming ok…I think. Watching her in front of me-it was like the doctor promised us-it will become part of her eventually. Could it be????

(wait until we get the night brace in two weeks then back to square one again for a bit)

Anyways tonight I felt so peaceful . Even just a little dose of this is good as so foreign for so long. I was so desperately happy and satisfied to just be our family of five at Ikea. All of us together. Together where we belong-eating meatballs and dancing around the store. Coming home and tucking all those precious teens in bed and cuddling up to my husband for our weekly episode of Parenthood.

Something felt right today-really right-among many wrong wrong days.

What you get to have when you go through a lot of shit…..is that not a lot feels like shit in comparison anymore. It’s hard to be irritable and stressed and worried and annoyed when you don’t have real shit to deal with. You get to have that comparison!

Things are looking up.

For the first time in a long while….I feel like I am lucky again.

Can We All have Normal Back Pretty Please?

Savvy and I had a good conversation on the phone a bit back about how sometimes in life we have to get used to “a new normal” I totally get it. I understand it. It makes sense to me. But I still hate it. I liked my old normal better. Who moved my cheese??

Well since then it literally feels like everyone close around me is also struggling to get used to their own versions of new normal too. So much has happened to me and around me in the early part of 2014. And the snow that we still have in April here….who even notices or cares? Least of everyone’s concerns around here.

Right now most people very close to be are going through some major crisis or life changes. One BFF is sitting in a hospital right now while they are doing a surgery on her husband for the second time in two weeks..another BFF is on her way to very likely say goodbye to her Nanny (who is like her mother) and have to make the tough decisions to possibility opt for palliative care…and other BFF is waiting for specialized blood tests to come back from the children’s hospital for her son who has not been feeling himself. Another text last night from my Uncle and Aunt that a beloved family member in their family is on his last days and they were making the trip down to say their goodbyes.  And the list goes on and on and on and on.

And everyone else close to me is also  struggling with big things too around me in general …concussions…illness….divorces….infertility …bullying….deciding to have a baby or not…hearing loss..getting used to a new brace, post traumatic concussion symptoms..Allergies to wheat....being sober….high blood pressure.

What is happening? I ask this to my husband all the time.

 

He says it is the way of the world and that the only reason that I am noticing it now is because I am in my forties. He is 12 yrs. older than me so for him this is all old hat.

He says in the 40’s parents of friends start getting sick..Our parents start facing health issues …people themselves in 40 and 50 start experiencing health problems.  And this is true for sure. We lost hubby;s Dad ..my Dad and my beloved Grampy all within I think 3 yrs.  Also most common age of divorce, illness, crisis. I guess also said also as kids get older their “natural” evolutions (health problems, curves of spine, high cholesterols etc…) start showing up as part of their genetic makeup as they make their way into their long term bodies and adulthood. Yuck.

Wow-people really know what they are talking about eh when they say to enjoy the carefree 20’s and 30’s!!!! And advise us  take every moment possible with young kids and babies! No wonder there are so many Moms opting to stay home full time.

Anyways today my thoughts are not for myself and my own crisisis. They are for the people I love around me struggling with their own crisis, my heart and prayers go out for health happiness and love. For all of you-from all of us. This weekend many of the closet people in my life are living their own versions of hell. I won’t write details as it is their stories to share not mine but know that I love you and care for you and have nothing but you in mind.

And even if the “new normal” is where we all have to go-somehow I want to find our way back to what used to be so simple.

But I know that we can’t. So here’s me doing the next best thing offering up my hand to hold yours so that together we walk in our new normal line

Love,

 

Lauren Kate

Conclusion of the Dream-Nightmare

 

The woman sweetly told the man the next day of her dream..how symbolic it was for her and how meaningful. She felt good to be so vulnerable and share the depths of her heart with him even if it was really hard for her and not in her comfort zone.

At first it looked like their might be tears coming to the corners of his eyes…it looked like he was profoundly touched and altered form this disclosure.

Then the wife realized the husband was beginning to laugh as he said “I know what that dream means!!!!”

 

And the wife says “What?” (feeling a little scared)

And he says “It was that husband running and running and running far away from his wife!”

Yes well ok that is another interpretation I guess. Thanks for sharing husband.

Dream Come True

It was a four hour never ending dream. Or nightmare maybe.

There was a man and a woman and they were on a trip. An exotic trip. They were married 18 yrs and having so much fun splashing on the beach.

And then the war started and people started shooting at them..an army of black African man in little straw skirts started shooting them with guns and bow and arrows.

Shooting everyone on the trip.

Everyone was dying off

The husband and wife were injured but kept getting away from the bad men. Until the bad men would find them again and shoot them down again.

The dream went on and on and on. Most of the dream was the two people lying on top of each other barely able to speak and bleeding and having now words and no voice..waiting and scared and shot. Knowing they could not move.

And then…they guard left his watch suddenly for 30 seconds and the husband noticed and he got up and said “this is my chance to escape” and he ran and ran and ran and ran deliberately and powerfully like Forrest Gump across the field and the jungle into the night. It was amazing and powerful.

But he did not take his wife. He did not even look back. He ran and ran and ran and ran.

But she was not sad the wife…she did not feel abandoned. She felt his strength. She felt him change and come alive. Come back to him. She knew he was not her Protector anymore. He was running for his children as fast as he could. Because someone has to get home to them and protect them. He thought he would make a good choice. He could see that now. He could understand that it was not only his wife who could go home to the children-it was him too.

And so she got up too and ran and ran and tried to follow him. He never looked back as there was no time to waste but she ran and ran and she caught up with him. And they were running alongside each other and partners running towards the same cause.

They found safety together. They got home to their children. He was not her Protector anymore because there was nothing to protect her from anymore. He was strong again. She did not need protection.

He gave her strength instead. That was what she needed.

They were both happy.

It wasn’t a nightmare anymore.

She was safe.

He had saved her by saving himself first

It was the best dream she ever had.

Homechooling ,SAHM and Siblings

I am a very opinionated person when it comes to parenting. So are a lot of the authors that I read their parenting blogs. It’s kind of comes with the territory of having a family or parenting blog…the shyer wishy washy people out there somehow don’t seem to get their own blogs. If they do people don’t seem to read them.

About half of the parenting blogs I read agree with my parenting advice more or less. Another half completely different perspectives. I learn from all of them equally.

There was a few this week that struck me. One of them probably the most opinionated blog person on the planet (and that is ME saying that). Totally totally different than me-but I love reading her blog and her advice. In her mind SHE is right. About everything. We could not be more different. She has 6 kids..nursed all of them until two years old…slept with them in her bed except for naps until they were three…considers homeschooling them (but has not) and is a stay at home mom who adamantly believes that working outside the home when you have children is a strict no- no. She is also a strict catholic.

 

But I still relate to her. She is a Mommy first and foremost. So am I. I love the ways she tells people what to do. Love her direct style.

She also provides some very interesting research  (which like today depresses me a little) but she is nevertheless a good source of information and education.

On one of the blogs she linked hers up to the reader said many very respected studies show a strong strong correlation between a mother staying home and a child’s overall happiness over a lifetime..not childhood a lifetime! )The second indicator was happiness  in a lifetime goes up for the child with every sibling for them born.

 

Well the study on stay at home moms depressed me bc clearly I don’t stay at home. The sibling one..made me feel good although I wish in this case I would have gone for a forth. As they always say “harder on the parent but easier on the child” .Don’t I know it!!!!!! It’s hard to be the only child of my Mom (two half-brothers) No one to share my life with in this area.

But I was wondering did this study take into account the moms who would go Crazy if they stayed at home with their kids???????????? I mean at this age where they are at as pre-teen and teens I could easily do it. Would actually be fun! But with little kids (not babies)…is it that much fun? Not for me it isn’t. I would be bald because I would pull my hair out.

 

But as teens could do it for real. My daughter has had so many doctor apts and events lately that she has to miss school for that it almost feels she is homeschooled and I am not working (ok slight exaggeration as I have maybe missed 4 hrs. a week and so has she) but since my brain thinks so much about her  Feels like my other 60 hrs Of “real work” don’t countJ))

Today I thought…I love being with my teens so much I could so much not work! (ps that would last a week) Does thinking about being a stay at home mom count for anything in terms of my kid’s satisfaction in life or do I actually have to do something about it?

Anyways I love learning. I love being criticized as much as I like being supported on my blog. I love leaving supportive comments for other blogger as much as I love leaving the “WTF???” ones.

It’s all good. As long as I learn every day. And do something with my learning.Put it somehow into action. Even when it depresses me.

 

If you see me Preggo with twins, homeschooling.. And having lost my mind know that it is that study’s fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blame it on the Fish

After the major heat of our family breakdown session was subsiding our Protector asked the question? A very logical one:

“What happened to our family? What has changed?”

Bear, who had literally slipped through the radar for three hours while his brother and sister got screamed at, who sat crouched on the kitchen chair in a near fetal position..eyes diverted trying as hard as he could to disappear from the madness….says his first sentience all evening:

“Everything changed the day we got the fish. It’s the fish”

Beauty looks at him and says “yes I agree-it was Dec 17^th..it all changed”

Chase said “no it was when Mom started reading blogs and tons of parenting books ”

“No it was when Dad stared screaming at us a few months ago and disciplining us more

My Protector did not have a reason to attribute to all of this.

For me personally it was when our housekeeper of many years left last summer that everything  started going downhill.

All goes to show- as my Mom pointed out-the human mind wants a reason for chaos and pain. We seek to find something logical in our laced mass of suffering. A fish..a book …a dirtier toilet..Whatever will make sense works for us.

Poor Cotton Eye Joe got blamed for it this time. The next day we set out to clean out his mucky aquarium and set him in a new place in the family room. Pain is part of us. So is Joy. We will keep our fish and love him

Truth from the mouth of babes. If only it was a simple as blaming the last few months on a fish.

I do agree wholeheartiedly agree however that Dec 17 2013 is pretty much when it all changed. When we all changed. And we will never go back.

Nor do I estimate after all is said and done..will we ever want to.

 

As I lay in my final relaxation pose in yoga tonight-I realized back is not where I want to go. I will continue moving forward, chaos, madness, joy and pain all lovingly enveloping the lives we were meant to lead.

 

Namaste.