and......
Don’t I know it people! That’s what makes it fun to write
(and read)
In the last two days I have bought beer at the depanneur.
Thursday night for me and the kids (non alcoholic beer)
and Friday afternoon 2 Coors light alcoholic.
For my
16 yr old son
Back track: The non-alcoholic beer: I have been wondering
about it lately and reading about it-so I bought one and tried it with the boys
as a taste test. It passed! Smells just as lovely as real beer (love the smell
of beer) and tasted as gross as a real beer (hate the actual taste of beer) and
the aftertaste was really gross as in even when I brushed my teeth it still
stayed gross. The kids and I had a blast with this.
Second…we have always been very open with our kids.
Beyond any rule that we have or do not have-our center is open communication,
honestly and building up our relationships vs tearing them down or having to
have our kids need reasons to rebel or lie to us.by making certain things off
limits. Respect for each other, open communication and honestly about the big
stuff especially is important to us. Also trusting our kids and respecting them
and their decisions.
So that’s why I bought two beers tonight for my 16.5 yrs.
old and let him take them in a knapsack to a party.
He has been so upfront with us in the last three months specifically.
Coming to me about advice about alcohol..Parties…discussing and deciding with
me the parameters and rules..we decide these things together the three of
us..we don’t come with preconceived ideas. And so far it is working really
really well.
I know the whole alcohol drug things starts for many in
grade 7 but in our school although it starts for some that early-for many it
really begins in the last two years grade 10-11. And by 16 yrs. old I cannot seriously
look my kid in the eye and tell him that he is not allowed to drink. Because he
will. Because I did. Because my husband did. Because in moderation it is a
learning experience. By 16 I was doing a lot …never drugs and never much more
than one beer and pretending to drink all the other crap and behind trees spitting
it out…but I even had a serious boyfriend and would sleep at his house buy
16.5!!!
Anyways….I loved the way my son approached me on this
one. He explained that he is starting to occasionally be invited to go to house
parties (this is second one) where there are drinking and drugs. And that he would
personally like to drink 1-2 beers (and he admitted to me that he doesn’t really
like beer and so would likely follow in my footsteps and spit most out). But
that his fear was taking beer or any drink from anyone else as could be laced
with drugs –too strong and not light as he would want it to with less alcohol content
etc. I found this very reasonable and very responsible actually.
And
very very confusing.
Over the last few weeks since Chase has been discussing
this alcohol convertaions I have asked probably over a twenty people I know who
have teens fully grown now what they did about parties in their house,
drinking, parties at other houses etc. and I got so so so many varying answers.
Some of this stuff I would never allow and some I thought were great ideas.All
of these people I highly respect.
I have been most strict so far about
this stuff-seems a lot stricter than most of the people I asked advice from. And a little naïve too.I had a dinner last week with two of the
moms of friends of my guy.I felt like I did when Chase was in grade 6 when I
woke up and realized at the end of that year that for two years my sons friends
had all been allowed to walk/bike home after school with their buddies and I
made mine take the bus. He was behind and left behind.
I need to do things differently this time. With the first
it is hard as it’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong.
Well after humming and hawing about it and asking lots of
advice from colleagues –I finally bought two beers at the depanneur and gave
them to my son. And now he is at that girls’ party and it is the first night
that I feel like we are entering a whole new world for real.
Did I make the right decision or the wrong one? I truly don’t
know. I went with my gut…and my husband’s gut and even mom’s gut. For this
son-in this situation it felt right and real and good.
(Maybe after the party I will have a different perspective.
Maybe he will too).
My guess is that he won’t even drink half of one. Might even
have one in his bag when he comes home to save for later as he won’t believe I
would ever possibly do this again.
All I know is that I felt good tonight about my
relationship with my son and his with me. This kid would go to major bat for either
of his Dad or me and loves us both fiercely. Could I ask for more? We must have
done something right?
I am willing to take that chance on my kids. It’s against
who I am to do otherwise. Again it may be wrong or it may be right-but it feels
right for me to do it the way we do it. And again….knock on wood I have two
full on teens now and one preteen and have had great experiences with them (so
far!!!!!!!!) Teen- hood this far is likely my fave stage even though difficult.
We give a lot of boundaries and education and lessen our rules and our hold. We
check up on them here and there but not a lot…and trust their judgement most of
the time.
So that is that. It’s a hard stage. We aren’t in control
anymore as much as we were before. Our son’s whereabouts although we have a name
and an address are shady. Maybe he arrived by foot, in a car ,,,on a scooter..just
like I did at the same age. He is living his life and trying out things for
fit. He is talking to us, respecting us, negotiating with us…being honest with
us…and letting us into his life. I feel
it is an honor. And he is setting a great example for our other two
children on open communication.
So we shall see after this party tonight (ps it sucks
having to stay up late like this on Friday nights and go pick up). Maybe I am
crazy or maybe I am a genius. I am anxious to see! And I was very clear that I
may have bought the beer but I am not the one drinking underage,. He is responsible
for his actions and choices and the consequences if any.
PS-Just got a text from him. And it was nice ..and sweet
and asking again my permission to drive home on the scooter of a friend who has
one who has not had a sip of beer at all. And my answer was no. and he accepted
that. We all have our limits. I am happy that I have been respectful enough of
him to understand his needs and for him to be respectful enough of me to understand
my limits.
I have always loved and continue to love this boy of mine
more than life itself. It’s both
wonderful and hard to watch him grow up and away from our little cocoon we have
so lovingly built.
PSS-He just called again and asked us to come get him. I
cant wait to get him home. Bye!
