Escalation is a Choice

(posts out of order as was away this week...scroll and read other two first)

In every course or certification, I take there is always one part that truly stands out for me and is almost life altering. Because when I agree with something and learn something new that resonates with me: I apply it with rigor to my life. It goes on the to do list. I am not always fully successful in applying it ... but by making a Conscious and Deliberate effort something always shifts and alters.

This Course was:

Always start small and escalate when you want to interfere in things you may not have business in. Or more importantly ... When you are angry start as small as you can and escalate only as things get worse and worse.

Don't pull out all the shots at the beginning be a) people will lose respect for you b) you show all your cards right away c) it is a very low thing to do by shouting or screaming what you wish to communicate and very hurtful to others and shows deep lack of respect

I thought about my own life and about two instances where by escalating right away vs sitting back and observing and getting curious; I messed it all up. (Many times I have done this on a lower level but two situations that I can really identify and stand out) One of Those situations Big Time .When you escalate too quickly you can't really recover.. But you can always choose to escalate to a higher level if you start low.

I also think of three very specific situations that have happened to me in my life with family or friends which I will never forget. They are with me forever .I has never recovered. All three situations have this is commen: the people involved escalated at the highest level right away as their way of dealing with the conflict presented. In all three situations I lost so much respect so immediately and  So quickly for the people involved and felt so devastated and treated unkindly ... I simply just did not engage.. I withdrew and pulled out (not normal for me ) I decided not to go further with the communication or conflict and just avoided the conflict and moved on wit the relationships . But something inside of me changed forever. And I hold grudges on these ones. (not a great way to deal with conflict but certainly better than the escalation route)

When I took the course this week I realize that the people involved started at their very highest level of escalation for situations that warranted almost for them to do nothing. They may have gotten all the satisfaction of letting it all out in  highly inappropriate ways ... But the image I had of their ability to handle conflict was severely affected because of it .

There is going to be conflict in life. It is inherent to any relationship.. Any business.. Any company. What this course taught me is that there are very different ways to handle conflict ... And some are way more effective than other ways.

Escalate slowly and surely before you pull out your cards. You know why? If you are always screaming and telling or being direct or critizing or judging? When what you want to Say really matters?

Nobody will be listening to you anymore !

Sleepy Cities

From my window in hotel:)

I love reading sister savvy (aka Gritty) posts when she travels and she talks about "Sleepy Cities " and the sun rising and how beautiful it is when you see this in a new place. Problem is that I can never get up that early !! By the time I am somewhere where a bit of downtime and relaxation is offered to me .. I somehow always choose to sleep longer .

And when on business trips ... The agenda is packed with breakfast meetings and early days . No time for sunrise!

However today I got to see a sleepy city and it was worth every moment of lost sleep .

My hotel in Miami is on a lagoon and my room looks out to the pool and lagoon. Gorgeous !!! Seriously !

Not only did I take it and see it .. I went down for a swim in it . I am so proud of myself that I can accomplish all of this and be ready for the day by  7:30 am

And after a very hectic and intensive day today which I had a headache a good part of ... I took a book and went down to the pool and cuddled up on a sofa and read. And it rained and rained on me so I moved over to another sofa under beautiful trees and it was so cozy. I adore warm rain (I detest cold rain ) I read my fiction book and almost fell asleep . They took an hour and met 3 girls form Holland and had some laughs. One had a tremendous stutter and at first felt so bad for her but by the end.. Just thought she was so beautiful and also brave.

And now tonight a quiet evening compared to the other two I had and in hotel in my pjs and ordered room service

Business travel can be great. And the older my kids get the more I like it . It has definite perks (beautiful hotels and places  ... Great free food  ... Room service  ...Pools etc ) but anyone who does it also know it is very hard too .

12-15 hrs days often. Breaks and lunches always with teams so very little alone time . Hard on personal schedule.. Packing and unpacking.. Affects weekends and family time big time

But overall ... I like it . More and more . And one day in more than 5 yrs I intend to have a career where I travel even  more and can take my hubby or a kid or my mom or a friend with me sometimes. It's a great way to see the world. I need to start working on my 5-10 yr. plan

But for now and until now, I have had no time to make the best use of busy business trips. No time to be able to tack on a weekend or take a vacation day. No energy to get up for sleepy cities early morning when all my energy has gone into simply surviving!! I have found that this is one of the first business trips ever where I feel freer and not as weighted down. Not in touch with the kids as much and not worrying. I know the fort is being well held down and everyone is content. My husband is texting them and driving them and attending all the school meetings and my mom is making healthy fish for dinner.

I feel like I can muster a little energy for those sleepy sunrises now and then

I have travelled with this company to many places. Switzerland many times... Portugal.. Mexico.. New York ... France ... Miami.. Boston ...

Many many many lovely offistes weeks in our own Montreal. But this one is the first one where I truly feel like I have space to appreciate the opportunity

In the course I am here for I am getting a certification to give one of the most complex workshops on High Performing teams there are. I am surrounded by my Latin American happy and friendly and loving colleagues here. I have honestly been touched and hugged and kissed as much by men and woman alike as I have in the last few days as I have in my lifetime ! Such a beautiful culture

And I sit here tonight with my portabello burger and beet and goat cheese salad and deep dish apple Carmel pie with cinnamon ice cream ( I tend to taste test a bit when I am not paying !) .. And realize how good my life is And how well I have run it I have been a great CEO of my life I feel proud that .I roll With the punches and orchestrate this life of mine with such precision and I am feeling the payoffs here in Miami.

And I am looking forward to its next chapter. And every day I feel more and more ready to be sitting at the head table . Now I am grooming myself to be ready ... For what I am really made to in this world.

“When the time is right”….  This motto  will always remain at the top of my list.

Stealing a day

(I have been on business in Miami all week so catching up and posting a number of blogs today)

Wow this day really feels like that . When in reality it isn't at all. I am taking a half day vacation! By myself! In Miami! In the hot gorgeous weather. Even a mere four hours feels like bliss here.

I feel like I have never really done anything like this before.. It's a bit outrageous. Normally when I travel for business.. I am business only. And certainly don't tack on days or half days of vacation as those are cherished to use with my family and precious. And it is sad too bc I go to beautiful places ..Far more beautiful than Miami ... And I barely see more than the meeting room, restaurant and the inside of the hotel.


But today I did it differently... And I love being by myself.. I never thought t I would.

Sure had to get up at. 3am to be here. And sure had to work in the hotel for a while to set the day. And sure will have only a few stolen hrs of beach ... As traffic will be mad to get back to hotel in time for dinner with my boss and colleague. And exhausted since up since 2 am this morning.

But it is so worth it these stolen hours. Sometimes just taking a break with me myself and I is just perfect as I splash in the waves and put my head under the water (who cares about my straightened hair at 2am hair for tonight anyways) ... I bought at book at airport and am laughing to myself reading it ... I produced a great project plan on my chair in the shade. I went to a cute Cuban Mexican on the boardwalk.

And for my last hour I intend to fall asleep in the shade after another beach dip. I took Some Selfies and just feel good Good to be here. Good to do the work I do which takes me to beautiful places and good to have recovered two such special emails this morning from the daycare woman who basically raised my kids under the age of five .. Who me we will have for dessert and coffee at home soon after 9yrs !

 Even the diet coke at lunch tastes especially good today. You see I have completely changed around my eating habits over last three weeks. Halfway there in terms of changes I want to make. And diet coke is only a couple of times a week now... So I sipped mine today in Miami with satisfaction.

I can't say I miss it that much ... But it still tasted good

And if I had any illusions that men would be noticing me today in my bikini they are now gone. Everyone here is 20 yrs. old and half naked. On the beach... At the cafés... In the shops . Perfect naked bodies around me in every corner.

Somehow my coral painted toes and black polka dot bikini with my lole coverup is plain Jane around here. And that is just totally fine. And PS two cute guys came to talk to me and chatted me but I was scared. Kept thinking of the movie “Taken” and being kidnapped. They seemed to have nothing to sell to me .. I wonder what they wanted! My luck they were probably escorts or pimps or something :)

So anyways today is a stolen day and it is heavenly. I am lying on the beach right now dreaming up ways to be infinitely rich ... I know I have some deep potential hidden in me tucked away to use  after 5 yrs and my kids out of high school.  Then I need to use it . Need to give my poor hubby a financial break and make some major money. I want to travel and buy surf boats and spend many days just like this one a beach. I want to be able to fly my kids and their families to far off places to be with me and indulge them when I no longer need to teach them that indulgence can make you spoiled. We can all dream right??

I don't want to have to feel guilt about a 35 dollar taxi ride each way and a 10 dollar umbrella and 20 dollar chair ( actually the umbrella was 15) I want to make it big one day ...I always have . And here sitting in heaven ...I am trying to dream up ways  of exactly how to do that .

And one day? I will do it

Watch me

I don't care about money for the sake of money  or things . I care about people places and experiences. And for what I want to do? And the people I want to take care of? I will need money . No money does not buy happiness..but if you already have happiness….it makes it easier to enjoy it with money (which I have none of lately at all!!!)

They are Package Deals

Chase..is a package deal

Bear ..is a package deal

Beauty is a package deal.

I read this expression the other day in a parenting book and it jumped out at me. Resonated with me a lot. The same book where I stole the term “collecting your child”. Love them both.

See tonight we have our usual Friday night. This one a bit different though. Not only does Bear have his girlfriend here…Chase also has the girl he likes here too. It’s a meet the parents BBQ (well one we already know well! And it was initiated by the kids. Miracle.

Beauty was supposed to bring a new friend too-but she (thanks god a “she!”) had to cancel.

But it’s odd I tell you. Fun. But still odd. Finding our place among all this novelty-figuring out how much alone time is ok and comfortable, them testing the limits. Us setting our barriers. Learning to live in a different environment. Watching our steps…not being too permissive or too strict. Finding our way with these growing teems. Asking lots of advice from friends who have been there or heading there soon.

 

But overall-if you know our kid-you know us. You can’t be close to them in this family without letting us get even a little close to you. It’s an impossible feat. We will be in your face, and ask you about your life, and be interested in you and get to know you. It’s what we do-and you are no exception. Get ready to be cherished if you are cherished by our kids.

Our kids are all inclusive. And as we collect them. We will collect you too. So get ready girls! And boys later on-(way way later on we hope).

Neufeld is an attachment parenting expert. Both highly regarded and highly critized. Many of his views world renound but some (lots!) very extreme “ Not having kids have peers more than a few minutes a weekend? No sleepovers? Co-sleeping breastfeeding past toddlerhood? Home-schooling? Certainly not for everyone-but I think many agree that holding onto your kids is a number one priority in life for those who want to stay close. And an absolute necessity in adolescence to strategize just how to hold on exactly as it is certainly not evident.

So yes I will allow my kids at 17.5 yrs to have a party at our place maybe, will even probably allow a bit of alcohol there at that age if I am honest. But I will also be behind the BBQ with my husband with aprons on (ok..ok..He will be in the apron on BBBQing-who am I kidding?). But I will be serving mocktails  with a really cute appropriate dress on with clunky flip-flops and a nice bracelet. And sure we won’t stay the evening and crash the party-we will head up to our room after a while and sneak with binoculars to look out the windows. But we will be involved any and every way we can I tell you. And will be mighty hard to get rid of  for those precious moments. We are involved. Yet we also respect their privacy.

Package deal

Holding on.

Tightly wrapped and tightly wound.

New territory and a little scary-but we can do this.

We will figure it all out soon this new land we live in

And once we figure out that land? We will collect them again and live in it together.

For now? It’s all a big puzzle.

A puzzle we are trying hard to get good at

 

We..Ourselves..and We.

Bit of a pity party below-beware. And I also aware I am not the only one!

Hubby and I have been pretty much alone in life on many levels.  But maybe that accounts for the fact that compared to many couples I know we are much closer and connected and spend more time together.

Besides my Mom who is very involved in our kids’ lives in many ways, we are pretty much solo.

My brothers and their families both live in the USA..Hubby's siblings are much older than he is with adult children…are close extended family lives in Ottawa of USA.

We lost three grandparents within 4 yrs. My Mom is the only grandparent alive! (Hope she is for a very long time as she is also very young) Thank goodness my mom lives 5 mins away and is very involved in the kids’ lives. She is a very active grandparent and also works at our home for us 2-3 days a week over the last many years. When the kids were younger however she lived further and did not work at our house so was less closely involved then and the circumstances were very different than they are now (I would say  now she is like a third parent in many ways and this is SUCH a blessing)

But. That being said we are still solo in lots of way.

No grandpas or father in laws to go fishing with or baseball games or to ask advice of. No Christmas at family homes except ours or people to lift boxes and help us move, I have always had a dream to organize a party for my mom for her bday with someone else but there is no one lse to organize it with. No one to share driving with. Or lots of ancestors to learn or to be taught by. Solo in many ways.

I remember as we brought our first newborn baby home from the hospital-it was in the Quebec ice storm and we had to shovel our way up the stairs and go out and get some milk at the grocery store. There was not a warm fire going and meals made and snow shoveled. Like many of my friends and colleagues would have come home to; with all four grandparents and brothers and sisters eagerly awaiting them and their bundle of joy. On our own. And always have been. Even our home was freezing!

And this also has some pluses too as we are very very close as a family of five. And Hubby and I have always partnered in parenting so are really bonded in this area too. And we will be very involved in our kids and grandkids lives forever for certain (I already stole the idea of “Grammy camps” from a blog I read and intend to start the minute one of my later adult kids has kids!)

So all of this came in my mind today as Beauty woke us up this morning as had a stomachache before school at 6:15am.

You see Thursday  is the one day a week we “sleep in” (aka get up at 7am and not 6am) It is the one day the kids take the bus alone and we love it and adore it as get to “lounge” in bed until 7am!

Well not today. Beauty wasn’t feeling good. And often this will happen on a Thursday that someone needs something or someone and although it is perfectly ok and more than ok and we are happy they need us…sometimes I wish we had a little help or relief.

We do all the driving and all the picking up. All the problem solving and all the work. Often we are physically and mentally exhausted.

(And lately harder to socialize for that last 2 yrs. for many various reasons-so even that part has lessened in some ways and made it all feel even more solo).

Most people I know have a lot of family surrounding them and they all share their kids and chores and moves and lives on a much more daily basis. The grandparents highly involved and the kid’s personal chauffeurs along with the parent. Or divorced families in situations where there are often 4 parents raising the kids and going to then games, and buying clothes and school supplies and so much more time alone as couple (and trust me I am not naïve from the 5 divorced couples I am referring too divorced there is a whole other  slew and set of problems and issues and obstacles that would be crazy for me not to recognize and crazier to be envious of divorce of course as so complex…but the above obstacle  is probably not one of their issues!!). Then lots of families I know who even live right beside their siblings on the same streets… Many of my collegues go to their parent's houses for dinner 3 days a week after work with their kids! And the blogs I read! Don’t even get me started! All 10 siblings flown in by the parents each year who host huge family reunions…..wow….nice..

So sometimes I get envious of some of this stuff. And this is my blog so I get to admit it.

We are so blessed. We are. But with the daily stuff it all falls on us and we don’t have anyone to share the load with. Or to help with their loads. And that I miss. I miss a lot. And it makes me sad.

And thank goodness my Mom is there for some weekends and trips we take. This saves our lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Getting to be alone once in a while is a religion for us. Our faith.

So today when I lost that one hour of sleep…..that I had been so looking forward to as it is the only hour of the week that I have it seems- I felt both guilty and sad. I wish that little hour did not have to be so precious and had carpools and caregivers and family all around me to drive their kids and them drive mine. I wish we did not have to count on that one hour as much as we do. And I wish I had a reunion at Bear Lake..Organized by someone other than me!

 

And that is it. Simple. Not particularily hard or bad. Not terrible. Just it is what it is. And sometimes I wish were different.

And then I got up and took care of my little girl and all the disappointment went away

On the positive side..sometimes doing it alone..Is also very empowering and special too.There is something about being the two of us-very strong and powerful and bonding. Romantic almost? That we literally weather all the storms together-alone –the two of us. And we get through. Successfully

And thankfully for us-Hubby and I have each other and really share the load, physically, mentally and spiritually. And that I am very very grateful for.

 

Where does your Energy go?

In my work both for the company I work for and the smaller coaching practice I run on my own, I have this discussion with so many people. What do you focus on? Where do you put your energy?

I have found a common thread through many successful and high performing individuals and that is: they know exactly where they energy and focus goes and it is a deliberate choice. And often the exceptionally high performing are additionally able to identify  what is important to them is also where their energy is being expended. Their values and behavior are very much in line with their actions

And when they are not-they feel less peaceful and not in sync in their lives. Out of balance. These people also know how to recover on a daily basis. What they need to do to sustain their energy over time (which is largely what the book I am contributing too is about)

I like working with these types of people. This is what really energizes me. I am lucky to be surrounded my many of these high performing people in any given day. I count myself as blessed for this. I truly work among geniuses. And I am not kidding. The cream of the crop in terms of brains are attracted to pharmeceuticals.

And then there are the people we meet every day who are not in sync with what is important to them and have no clue where their energy is going. The ones that seek out help are the smartest ones. The ones who don’t often burn out over time sadly as it is not sustainable in the long term.

And then there is my pet peeve which I have no tolerance for. Wanting your cake and eating it too (does this cliché even make sense?)The people who make a choice but then can’t live with the natural consequence of that choice. That really gets to me for some reason. If you are doing something deliberately and consciously; then accept the consequences of it.

If you are not watching your food intake and working out a lot you may not be Miss America no? If family is super important to you and you go home for lunch to eat with the kids daily-you may not be on the senior leadership team. If you volunteer all your time at the school baking cookies but don’t have time to host a day party for you kid-she might be upset. If you stay late at work aimlessly  until 8pm and miss most dinners-you may get a divorce. If you treat your friends less importantly than any other priority in your life-you may not keep many or you will piss off the ones you do keep. If you ignore your wife often-she may leave you for another man. If your don’t brush your hair you will have knots in it.  If you don’t call your Mom on her bday day-she may not like you as much as she likes your sister who is much more attentive to her.

 

So if you are going to focus in an area-be prepared to let others slide. Decide what is really important to you and go for it. Hopefully there are many things important to you-and go for  them all if you have space and enery.. Try to balance out the rest and at least be mediocre in most. And expect you might even suck in some areas-but be prepared for the repercussion of those choices.

But don’t whine and complain ok? That is just not high performing at all.

I have learnt so much working among very successful propel. People much more successful than I could ever hope to be. And I adore getting curious and finding the common threads between them.And wondering-how did they get exactly to where they are today?. It’s an amazing process to uncover and one that will lead one day to my own ultimate success.

For the moment I am happy to bask in the brilliant light of so many of my esteemed colleagues who above all have taught me…that performance and success is very rarely luck.

It is a deliberate choice-just like anything else in this world.

So make sure you know where your energy is going and most importantly ask yourself “is this the right place and the place I want and need to be?”

Four things I want to remember about Four people I love

As school starts again this week,  each one did something that warmed my heart or that I will remember. Small things but important to me nevertheless.

Beauty-coming in last night to my room so gently and asking me to rub her shoulders and put Volartin on her. So sweet and loving and beautiful. The beginning of many shoulder rubs for this dancing group A girl. Her big hugs to me after. Her waking up so early each morning (not a morning person!) no complaints to make time to straighten hair and groom for school. The girl impresses me with her dancer’s discipline. Also the way she is so organized and passionate and happy about high school. She is afraid of NOTHING.  I love the ways she texts me afterschool right on time with” ILY”

Bear: OMG! Decided to ride to school on bike today with bunch of friends. And back. Ok..school is damn FAR AWAY! Left house at 6:30am!!! Also has 3 hrs. of defi sport biking in curriculum today..Biking home and then has 2.5 hrs. Of competitive kayak. The kid is a MACHINE!!!! And then he will do lots of homework and put on two loads of laundry and be pleasant through dinner. And he has an amazing academic record and the teachers all happy he is in their class and tell him (lots of pressure on his siblings as it is always “Oh are you Bear’s sister or brother!!!!!”) His energy, passion and motivation just impress me to no end.

Chase; He was so darn sweet and cute this weekend. Kept smelling my hair as I used the same shampoo apparently as the girl he likes. He is 4 inches taller than me now so kinda hugs me and leans my head on his shoulderJ He is just so loving and kind and affectionate and I am so glad he has never lost this part of him through growing up. Tonight he is going to "the girl’s" house for dinner to meet the parents (his suggestion!) and once a week at school they have to wear the whole kit “uniform officielle” with shirt and tie and vest. I must be the only mother on earth who doesn’t like my kid in this outfit…a bit geeky even I findJ so I tell him-“make sure to bring shorts and a t-shirt to change into” –he agrees the whole shirt and tie thing-just not the first impressions he wants to make (I know a bit weird I just have never liked young  boys in suits and ties!!!-men are cute at work though in them once ina whileJ))

i alos told him to bring a toothbrush. What kinda mother am I???

My Protector: this week especially I have seen passion that has come through in two areas for him-and it makes me happy. Reading-like me now…he can’t seem to get enough of it. We read almost nightly together  and both always have a book going.  He used to be only an avid vacation reader but now like me a daily reader. Love this. And classical choir singing. He chose 4 very important choirs to audition for in next 7 days and one of them very famous. Good for him! Problem is this morning his jaw locked (second time in last year L(((He is auditioning tomorrow night for the most important one to him L(Very sad as he can barely eat-so singing can pose a serious challenge. I am confident it will all work out—it has too!!!! It is so rare he wants something like this. The universe needs to take care of My Guy..serioulsy universe give him a break ok???