Honestly -How Ridiculous!

We are taught in life not to judge..But sometimes you see things and  it seems impossible not too.(well I do anyways)

A lot about the blogging world just really humiliates me as a blogger. I love having a blog-but I honestly think blogging has a bad name for many good reasons. Many people in real life who I tell I have a blog roll their eyes-and I get it.

If I did not love writing so much or keeping a record of parenting-I would not have one..

First of all-do people sit in front of their computers all day and read 100 blogs and comment on 1000. Some blogs I read-within minutes of reading  a comment, and then a comment to a comment, and then a comment to a comment. OMG!

And then there is the whole “troll business” on three blogs I am reading right now are like “here is a troll visiting my blog and ruining my weekend!” someone else asked what a troll is and the answer was basically’ "a commenter who brings negativity to the blog (aka challenging you and your opinion!!!) OMG again.

It seems to me that most the blogs I read (with many exceptions) especially the blogs where it is hundreds of comments that all the bloggers are looking for is support and agreement. I think this is ridiculous. Don't pour out your heart and soul if you only  want this-or block your comments if you are not intending or wanting to hear people’s true opinions. I mean doesnt it get boring to read 500 comments of "way to go!!!!"

I love reading the blogs but the comments I read really get to me. So annoying most of the time. Sort of like snooping and reading my kids texts on phone-why do I do it? Aggravates me to see my kid so openly displayed like that and mostly such unnecessary anxiety it causes-so why can’t I stop?

One girl on a blog is getting married but her boyfriend broke up with her last year and she very publically declared and discussed the breakup over three months a few times a week on the blog. Now that they are back together and getting married of course many of her followers have asked about the break up and if she is scared will happen again. OF COURSE! Well she wrote an email the other day asking people to respectfully refrain from basically remembering the breakup! C’mon!

I find this narrow minded very naïve.

It is so unlike real life -it is crazy.

Life is not a box of chocolates. It is not all rainbows.

Why is it that so many bloggers are looking for support and safety on a blog forum from strangers? It is quite worrisome actually. Why have all your BFF’s on a blog? I just simply don’t get it. Get out into the real word and speak!

All that to say I don’t think I will ever belong fully to the blogging world.(clearly!!!) I like reading many of them…I like writing mine. If ever I open mine up to comments I would be expecting big debates all the time. This is the place internet troll people would be welcome

Surprisingly that I have kept this blog up so long….I actually paradoxically love it. It is a great outlet and creative space for me. Will also be the basis of future keynotes and books I write in the future (first book I contributed to manuscript going to the interested publisher next week!!!!!!!!)

But keep it real would you? And please stop bullying anybody who has a difference of opinion than you do on your blog. Literally when someone is said to be a “troll” another 500 comments about how unbelievable that troll is for challenging that person. “Poor you!” How upsetting!” Your whole week must be ruined now and I bet you can’t work!”

I am so glad I don’t partake in this and so glad I don’t comment  much on blogs (except my two buddies blogs!). This could honestly be a full time job-in the world of crazy. i would only do this if I needed to as a job and to direct attention to my blog for my career. Then I would be a huge commenter if that was what I was paid to do.

And you know who the crazy one is here: ME.

I should stop reading it all if so annoyed. But like a good shot of rum, a good cup of coffee or a  good TV series..Addictive (ps I hate rum and coffee but thought a good analogy)

To me the highest level of human development is accepting feedback, criticism and diversity. If a comment or two scares people I would like to see them face real life!!! These people would not do well in my job I tell you. We don't go around calling people trolls-we welcome a healthy debate and praise them for the out of the box thinking and diversity!

 

Waiting until Mondays

 

It used to be waiting for Spring or Fall. My family and friends make fun of me be if there is a task in summer or winter-I always say “I will do it in Fall”. It the way we function….more relaxation on weekends in the nicer seasons and fall and spring  are working seasons.

Now it is from weekends to Mondays. Not in terms of work around the house but in terms of when to have more difficult talks to discipline my kids.

You see up until now I could be caught reminding,  passing on my thinking, giving lessons (all of the above aka: nagging) to my kids every day of the week. Sometimes even every hour on a bad weekend. But with teens it is not very effective. New system needed.

Already with teens the good times are limited because a) they are always out b) they always have friends over c) they are studying all the time or at sports activities d) they are in crappy hormonal moods e) they are busy growing up and trying to differentiate themselves from you as the parents.

So those amazing joyous wonderful spontaneous carefree moments are limited. So when you find them? You don’t want to ruin them with a lesson or two.

Like today: I announced we were going to make chicken and tabouli for dinner with yo- man pasta and reeses peanut butter cup cupcakes (omg soooo good) and watch the Good Wife (at the cottage) and they jumped out and did a dance and a family hug be they liked the menu so much (my kids are foodies)

Well in the middle of the family hug and dance I see that Bear is texting his girlfriend at the same time! So I tell him that is unacceptable! I give him a lesson. Then he is angry so sort of  only semi half goes back to our dance after my commenting.

Well what a stupid thing for me to do? I mean c’mom woman (me!)

So I discussed with Hubby and we decided for all the minor things along the way to save for “Monday lists” (as if Monday is not bad enough now let’s start the week listing all the crap our kids have done all week)

So this will be a tough one for me. Holding it in and holding it back. But I know with all of my heart this is the right thing to do at this stage. I can as the parent notice things along the way and point them out but have a very specific period in general to discuss things more deeply. And keep more of my comments to myself in lots of instances too. This of course does not include major things or events..More the minor annoying stuff that deeply can grate on my nerves with three teens.

And trying to make our weekends as peaceful and fun as possible. It’s our  recovery time afteralll and where we all re-energize for the week ahead. The last few weekends the kids have noted that there was a lot of disagreeing and they have been right. A lot of issues have come up and have landed straight on our weekends. It has made them sad and I could feel it….and it made me sad to hear their feedback. But that is what I love about feedback: if you don’t get defensive about it can be the best gift and can catapult you in directions you would never have explored before. Always-whether they like or agree with what they are hearing or not!

These comments specifically made me realize: nagging left for Mondays as often as possible and weekends are to be cherished all the time and as peaceful as possible.

These kids are testing out my resilience lately I tell you. They all have big things going on. Seems like they have literally grown up overnight and the issues they are dealing with are foreign territory for me in lots of ways as the parent. I lived all these things at their ages, but now I need to provide guidance on them which is a whole other ballgame and it is damn hard.

But one thing I feel blessed on is when I am not teaching and nagging..my kids listen to me a lot and talk to me a lot too. When I get curious I am at my ultimate best self rather than have an opinion of my own necessarily. Friday for example my son confided something in me very casually I never thought possible. Did he just tell me THAT? OMG! So I remained calm and cool and collected and just heard him out. And threw in an opinion or two on a text the day after. But added this is my advice but we trust you and know you are responsible and know you will make the right decision for your life”.

Way to go woman! (Me)

So I am finding my way in this puzzle and hopefully not screwing it up too much along the way. Hopefully I have not messed them up too much already. And hopefully  waiting until my Monday lists will make more space for those amazing family dances and hugs (with girlfriends sandwiched in between virtually by text)

What an absolute honor to bring up teens. Annoying and exhausting as hell-but overall a big privilege. The finale it seems of tweaking who we are as human beings and how much we can put up with. In my opinion the ultimate test of a parent-surviving and thriving the teen years.

 

PS-I wrote this Saturday but did not post it until today. We had the most amazing day here yesterday… peaceful and fun and loving. Many little things that will go on my Monday’s list (reminder to not wipe chocolate hands on white towel, reminders that we don’t use iPad during family time, reminder that we don’t say shut up to our siblings etc.) but yesterday was just to be together and enjoy each other.

And forget for the moment that we are all imperfect and just bask in our togetherness as an imperfect family.

And  Hubby and I fought for this time together with our kids  this weekend. The last few weekends we are also missing one of two or three-everyone is so busy with their friends and girlfriends and sports and award nights. Last night we said “enough!” and one missed a party and one an award night. It was hard to choose-but we chose our family. It was an ongoing debate all week.

We have to fight for this time and protect it with our souls. For 16 yrs. Hubby and I have gone away alone for a trip once a year as a couple. Not this year. For 16 yrs. Hubby and I have ensured we have alone time at the cottage as a couple-not anymore-now we are fighting to have our family of five together. We know the time won’t last and we are going to get and fit as much as we humanly can while they are still ours.

Things have changed..and we are rolling with the punches.

 

The Back of Me

 

My front has always mattered so much more to me than the back.

It dates back to high school where I would work out at the gym and focus only on the parts of my body that I saw in the front mirror. I remember ChildhoodWonder saying to me” what about your back-shouldn’t you work those muscles too?” and I would say “who cares about the back!”

Now in adulthood it is my hair. I literally often can be found at work with knots in the back of my hair but the front being beautiful and styled and lovely. It’s pathetic.

I guess it is a time saver thing? Have to cut out something? I guess the back of me is my basket B? Or maybe even C? I mean what professional adult leaves the back of her hair in knots and never glances at the back of her? I guess that would be me?

Today I was sitting in the second row in a big company presentation and I received recognition for a project and had to stand up and actually thought “shit I wish people were seeing my front-it is so much better”

I like myself so much better in a bathing suit from the front. I like my boobs better than my ass. I like the front of my hair much better than the back (clearly). I like the way my clothes fit in the front better than the back or sideways.

This must all mean something in my life. Symbolize something big maybe?

I personally think it all has to do with brain space. I seem to have more right now than I have had for years and years based on things and issues I am shedding along the way of life. I have had others people backs for so long-now it is time to care about mine? I have to time to focus on different parts of myself than I did in other years?

 

(But actually I have no time. And less and less time. But I do make space for different things now. I don’t sweat the small stuff much anymore be I have had big things to deal with this year.Not much fazes me anymore I can honestly say. That’s the good part of dealing with bigger crappier stuff!

So I find myself lately starting to have my own back-in ways I never cared about before.

Feels a little backwards for me…but good nonetheless.

And I know it is the next stage of bringing me forward.-iwhich I guess is all part of my process

 

Why I don’t have a Dog (this year )

 

(Well or any year for the last 18 yrs actually).

Getting a dog has made it on (and off )my to do list systematically for many many years now. Especially since I have had kids.

So why don’t I fundamentally get a dog? There are many reasons: Here are few

I have no time for a dog

I have three kids. Isn’t that enough?

We take care of two homes and an office. Isn’t that enough?

My daughter has a brace and have enough daily maninternce with that

My kids would never be home to take care of it as they are always out

I don’t want to clean up pee and poo poo for a dog

I don’t want to spend my money on dog food or chemotherapy for a dog

We have two  big jobs. Isn’t that enough?

When I walk I don’t want to have to stop and have a dog smell other dogs

I love enough things and barely have enough time for them. Let me master loving the things I already have before I spred the love more to a dog?

Here are reasons I want a dog:

My daughter is dying and begging for one

It’s what families do: own pets

I feel alienated not owning a pet

I guess if someone else took care of it-it would be rather cute

True true honest reasons I can’t get a dog

I really don’t care about animals all that much

Dogs are nice and cute but I like kids and teens and humans way better

When other talk about their dogs more than 5 mins-I get really bored

I don’t consider when a dog gets sick or dies that it is like a family member ever getting sick or dying. Very different scenerios

I consider getting a dog one more thing on a to do list of life.

When people get new dogs and show me –it is kinda similar to me as them getting a new haircut ort a new couch (interesting enough) but not that exciting

Reasons I should change my attitude"

I know I would adore a dog and love one if I would get one. I know I would adore it and my family would too. But on that same note if  I would end up having a fourth child or an adopted Chinese girl…I would end up loving it a lot too. Do you see me running to get either?

My daughter would be soooooo happy. And probably my boys too.

Bottom line is:

Year after years a dog gets crossed off the list

Year after year when this comes to mind I just feel tired and sick even considering it

Can’t my daughter just get a bunch of dogs when she moves out one day? Or be a dog walker or something?

In the end I will probably get a dog. And probably regret it.

 

 

 

Recovery

Recovery can mean so many different things at different times. It can be the convalescence period after a surgery…or the period of time when someone gives up alcohol, or it can me the healing from a broken heart.

It means all these these. And all of them have in common self nurturing vnd cocooning from the outside world in a way.

Recovery for me has always meant mostly a weekly or weekend ritual. Where I recover my energy and am ready for the Sprint again on Monday. Weekends are where I re-energize. Not to say I don’t run around like mad half the time, or have a million things to do and see and get done. But if I do not have at least one day and night on weekend to relax or do what I love doing (even if that means running around?) I don’t feel like I have recovered.

My work is very demanding and stressful. I adore it, but it is not a career for a slacker. It never ever stops. High pressure and high demands. High performance and high workload. Let’s just say I need recovery like most people need alcohol or coffee (I drink neither).

And this week on Monday I looked at my week and thought” how is this possible?” I was scheduled every moment of everyday and every night. My brother was arriving Thursday evening for a 36 hr visit and I wanted all my stuff done my then to be fully there with him…but I had so much to cram in..it seemed impossible! And then after his visit a 7am carpool to the Olympic basin for kayak and Bear….when would I ever have time to recover or even breathe? But so so so worth it as my brother was coming. I am good at recovery-but even better at prioritizing. People I love and love spending time with always always come first. Top of my list are my family and friends and our relationships . Relationships (important ones) always come first.  

So I set my week and hoped for the best.

And then my Mom got sick. As in really sick- and ended up in emergency for more than 24 hrs. Part of the time I was madly texting her. And part of the time I was there. Basically for 24 hrs time stood still. I of course got nothing done. Nothing. My Mom was on my mind literally day and night.

And now she is miracoulously ok! A big big medical mystery. But she is ok and that is what is important.

And somehow? I still got to see my brother just as planned …I got to go to the kayak competition and I got to come here to Trent with my Hubby and daughter and relax and recover. That is how important recovery is to me. I won’t give it up-even in the craziest week and missing 24 hrs. Anything else except for recovery and relationships has to wait.

Nothing could make me miss the beautiful sun and weather and fall foliage this weekend here at the cottage. (Except if my mom had been still too unwell of course) Chicken soup for the soul. The almost blinding orange and yellow and warm air. The trees and leaves as mountains with the hot hot sun.

We got here late afternoon and nearly ran down to the lake and boat. Beauty and I had naps on the boat and Hubby stretched out and put his face up to the warm light.

Chase was at home. Spending the day with his girlfriend (not allowed at house alone of course since we are away) so were down at the lake and he was sending me beautiful pics and chatting with me by text. He and his girl went downtown for the day to an upscale cool chocolate restaurant, and then down to the lake for a couple of  hours and now spending the evening at a friend’s house. He is growing so much. I am proud of him.

And Bear…Bear…in the race today we did not recognize our own son. Who is that athlete at the Olympic basin??? Wth the flexed upper-body and dark hair (I thought he was blond!) What an amazing guy with an amazing supportive fun smart clean group of friends.

And Beauty.Social butterfly. Slept at a new friend’s house with all new girls from high school. It’s only been 4 weeks and she has a whole slew  of new friends. She had 6 hrs of sleep and is now burnt. It’s nice to be up here just with her.

And my husband. Today I loved him most. Something about today and yesterday just warmed me to the core. Him and his own recovery. His millstones. His emerging self and happiness. Discovering slowly but surely the full landscape of his life. And me watching it all unveil. I truly feel privileged to love him and be loved by him. And too shy to tell him really. I hope he feels it. And you know what lately? It’s all about love in action. He sees it. He sees me. Because of him….I am coming to life again. I am so grateful.

Respect. Recovery. Relaxation. You can strip us of many things this year…but these three…are part of us. They won’t be going anywhere for a very long time.

Time is what you need for recovery.

And to recover? You need time.

My biggest goal will always be to find that space and time. Those moments…amongst a life that could easily be sucked up by obligations and to do lists and worrries and work if I let them suck me up fully.

I will always make time for recovery and be there for those recovering around me. If it is not at the highest priority of my to do list most of the time-I consider I am doing something very wrong in my time management and will look back at my life with regret-more than pride

I am happiest in life when I make time.

My Golden Blog Rules

(That I sometimes break and will often break again) Rules are meant to be broken sometimes are they not?

 

1-Don’t blog when someone you love is in the hospital. Focus on them getting better with you by their side. Text a lot to stay sane and awake

2-Don’t blog or text or email for very long when you have an out of town cherished guest visiting. Focus on the person you love in front of you as much as you can

3-When your have an Indian summer and it is super-hot as in hotter than it was all of August? Definately don’t waste time on a computer blogging. Be inside only to work and float in your pool as often as possible

 

That’s about it. And that is why this particular blog is very short.

 

My mom spent 24 hrs in emergency at hospital and is now ok. I was with her or connected to her a good chunck of that important time. It was damn scary to see the woman I love in so much pain and fear.

My amazing brother is here to visit me from Indiana and having a great and too short quick visit between me working and his other visits. I am so so happy he is here. So are my kids and Hubby:)

(I mean Indiana U shirts!!! OMG. He is the coolest! and the cousin necklace?...daughter is in heaven.) love those people.

The weather is GORGEOUS! Going  watch sons last kayak competition tomorrow and head up to cottage for boating!! Is it possible I won’t have blankets and coats on me????

 

 

Love and Hate

I have a love hate relationship with technology

 

I love being able to email and do work from home on my phone

 

I love texting with my friends and family

 

I hate having no clue how to watch TV or a DVD when I am alone (only men seem capable of Achieving this 35 step process this)

 

I love taking pics on my phone and love watching movies on Netflix

 

I can't stand the.20 remote controls it takes to watch Modern Family

 

I adore the access to email and blogs

 

I think Facebook, Pininterst and Twitter are for people who have way more time than me on their hands

 

Usually at work things run smoothly but when they don’t: total chaos ensues for my team and me .Like today. Can't do anything on my computer and I am weeping from stress

 

Yes weeping.

 

Now that I have a bit More

Of a normal life again ... Things like technology and bad grades stress me

 

Normal Life is coming back into me

 

I actually give a damn about TVs and grades and kids disobeying the rules. How about that eh?

 

But I have to say it annoys me when we sit down for a cozy thirty mins of TV and attempt to watch OITNB and the mouths of the actors are not In sync with their voices . Somehow just viewing lesbian sex in prison on the screen is not enough context and for me

 

I love my (2) phones. I love my blogs and other blogs.

I hate I- readers. Yuck

 

I hate when people in real life prefer their virtual world to the real me I offer myself up on a silver platter on

 

I hate when I ignore my family and my family ignores me because of technology

I

hate that after 5 yrs I still think I have a learning disability when it comes to PowerPoint.

 

And I will always love.. And always will hate technology of any sort

 

Tonight I just pray that my TV, electric toothbrush .. Phones,  blow-dryer and everything else works . I don't want to weep any longer

 

And I hope my alarm goes off tomorrow (I guess)