It used to be waiting for Spring or Fall. My family and
friends make fun of me be if there is a task in summer or winter-I always say
“I will do it in Fall”. It the way we function….more relaxation on weekends in
the nicer seasons and fall and spring are working seasons.
Now it is from weekends to Mondays. Not in terms of work
around the house but in terms of when to have more difficult talks to
discipline my kids.
You see up until now I could be caught reminding, passing on my thinking,
giving lessons (all of the above aka: nagging) to my kids every day of the
week. Sometimes even every hour on a bad weekend. But with teens it is not very
effective. New system needed.
Already with teens the good times are limited because a)
they are always out b) they always have friends over c) they are studying all
the time or at sports activities d) they are in crappy hormonal moods e) they
are busy growing up and trying to differentiate themselves from you as the
parents.
So those amazing joyous wonderful spontaneous carefree
moments are limited. So when you find them? You don’t want to ruin them with a
lesson or two.
Like today: I announced we were going to make chicken and
tabouli for dinner with yo- man pasta and reeses peanut butter cup cupcakes
(omg soooo good) and watch the Good Wife (at the cottage) and they jumped out
and did a dance and a family hug be they liked the menu so much (my kids are
foodies)
Well in the middle of the family hug and dance I see that
Bear is texting his girlfriend at the same time! So I tell him that is unacceptable!
I give him a lesson. Then he is angry so sort of only semi half goes back to our dance after my
commenting.
Well what a stupid thing for me to do? I mean c’mom woman
(me!)
So I discussed with Hubby and we decided for all the minor
things along the way to save for “Monday lists” (as if Monday is not bad enough
now let’s start the week listing all the crap our kids have done all week)
So this will be a tough one for me. Holding it in and
holding it back. But I know with all of my heart this is the right thing to do
at this stage. I can as the parent notice things along the way and point them
out but have a very specific period in general to discuss things more deeply. And keep more of my comments to myself in
lots of instances too. This of course does not include major things or
events..More the minor annoying stuff that deeply can grate on my nerves with three
teens.
And trying to make our weekends as peaceful and fun as possible.
It’s our recovery time afteralll and
where we all re-energize for the week ahead. The last few weekends the kids
have noted that there was a lot of disagreeing and they have been right. A lot of
issues have come up and have landed straight on our weekends. It has made them
sad and I could feel it….and it made me sad to hear their feedback. But that is
what I love about feedback: if you don’t get defensive about it can be the best
gift and can catapult you in directions you would never have explored before.
Always-whether they like or agree with what they are hearing or not!
These comments specifically made me realize: nagging left
for Mondays as often as possible and weekends are to be cherished all the time
and as peaceful as possible.
These kids are testing out my resilience lately I tell
you. They all have big things going on. Seems like they have literally grown up
overnight and the issues they are dealing with are foreign territory for me in
lots of ways as the parent. I lived all these things at their ages, but now I
need to provide guidance on them which is a whole other ballgame and it is damn
hard.
But one thing I feel blessed on is when I am not teaching
and nagging..my kids listen to me a lot and talk to me a lot too. When I get curious
I am at my ultimate best self rather than have an opinion of my own necessarily.
Friday for example my son confided something in me very casually I never
thought possible. Did he just tell me THAT? OMG! So I remained calm and cool
and collected and just heard him out. And threw in an opinion or two on a text
the day after. But added this is my advice but we trust you and know you are
responsible and know you will make the right decision for your life”.
Way to go woman! (Me)
So I am finding my way in this puzzle and hopefully not
screwing it up too much along the way. Hopefully I have not messed them up too
much already. And hopefully waiting
until my Monday lists will make more space for those amazing family dances and
hugs (with girlfriends sandwiched in between virtually by text)
What an absolute honor to bring up teens. Annoying and
exhausting as hell-but overall a big privilege. The finale it seems of tweaking
who we are as human beings and how much we can put up with. In my opinion the
ultimate test of a parent-surviving and thriving the teen years.
PS-I wrote this Saturday but did not post it until today.
We had the most amazing day here yesterday… peaceful and fun and loving. Many
little things that will go on my Monday’s list (reminder to not wipe chocolate
hands on white towel, reminders that we don’t use iPad during family time,
reminder that we don’t say shut up to our siblings etc.) but yesterday was just
to be together and enjoy each other.
And forget for the moment that we are all imperfect and
just bask in our togetherness as an imperfect family.
And Hubby and I fought for this time together with our kids this weekend.
The last few weekends we are also missing one of two or three-everyone is so
busy with their friends and girlfriends and sports and award nights. Last night
we said “enough!” and one missed a party and one an award night. It was hard to
choose-but we chose our family. It was an ongoing debate all week.
We have to fight for this time and protect it with our
souls. For 16 yrs. Hubby and I have gone away alone for a trip once a year as a couple. Not this year.
For 16 yrs. Hubby and I have ensured we have alone time at the cottage as a couple-not
anymore-now we are fighting to have our family of five together. We know the
time won’t last and we are going to get and fit as much as we humanly can while
they are still ours.
Things have changed..and we are rolling with the punches.
