Girl Only

(And no it is not about Shades of Grey!!!) That will be after Feb 20 when I see it.

If you are a boy you can’t read this. And if you are a boy who works with me please just let go ok? (What are you doing reading my blog anyways??)

It is so odd. Every month 24 hrs before I get my period I have a vivid dream the night before that I get my period. And it is always at a time when I don’t want my period in my dream.  (Although do we ever want it really?) I wake up an am sure I have period, but then don’t have it. And then 24 hrs later get it.

And it is not that I am so regular or anything so this is odd.

What it shows me is the power of the hormones and the female body all connected to female intuition. The body and mind are connected-and the mind knows and so does the body that the bloody period is arriving (pun intended)

For me although periods are not necessarily clockwork (and sometimes are) there are some very predictable elements to this time of month. Since I don’t want any more babies I find menstruation more and more of a lost cause and an annoyance as it truly has no purpose in my life.

-about 4 days before it is 100% certain I will get in a huge fight with either my husband or one of the kids or all of the kids and my husband. During this fight limited to about once a month, if we are luck that month, I will lose it and be screaming and crying a lot. This is so not my fault. I cannot control it .

-I will be tired and irritable about 2 weeks before my period. So generally half the month I am sweet as pie (probably sweeter than most) and half the month I am a bitch (really bad). I am quite pleased as before two years ago it was about 3 months and 4 days I was irritable leaving about 4 days a month (with blood) that I was pleasant to live with. Now it is two whole weeks!

-after I get my period I am so…calm. And serene…and happy and peaceful for a few…moments...hours...days

I thought about this today because the hormones affect me to this level imagine what this does to teens with their constant raging hormones? We can’t get to irritated and angry with them-as their bodies are out of control! Seriously I bet they feel like I do the 4 days before my period pretty much all the time. We can’t hold them liable for their behavior then can we? They are hormonal messes! Let’s see if I remember this next time our teens pull something that irritates me (everyday)

Like this morning after thousands and thousands of times of me telling Beauty to make sure clothes not on floor in mornings and lamp off as a fire hazard-I walk into her room that she was supposed to have cleaned last night and what do I see? I see no floor at all-that is how bad it is. And two lamps on. It was and is pathetic and I am at a loss for words. But hey maybe it is her hormones!!! Yes let’s blame everyone’s bad characteristics in the house and their disobedience on that!

My daughter has had her period for 10 months now and thank goodness she and I are pretty much on the same cycle. And similar moods too. (poor men in our home)Tonight we are both in good moods..and we had fun. Can’t wait until next month to catch a glimpse of that again.

If you are a boy and you arrived to this point…you are a bad bad boy. And you deserve feeling a little awkward. And so do I!

A Bear turns 15!!

One of the sweetest guys on earth turns 15 yrs old today. I actually have in my mind thought of him as 15 or even older for the last year or so so it shocks me to realize today that he is only turning 15!

This is him all the way:)

my handsome guy and now even 4 inches taller than this!

always surrounded by good people and friends

watersports always with his bro

this morning

For his b-day he had three friends come over afterschool and play video games. Then they took skates and hockey sticks to rink. we went a night early to a really nice Italian restaurant that he has never tried before. Our family, and three great buddies of Bear. Last minute Didi could not come as she is really not well these days so that was sad. But she came over and gave Bear his bday bag and he said it was the best one he ever had…his friends said it was “sick!”) (ps that is a compliment).

Bear texted me at school and asked to invite the third friend as was his bday too that week-I thought that was kind of him and generous to think about other people’s feelings so said yes. It was a great night with fun and laughs and good (expensive!) food.Maybe next time we go a little less fancy. But was nice to celebrate Bear-and he raved about the food. He got very generous gifts from his friends that will help him pay for the skis he has to buy as his were stolen this weekend and he had not locked them up so his is payingL(( After the resto the boys came back for more NHL playing and after they left at 10pm Bear sneaked and stayed up until 11:30pm on a schoolnight that is.

resto chilling out with the guys

blurry pic of the gang!

And then this morning on the real day we covered the table in gifts and had cinnamon buns and candies and stuck 15 dollars under his chair. Tonight Hubby out so juts a night at home maybe watching a movie and hopefully Didi well enough to come by for some dessert. I might just even grab Bearrand take him for a Harvey’s hamburger…because Harvey’s makes a hamburger a beautiful thing right???

Tomorrow night we have Bear’s girlfriend for dinner and doing something a little fancier than a normal Thursday night dinner. Raceltte which is his favorite and a little chocolate brownie dessert with homage fudges sauce. This weekend Bear has a buddy coming to cottage to ski and play hockey-which will be nice as with Chase at job and Beauty at competition he is alone at ski hill so is very excited about this weekend.

(Pics to be inserted after tomorrow of this dinner)

Bear this year. How can I describe him?

Growing like a beanstalk! (To the dismay of his older bro he is a little  taller than him now and grew about 4 inches in last two months!)\

Changing. Voice is deepening; face is changing….becoming a man

Acts way older than 15 yrs. . So mature. and so immature all at the same time! But he is really a precious gift to have as a child. I have been asked many times to clone him.

Eccentric as ever!!!! Weird sounds are his trademark..never ending series of eccentricities from this guy.

So smart. So compassionate. So empathetic. So bright. So kind. So hard headed. So annoying and in your face. So so so much of everything. When I see how he acts in front of other adults I am truly impressed. At his age I did not have even a fraction of his manners and confidence etc –it impresses me to no end how he acts with adults. His girlfriend’s parents seem to want marriage now!!! lol

I can’t imagine for one moment I wished this kid to be a girl. What a waste of brain cells.

Doing amazingly well in school-super strong athlete-girlfriends now for 8 months (great girl juts way too young to be as serious-but he knows how to choose the great ones!) great friends..Great future ahead. And best part is he works hard for it all. Not a slacker at all. Gives 100 % to anything and maybe even more.

Happy bday to our wonderful Bear. Fiercely and Forever.

Mama

who he is -riding the waves 

Forgiveness

I think if there is one lesson in life I learnt -it  was about forgiveness. I was truly taught this lesson.

In a work envormpment nonetheless. In front of about 13 colleagues. Learnt about my personal life in front of my professional life. It was transformational for me and changed the course of my life in many ways since that day about 5 yrs ago.

Since then the words” Forgiveness is for You” have always stayed with me.

Again yesterday in a beautiful fiction book I finished the main character  goes on to say:

“No matter what a choice always belongs to you” How true! Empowering to know that that can never ever be taken away from you.

And that “Forgiveness is so much easier than resentment. As hard as it may be you only have to do it once. Resentment is felt and carried wish you each and every day”

Forgiveness can apply to huge, almost unforgivable situations or for the simpler everyday mistakes that a family member or friend can make. In most situations you feel you need to forgive without the person really accepting responsibility to the degree that you feel is appropriate. You often feel you are right and they are in the wrong. Often they don’t say sorry.

It is so much easier to forgive .And feels so much better

I would add though that for me forgiveness is necessary to move on but so is communication. I think it needs to be stated what was wrong and how you experienced it. I think the person needs to know or you are not doing yourself any favors or them any favors either. For me the best gift in life you can give another human being is the gift of your honest feedback. It is also the best gift you can ever receive. It may not feel like it at the time-but will be well worth it in years to come. Someone actually cared about you enough to take the time to communicate courageously with you-count yourself lucky

.

Forgiving and moving on is hard but easier

Expressing authentically what the problem is and discussing it and then forgiving and moving on is where true courage and peace comes in.

Who do you need to forgive in your life?

STOP IT!!!

If you had not noticed already: I am a super bossy and judgmental person.

The bossy part I kind of like and works for me. The judgmental part I hate about myself and try to change it much of the time with mediocre and inconsistent success.

In the leadership course I give at work my Swiss collegue and I started playing a video clip to the mangers each session called “Stop It”. In it a woman with a phobia seeks help from the psychiatrist about not wanting to leave her house because she is scared and his answer is that he screams in her face “Stop it!”. When she admits she is scared to be buried alive in a box and what should she do he asks her to listen to him carefully and take a piece of paper out and write down the following “JUST STOP IT!”

Since that video more than a decade ago which we have shown a dozen times since-I have 1) wanted to write a booked called “Stop it!” (Which I will one day) 2) pretty much want to shout at many people many times a day the same thing.

Well last night I pulled out the entire stop it. Sometimes my dear family just drives me to the point where I simply cannot handle it anymore and yesterday was one of those days. Bear had his skis stolen. Expensive twintips. I have been reminding my kids weekly to lock up their skis with the 40 dollar locks we bought them and they ignore me. Well look what happens. Bear now has to pay all of this him…and it is hard to watch. Well the way his sister handled this situation made me literally pull on her hair. I was so disappointed in her. At dinner that night during a great conversation about our upcoming trip to Costa Rica-Chase decided to ruin it all and say he is too anxious to go and hates heat, and hates new places, and is so upset not to have free Wi-Fi-and why couldn’t we stay in a 5 sitar hotel?. And Beauty said she hates spider and crocodiles and is pretty much going to cry and whine the whole time (and she started at the table to give us a preview).

WELL I LOST IT COMPLETELY. AND NOT ONLY DID I SAY STOP IT! I SAID MANY THINGS IN BETWEEN.

I cannot handle people’s anxieties anymore, or phobias, or fears, or fear of illness, or aches and pains, or anything at all. I just want to be normal and go on vacation and have my kids count down the days like normal families do. Just be normal please? Sometimes I truly feel like an old smelly sponge who’s purpose in like is to soak up everyone else’s crap.

Did I over react? YES. Did I handle the situation as a mother should? No. No .No. Was I proud of myself? No? Did my kids feel like shit seeing me bawl like a baby and simultaneously scream volatile things at them? YES. Did I sleep all night? No.

Do I regret it? No.

Sometimes you just have enough. And this was my enough. Please please just stop being afraid of reptiles and worry you might get a headache in the heat. Plus stop using a baby voice to get your point across and tell me how change makes you anxious. And please please don’t even allude to the fact that if you can’t be on Facebook you may not want to come-because them I might seriously have to kill myself.

Technology has truly killed the world as far as I am concerned and I am seriously scared to see how this generation turns out.

STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE

I am far far far from a perfect mother. And I am happily admitting it.

Not every weekend is a good one. This one sucks.

The 775$ Day

When I think of this day..part of me is so proud and sparkly..And part of me just wants to run to the nearest toilet and vomit .

For the purpose of this post I will chose to focus on the former.

I remember the day exactly as it was recently-the Christmas holidays 2014. There is always that swing and transition that take me a few days to get into over any holidays where the first few days I can’t unwind and relax or appreciate and then about by day 4 I am thinking “wow this should never end”

775$ day came at day 6 of our holidays. Right after all the Christmas prep was over and all our time was not taken up from cleaning, wrapping, decorating and planning like the rest of the world. I remember this day being a particular good one as the kids let us sleep in by not having ski practices and so it was a lounging day. I blogged and read and just soaked up all the wonderfulness of this day. The night before we had made massive portions of spaghetti to freeze and and a yummy baked dessert for dinner. We also enjoyed French onion soup for lunch. All of this cooking added up to a sink full of piled high sticky dirty saucy yucky dishes. But hey who cared right –they could wait until later.

Nobody knew at that point that tragedy would strike that evening.

As we managed to get our lazy butts away from the fire long enough to load up the dishwasher, I remember taking a brief moment and thanking the world that we had a dishwasher. I think I may have even taken a moment to tell it and pat it. We happily loaded it up, with still a second load waiting in the sink ,and let it work it’s magic.

Well. It’s magic ran out. In the middle nonetheless of our load. It started with a little red flashing light-never a good sign when a light is red and not a simple yellow or green. If you were not in denial,you might even realize the end is very near.

Halt. Stop. Middle of load. Second massive load in the sink.

All of this equals in my mind-DISASTER.DAY RUINED. REST OF HOLIDAY RUINED. The serene thoughts of reading and lounging and taking it easy were now replaced by massive loads of dishes being scrubbed by hands. I knew we had many many guests arriving the next week and just pictured them resenting us and breaking up with us as we would have no choice but to put them to work as slaves three times a day. Or picturing all the menus we had planned or and dreamed up being replaced by cold Big Macs and fries eaten off the paper itself as to not waste dishes. Not to even mention the dishwasher full of dirty dishes and soap and water that needed to be dealt with mid cycle and broken.

Well it was then and there where I made a strategic decision. A long term decision. I WAS NOT GOING TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO OUR FAMILY

When my husband suggested we just replace the part (25$) this option sounded reasonable until I heard the actual details. Ok the part it being the 4^th time we have to replace this part  was not too bad, or the part where this particular dishwasher seems to have to have manual labor on it every two months to function did not get me too much, but the part about the store selling the part being closed on the 25th of December was just too much to bear? I mean who dare close on Christmas day in such an important needed business?

This would mean we would have to sleep at home in the city ( actually  a really beautiful suburban home in the almost country) on Christmas night and come back to our precious cottage on the morning of the 26 vs the evening of the 25? Are you kidding me? To waste an actual morning of sleeping in and a night of being by the fire for a dishwasher part that probably will only last a few months anyways. This can’t be.

Well we discussed a lot my husband and me and really thought it through. I mean this was a biggie right? He was leaning towards the fact that we really didn’t have much choice in the matter did we unless we wanted to wash dishes by hand all the rest of the vacation. And then the wheels of my savvy mind started turning and I came up with an AMAZING alternative.

LET’S GO BUY A NEW DISHWASHER INSTEAD!!!!!

AND HEY TO SAVE TIME TO BE ABLE TO READ MORE AND BLOG MORE AND RELAX MORE-LET’S GO TO THE REALLY EXPENSIVE KITCHEN BOUTIQUE AROUND THE CORNER HERE UP NORTH AND TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO GIVE US THE BOXING DAY SALE PRICE  EARLY!

So all 5 of us did that.. A family affair. Exciting. We were sweet talked by the salesman who had probably never had anyone buy a dishwasher from him in his life as he rattled off all the amazing attributes of “our “dishwasher as though it were a precious gem. We were lucky enough to get a 50 dollar rebate too! Yippee! I even convinced him to deliver it 3 hrs later he to our house as it was an emergency! And he listened to me!

We gave our credit card and even went to spend an extra 21.50$ to celebrate our new purchase over chocolate croissants and hot chocolate with whipping cream next door at the bakery (on the credit card),

When it was delivered a few hours later and my husband installed it which took a few hours ,and we realized it has a very inconvenient way of needing cutlery to be loaded, and no baskets for small parts, and very little room for pots and that each time you touch this particular stainless style (i.e. : every minute) that it leaves a big hand mark that has to be removed by a special product, and that it didn’t even clean better than our old dishwasher even without the new part…we kind of felt….depressed.

We don’t have 800$ (plus tax) at all to make this kind of spontaneous purchase. We didn’t need a new dishwasher. We had buyer’s regret. We had no money to pay off our credit card (especially after Xmas!). We have made a boo-boo and now it was too late.

There is no happy ending to this story people. This is where it ends. We spent more money on an unneeded dishwasher than most people spend on a trip to Cuba all to have an extra morning at our cottage of holiday when it comes down to it. We have a very mediocre dishwasher in place and have to work many hours to make up for the money it cost us to buys the new one. Even to this day each time I see it running in the kitchen I feel a little confused. An each time I pass the one frozen outside that we haven’t bothered to haul up a steep hill to the highway garbage-I miss it a little.

(And that precious next day at the cottage? I think we fought most the day and the kids were all after another and in bad mood anyways). Basically we could have spent 25$ and because of me we spent 775$ more than that for very little improvement or difference if any at all.

See why I want to mostly vomit???? (And no it is not because my husband slapped me so hard in the face for this mistake that I am feeling nauseous LOL and joke).

But…but. There is always a but. Hidden jewel-nuggets of happiness to any story. I found out the very very hard way..Where my priorities lie. And they might not admit it but my husband’s priorities and even my three children’s priorities to a certain extent. I found out that day that we are willing to go to great lengths to enjoy a holiday together. That the price of a day at the cottage all together is worth a lot to us ($775 to be exact). That we are willing to do some crazy ridiculous things to ensure we get and claim that precious time together as a family. And as ridiculous as it may seem to you to hear or for me to write or admit-the success of our family has always been to get our priorities straight and to let nothing interfere. We make time for things that are important, we don’t cancel on important occasions, and we get what is important to us done. We align our values with our actions, we try as much as possible to walk to the talk, we fight for space in our lives to live what we work so hard to protect.

And even if this 775$ day was stupid and ridiculous and arrogant and pompous, we could not afford it ,and we made what appeared to be a ridicules and stupid choice…

There will be part of me that always walks past that dishwasher and pats in on it’s stupid stainless steel front with my dirty hand that then leaves its mark on it 500 times a day and in between wanting to puke for all the money we don’t have that we wasted on this stupid, dumb appliance………..that I feel sparkly from the inside core and proud and good and lightheaded in a good way because this little good feeling amongst all the bad ones…reminds me:

That I make deliberate and ridiculously good decisions.

And that wild horses won’t hold me back from continuing to do so.

That I am back in the game. Alive and kicking. I am now back to who I once was.

Disclaimer : if you want to comment on words like "tragedy and crisis" to describe a dishwasher breaking or to point out these are third world problems-save your breathe. I already know and am fully aware. Keeping it light once in a while

It All Came Together

"No one is busy in this world. It's all about priorities."  If you truly prioritize something, you will make time for it. Be certain of that. "

Did he really think I was going to give him a toilet plunger for such an important b-day and to mark such an important year?

I guess he did-as he was thoroughly surprised last night!

We did a surprise 2 weeks late bday party/slash you made it through 2014 party for my Guy . And it is a miracle it worked out as so many glitches along the way.

9 adults and 9 kids –turned into 8 adults and 12 kids…turned almost into 5 adults and 8 kids. But finally we were a whole bunch!!!! Sadly missing Michael and Ian with very good reasonsll!!!!!!  It is honestly a full time job to coordinate all us working parents- schedules teenagers with hockey and exams, sick kids, illness etc. this morning I almost literally just cancelled the whole thing. I couldn’t take it anymore!!! Was supposed to be our closet 3 sets of couple friends and my mom. And older kids. Ended up a different version of that with some key players missing and young kids added.

BFF’s couldn’t  make it..Husbands were sick or away..Kids showed up with contagious sores in their mouths and we quarantined them in our room with no contact with anyone. We had changed the date several times for one of our BFF’s work and finally he wasn’t able to make it at all as was stuck on a plane. Our three kids are in final exams the next day-ended up was a bad date to choose because of this. Really bad

And then I decided to just shut up and just go with the flow. And I did.

And it was all so beautiful.

But we were there to celebrate my Hubby. On a weeknight for 2.5 hrs. as that is all we have as weekends forget it as even more of an administrative scheduling nightmare. We sat around and laughed and chatted and enjoyed for those few hrs. With each other and the man of the hour. Who was in shock because he really had no ideas at all this was happening. Love this part!!! Love surprising people!

I came home an hour early to check on Beauty’s decorating job (she is so good!) and set out a few appetizers. Catered Lebanese meal arrived as expected ,piping hot right on time at 7:15pm. Mrs. Sweetheart made his absolute fave Score bar cheesecake-bless her sweet soulJ I had invited only a fraction of people as was very intimate and our couple BFF’s who we always hang out with as I knew this is what Hubby would want-but we had asked a good 15 people to email messages for him. I put them all into a scrapbooking format on a HUGE card and it will be a keepsake for a lifetime. So special and meaningful are the words so  people wrote.

It was a short and sweet and wonderful evening. Like a warm blanket of love. And each time one of these friends events end I feel so blessed that we have this bunch. We have all supported another like a village in our marriages, our careers, raising kids. It truly is the village I always knew we needed to be successful in our lives.  It all worked like like magic. All great people and a super dynamic.

And no exam the next day, or any other priority could be more important than making these types of events happen even if it is a full time job to plan. These are the moments we will all remember. Not the ski competitions or the hockey games or the soccer weekends. Not the marks, or the missed work or the scheduling woes.

With good  friends we have always made it happen. And we will fight to our graves to ensure it always does.

This is the stuff life is made of.

The Mother I Am

A few emails in the last couple of weeks from blog readers inspired this post. They suggested that I was a great Mother (or at least sounded like one) that they were envious to some degree of the deliberateness I put on mothering.

I wanted to clarify.

If you feel a little green it should be for the strategic and deliberation I put into parenting-that is fine. Feel jealous of that part-I rock in that area. Hopefully you will read my books one day and attend one day my hopefully famous key note speeches on deliberate and strategic parenting:) I deserve this envy If you feel at all envious of my actual mothering however…..don’t waste a single brain cell on this. Yours is probably much better. Don’t waste a single shade of green on me.

You see I am not a natural mother. I work hard at it. I really really do. And I love my kids ferociously..I do. But it is that part between loving them and showing them that on a daily basis that is hard for me.I am not a natural mother. And they are all naturally mine in every sense of the word.

Mothering is something I want to be good at, desperately; I know it is the most fulfilling job in the world, how these are the best years of my life, knows that there is nothing even comparable to this. but it does not change the fact that sometimes on a vacation or even a weekend I feel a strong need for an anxiety pill, or the fact that I often think in my head that I have to “deal” with my children” or the sheer fact that when I get to my office chair and sit down to the computer every Tuesday morning, I feel more instinct there and control that I ever did holding my children in my arms for the first time.

I learned to be a great mom. And I would say I am not great at all. I am highly visionary and strategic and well organized and very bright and very devoted and committed. But in between all these great adjectives- is a bit of a hot mess when it comes to mothering.

And this is why I likely need to write about parenting so often. To remind myself more often to try and be good at it.  Mothering is very unlike sleeping or reading or writing or planning or eating or spending time as a couple is to me. Natural. Needed. Instinctual. Mothering takes a lot of work for me to do. Sometimes it is super easy and natural to me-and as the kids get older these moments are more and more often. Much more so than when they were little. I feel and ease with teens that I didn’t have with little ones. I can relate to them, to their needs, to their mood, to their being irrational. I adore teens-there are so interesting and lovable in many ways. 

And even with this ease and adoration of this particular age I often cannot match my intentions to my behavior. I worry about their long term happiness much more than their short term happiness, in some ways it is great and in others it can be destructive. I let their teenage hood get to me to the core and eat me up from the inside. My intentions are always to love them and show them that-but it rarely makes its way to the surface I would imagine. I try my best but inside I know my best is not good enough. And I don’t have the energy to change it. Sometimes I wish I was more instinctual-that things were easier for me as a mom. That I was naturally good at this as I am at work. That I wouldn’t need to think about it all so much. I watch many mothers around me doing the same –they have good intentions but they sound like witches much of the time. The kids must end up resenting it-resenting all us bitchy moms who want only the best for them for their future but waste the present on nagging and teaching and bitching. It can’t be fun. Sure they will love us in 20 yrs. and look back and know we did everything for them-but their present experience of us now should be good too right?

But little kids annoy me to a large degree. I hate running after them-I hate reading to others-I don’t like showing people how to do stuff. I hate games and puzzles and most cartoons. On personality inventories I am the “BE Bold, be brilliant, be brief, and be gone!”  Fiery red style. Combined with a soft, sunshine yellow that truly cares about people, their needs, interacting loving, nurturing. I am a rare brand of determination and nurturing. Delivery and love. It makes me a great parent in a lot of ways, I am truly interested in my kids their friends, their lives, their decisions. But I also need them to be confident and capable and quick and listen to me-because I know what is best.

I am hard on myself in mothering. I know I am. I expect a lot of myself and am very unforgiving when I don’t perform. But I hear the way my kids friends describe me and our nieces and nephews and cousins etc. and they all say I CARE. I truly and utterly care about them-so that is good. And I show this all the time. All the time. So I should cut myself some slack right? (And maybe extend this love to my own children)!

But I try. God I try. I should be given a prize in my trying. And my heart aches when I see moms around me not fully enjoying every minute of those precious 5-12 yrs. of life of their kids as seriously after that family time is downhill. Trust me. Teen stage I love but it is very lovely in lots of ways-not as gratifying in many ways and more in others. You have to get it right in the 5-12 yrs. old piece-it is really your only chance to be a great parent-to set the foundation of your future family. You need to own this phase and make it more important than any individual need you have during those years, you need to commit to it, and dedicate to it whether forced or instinctual. It is your only time to get it right-it is the only time your kids will make it easy for you. It is the only time that you will be the center of your child’s universe and they will be watching your every move. Try hard to make these your family years and focus on family-which I have enough mothering and instinct in me to know. Bond them to you..Attach them to you…make them part of your life and yours their lives even if it kills you to do it. Don’t give up on every individual need you have, but give up on lots of them temporarily to show up for your kids. Start finding yourself again when they turn 13 as you will have a lot more time, trust me. Force yourself to show up to the parts of your life that are most important.

Never miss a ballet recital if you don’t have to. Don’t miss that family vacation. This much I know is true. Maybe I am a good mother?

I was great with babies. Not natural at all but really good. Great at getting my kids as they grew up to sleep, be good in school, be confident, make friends. I was good at pretty much anything I put my mind too. But I am not good at all the instinctual stuff. When my kid throws up in the night part of me wants to throw them out the window for disturbing my sleep, when they break something in the house-I might care more about the object than their bleeding heart. I often want what is right for me and care less about what is right for them. I am a better mother in writing than I am in person. My heart is revealed in written words more than in spoken ones. When I bake chocolate chip cookies (once a year from a mix) I eat the first one and hide three away to ensure I get more than my share.

Basically lets be real here if I was not the visionary I am …I would suck as a parent.

But you know what as I write this and expose myself in this way; I know what I have that most people do not. I know what I have those differences me as a person, a wife, a human and a mother. I have what I crave and love in others when I get to see it, I have what takes courage and heart, and I have something that will ultimately make me very successful in this parenting field.

I am authentic.

That is what the kid’s friend’s sense about me. What my friends sense about me, my colleagues. It belongs to me. It is part of me. It is who I am. I am not pretending for anybody. I am strong and I am weak. I am perfect and imperfect. And I am not shy to expose it and to say it. I am me. Here I am.

And it is this authenticity and deliberateness combined (my sunshine yellow and my fiery red) who makes capable of what I do in life and for what is ahead for me in the future. It is what makes me real and touchable. It is what makes you envious of me as a parent and what make me have the energy to go on every day. It is this weakness and this openness to let you share it it-and to actually admit it to myself that makes me the mother my children need.

It makes me who I am

The Mother I am. And the Mother I am not.

“I love them .And yet.”