If you had not noticed already: I am a super bossy and
judgmental person.
The bossy part I kind of like and works for me. The judgmental
part I hate about myself and try to change it much of the time with mediocre
and inconsistent success.
In the leadership course I give at work my Swiss collegue
and I started playing a video clip to the mangers each session called “Stop It”.
In it a woman with a phobia seeks help from the psychiatrist about not wanting
to leave her house because she is scared and his answer is that he screams in
her face “Stop it!”. When she admits she is scared to be buried alive in a box
and what should she do he asks her to listen to him carefully and take a piece
of paper out and write down the following “JUST STOP IT!”
Since that video more than a decade ago which we have
shown a dozen times since-I have 1) wanted to write a booked called “Stop it!”
(Which I will one day) 2) pretty much want to shout at many people many times a
day the same thing.
Well last night I pulled out the entire stop it. Sometimes
my dear family just drives me to the point where I simply cannot handle it
anymore and yesterday was one of those days. Bear had his skis stolen. Expensive
twintips. I have been reminding my kids weekly to lock up their skis with the
40 dollar locks we bought them and they ignore me. Well look what happens. Bear
now has to pay all of this him…and it is hard to watch. Well the way his sister
handled this situation made me literally pull on her hair. I was so disappointed
in her. At dinner that night during a great conversation about our upcoming
trip to Costa Rica-Chase decided to ruin it all and say he is too anxious to go
and hates heat, and hates new places, and is so upset not to have free Wi-Fi-and
why couldn’t we stay in a 5 sitar hotel?. And Beauty said she hates spider and
crocodiles and is pretty much going to cry and whine the whole time (and she
started at the table to give us a preview).
WELL I LOST IT COMPLETELY. AND NOT ONLY DID I SAY STOP
IT! I SAID MANY THINGS IN BETWEEN.
I cannot handle people’s anxieties anymore, or phobias,
or fears, or fear of illness, or aches and pains, or anything at all. I just
want to be normal and go on vacation and have my kids count down the days like
normal families do. Just be normal please? Sometimes I truly feel like an old
smelly sponge who’s purpose in like is to soak up everyone else’s crap.
Did I over react? YES. Did I handle the situation as a
mother should? No. No .No. Was I proud of myself? No? Did my kids feel like
shit seeing me bawl like a baby and simultaneously scream volatile things at them?
YES. Did I sleep all night? No.
Do I regret it? No.
Sometimes you just have enough. And this was my enough.
Please please just stop being afraid of reptiles and worry you might get a headache
in the heat. Plus stop using a baby voice to get your point across and tell me
how change makes you anxious. And please please don’t even allude to the fact
that if you can’t be on Facebook you may not want to come-because them I might seriously
have to kill myself.
Technology has truly killed the world as far as I am
concerned and I am seriously scared to see how this generation turns out.
STOP IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE
I am far far far from a perfect mother. And I am happily admitting
it.
Not every weekend is a good one. This one sucks.
