Time to be Kind

This notion has been very much on my mind lately. That I need more space in my life to give kindness. I mean I give it often and in large amounts to many many people. Mostly the close ones and the ones I love the most, friends, family, colleagues. I am truly full of love. When I love you…I really love you in general. You will rarely be forgotten. Your needs will often make it to the top of my to do list no matter what is happening in my own life. I am far from perfect but really try hard to make my close people a huge priority in my life and have been very selective over the years of who this love goes to and which relaionships I invest in.

 One of my Bff’s hubbies wrote me lately and told me that my texts make him feel super loved all the time as I often remember his doctor apts, or job interviews of anything else and take the time to connect and ask him about it. I took this as the highest of compliments. It is what I strive to be in my life.

So the ones I love are covered in most instances I think. But not the strangers or people in need. (at all) It’s funny most people I know fall into one or the other buckets-much more consistent kindness to the close ones they love or much more consistent kindness to the ones they don’t know as well. It’s funny. And so easily identifiable too. I would love to be great at both but I know that is a huge stretch as there is only so much time in a day. I think that is why most people fall into more of one bucket or the other in general. You can’t be good at everything all the time-there is only so much energy in a person.

So when I was laid off at my work this was one of the first things that occurred to me: Time to be Kind.

At first I thought maybe shovel a neighbor’s driveway or do some errands for someone in need or volunteer more often. But I realized it is not those bigger things that for me I want to strive for yet. It is all the small that can easily be done often. So that day I got laid off I started just doing them daily and often.

Here’s a list so far of a few that come to mind:

Hugging my boss with forgiveness before I left the company

Being graceful in very very tough situations that most people would have walked away from

Not holding a good friend at work responsible for knowing before me.

Hugging the cleaning lady goodbye

Thanking the security and reception staff for all the years of friendly service

Leaving beautiful quotes on my office door

Reaching out to someone in need even though I was so much in need myself

Protecting a loved one from my bad news

Offering to coach a client‘s teenage daughter for free

Not letting my kids realize how broken my heart is right now so they don't have the burden of worry

Making my stomach ache go away and not ruining our trip

Holding my husband capable of going on a trip  and having fun without drinking anything

Saving someone’s flip flops from floating away in the ocean

Letting my heart swell with happiness for others

Not being envious or jealous of others good fortune or ease

Telling my husband exactly what I needed

Being kind to myself today and reading and relaxing and sleeping

Touching strangers arms more often and looking into their eyes and saying “Muchos Gracias”

It’s a whole bunch of things. And it feels good.

Today our first full day in Costa Rica the mood was light and good. We had a super relaxed day on the beach and pool. I was not at all expecting the beach to be so beautiful (or crowded!!!). The boys had two hour surf lessons and loved it but exhausting. They have three more day of surfing lessons. We swam in the waves with Beauty (huge huge waves) ate lunch the five of us for our second amazing meal, lay on the beach and read, swam at the pool, and now back at condo for some downtime.  We will walk down the strip tonight and find a cute local resto and buy some more groceries (three teens eat a lot!)  I love how obsessesed with saving money for us our kids are-we share all meals as they don’t want it to be expensive. Aww…

I love how our family is on vacation. I love how we treat each other.Time to be kind. To ourselves, to each other and to others.

The first part of our trip is mostly relaxed and leisurely and surfing. The second part is ADVENTURE. Zip lining in the jungle, white water rafting, canyoning done a waterfall, ATV’s at a volcano, crocodiles and monkey expedition on a kayak (still have not figured out how we don’t get eaten by a crocodile or two???)

Time to be Kind. Yes it is.

PS-I like to add at the end of blog how the evening (actually) went. The kids did not stay kind. Nope. Fights at dinner over us limiting technology at the condo-even though this was planned out for months. Breaks my heart what technology does to familiesL Anyways food was AWESOME (went for the traditional Coast Rician resto and was one of best meals ever eaten in my life) But the company kinda sucked. Oh Well! Wanted to share the reality. Hopefully this morning the grumpies (guess who???) are back to a better moods. Hint It is not Bear.

PSS-Pictures will likely only be added of trip after trip so come back!

PSSS-We have not taken a single picture yet. Feels weird but sooooo good just to live in the moment.

Where Pain Lands

We are here in the beautiful Costa Rica. In Tamarindo-surf capital!

We finally arrived!

A very long day yesterday getting up at 3:30am and we were here in our condo local time by 4pm (we are behind here by 2 hrs). Two plane rides through Houston Texas and a long ride from the airport Liberia to our condo.

The condo is gorgeous. I am so glad for my travel connection of Sister Savvy :) who led me to something excellentJ. I am proud of this trip as first time in my life I have planned out something this adventurous a-z. No hubby, no all-inclusive etc. I booked all condos/hotels; many adventure excursions, all drivers and transfers etc. Moi. I did this.

We got here exhausted but in very laid back and good moods. Did a few family huddles for closeness and bonding (Chases invented this) and settled into the condo. We then took a swim in the quiet and gorgeous pool and headed out to eat  at the first resto we could find which the kids begged us to eat at for some reason (I guess they have some good instincts!)

BEST PIZZA EVER OMG!!! And best Caesar salad and drinks too. YUMMY first meal. Then we went to the local “grocery store” to stock up for all snacks and breakfast foods and drinks. It is a small depanneur and we spent a fortune for crappy food but was a super fun and cultural experience for the kids. We slowly walked back to the condo and unpacked and got organised (A must for me to feel good is to be organised when travelling) . I then went to bed for the whole night. I was so exhausted I did not even say goodnight to anyone. It was 8:30am local time here and I slept and apparently snored my head off until 7:30am and was dead as doorknob)

Up bright and early this morning on our gorgeous balcony. PS it is HOT here.

Ok so that is where we are at now…but there is more to the story (hence the name of this blog)

For the 12 hrs before we hit the plane. What a mess. Seriously I think we were saved by a miracle that by the time we got on the plane all was in decent order. I woke up Thursday morning with a lot of indigestion a sore stomach. I survive discomfort well so did not make a big deal of it. Throughout the day progressively got worse and worse. By 4pm I was sick and in bed. Throwing up..the whole stomach bit etc. I cancelled mani and Pedi date with BeautyL Could not move. I basically spent until 2am in this stomach state and no sleep as I spent all hours mentally willing my body to heal before leaving for airport at 4pm. The mental part is exhausting. By 2:3am stomach was better and my back and neck in utter agony.

The pain travelled

The pain found a place

The pain found a place to land.

I then spend 2:30-3:30 am doing back and neck chiropractic exercise that I had little faith would help. I felt so sorry thinking of my mom and one of my BFF’s both in pain always…it made my heart bleed to think of what they both must go through so often.

By 4:30am and in taxi for airport. Cured. Done . Well.

Weak and exhausted mentally and physically and no sleep at all and hungry but well.

Miracle (well well deserved)

Then we get to airport and Bear says “I have a bad bad stomach ache and need to go throw up) He has to stand in line for two hours for customs in this state. Horrible. Can’t throw up.

Then we get to customs and for the second time in our life we are detained. Big X on hubby’s passport. Apparently same name as an America’s most Wanted???? OMG. They hold us while they “investigate “more …and literally if I was not as demanding and bossy and assertive as I am flight would have been missed. I pushed and pushed and pushed for them to expedite his search. They were very pissed and so was Hubby but I got us on flight with literally 30 seconds to spare. No bathroom, no muffin for me after 24 hrs no food, no toilet for Bear. No Starbucks and magazines or sunglasses. Running to plane. Made it (with finally 2 stale muffins)

And then Bear sat on plane in pain for about an hour in pain  and then he looked at me and said “I am good now”

And we both were.

We decided we needed to be good.

Pain landed somewhere else on someone else. Our turn is over.

The last 2 weeks for me have been kind of indescribable in so many ways. And painful. So much has happened in losing the career I always knew and that has been so much a part of my identity. So many emotions that demanded to be felt and so many emotions to be had that I had no time to feel. Opportunity after opportunity has literally knocked one by one on my door without any searching at all on m, part for the most part. There is an ocean of possibilities and this has put me in a state of frenzy. I have never ever been so active and busy in my life trying to make sense of it all. I am very very valued career wise and am learning this to the full extent . I seriously have no idea where I will land and this is very destabilizing for me (and exciting in a secret crazy way)

I always kind of knew this.

But I never wanted this until 5 yrs. From now.

I still don’t.

I did not want this. I don’t want this (yet)

I don’t want in my life (yet) what this is going to my life, my time, my family.

I have no need for exciting and destabilizing right yet

But sometimes in life what we want is not what we get. And sometimes life has other plans for us right?

I am just so thankful for the moment that I get this time in Costa Rica with my family to land. Together

And that pain has found another place to land for the moment.

Get out of our lives pain. Go away and Fuck you. As selfish as that may seem…..we have had enough.

I hope pain lands in a place far, far away. Underneath the earth and away from good people. That is the way it ought to be.

Baptism by Fire

I just wrote an amazing blog. Probably one of my best. I was about to post it and all the sudden by some technological nightmare. Pouf! Gone!

Ironically a bit like the life I have always known. The disappearance of this blog today is no different than what I have been living the last week and a half.

I have been baptized by fire. Into a whole new world. Whether I like it or not.

And I can choose to sit here and painfully re-write three pages of a blog that was magnificent and let all my concerned readers know where I am at-or I can move onto plan B which will be a few short words about the state of my current disaster.

I chose plan B.

(I actually chose plan C which barely says anything at all).

What did you do in situations like this?

You live them.

So she will go to Coast Rica next Friday for 10 days on her dream vacation that doesn’t feel like such a dream anymore, where her heart is not even mildly into it.

She will have her long awaited book published in London and all over Amazon and many other forums net week or the next. Instead of dancing from the rooftops as expected “More life, Please!” will exist on its own for a couple of weeks.

And then she will return.

With fire in her belly.

It is so.

And she will get her act together.

And she will outdo anything she ever thought possible and completely explore her potential which she and everyone around her have no doubt that she possess.

It is so.

And she? She? Will Kick Ass in her career that she will plan and execute. 5 yrs. earlier than she ever wanted to-which really really pisses her off.

She will get over her feeling of being lost, and alienation and sadness and melancholy and standing alone and being separate. She will get over her trust issues and everything else that a career loss after 11 yrs. does to a person.

And she will come back. To herself. And take this to the next level.

Of course she will. She has had more than enough practice in the areas of resilience and coping-life has ensured that for this girl. Lucky her? And for anyone who loses a career out there, it is traumatic on so many levels. But not even comparable to the threatened state of your daughters health, your mom’s health your marriage and your husband’s health simultaneously. This lucky girl gets to experience all of them. Every single one. Yay?

I guess 2014 set me up for 2015?

And I feel it is high time I am given a little break-don’t you think? I can feel it……life has some pretty awesome plans in store for me upcoming after I get over this crisis. I am pretty secretly excited on some small hidden level to take it all on. I feel I am so deserving . I feel like life really owes me this. I truly do.

Just you watch me succeed in ways that are unimaginable 
You just watch me provide this world with some ridiculous value

This I know for sure.

When Weekends are Week Ends No More

I always knew one day I would write a blog named this.

I had it all planned out neatly in a compartment of my life and brain. My daughter would be 17 yrs. old, my eldest son would probably be moving out, I would have energy and fire in me, and I would be ready and excited and willing to take on the career future that would make me rich.

I had a plan.

Life had other plans for me.

I was made aware on Wednesday at 11am that my position no longer existed at the large Global Pharmaceutical compnay I work for where I have held management and leadership roles over the last 11 yrs. I along with approx. 43 others Associates were laid off as part of a large head office corporate restructuring. Friday was my last day.

And all the sudden everything I ever knew-everything I ever was-feels gone.

Today I think it hit me the most as I walked zombie like all day through my daughters ski competition where I was forced to volenteer all day due to a prior commitment that was not fair to break. I functioned but I felt almost dead inside, almost not part of the living as I watched people around me talk and laugh and chat.

I sat on the sidelines of a life that used to be mine.

I now sit alone.

I am grieving. This I know for sure.

And like any huge unexpected stage and change in life I will go through all the stages before I can make sense of this, accept it, and feel alive again and well. Losing a career like mine is no piece of cake; it feels like someone just took the rug beneath my feet and ripped it from under them. If there is no carpet, and it is pulled so quickly what happens? Do I fall? Do I stand on the hardwood floor? Do I faint? Do I get back up?

I can honestly say that over the last 72 hrs I have felt every single emotion possible in the world. Deep and truly. And I have been awake the 72 hrs to feel them one by one. I went to my office at 3:45 am just to give myself the time to exit the right way, to make sure I had that time-to do it in a way that belonged to me and made me proud. And to do that along with cleaning our my office, wrapping up my files, doing a proper knowledge transfer and hugging more than 80 people who personally came to hug me, cry, express their gratitude, sadness and share with me how I had made a difference in their lives. I knew that if I wanted to do it all, I needed to be there all night. And so I did.

Laser focus. My personal brand

And so it was. High high emotion, anger, gratitude, sadness, excitement, confrontation, authenticity, goodbyes, hellos, truths, lies, confidence, humiliation, grief, hope, wonder, regrets,.

It was so.

I will never ever be able to accurately explain what happened in those two days. I know I never will. I lived so fully would be the only way I could describe it. And I accessed in those around me so many profound things-so many profound emotions. I honestly think at least a dozen people are transformed due to that day. I had an impact.

We made it count.

Together. At at time that I have never felt so separate I was able to still be the team.

I have never felt as complete as I did in the 2 days.

And have never ever felt as incomplete.

And I can honestly say I had never predicated I could be so authentic and so full of grace in a situation that could have brought me to my knees

Trust the Process. Trust Him. I kept repeating and repeating in my head.

And in the end I did trust

And in the end I did write heartfelt emails from the bottom of my heart, I accepted the kindness, I accepted the love and admiration, I accepted the absurdity of the situation that I was the one  comforting so many crying people in and out of my office for 48 hrs without barely a moment to myself to transfer files because they kept pouring in. The irony of how many people were grieving my departure when it was the who made the choice. They did this to me.

I accepted that although it was goodbye-it was also hello.

I allowed myself to live fully

I allowed myself to grieve fully

With them and in front of them

As I gave back my company property and turned my key for the final time in my door, I felt so much. As all the boxes got transported into the minivan my husband brought to help me-I left the beloved building for my final time as an employee. However I knew deep deep deep in my heart it was not a final goodbye. There is yet to come and a path and partnership to discover. If I want it-it is there for my taking .It is mine.

Since Jan 1 2014 so much has happened. The kids  made a list in the car last night  to just address the irony  and absurdity of it all. Instead of crying sometimes laughter is the best medicine. (and of course in between all these big things-all the other normal stressful things happened: financial worries, eyebrows falling out, illness, failing exams, having three teens drive us carry, etc..etc..etc..)

-Get big new promotion

-Major personal upheaval with Hubby that will remain private but changed the entire course of both our lives and lasted a full 13 months and will be part of us forever and ever and go on really forever

-Mom (my most beloved) brain injury that she is still deeply suffering from 18 months later

-Daughter diagnosed with scoliosis and in brace 20 hrs a day for 3 yrs. and spinal fusion was a question mark until last moth less probable.

-Robbery

-Beauty’s car accident

-Hubby waking up and falling unconcious and ambulance

-Going to court

-Being laid off from a major career at a major global pharmaceautifl campnay after 11 yrs.

-Fire

Yes you read it all right. You did. And yes we are still alive. All of these above happened in the last 15 months-and most if the sequentially within a few days of eachother wih no recovery time in between. Last night after leaving my office, getting in the car with my husband, driving home with boxes and boxes in our truck of the last 11 yrsr of my life, I got home and went to bed. I wrapped myself in flannel pjs and sheets and closed my eyes to feel and to cry.

To grieve. To sleep after 48 hours of hell. We both closed our eyes and my husband leaned into hold his broken wife

“Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Bear

And we ran down and the  stove and some of our kitchen was on fire. We got it put out after about 10 mins. And what did we do then?

We went back to bed. We ate our dinner at the kitchen table with the house reeking of smoke, we left all the dishes undone, the walls and plates and cups full of black asks, the house filled with aftermaths  of fire.

And we drove away. To our place of escape. To the cottage.It has honestly juts been too much.

There will be time to clean up the mess like we always do-but it is not for now. In between all the sadness, and chaos and the crazy hands life has dealt us:

We chose to live.

And we will.

And I will.

We have one of the closet families I know. We get to have this. Isn't this what matters most?

I somehow have the hope that after all the obstacles life has laid before us in such a short time that soon it will be our turn for good things, great things to happen. Sometimes I have a vision of just somebody/anybody/an angel giving me a gift, or a break, and saying “Hey you know what-this is a great and golden opportunity for you and it will make your life a bit easier-here is an opportunity that I give you because a good  girl like you doesn’t deserve all of this” I have a vision of an angel juts taking care of me for once instead of me taking care of everyone else. Of letting life be easier for a bit.

And I will accept all of these blessings with open arms and gratitude knowing we have by far earned them in every sense of the word. I will accept any blessing that is offered to me. I am and will continue to patiently be waiting for our turn to be OK.More than OK.

I was laid off. And I  know I won’t let this destroy me. But right now it is hard to believe it won’t.

It’s hard to believe that weekends will ever feel the same and as luscious and indulgent and lovely……..when during the weekdays I won’t be going into the place where I worked my ass off  with the goal of  earning and appreciating the weekends that I deserved and cherished.

Mondays will never be the same.

And I will need to accept and live that fact.

Tasty Life

I adore weekends. I adore the week too for many reasons-but there is something just awesome about a weekend to charge your batteries and energize you around the people you love and get you back in the mental place you need to be for  another big work week.

Both are needed to make the other special. Weekends are special because the career week is so demanding and weeks are needed as given too much time off with family or for hobbies it is not even a fraction as appreciated.

I did not have a fabulous week. At all.

By Friday night I was burnt and was really contemplating not even going to the cottage at our usual 9:30 pm (early as usually it is 11pm!). But Chase has a job and both  he and his parents have massive work ethic. We packed and went.

We stopped for a late dinner at McDonalds at 10:15 pm . The five of us all exhausted and spent from our weeks and our day. And we had a blast!!! We laughed soooo much and wrestled over Easter Egg McFlurries..Hubby ended back in line three times to get more and everyone was looking at us wondering if we were all drunk (we were not!) It was crazy and silly and fun and just turned my mood right around. I just adore this family and the older they get the more fun it becomes.

Over dinner we all had a long discussion about the fact that Chase makes 11$  an hour and although at the ski hill for 8 hrs often only has 1-3 hrs so work and so he can make as little as 11 dollars or as much as 33$. And then he usually spends it right after the hill on Tim Hortons or a sandwich or a poutine! The irony! He admitted that he thinks in terms of hours worked now when he spends money vs in terms of cash..it was fun to hear him articulate it like that.  And then he said something that will stick with me.

“Life just have so many tasty things!”

Ain’t that true childJ

And I love the way you see it

And I adamantly agree.

So damn tasty life can be.

And this kid impresses me to no end. Second letter of acceptance to CEGEP yesterday in his first choice programJ two down and one left to go. And his grandma said she saw him in the village yesterday while he was getting his haircut and she was at the depanneur and he ran to her and flung himself in her arms and said “Didi!”. He is so loving. And then tonight after dinner he has a party with the ski monitors and asked his Dad if they can stop and get a couple of beers which is fine with us at 17.5 yrs. Then I heard him shuffling in his room and came up with a knapsack and a little bashful and shy. I was worried as why did he need a knapsack on his back without the beer yet in it? What was in it? I asked him to show me as I had a horrible thought that maybe he had drugs in his room or something!!! Had our lenience and coolness with teens backfired?

And he opens his back with a shy grin and he says “I took one of Dad’s non-alcoholic beers and ripped the part off that it says non-alcoholic…just in case I feel pressured to drink more than 1 beer I will have it”.

God bless this child’s soul. What an amazing example for his siblings. He is a star. And so smart and responsible and safe. I adore this about him.

And our others two kids are adorable this weekend too. Beauty with her huge social life and big bowls of popcorn and her big hugs and questions about Bears break up with his adored girlfriend. Bear sleeping in until 1pm today and him going and doing 4 hrs of homework without needing to be even encouraged and his big funny grin and messy hair. All the little tickle fights and silly jokes and laughing.

When it comes down to it-we just have a grand time together (I would say a good 80% of the time) the other 20% not so much. But this fun together makes me so so happy and proud and they all listen to us and respect us and most of the time even agree with us and our point of view-it is shocking to me. When they were little I always felt second best as a Mom-feel I could do much better. But as a mom and dad of teens we really feel we have the right formula going here-it  is exactly (so far) as we planned it out. It’s all paying off. More and more we are moving to democracy and just figuring it all out together as we go along. And so far it is working really well. I hope that stays. I hope that we will have the smooth sailing with Bear and Beauty that we have had with Chase. It has been such a pleasure (most days of the week with many off days). But in general will always look back to his teen’s years with fondness. He graduates from high school in a few months! Past 18 yrs old not much bad teen stuff can happen then right???? (or am I wrong???) I guess my assumption is by that age they are adults and make the decision that are right for them.

It gives me glimpses into the future and the time we will spend with them as they are adults with their own lives. I am quite sure my instincts are right and we will be a very close family both in an emotional sense and a physical proximity sense. It just makes sense to me and I have the feeling to them too. It seems to be what we all want and will aim for . We have the cottage life to thank for this. I won’t sell the cottage unless wild horses take it away. No way. It is the foundation of our couple and our family.

My career and demanding schedule have always allowed me to feel so grateful for the shorter but really sweet times I have with my family on the weekend. My career has always allowed me to feel blessed and grateful for this time in a way I never felt on maternity leaves etc. when I took it all so much for granted and the abundance of time with the kids did not work with my instinct to want to work and have a career outside of my home.

My one hope will always remain to have this balance of work and home in my life.

This formula we have worked so hard to build is magical and feels so right and good for all of us.

Where the week is the week and for work. And weekends are for us.

what I know for sure is that this is the kind of family that does best when we are all super busy and high achieving in the week and all look forward to that down time individually and together on the weekends.

I hope all my foundation is solid and strong and trustworthy. I hope I can trust in it. I hope I can trust in the process.

Pain Demands to be Felt

I adore this expression-probably one of my favorite of all time

Pain demands to be Felt

How true indeed

You can run and hide. You can try to get away from it, or not feel it. But really in the end it catches up with you and it needs to be experienced. You won’t move forward if you won’t let the pain in-and forward is the only place to go.

So today at 5:15am I woke up and my pain demanded to be felt. From 5:15am-7:15am-I felt it.

Was it that I forgot to wake my son for his skiing outing all day because I am so preoccupied, was it that I forgot my daughter was at a sleepover and went to see her in her room to kiss her, was it that my son got his second acceptance to college and I was not even that excited, was it that I am so tired that even cuddling with my husband at night is a huge effort and I never manage take the time?

Was it that I have been sick for three weeks with a cold and also have major back and neck pain, that I feel like I want to be at work more than home lately, that I am not able to look forward to our trip to Costa Rica that we have been planning for many years, or that I feel we don’t have enough money to go?

Was it that I realized I have never felt happier or more peaceful in my lifetime at this moment in my career and at home and I  wanted time to freeze and not change a thing? Was it that happiness my career gives me and the realization of just how good  and powerful I am at what I do? Was it all the things I cannot say on this blog? Or all the things I have said? Was it because I know exactly what I want, or have no idea at all? Was it because I have good instincts or have none at all?

All I know is that the pain was demanding to be felt

The tears were flowing

And my word of 2105 kept coming to mind and also demanding to be felt

Flow

And that very word-its very essence scaring the living life out of me. The grey zone, trusting the process, trusting the people around me are well intentioned and kind and trustworthy. Trusting the process.Truly trusting it.

I felt it all

And it demanded to be felt.

On the one and only morning that I allowed myself f to set my alarm for one hour later, the one day in 3 months I slept in with no kids to drive to school and a decision to not work before I go into work for an hour. The coveted sleep and I use it for pain and to cry?

I used it to trust the process

I used it to trust in this universe

I used it for these things simply because the universe demanded me to do so.

I gave up control and set it all out to the universe. And for the very first time in my life I think I really really prayed.

 

Have Faith and the Rest Will Follow

What I have learnt this week is we all believe in different things but the bottom line is: Faith helps.

Those who do have faith in something somehow have comfort and solace and maybe even better outcomes. For some that could be traditional religion, for others a belief in nature, for some a belief in the power of spirits or memories, other lucky charms, others mantras, some sacred blessings to injured knees to heal, wishes sent to the sky for nannies passed away, wishes for fathers to try harder to do better in death than in life.

You just got to have faith.

That things will be ok. That they will turn out ok.

That everything will be allright in the END. And if it is not….. It is not the end.

I have lots of faith and many lucky symbols. I pray thorough Sister Savvy all the time for important things and even less important things (cool she lets me eh???). I pray to Soulkeeper’s mom Catherine who died when we were teenagers and now her precious Nanny too who we are convinced has teamed up with my Dad as a threesome to watch over our two families (we find great comfort in this as both of us had parents who had a hard time on their life on earth parenting us ). I use my lucky charm necklace for health stuff and surgeries and my Knowing perfume which I lost recently to be in “the know”.

I have a bendable monkey on my sink that I twist his body in the direction of my heart or purpose and a bald stress man that I squeeze when I want to throw my kids across a room. I have a lucky work charm bracelet and a power interview suit. I have lucky underwear too of course. New thing is standing like a super hero for 5 mins before important eventsJ

We all do it differently-but really it all comes down to the same thing: hoping and praying that this world will be kind with us and allow us to continue living well and inhabiting the bodies we live in well.

Just got to have faith. Whatever that means to you. It feels good and is a comfort. And who does not need a bit of those two things? Bring it on!

And ps-I lost my 7 yr pen two months ago and searched and searched for it for weeks. Today it turns up. At 10:01am. Lucky /Smart Girl. That was a real sign.