I always knew one day I would write a blog named this.
I had it all planned out neatly in a compartment of my
life and brain. My daughter would be 17 yrs. old, my eldest son would probably
be moving out, I would have energy and fire in me, and I would be ready and
excited and willing to take on the career future that would make me rich.
I had a plan.
Life
had other plans for me.
I was made aware on Wednesday at 11am that my position no
longer existed at the large Global Pharmaceutical compnay I work for where I
have held management and leadership roles over the last 11 yrs. I along with
approx. 43 others Associates were laid off as part of a large head office
corporate restructuring. Friday was my last day.
And
all the sudden everything I ever knew-everything I ever was-feels gone.
Today I think it hit me the most as I walked zombie like
all day through my daughters ski competition where I was forced to volenteer
all day due to a prior commitment that was not fair to break. I functioned but
I felt almost dead inside, almost not part of the living as I watched people
around me talk and laugh and chat.
I sat on the sidelines of a life that used to be mine.
I now sit alone.
I am grieving. This
I know for sure.
And like any huge unexpected stage and change in life I
will go through all the stages before I can make sense of this, accept it, and
feel alive again and well. Losing a career like mine is no piece of cake; it
feels like someone just took the rug beneath my feet and ripped it from under
them. If there is no carpet, and it is pulled so quickly what happens? Do I
fall? Do I stand on the hardwood floor? Do I faint? Do I get back up?
I can honestly say that over the last 72 hrs I have felt
every single emotion possible in the world. Deep and truly. And I have been
awake the 72 hrs to feel them one by one. I went to my office at 3:45 am just
to give myself the time to exit the right
way, to make sure I had that time-to do it in a way that belonged to me and
made me proud. And to do that along with cleaning our my office, wrapping up my
files, doing a proper knowledge transfer and hugging more than 80 people who
personally came to hug me, cry, express their gratitude, sadness and share with
me how I had made a difference in their lives. I knew that if I wanted to do it
all, I needed to be there all night. And so I did.
Laser
focus. My personal brand
And so it was. High high emotion, anger, gratitude, sadness,
excitement, confrontation, authenticity, goodbyes, hellos, truths, lies,
confidence, humiliation, grief, hope, wonder, regrets,.
It was so.
I will never ever be able to accurately explain what
happened in those two days. I know I never will. I lived so fully would be the only way I could describe it. And I
accessed in those around me so many profound things-so many profound emotions.
I honestly think at least a dozen people are transformed due to that day. I had
an impact.
We made it count.
Together. At at time that I have never felt so separate I
was able to still be the team.
I have never felt as complete as I did in the 2 days.
And have never ever felt as incomplete.
And I can honestly say I had never predicated I could be
so authentic and so full of grace in a situation that could have brought me to
my knees
Trust
the Process. Trust Him. I kept repeating and repeating in my
head.
And in the end I did trust
And in the end I did write heartfelt emails from the
bottom of my heart, I accepted the kindness, I accepted the love and
admiration, I accepted the absurdity of the situation that I was the one comforting so many crying people in and out of
my office for 48 hrs without barely a moment to myself to transfer files
because they kept pouring in. The irony of how many people were grieving my
departure when it was the who made the choice. They did this to me.
I accepted that although it was goodbye-it was also
hello.
I allowed myself to live fully
I allowed myself to grieve fully
With them and in front of them
As I gave back my company property and turned my key for
the final time in my door, I felt so much. As all the boxes got transported into
the minivan my husband brought to help me-I left the beloved building for my
final time as an employee. However I knew deep deep deep in my heart it was not
a final goodbye. There is yet to come and a path and partnership to discover.
If I want it-it is there for my taking .It is mine.
Since Jan 1 2014 so much has happened. The kids made a list in the car last night to just address the irony and absurdity of it all. Instead of crying
sometimes laughter is the best medicine. (and of course in between all these
big things-all the other normal stressful things happened: financial worries, eyebrows
falling out, illness, failing exams, having three teens drive us carry,
etc..etc..etc..)
-Get big new promotion
-Major personal upheaval with Hubby that will remain
private but changed the entire course of both our lives and lasted a full 13
months and will be part of us forever and ever and go on really forever
-Mom (my most beloved) brain injury that she is still
deeply suffering from 18 months later
-Daughter diagnosed with scoliosis and in brace 20 hrs a
day for 3 yrs. and spinal fusion was a question mark until last moth less probable.
-Robbery
-Beauty’s car accident
-Hubby waking up and falling unconcious and ambulance
-Going to court
-Being laid off from a major career at a major global
pharmaceautifl campnay after 11 yrs.
-Fire
Yes you read it all right. You did. And yes we are still
alive. All of these above happened in the last 15 months-and most if the
sequentially within a few days of eachother wih no recovery time in between.
Last night after leaving my office, getting in the car with my husband, driving
home with boxes and boxes in our truck of the last 11 yrsr of my life, I got
home and went to bed. I wrapped myself in flannel pjs and sheets and closed my
eyes to feel and to cry.
To grieve. To sleep after 48 hours of hell. We both
closed our eyes and my husband leaned into hold his broken wife
“Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
screamed Bear
And we ran down and the stove and some of our kitchen was on fire. We
got it put out after about 10 mins. And what did we do then?
We
went back to bed. We ate our dinner at the kitchen table with
the house reeking of smoke, we left all the dishes undone, the walls and plates
and cups full of black asks, the house filled with aftermaths of fire.
And
we drove away. To our place of escape. To the cottage.It
has honestly juts been too much.
There will be time to clean up the mess like we always
do-but it is not for now. In between all the sadness, and chaos and the crazy
hands life has dealt us:
We chose to live.
And we will.
And I will.
We have one of the closet families I know. We get to have
this. Isn't this what matters most?
I somehow have the hope that after all the obstacles life
has laid before us in such a short time that soon it will be our turn for good
things, great things to happen. Sometimes I have a vision of just somebody/anybody/an
angel giving me a gift, or a break, and saying “Hey you know what-this is a
great and golden opportunity for you and it will make your life a bit
easier-here is an opportunity that I give you because a good girl like you doesn’t deserve all of this” I
have a vision of an angel juts taking care of me for once instead of me taking
care of everyone else. Of letting life be easier for a bit.
And I will accept all of these blessings with open arms
and gratitude knowing we have by far earned them in every sense of the word. I
will accept any blessing that is offered to me. I am and will continue to
patiently be waiting for our turn to be OK.More than OK.
I was laid off. And I know I won’t let this destroy me. But right
now it is hard to believe it won’t.
It’s hard to believe that weekends will ever feel the
same and as luscious and indulgent and lovely……..when during the weekdays I won’t
be going into the place where I worked my ass off with the goal of earning and appreciating the weekends that I deserved
and cherished.
Mondays will never be the same.
And I will need to accept and live that fact.
