Up a Little Higher

And we'll go up , up, up

But I'll fly a little higher,

Go up in the clouds, because the views's a little nicer

Up here, my dear

It won't be long now, it won't be long now

(ps  lyrics symbolizing  my career and not death!)

I don’t have  even have a picture-and am glad I don’t.

Some things are made to stay just in our hearts in life

These special ladies surrounded me with so much diversity and so much specialness. It was a gift to spend 2 days and an overnight with them all. To get to see who my Mom loves too…makes my heart expand.

I have always wanted to know my Mom’s friends. For so many years has been a missing link for me for someone I am so close too-to be further from the world she inhabits when she is so close to mine in so many ways . I like that for the last few years I have gotten to know her world more closely through the different birthday parties we had and now through these two days at the cottage with her buddies.

On the second day specifically it was as cool for me as they were all so interested in what I do for work and specifically the book I wrote. It was like a professional  panel of people asking me question after question and asking me to expand on so many ways I preach and also live my life. I loved every second of it and really was intellectually stimulating for me too. I miss working at a large company for these types of conversations that I used to have daily-and was happy to engage it in for that day.

Felt a bit like a paparazziJ))))

And was cool for my Mom to see me in that element. My more work/speaker element. We all hold ourselves back from our parents a bit in life don’t we? Don’t let them indulge too much in the full potential capabilities we have? Don’t let them in on our full potential?

Was interesting for me to observe her observing me through their eyes.

And one so much on her journey on vulnerability and authenticity and so clearly open to the world around us and what it has to offer and what she gives it back specifically with her mind and heart  so fully tuned in and engaged.

The other so connected spiritually to the world and striving to combine prayer and action in her beautiful, direct yet soft way.

The other so trusting of life and accepting-a quality that is so rare and wonderful and unique and so powerful-a powerful loving curious nature she has.

The last-the one I know the least who touched me so profoundly when she said “ I wish you were my mom” could there be a sweeter compliment? And her hugs so unexpected and true. It touched me to the core.

They all did

.

And seeing my Mom amongst them. Loved. Loving. Her own world…a world apart from me. Her world.

They all want to buy a copy of my book. They will all get a copy next week-that is certain-but will be my gift to them. They gave me so many gifts that day (more than they could know).

Most importantly  they are all getting VIP front seat tickets to my “Lauren -Kate solves the problems of  the world 1 minute flat!!” future TV showJ))

Jealousy

My husband is mighty jealous tonight. He will be tomorrow too.

Is it because I have a hunky new guy flirting with me?

Is it because I am getting to close to a male friend?

Making more money than him lately?

No. No. No.

It is because I am at the cottage for two days without him. In 30 degree weather. And this to him is far worse than anything aboveJ

For the first time since the layoff-I feel lucky today for the flexibility in my schedule and the life I may be able to get used to.

Once a summer I always lend the cottage to my Mom and her buddies for 5 days. Today she arrived with five of her friends and I am staying with them today and tomorrow and leaving end of afternoon.

I am having a Fab timeJ))))) this is super fun to get to know all of these great ladies better.  My Mom has such diverse and nice friends and it is a treat to get to hang out with them.

Was funny as was putting on my pyjamas for dinner (always do this at cottage or anywhere else if I am honest!) As I was putting them on I thought to myself “maybe it is rude to wear pyjamas when you are a guest at dinner?” then I realized that it is my cottage after all! Pyjamas it was.

Most of these ladies love to read too and so have been talking about books a lot. Religion too-had some great conversations at the table over a delicious meal that Laura made. Topped it off with homemade chocolate chip cookies she made. Tomorrow is banana muffins for breakfast. Yummy.

So Hubby yes you may be feeling jealous. I feel bad for you, but I feel good for me.

For the first time in almost 4 months I am claiming a couple of days back for myself. In the sun. Doing something so totally out of my normal routine. Maybe this is what a severance package is supposed to be???

The sweet feel of summer. Caressing my senses. Indulging my heart. Even a prayer or two thrown in there just because it felt good.

I feel good. The heavy blanket of last week is starting to lift. Sunshine is waiting.

Mama Bear's 65th in Pictures

I have the best Mom.

And my kids have the best grandmother

Point. Finale.

She is as integrated into our lives as any one of the five of us.

I love her so so so so much. She is and always has been my everything.

She is not too healthyL Many many medical issues for many many years. She looks o young but inside she is hurting too often.

Add a concussion on top of that 18 months  and post-concussion syndrome and then another concussion and you have a messy situation.

I don’t talk about it much anymore because it just breaks my heart to feel it:(.

Every wish I have is for her to be out of pain.

On July 1st was her surprise 65^th. It was truly beautiful.

With the rain and her not feeling well that day I was sure the day was doomed-but it was wonderful.

How could it not be with her at the center?

I Think a Mistake Might have Occurred Here?

Like right here. In my present life.

Everything is out of order and nothing seems the same.

Hey Doc..what happened?

I don’t take showers at 4pm in the afternoon

I don’t take a break from 12-2pm and eat lunch and suntan in my pool

And I certainly don’t work Friday evenings until 10pm..Because I just feel like it.

I don’t book appointments on what is supposed to be a vacation day

I treasure weekends don’t I?

I don’t start work at 7am. I start at 9:30 am

When I wake up of course I know what day it is of the week don't I? It’s not possible that most days of the weak it’s a blur and I have no clue?

I don’t ever wish that the day would be shorter than longer do I?

I would certainly not be living in a perpetual shade of grey would I with no idea of what is next and hoping for the best?

Could it be possible that I would trust the process and go with the flow? Well and successfully?

Could it even be possible that I have not had a minute to design a LinkedIn profile because people have been reaching out to me constantly professionally?

Did I actually go and eat Thai food by at a lakeside restaurant with Chase and my Protector in the middle of the day and not look at my watch or phone once to see what time it is? (Ok I don’t own a watch just thought sounded goodJ)

Did I just follow my own intuition today and not plan the day and just go with it? Work, read, blog, work, Thai, eat with kids, work again.

Did I offer to make dinner for 8 teens????? And enjoy cooking  it

Did I look out to my driveway and see no car there and be ok with sharing my car with Chase? Not stress about the fact that I had to be somewhere at 6:30pm and had no way to get there except by foot?

Doctor….something is going on.

I can’t say if these are bad symptoms or good systems yet doc. Time will tell. Let’s see how this disease progresses ok?

Is it possible to be yourself and not recognize yourself and your life?

Is it possible to inhabit a routine that is so foreign to your soul?

Is it possible to not know if you love or hate it? Or maybe a bit of both

I smile when I least expect it

Crying creeps up on me

Doctor Doctor…..I have a bad case...of just too much change. I think I might be allergic to transition. I have cravings for stability. Can you prescribe some peace and joy while you are at it? Give my teens some pills to slow down their aging process? Keep them littler for me?

I think doctor that if you just gave me a chance to take breaths in between big changes all would be good.

Yes that would be just fine.

Thank you.

And PS-maybe this is my new life? My new normal?

PSS-maybe I even like it ? (a little)

Still

What is it that feeling..why so heavy on my heart and so often here?

No matter what is going on beautiful on the outside, it is still  there inside of me.

Joy and Peace are there so often but they are fleeting too. I can’t seem to capture them fully. They fly away from me. Shall I chase them more? Follow them?

Everything is always right, but there is a weight on my heart.

I try to get rid of it, but it comes back and then won’t leave again.

Do other people have this too? I feel so alone so often.

I watch people laugh but don’t always feel like joining

I watch people be free but feel trapped

I always want more, but have no clue what More is because quite frankly I have it all.

Maybe I too have ADHD? A friend suggested that to me the other day and as crazy as it sounded for one of the most organized and focused people she knows there as an element there that resonated-with both of us.

Why can’t I stop searching? What am I searching for? Will I ever find it?

I don’t want to be searching anymore.

I don’t want to be thinking all the time

I don’t want to be feeling that joy and peace are for others and not for me

I want my insides to match my outsides

I want to live fully

But I don’t seem to know how-as close as I get this feeling always comes back

How can you capture something if you don’t even really know what you are chasing?

And what if you don’t even want to be chasing anymore and you just want to feel still.

Be still.

Be happy. With your abundance of blessings.

Be grateful for everything you have that everyone else would cut off a leg to have.

Keeping it real.

Letting you all in

Into what is going on today inside

Another Layer?

Lately the universe has amazed me in various ways.

I am starting to believe there are layers that are unknown to me. It has always been this way for me..Spiritual on many levels, but not traditionally religious at all.

However lately there have been a series of events that have made this other layer idea more pronounced. My mind is taking me to places that I am not willing it to go. My subconscious is on overdrive.

One of my BFF’s and I the other day really talked about fate, and destiny and lessons the universe wants us to learn. Both of us agreed that likely we look towards spirituality and religion to explain what seems inexplicable at some point in our lives. We both agreed for us that we could picture ourselves becoming religious one day if tragedy hit and we needed some serious comfort and something to hang onto.

And what is wrong with comfort?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Religion appeals to me in many ways. And turns me off in so many ways too. A paradox.  

Lately I am realizing there is a whole other layer out there for me. Some of it more spiritual in nature and most of it just a life I have not yet experienced. Different crowds, different values, different interests. A different life is out there.

I just have not been ready to access it yet. Neither am I ready to access it now…yet.

But I will be.

In  Sept Hubby and I are getting serious about fitness and health (will be first time in my life that I take it to this level) the beginning of a whole new world.

If I wasn’t so afraid of what I would hear. I would go to a psychic that has been recommended that could read the future entirely.

Music in my heart. Ink in my pen.

There is a part of my personality I really want to give up (too private for the  public blog). If I can do it –it will set me free. And there are parts of me I want to let further in. I am off to a really good start on this one. Really good. It feels foreign but amazing. Sometimes lately I don’t recognize who I am . Taking the foundation from beneath someone (career, health of child, health of mom, changed marriage dynamic) really does wonders in terms of transformation. You have no choice then to adapt and change.

I am a work in progress-and I trust I will always be. That other layer of life is awaiting me. I am curious and excited to meet it.

A Walk in the Rain after Work

Why did we Walk Home in the Rain Today?

After work-Hubby and I decided to meet half way by walking on the lakeshore in the rain with our umbrellas. It was really nice actually. Never in our lives have we done this; nor ever did my schedule permit this indulgence at the end of the day.

Things have changed.

It was a lovely sweet walk-but why we did it???

We don’t have a car tonight!!!

Because this boy of ours took it to his girlfriends because:

HE GOT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE TODAY!!!!!

The blog is all about Chase lately, but I can’t help it! Graduation! Cegep Registration! Prom! Driver’s license! Financial advisor yesterday to open a stock and mutual fund account with job money he got from his ski instructor job this winter! Chase! OMG

He has had his learners permit for a year now-but very different feeling when we are in the car. Thankfully we all deem him a very safe and excellent driver so not so worried but it’s an odd feeling tonight to know that is driving around in our car.

Tonight he went to surprise his girlfriend (purposefully did not tell her his test was in the next few weeks) He wore the suit he worth to prom and went and picked he up in our carJ)) and he took her out to dinner and treated her to Jukebox. They are coming back her soon to tell us all about it. When he got license he immediately dropped Hubby at work and drive to two of his buddy’s homes to show off.

It was a really cool day. Life will change around here..he will now do more errands for us, tomorrow he is picking up Beauty and her BFF for and event from their camp, he will be asking us day and night to use one of the cars and we will get tons lots of fights about that as most often we need two cars, we will worry more when he is out, we will sleep less.

A new phase of life has begun.

It’s all gonna be okJ