Couples Retreat

I have always loved this alone week at the cottage with my husband ( 6 days to be exact ) We have had it for a decade now yearly and cherish it . We think it even beats going on vacation together .. Or very very close anyways 

This summer we did not think we would have it as only one camper  in the family, left but both boys decided to leave for jobs for summer so all three away the same week .

And it is really heavenly . Truly . We feel that someone else is in charge of our kids ( false as both boys in charge of other people's kids actually ! ) but nevertheless we feel carefree in some ways these 6 days .

I hide my phone on myself . We buy treats we would never usually eat . We often sleep in until 10:30. We talk and laugh in bed until often 11:30am .  We go to bed as late as we feel like it often 1:30am .We eat as simple some days as a bowl of cereal for dinner  and other days fancy bbqs and pastas. We watch funny movies together and sad ones too . We boat and sail and kayak and take naps in the sun in eachothers arms .

We have our vacation morning rituals too. We express gratitude daily and set our intentions for the day . We say a prayer to our angels in heaven ( all parents and granparents we lost except my mom who is still living ) and have faith they they get us through (or ones we love through )the more difficult times of life . We stretch in the morning as our backs and necks hurt as we age .

We sleep outside on the bali bed dock on the lake and laugh that absolutely nobody but us would want to do this ( aka me forcing hubby and he ends up liking it ! )

We book future trips ( yay for a new place in turks in novemeber ! ) and make dreams come true ( machu pichu trek for hubby in october ) and we make plans of how to pay for it all ( lots and lots of career plans and projects and hard work and extra hours )

We make plans about our lives and our schedules and how to improve them to ensure we are putting our values into action and staying well and happy and healthy as much as possible 

We fight and yell and tickle and laugh. We love and resent , worry and cherish. Its all one big melting pot of 20 years of shared history and 3 children together .

This  couple week is as essential as oxygen to us . We need time alone and without these types of getaways - don't have it

We try as hard as we can to  not feel any (until your elsest son of course calls from the hosptial in Bromont far away and says he has broken his wrist biking and your worry comes all back )

Until you let go a little more together and allow him to handle it in his own different , confusing, annoying and unique responsible way on his own ( a whole other blog ) 

And you try not to look and worry about schedules and just anticipate us all finally being together for a weekend ( until your middle son calls to say that he wants to discuss the weekend with you later ) uh oh !

You have learned to love them together since the moment they were born ( and you reminisce about these beautiful memories many times this week of their birth stories and cradling them in your arms and feeling it is not possible to be happier than seeing your newborn baby in his daddys arms )and you learn to let them go together too ( which may be the hardest thing you will both need to do together but managing pretty well so far)

All you know is that you always were .. You are .. And you always will be just that : in this crazy life ... Together .

And that ? Feels right .

Despite all the uncertainties and obstacles and worry and sometimes fear and doubt. Many other times such love and intimacy and closeness 

Like a week like this week that we wish would go on forever . For the first time ( sssshhh ) not even sure we want to get the kids back so soon !!!

It is right . And that .. You know for sure 

Bookworm Me

I have always loved books . Really and truly love them .

As a child and teen less as my dad was obsessed with books ( as in a whole floor of our home devoted to his library- ) therefore for me in the younger years made me not want

To show my passion myself given the  turbulant  relationship my dad and i shared 

Being anything like him was not on my list of things to do as a teen .

I also remember him telling me in no uncertain terms that the danielle steele romance books i adored as a teen were trash and not

Up to his standards. Bye - bye love of reading for many years. But ... I could not stay away long and within a few years allowed myself my passion again with danielle steele and far beyond those series into lots and lots of varying types of fiction and non fiction that would most certainly be up to my dads standards and beyond .

I have  sadly had the same reaction towards music on many levels and never really opened my heart to it fully . Behaviours   and attitudes from the past that have no place in my present life but yet still hung on 

Until my dad died.

In my eulogy- heartfelt and sad and loving and very confused all mixed together - i ended with :

" it is now time to put ink into my pen and allow music into my life "

And i did .

I began writing and exploring music and doubled the amount of books  i read. I opened myself to sharing these passions with a man who i could not allow myseld to fully love in life - but could more easily

In his death . And i did .

My book habits are always pretty much the same :

I always have one novel being read and one non fiction being read 

I read for fiction what bookclubs normally read and get hold of their lists often . I love stuff

To do with families and kids , crisis and tragedy, love a good twist , love stories of ethnicity and culture and tradition . 

For non fiction it is always parenting parenting and more parenting. Lots of business book , career books , how to make alot of money in less hrs , couples and marriage books , self development and organization and time management. Relationships .

I have gotten into

Some auto bios lately and am facinated

I typically read a book a week.

At least 9 weeks of the year i read 4-5 books a week .

For this three week vacation i ordered 18 books and will get through most .

I never get library books as i hate having to take good care of them and dont like a deadline on pleasure 

I buy them all on sale at amazon but spend a fortune . ( clearly )

I never re read a book ever .

I borrow alot of books 

I keep all the good fiction and all non fiction and cant let go 

I have not joined a bookclub and not  a clue why not .

On my list ( again ! ) to do in sept 

I am sad not any of my friends are the type of reader i am as can't share this together in most cases .Most love books but only make time

For it on vacation and a few books a year . My husband is the same - a huge news and article daily reader - but for books on vacation only .

Had two good friends who read weekly like me and we used to for years lend and borrow books but not they moved to Kindle so that is all gone .

Never never ever will i move to electonic books . This is against my values ( and i am not joking )

My mom huge reader ( bigger than me) and now with mild brain injury last 3 yrs ... 5 pages at a time is a celebration every few days .

And saddest of all

Is my kids . Not readers in the least . Do it for school ( 6 english a year and 8 french) but no passion for reading. Breaks mt heart . I pile my books on table for them to see for inspiration . Nada .

I am private about my books . Don't write about them much , dont talk about rhem mich , if i am honest did not even like reading to our kids when they were little and hardly read the classics myself  unless for school .

Like clothes i can spot a book i love the minute i walk into the bookstore .

They call my name ( same

As clothes do - very intuitive)

For our annual couple vacation in turks i order all the best books so they are all in hardcover only . I literally pack a whole suitcase full of them to My husbands dismay . Yet he knows that if i don't always have a good book to read .. He is on trouble !!! ( i would talk to him all day )

I wrote one book and imagine i will write at least another two . One of them i hope to turn into my life's calling .

Books have made me smarter . A wiser person . A better person . Someone who is constantly trying to improve . Books have contributed largely to any success in have found in my career 

I feel close to my dad in my love of reading and writing and proud now  that share i  this part of him . He takes better care of me from a further place... as strange as that may sound

Books are as much part of me as most other priorities in life and a true true passion . 

I love them so .

Second Best?

This weekend at a bbq we attended for hubbys college gang of friends i became aware of how quickly life stages change 

Many were talking to me about a time when he was alone on his life for a few years and hung out with them so often back then ( many were couples with kids etc ) They hung out on weekends and travelled together etc .

I felt bad as it seems as soon as i came around his get togethers with them started happening a few times a year vs a few times a month. Our weekends were spent as a couple or with our young kids .

I know this is normal and not exceptional but still made me sad .. For them .And for my husband in a way too .

I read a blog daily and up until 2 yrs ago she was a 30 yr old single girl. Her weekends and life revolved around friends and girl get togethers and blogging and social media and occassion after occasion with her besties . Then she got married . Less and less posts about her friends and more and more about her husband .

Now last week she had a baby . I am doubtful if we will ever see another post about anyone else -let alone have her write long blogs or answer peoples comments ! Again its all normal ... It is all to be expected right? Or is it ?

But what about all the people left behind in the afternath ? The people who are still single , or adjusted their lives to hang out on saturdays with their single buddy ? Where are they left ?

Does being friends with someone single automatically equal that you are temporary until their real life with marriage and kids come along? Its a hard message and a harsh reality

I remember living it myself when i got married and suddenly we gravitated towards other couples with kids in our " free " time . Only after years did i realize i had two amazing friends who i left behind ( and selfishly started seeing alot more of when they married and had kids much later in life than i did . To this day i often still beg forgiveness from one of them . And i have not forgiven myself . 

Also i remember feeling so sad who when one of my bffs who was divorced and we got into habit of speaking on phone for many hours at a time almost daily got remarried - of course our phone frequency adjusted too - which again was normal and expected - but i remeber sharing with her that my life had stayed exactly the same - and although it was  sometimes hard for both of us those years to make the time  for long phone calls with a young family and working  - i ended up loving them and missed the closer bond she and i shared during that time ( thankfully she and i were close enough to discuss together and adjust to a level that was percect for us both us .) And i was married with three kids ..

But i always feel sad for those friends and blog readers who are single and counting on those weekends and travels and conversations . Like knowing that the blog i used to love will never again be the same now that the blogger has the baby ; she will never have the same time and space she had before, her priorities have shifted to a place that isnt about us  readers anymore 

Is marriage and children always first place ? Do friendships that revolve around being single together have any chance to survive when a man and kids enter the picture ? Are both parties aware of the temporary nature of their arrangement ? Doesn't it feel odd to be at a bar every friday night with a bestie and know that if she catches the right fish the next weekwnd she will be watching Netflix and eating popcorn snuggling with her beau ... And you will be out with another single friend or watching Netflix reruns alone ?

I even feel it with a friend now . We used to text all the time . Now we don't . Its all normal .. She  is engaged ... Owns a house now ... Blending her family . Its all too be expected of course . But things have changed and our friend habits right along with it . Just like i changed when i was the one with the brand new life.

In a way frienships are like marriage . They go through many phases and obstacles and hopefully come back to a place that works for both parties . To a place that makes sense and brings joy amd fulfillment to both .

And social media is a bit of the same . It follows the wave of someones life ( and priorities ) and although easy to feel like runner up ... Sometimes it just a case of adjustment and expectations. Each day i grow older i realize how complex relationships are and how fragile and on so many level what a balancing act they are. Like a see saw back and forth dependant on which side of life you are sitting on in that moment.

20

20 things i have learnt about my marriage in 20 yrs...

As you know we celebrated 20 yrs last week . I will write this list deliberately both positive - negative as that is what marriage is all about . A chaotic bliss of blessings and hard work all mixed together in one sweet melting pot . A little like life itself actually !

Here's a little about mine :

1- extremely solid and secure . I knew that from the beginning . We ride alot of waves and we ride them hand in hand 

2- he is my coma guy ( he would take care of me in a coma )

3 we both have very clear cut roles of what we take care of in house .. Kids ... Work . Thankfully we are good at different things and like different things too

4 - we share a passion for our three children. We still look at them in awe and cant believe that we made them together. For both of us this parenting of them bonds us in a way nothing else does 

5 - we don't fight very well at all but got better about 3 yrs ago and continue to improve 

6- what we fight about remains a constant of about 2-3 themes and never changes 

7- we are super super compatible and like to live our lives in very similar paces , ways , and styles

8- you could not picture two more opposite personalities

9-what we want for the future is very very similar and how we see our lives at work , with adult children and with each other

10- emotional and physical intimacy changes year to year and matches where we are at in that part of our lives

11- we spend a ton of time together. much more than most couples i know 

12 - our togetherness never took a back seat to parenting. It is as important and we always made time for alone time 

13- our kids see our struggles and our very aware of them 

14- we both could not live without leisure and vacation and truly embody the expression " work hard play hard"

15- we both live our lives trying to aim for not looking back with regrets . We are here and now types and no better time than the present 

16- we have kept the same work schedule ( aka Mondays we work until 11pm .. Tuesday dinner with kids 7:30 .. Wed own activity evening etc for 20 yrs with very little changes etc 

17- we are always happy to come home to each other  and share our day

18- family comes first for both of us . It never occurs to us to have it any other way 

19- we have gone to bed mad many times 

20- we would do anything for each other and go to bat for eachother , protect each other and help each other always . 20 yrs of marriage especially in today's society is a rarity. We don't give up as if all matters way to much to us

We are damn proud . And damn deserving . We have worked very very well and very very hard . Here is to many more !!!

Having an 18.5 yrs old son

On first night of our official vacation and childless 6 days we decide to chill at home at our pool with takeout and a movie on our outside Bali bed without a care in the world . 

The following events are true and accurate :

5pm:  ( chase ) hi guys I decided to come home for the evening 

5pm - ( us ) cool ! Want to have dinner with us ?

• no thanks ! Seeing friends 
• ps I am taking your car for the week and leaving tomorrow morning . Thanks !

7pm - I know I can't have dinner but can you pick me up at the bus anyways ?

7:30- I just have to text a few friends and then I will come outside and chat for a few mins ok ? Love you !

7:40pm - well we have chatted enough . I have to finalize my plans now . Thanks !

7:45pm - well guys plans have changed . I will stay home afterall !!!!

7:45pm - ( us ) yay!!! That is so great and we miss you and are happy to hang out with you !! What movie do you want to watch ??

7:46 pm - no mom and dad ! I invited a girl over and we are using the pool and the jacuzzi silly !!! Dad can you please put jacuzzi on for us !

Girl arrives in her bikini after chase picks her up

With our new car that he is not allowed to drive without permission 

8pm- mom and dad can you do me a favour and do this pile of laundry ? I don't have time 

8:15 - mom ... You guys can't come outside ok ? At all ! And we don't want the kitchen lights on so make sure not to eat your dinner in the kitchen ... Or the dining room 

8:30pm - mom eat your dinner in your room ok ? ( no lights )

8:45pm - mom and dad I will treat you to a nice anniversary dinner . I will not be present but I will pay - pls leave !!!

Us ... Going about our business and packing for vacation and eating ( at a table ) .. With some lights . Actively ignoring our son while washing his laundry 

1am - hear garage open and our ( new ) car driven off no txt and no telling us 

2am - we call chase. Hello wtf are you ???

2am - oh I forgot to mention I am having coffee now with mike at tims hortons !!!!

2:05 am - us - you forgot yet took our car ???

2:10 am - yes I am sooooo super sorry mom and dad . Now that I live away for the summer and do my own thing I am really not used to any rules . Or really comfortable with them anymore . Maybe after vacation we can renegotiate a few things ?

Yup !

Today is 20 yrs ....

(well yesterday actually-July 14th)

20 yrs later:))

renewing our vows::))))

Today we celebrate that I have been with my Protector for half of my life almost exactly ( met him two years before got married at age 24 so was 22 when we met )

This weekend I will write more about how these 20 years have occurred to me and some splendid truths I have learnt along the way 

But today is just splendid in itself . The way 20 yrs of marriages are . Earlier this week we fought and cried and screamed . We mistrusted and were hurt and in pain . Since then we are closer than even before - back to a place of security 

Yesterday there were a dozen pink roses delivered 

We went out on the boat for Thai with great friends who spoiled us with their culinary snacks in the sundown 

This morning took our time in bed and talked about our wedding 20 yrs ago 

Hubby scrolled up a little program for the morning and evening with a little pink ribbon 

Morning in our 45 mins before work :

Kiss and hug

Look at all wedding albums by the pool

Swim in the pool

Kissing and hugging 

Evening 

Meet at yacht club 6:30pm

Go park boat in quiet area 

Renew our vows 

Go to my fave Indian resto

Watch some Netflix 

Perfect for me !! And if weather not good for boating we will sit at the lake and admire it while we devise our new vows and go eat Indian by car  

We are not  usually big anniversary celebrators but hey ... 20???? Just sounds pretty big to me and sounds like it needs to  be celebrated 

The funny thing was I wanted to do something nice for Hubby during the day but we were both swamped at work - so I ended up bringing him and his office manager at work a special lunch to share . She was laughing so hard that she was getting to be the one instead of me sharing a celebration lunch with my husband !

Since our kids never celebrate our anniversary with us ( always away last 10 years at camps at this time

Of year ) we decided that 20

Yrs is celebrated with the family also  later in fall .We booked  a room at the fairmont Tremblant  hotel for October when the foliage is at its most beautiful and we are going to spend a night and do the via Ferrata rock climbing expedition on the mountain us five .  In between enjoy the hotels heated outdoor pool wth the beautiful leaves .Then go to our fave fondue restaurant and the next day I have booked a family photo shoot at our cottage with an amazing photographer who specializes in documentary photography . I love her stuff and I want to capture the moments of our lives less posed at Trent . The feelings , the anger , the happiness , the teasing , the whining and complaining , the joy , the life that is contained there for us . Real life . 

While we are all under one roof still which may not last forever with one finishing cegep next year and choosing where to attend his 3 yrs of university 

And I will blow up one big family documentary picture and have a place for it right over a sofa at Trent . I have wanted this picture for years and we decided to make it happen and invest in it for this special celebration 

After this anniversary 25 needs to be celebrated ( and I have told the kids they need to organize this one ) and then 50th ( which they can both organize and pay for ! )

For some reason 20 seemed important too

It seemed like a huge accomplishment as the last number of years have not been the easiest but we have made it . More than made it - we have made it beautiful in our own way 

I am looking forward to integrating  my new vows into our lives and living the next phase of our togetherness 

( ps - although super windy on lake we took on the waves and found a quiet spot to write and create and share our new vows . It was truly a beautiful process and we held hands and looked into eachother's eyes just like we did at our wedding . This time our vows were based on knowing eachother so deeply and so well and were deeply meaningful to both of us .

We debated as to whether this is it or if we re write in 5 yrs at 25th ! 

silly selfies

we have a tradion to see these friends each week of our anniversary (don't get to see them often but they love the boat too and always falls on that week. they make the best boat snacks too LOL!!!

Us blowing a kiss to our three kiddies

Awakening Remarkable Choices

That is my purpose .

I always knew I had one , and this week it was articulated .

I love it . It is me .

It was very much inspired by a very close friend and colleague and she helped me a lot with it . We went back and forth countless times on  text trying to get it just right .

It resonates . It's who I am - what I do - what I want to do and who I want to be  and what I will continue doing for others .To me it all comes down to these three words both in professional and personal life 

And having a purpose ? Is hugely powerful .

I am wondering if it was coincidence that I had a great wonderful meeting yesterday that really motivated and inspired me 

I wonderful if it was coincidence that yesterday morning I felt in many ways I had a spiritual awakening of sorts ?

And I wonder if last night  it was a coincidence the weather cooperated with us just perfectly with no waves and hot heat while we took the perfect Romantic boat ride and dinner ?

And if this morning the intimacy I felt with my husband and the warmth and the playfulness was all just coincidence ?

Or the 12 beautiful pink roses that came to my door were only for our 20 yrs anniversary tomorrow or simply because of other forces at play ?

I feel great today 

My back/neck feel great

My heart feels light 

I feel warm and fuzzy

I feel kind and forgiving and gentle 

I feel pretty 

I feel cherished 

I feel empowered 

On a day and at a time which I could be thinking and feeling a whole lot of other things : I feel complete 

I feel I have a purpose . And I know what it is . I always knew . But once in a while it slipped away from me . Now it is back 

And you can guarantee - that I will be doing something BIG with it