SleepyHead

Sleep is really, really important to me. In my opinion families who get a good night rest get a good days play.

Sleep is so fundamentally important to me and my hubby that even before our first child was born, we decided to actively study it. Following the many sleepless nights of my firstborn son, this lead me to study harder and faster. I never realized at that time what an expert on sleep I would eventually become and never had the intention of making this part of my career. I am so happy however that I went this route because it has been something that I have coached more clients than I can count on as an issue, and have approx  99% effectiveness rate from the feedback that I have received from these clients, colleagues and friends.

I am thrilled to know that I have made a difference in the beds, the moods and the overall family satisfaction of many families.

I am a firm believer that from infancy to 5yrs old we have a massive teaching opportunity as parents. It is in these important years that we set the stage for everything else. If we can get it right at this stage-the road is so much easier the rest of the way. Is it possible to undo bad habits past the age of 5yrs-absolutely-but be prepared to work much harder!

When I work with sleep in children my first question to the parents is “Are you happy with the way you, your partner and your child sleep?” If the answer is “yes” I send them away very quickly. They save a lot of money and I save a lot of time. I have no problem at all with the family bed, kids having erratic schedules or midnight snacks as long as the parents are happy and satisfied and that this lifestyle does not interfere with their overall family satisfaction. Secondly what makes a difference too is  that the child is happy, well-adjusted and healthy with the amount of sleep they are getting. My motto in coaching is “don’t fix what’s not broken-there will be plenty of other areas to fix down the road.”

Some however fall into the category of “I don’t mind my child going to sleep at midnight and getting up at 6am” but fundamentally this is bad for the child-for her mood, her growth, her developmental milestones etc.. Children need a certain amount of sleep, just as they need certain nutrients, for their age. When I am faced with this situation I often ask the parents to consult their pediatrician before coaching them.

In our home, and in the homes of the parents I have coached on sleep the following is true:

·        Kids have a regular bedtime regardless of how awake or tired they are. This bedtime may differ for weekends and special occasions

·        Kids all have consistent weekday and weekend wake up times and stay in their rooms until that time in the mornings

·        Kids after tuck in time do not come out of their bedrooms for snacks and juice and water

·        Kids have no sleep aids to are associated directly with sleep (bottles, pacifiers, rocking ,TVs in room etc..)

·        Kids are taught early on to manage their own sleep patterns and to be independent

·        Kids sleep in their own rooms past 6 months always unless they are very ill or a special date night to be in the parents bed

·        Kids below the age of 5 have regular nap times that turn into quiet times in their beds if they are not sleeping at that time anymore

·        Parents have time in the evenings for themselves, as a couple,  or  to compete work. They can count on  this time 100% every evening

·        Parents don’t need to go to sleep with their kids just because their kids ask them to. They have their own adult bedtimes

·        Parents have relaxing time in the mornings before the kids get up  in the morning to prepare for their day, have coffee and read the paper if they wish

·        Parents feel a sense of peace knowing their kids are getting the amount of sleep their bodies need.

The system that I teach on sleep is very simple and I work with families on a case by case basis to really understand their particular household routines, identify their values around sleep, look at family schedules and get to understand the kid’s temperaments, habits and personalities.

Fundamentally the system:

·        Works within 2 weeks of putting into place (at maximum)usually 3 days is average

·        There is a signed contract between the 2 parents of what the agreement is for sleep

·        There will be a lot of “crying it out” at the beginning but peace for the rest of the child’s life basically around sleep

·        The parents must be very tough for the implementation of the program, but after it is learned by the child and family the routine of putting a child to bed and tucking them in is a pleasurable, cooperative and enjoyable  time of day that all parties involved look forward to.

·        Children very quickly adapt and have a sense of pride that they are capable of going to sleep on their own

So enough about sleep-because I have to get some myself now too!  I will be talking about sleep many, many times on this blog as it is a true passion of mine and I am in complete awe of the body, the brain and family routines around sleep. I love it so much I will probably put you to sleep at one point just hearing me talk about it! It’s one of my obsessions in life and I love sharing what I know and have studied for so many years.  

As with any of my posts on parenting- I am passing along information that has worked for me and on which I coach on, but my way is obviously and definitely not the only way either. You need to do what works for your family and what you believe in. If you are happy already with your family sleep patterns-you should skip this post-if you are blurry eyed-miserable and looking for a helping hand check my blog every once and a while around sleep.

So much, much more on sleep coming soon!

Coming soon in this section (Baby to 5 yrs-Teaching Them)

·        Intercoms

·        My secret sleep invention

·        Siblings and the arrival of a new baby

·        Time outs

·        Early alignment between couples

·        Sharing Baby with Dad

·        Establishing discipline and order early on

·        The importance of schedules

·        The importance of rituals

·        Back to work!

·        And Much Much more

Floating

It’s amazing how soft and brilliant and loving I become-when I claim the gift of time. The ability to just be, not to do, to plan or to organize just to behold nothingness. It's in this world that I am at my best.
My clearest moments of thought are floating on my boat-wind in my hair and sun on my face. Blackberry away, homework on the shelf for the summer and to do lists tucked away.
I begin to dream...to allow myself to think and feel about what matters most to me in the world. To indulge myself with extra-long cuddles with my husband and tender kisses on my kids foreheads.

Luxurious summer vacation at the cottage. Could anything be more precious?
But how to bring this fantasy 3 weeks into our real lives daily? Yes.. I try to bring parts of rest and relaxation and recovery into our daily and weekly life but it is not the same.
Is three weeks of a happy and rested Mom enough to sustain and anchor my children-does it fill them enough? Does it fill me enough?
How do you get "relax, enjoy and get that floating feeling" onto that crowded to do list-and if it does make itself on there by some miracle, how do you experience it in the same way that you do when you have days and weeks ahead of you as opposed to minutes?

I need to find that floating feeling and bring it into my daily life. I need to bottle me at my best and sprinkle its dust on the ones I love every day and not only on our vacations.
The ideal world for me would be one in which you wouldn't need a vacation be your whole life is one big float in the park.


Who am I fooling though-if these 3 weeks were my normal life chances are I would have been locked away a long time ago! I may complain a lot but the real truth is the sweet smell of my 10000 emails, the chaos of my house, my hundred to do lists and me barking out orders-is really quite enjoyable to me and lovely in fact. The anticipation of leaving that life for 3 weeks-and the comfort of knowing I will go back to it all soon is what makes the floating, and relaxing and sunbathing and luxuriating so special and unique. Ultimately it's why it's called a vacation!!!
So big  goal for September...find a way bring a dose of this feeling into our normal lives. To hug longer, kiss more, say yes more often to that extra dessert or late night dip in the pool. Then if our vacation ever does get cancelled (my biggest fear ever-kind how some people feel about spiders!!) I know me (and my family) will be ok.

Outhouse Joy

It's amazing how utterly terrified of outhouses I am. It's a really unnatural fear. I avoid them like the plague-I would rather hold in my pee indefinitely then have to visit the outhouse-or even peeing my pants would be a better option as far as I am concerned.

So this summer-our fave day of the summer when we go to our friend’s Holiday House for their annual lake regatta-as we get there Ms. Holiday announces the toilet broke and they rented an outhouse for the occasion.
There it was right in front of the cottage and my friend Ms. Holiday being the amazing woman she is even decorated it inside and out!!!! (my Protector joked she should start and a new business in outhouse decorating and they both had a good laugh, but I secretly thought to myself what a fab idea and started that night brainstorming how to make it happen!)
So I passed by it on way to front door and peeked at it out of the corner of my eye. I conjured up the plan to just drink very little and pee in the lake all day.


Come 6pm I had to desperately pee. By that time there were 27 of us at the cottage, I had changed into my supper clothes and thought it might look a bit suspicious if I changed back into my bathing suit and jumped into the lake by myself to cool off while everyone else was opting for a sweater-so I decided to collect my courage and go for it.
I asked my friend Ms. Holiday if she could stand outside the door just in case I fell into the hole or in case the door got locked forever. She said yes-I love this girl :).

 

So all was ok until she said outside the door -"so make sure you don't look down the hole" so of course I did-just like when my Mom used to say" be sure not to touch the hot pot". It's like a huge invitation no?

So anyways-I look down the hole and fear is replaced by gagging-and lots of it. When I say gagging I mean like the uncontrollable acid reflux one-with no acid. Poor Holiday has to listen to this while she is protecting me from the black hole.
Once the gagging stopped enough for me to reach for some toilet paper- I ran out as fast as I possibly could and opted for the washing of hands at the kitchen sink.


The point of this story is that despite my very real fear of outhouses-I would repeat every single moment of that perfect day. My love of friendship, cozy cottages and regattas and lakes far surpass any fear real or imagined that I have.
I looked at this group of people that we were with ,our Holidays and our Sweethearts and love swelled up in my heart. I would go pee in a thousand outhouses, day after day and year after year to be with this gang and spend the precious time that we do so often with them.

The best part of this entire story? When I got back to my own cottage I actually resented out bathroom a bit. I have always loved the simplicity of cottage life and when I took a look at my well intentioned Cape Cod decorated cottage bathroom-I felt like I was missing out a bit. I started aching for the outhouse . Although mainly I am scared of outhouses-what I am not scared of is experiences and the Holiday House to me that day and everyday always make me feel like I have lived when I have been there.

All in all-I think I will give up my fear of Outhouses from now on just in case next year the Holiday toilet is not working again and my fear  lends to any possibility of me not getting invited back. Secondly, I think that in the future I will potentially be very involved with outhouses since Ms. Holiday will need an expert marketer like me to help her with her Decorating Outhouses profitability plan:)

Pluck a Buck

It’s funny my Mom, my Heartbeat, says to me the other day on the phone “ I was telling my friend who has an 8yr old the other day about your chore and payment system Pluck and Buck and I told her to Google it for more information-but she couldn’t find it on the search engine?”

That’s because my Heartbeat…I made it up!

Pluck a Buck is a very simple system devised primarily to ensure I personally do not go out of my mind daily. I got so fed up of continuously nagging my kids 24 hrs a day to pick up their wet towels on the floor or clean the empty yogurts containers off the computer desk. I still go insane-but a little bit less insane.

Getting started with Pluck a Buck:

·        Make one jar per child and put their name on it

·        Make another jar with pluck a buck written on it

·        Insert 15 loonies in each child’s jar for the month

·        Each time a chore is not done well or not done at all-make them come back and do it (in a calm and friendly tone) and then pluck a dollar from their jar and  put it into the plucked jar

·        If the kid is not home and you want their wet towel off your bed now-just do it yourself and write a note on a central list that they were plucked. Consider it payment for the job you had to do

·        At the end of exactly 1 month they get to keep whatever is left (if anything in that jar)

·        If there is nothing left at all-they automatically get given an infraction ticket for 2 hrs of continuous labor at any time you ask beyond their regular chores (I tend to save toilet cleaning, dusting off  piles of knicknacks, picking  up dog doo doo for the neighbors etc.. on this special list)

·        For the rest of the month continue to record when they would lose a dollar even if nothing there and when they reach another 15$ you get another 2hrs of free labor for you (at this point I usually run out of chores at our place and so send them for volunteer work at a friends or in the community)

·        Since I am a firm believer in teaching kids about money and not completely relating money to chores, I also give each kid another amount per month (equal to their age) that is untouchable. The purpose of this money is so that they learn how to manage money and become responsible tax paying citizens:)

Coming soon in this section 5-12 yrs Guiding them at a later date:

·        Chore lists

·        Dictees and calculations

·        Family dinners

·        Technology Rules

·        Friendships

·        Natural Consequences

·        Self Confidence

·        Independence

·        Essential sports-the 3 S’s (swimming, skiing & sailing)

·        Country Cows

·        Waking up and routines

·        Preparing for the next day

·        Consequences

·        Socializing with adults

·        Sex Talks

·        Traditions

·        Family Calendar

·        And much much more…….!

Falling in Love

(From June 19 2011,Father’s Day at Trent)

Some days are just perfect ones. Today was one of those. You look around d the dinner table and think to yourself " I did well.” All the kids were sitting outside under the gazebo and joking and laughing and connecting and loving each other. It was just one of those days. Made me think of  how one day my Protector and I will be sitting under that same gazebo alone and the three of them will have their own lives-and have each other. They will come home from a busy day at work and call each other and complain about it-or go to each other’s hockey games-or call and comment on the Music Awards show.

Days like this one-make it all worth it you know?

Sometime you have to make hard decisions but decisions you know are right. Bear had his final in hockey-but it was Father Day and we had planned the weekend at Trent with my Mom already by the time we got the hockey schedule. So we got our sitter at home and took my Mom and Chase and Beauty to the cottage as planned. He won! The NTR  Stanley cup! We were not there to see it and broke part of our heart. The other part knew were done right for the other 6 of us involved. It’s always hard to choose what is right. Who should sacrifice? As long as the decisions are done with care and weighed and thought out and communicated-the actual choice is not that important.

We came home to pesto pasta with chicken and home made garlic bread dinner  that Bear and his sitter had prepared. Table was set for Father’s Day outside. Everyone was happy.

Chase and Beauty had some jokes going on at the table about poo (as usual). Chase comes into the house after and says “ it  feels so nice Beauty and I have such a good relationship!” and I said “Yes of course you do!” “Was good for you to spend some time together at Trent just the two of you.”

I have firmly decided that cottage life is so super good for kids. It’s a home away from home. Takes them out of their natural habitat (which quite frankly with I-phones and computers and texting and TV-is really not that wonderful to be in) Let’s them wear their hair flat without caring-wear bathing suits that are all worn out and too small, let’s them cuddle up with their Dad on the bali bed, let’s them drop the teenager attitude by the door for a while and just be innocent kids. Let’s them take long showers, and sit and stare at the lake. Allows us to all be a family-every single weekend. Everyone says it won’t last-but I think it will. Cottage life in general has lasted  17 yrs already  for us and I don’t see that changing. I can’t wait to prove everyone wrongJ). Trent is my way of holding onto my kids. I won’t give up. They belong to the world 5 days a week and they belong to us the other 2. I will guard this with my life..

So all in all really for me was the perfect day and evening. I called this “falling in love” because it was really today that I feel in love with Trent too. All the uncertainly seemed to fade a bit under the rays of sunshine, the good food the good drink, the great company and the intimacy that weekend  between me and my wonderful hubby. All the sudden I seemed to be able to step outside of the boundaries of my trance and just see Trent for what it is-my future.

The future is friendly.

Weekly Gratitude

Thankful for Beauty:

·    “I will die if I am not in any of my friend’s classes! But I have only lived 9.5 years-it's been a short little life...”

(Note-she is not in any one of her friend’s classes and she is still aliveJ)

·        Overheard us adults talking (oops!) about a friend on vacation that has sex often with her husband. Beauty says to me next day when swimming in lake out of blue "That’s disgusting. Imagine doing the sex thing in a bed in a hotel that other people use??  I have to sleep in those sheets later!"

·        She always says-"Daddy is sooo cute" and squeezes her Dad’s face.

Thankful for Bear

·        Energetic passion for golf with no training (yet) but tons of drive and passion. So enthusiastic. So passionate

·        Was stressed about high school upcoming entrance exams and said” "I can’t handle this feeling inside of me-I need a stress ball or something!”

·        “I hate my IPod Touch now. I just want to throw it across the room and break it. It makes me not concentrate on what is important in my life”

Thankful for Chase

·        Golf ball finding fanatic. 57 in woods near cottage  golf course-cleaned  them all for 2 hrs straight  with his brother and friend and sold them. Made over 30 $

 

·        Every single night says “I love u” and  gives the best kisses ever

Heroes and Hearts

Last month I realized just how overwhelmed I am feeling in my life when I saw a big accident happen on the highway involving 6-7 cars. I saw 10 ambulances and a dozen fire trucks heading towards the chaos and towards the injured. A flash came right away through my mind and has lingered there over the last five days. "How safe it must feel in the arms of the fireman-he would be able to comfort you, to hold you, to breathe life into you. He would know exactly what to do to make you better.”

Trust me- I am not suicidal in the least nor do I want injury inflicted on me. Nor do I have a fireman fantasy (ok..maybe I do have a teeny weeny one)....I just realized in that moment how sick of being in control I really am.  Of being the stretcher much of the time people lie on, or being the blanket everyone needs. It made me realize I am just a tiny flower who needs some serious watering too.

It's funny though how often even if we know what we need-we have no idea how to get it isn't it?
I am sure that I have my husband just waiting around to have the chance to be my hero. To be my blanket. The question is how to change the dance?

It was hard for me to see those emergency trucks that day and to acknowledge that need in me. It's hard for me to write it here too-as at the end of the day- I still have not figured out what's broken and what the fireman needs to fix if he does stop by one afternoon.

What I do know is that I am going to pay closer attention and listen more for the sounds of those alarms and the swirling flashing light. Not on my way home from work-but closer yet-inside my soul.
I need to figure out a way to get that fireman to come and get me without having a heart attack or an accident. I need to learn to be supportable by others and allow their full contributions.


It's getting harder and harder to give-when in reality I have not a clue how to receive.