Last month I realized just how overwhelmed I am feeling in my life when I saw a big accident happen on the highway involving 6-7 cars. I saw 10 ambulances and a dozen fire trucks heading towards the chaos and towards the injured. A flash came right away through my mind and has lingered there over the last five days. "How safe it must feel in the arms of the fireman-he would be able to comfort you, to hold you, to breathe life into you. He would know exactly what to do to make you better.”
Trust me- I am not suicidal in the least nor do I want injury inflicted on me. Nor do I have a fireman fantasy (ok..maybe I do have a teeny weeny one)....I just realized in that moment how sick of being in control I really am. Of being the stretcher much of the time people lie on, or being the blanket everyone needs. It made me realize I am just a tiny flower who needs some serious watering too.
It's funny though how often even if we know what we need-we have no idea how to get it isn't it?
I am sure that I have my husband just waiting around to have the chance to be my hero. To be my blanket. The question is how to change the dance?
It was hard for me to see those emergency trucks that day and to acknowledge that need in me. It's hard for me to write it here too-as at the end of the day- I still have not figured out what's broken and what the fireman needs to fix if he does stop by one afternoon.
What I do know is that I am going to pay closer attention and listen more for the sounds of those alarms and the swirling flashing light. Not on my way home from work-but closer yet-inside my soul.
I need to figure out a way to get that fireman to come and get me without having a heart attack or an accident. I need to learn to be supportable by others and allow their full contributions.
It's getting harder and harder to give-when in reality I have not a clue how to receive.
