Girl… You are Amazing Just the Way you Are

 

 

 

Scene: Subway sandwich dinner a deux for the special part 2 BIG talk about the Birds and the Bees. This time no more biology more value focused for when she is older (much, much older of course).

 

Potential outcomes: The person in this story will kill me.

 

Probable outcomes: She will laugh so hard one day to read this and remember just how sweet she was (is)

 

 

Mommy: So…before we have our BIG talk-tell me what you know about sex first?

 

Amazing Girl: Well the boy takes his weeny and lies on top of the girl and puts his weeny into her vagegeee. Then they live happily ever after.

 

Mommy: What does happily ever after mean?

 

Amazing Girl: Well it means Life Mom. Like God and stuff.

 

Mommy: Life and God?

 

Amazing Girl: Well ya…like they live happily ever after and create life. Like..you know like life is a miracle and like they have created one together because they did that stuff.

 

Mommy: takes a bite of sandwich even though none left as needs some space to smile

 

Mommy: So do people only have sex to have babies then?

 

Amazing Girl: Well ya duh. Sometimes the bigger the family the more times you get to do it then. I heard someone say it feels good so I guess that is why.

 

PS-and then we got home and she read on internet that a poor little girl at 6 yrs old had died so she made posters and posted them all over the walls with the girls pictures and wrote “Pray for Annaline”. If it’s an important cause for Justin Bieber..it’s an important one for her too.

 

HeeeeeeHeeeeeee! Love this Amazing Girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If God hears her version of sex she is surely getting her place in heaven.

Nun camp was good for this childJ)

 

 

Where is your Happiness?

Is it in your job? Your family? Your friends? Your hobby? Your child’s smile? Your circumstances?

Does your happiness disappear when you don’t get that promotion, your daughter loses a friend, your offer on a house  does not get accepted or when someone close to you is sick?

Can you ever get  it back if someone dear to you dies, your life crumples, or you live through a true disaster?

Where does your happiness live? Where does it go for you? Do you put most of your eggs in one basket of happiness in life or do you spread it around in different areas? Does your happiness come in one major form or many little ones all mixed together?

Is it independent or dependant? Do you like it that way?

I got to pondering last night what makes me happy, what keep me that way? I did not come up with the full answers yet. I am left still wondering.

I did realize last night how much of a toll it has taken on me in my life to have lived with a Father who was so unhappy for such a large part of my life. The impact that his constant unhappiness and sadness and depression and anxiety had on me. Did it push me in the direction of happiness or unhappiness? Do I feel I even deserve it? Can I even handle once more ounce of unhappiness and hopelessness around me anymore?

One thing I know for sure though is that in raising my kids-my biggest wish for them is that their happiness and confidence comes from as deep inside of them as possible. That my goal as a parent should be to ensure that they get to keep that happiness with them permanently and not give it away and let go of it often depending on the situation that surrounds them.

To teach them that happiness is their right. It belongs to them and is theirs.

If they can get this and believe in themselves fully…I feel as though I will have done a good job.

And that they will grow up into the types of Mothers and Fathers one day that they need to be.To have the ability to be rained on while still holding an umbrella over their child’s head. And most importantly to know and realize that the rain will stop and the sun will come out again. And even if it doesn’t..that they deep inside of them have the capacity to get under that umbrella all cozy with those kids. Or alone in the rain umbrella or not. With only their smile-because it is part of them.

IronMan 2012

Before last week it never occurred to me that I would have a son participating in an Ironman. With no formal training or preparation. Next week.

He and his team signed up last week on a whim for this very important event at their school which is one of the first in decades in our city and is receiving lots of media attention. Four boys and four girls on his team. It’s quite incredible.

The principal in school told me she has never seen such a confident group. Barely any other older groups of students have embarked on this challenge-but these newbies have signed up and are passionate and enthusiastic and raring to go. They are actually fighting over who gets to do the most km! They are crazy.

An Ironman looks like this:

Swim 3.8 km

Run 42.2 km

Bike 180km

They will relay. It was supposed to be all night long but they changed it to the day for media and crowd cheering abilities. Starts at 6am sharp next Friday until 7pm Friday. Wow.

This group really, really impresses me. Bear has had a super strong group of friends over the last 3-4 years and the cornerstone of this group is supportive parents. For some reason his group all come from really strong, stable, wonderful, loving and generous families and these kids are all shown unbelievable support from parents. It really makes a big big difference.

It’s funny how out of all  my three kids Bear seems to always have had the least social need yet his group and bonds are the strongest. He needs it the least (it appears anyways) and he gets it the most. Interesting to analyze on a rainy day isn’t it?

I am beyond proud, impressed and scared about this Ironman. I am a bit jealous too…I can’t believe these offerings and opportunities at this school….I wish I had those chances!!!

So glad I get to live through my three kids. It’s plain old fun.

Bear was asked by the group Mom organizer today”Which sports do you want to do most of? Where can you add the most value to the team”? His reply; "Biking, running and swimming. A lot of it. I want to  be team captain and lead and carry my team".
(Who says that when you are 12 and this is your first event)?

My favorite part of all of this??? My absolute favorite?? Would be to see the sports program director see Bear’s name on this list. A Grade 7 in Ironman!!. That guy who missed the exam for the sports audition while he was getting his appendix out. Ya him!!…the one that was not strong enough to take a proper retake after 6 weeks post surgery bc he had lost 14 lbs ya him!…the ones who’s parents stood behind him, obsessed, strategized and fought for him to get his place and ending up proving that their son NEEDED to be in this program.

And that they needed him.

Now he’s in Ironman! He will definitely be climbing Kilimanjaro in Sec 3 and will likely lead his team up that mountain with positive encouragement and enthusiasm. He is meant for this program like a fish in water!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so deperately relieved and happy that he has his spot despite his surgery. It was worth every single millionth brain cell and enery put into this.

It’s one of those "I told you so" moments and it feels darn good.

Sweet.

(I never promised it was a good mommy moment did I???)

Momeso’s and Friendship

 On Friday Night it seemed we had a million places we needed to be within a 3 hr span. An auction fundraiser, and important open house for a high school for Beauty and a time to relax and enjoy after a busy week.

After a bit of shuffling and running around like crazy, we ended up at an old Italian dive just the two of us with our girl. It was so much fun and brought me back to so many good old memories.

It’s a fast food Italian resto in the heart of downtown that serves basically one delicious food. Sausage subs, with fried onions and mounds of coleslaw. Tomatoes and hot sauce on a toasted bun full of the most delicious sausage in the world. 6 inch or 12 inches with a beer or a diet coke. You couldn’t order a salad at this place if you tried. It was packed.

It has been more than a decade or so that Hubby and I had been there. We were so happy to share this with our little girl. It got us all nostalgic and we took her and us down memory lane that evening. Such good memories. We talked about all these memories with Beauty and the conversations seemed to continue on an off all weekend.

It was couple friends of ours who introduced us to this place. We went with them often-it was “our” place. The is before kids….before our lives got busier and busier and we saw them often. Very different than us, totally different backgrounds jobs, personalities and lives, but there was something that bonded the four of us very tightly. They were on many levels the sweetest people we have ever come across, big and generous hearts.

They are now divorced and went through a really hard and bitter time. They share custody of their children. At one point the husband wrote us a letter apologizing about some of the stuff that happened during some of the times when our friendship became more distant, (he struggled with issues that really clouded his behaviour and judgment for a number of years that was unknown to us) explaining what he was going through the time. We never answered him for many many different reasons  (much too personal for this blog) I regretted that now sitting at Momeso’s…I should have written him back. What is wrong with us? How could anyone not properly acknowledge such a letter? Yes of course it was much more complex than just our busy lives-but really there is no excuse.

And his ex-wife remained closer to us over the years-she has drifted in and out of our lives over the years..always with her initiating and trying. We have been there but on and off and not consistently as friends should be. We are not even sure if she remarried this year-how pathetic we are. We have moved on, so have they. But eating that submarine there on Friday, my heart ached for them, for that tie in our lives. For that time before kids when our friendships were chosen less on our schedules, our careers, the activities our kids are in and how old they are. We were drawn to friends because of who they are and were and who  we were. Friendship was based much more on instinct back then.

I love my life now ..I would never go back. I love being a Mom and having kids and love all of the friendships we have in our lives..but I do miss some of those more carefree and instinctual times too. Eating that sub that night made me realise that when friends change, when distance is met, a part of ourselves is also left behind. Important pieces of who we are. I was reminded of that as we bit into those mouth-watering delicious sandwiches and thought back to the couple that we had shared them with often on Friday nights.

So we took Beauty further into our memories and described the friends and couples we were closest to at that time of our lives. Some have moved, some have divorced, some have remarried, and some have gone on to have more children.

Beauty asked us a simple question “The couple you came to this restaurant with-are they still your friends?”

That was a tough one to answer. Here I had been reflecting part of the week on friendship and how important friendship was to me, and yet I let the Momeso couple (well now not a couple but still two wonderful individuals) slip completely thought my fingertips For many many reasons.

But none of them really good enough.

Their lives became complex, our lives became complex. We changed, they changed. We got busy, they got busy. They made choices, we made choices.They spilt up. We are still together.

But eating that meal, at that place-it all really did not even matter. I thought that I hoped that those two friends somehow could know or feel that we were thinking about them. And that even though things have moved on…that when we went back to “our” place…we thought of “them”.

With huge smiles on our faces that would last us a lifetime.

It’s funny in life, (and we always tell our kids this) how life has a way of bringing you back to the lessons that need to be learnt. You may think you can run and hide……but you can’t. There is no escaping.

You will always come full circle to exactly where you are meant to me. Like it or not-life has a way of setting you straight. Often- if you are lucky enought-through delicious submarines.

Fleeting Moments

Today my Protector and I went on a beautiful fall walk through the woods, up a large hill, through a quarry and onto the golf course. The fall colors were the most incredible I have ever seen them. Or then again maybe for the first time..I gave myself both the time and permission to really indulge in them.

We passed the kissing bridge in the colors, and climbed the mountain in the rustling leaves. In the golf course we sat and rested for a few minutes and looked out to the mountains and lake in their perfect splendor. I am not sure I have ever seen anything so beautiful.

So I asked my Hubby for the camera phone and tried to capture it through the lens but the result was not even half of the reality of it. I deleted the picture quickly.

I love photography. I have never taken a course in my life but have a ridiculously expensive camera and a smaller mid priced one. I love them both. The pictures I produce are pretty good especially portraits. Most family and friends I know have at least one picture I have taken framed on their walls somewhere in their homes. I enjoy taking photos but have never put any effort into it.

Someday I dream of a day where I can actually learn about it more and produce beautiful things. Take in the light and works with it. Have my own darkroom.

Part of me however will likely never take that photography course, or try and get the perfect light, or work in a darkroom to make someone’s flaws disappear by retouching.

All because I love the fleeting moments of life too much. I like indulging in them far too much and so much more than the capturing of them. I don’t really believe in taking in too much for later…I believe in enjoying these moments ridiculously now.

Letting them be fleeting and allowing myself and my family that indulgence.

That moment at the golf course and those leaves. The smell, the textures the light.

The lake and the way the leaves reflect in the shimmering water.

The sounds of the waterfalls and streams and their Fall and Spring cascades.

The look on my eldest son’s face as he tells me tonight that he is anxious about growing because he is scared if he grows too much before April that his new ski jacket won’t fit just right as it does today.

The look on my daughter’s face as she watched the ballerinas at the openouse with longing and passion.

The homemade lasagna and “moules” being prepared in the kitchen so perfectly with care and consideration.

The fire in front of me outlined by the windows with the stars and moon shining through.

My middle son and the way his face lit up last night as he described the 7 new friends he made and went to the movies with.

Can it ever really be captured? Should it?

Now I have just as many framed photographs and albums as the next…guilty as charged. I spend at least 3 full days a year organizing these pictures, and collecting them and framing them and displaying them. And the joy it brings to me and my family is beyond explanations.

I am also the person who is severely annoyed by the guy at the hip hop show who sits behind the videocamera and tapes his daughter’s dance. Or Mom at the choir show who makes all of our daughters poses after the songs instead of letting them giggle and feel the pride of their recital.  I don’t like the Moms who fight with their kids and scream at them and then make them pause for a pretty pose before they all start fighting again (that is me often!!). Often I just feel like shaking the person beside me (or shaking myself) and say:

Just enjoy it. Indulge. Let it Be. Let them Be. Imprint it on your mind and your heart. Breathe it it.

I also don’t like camera frauds. People who dress family up, make it look all good, but really it’s a fake moment. What are we trying to prove to whom?

Because I believe that a picture speaks a million words…and I will always believe that but I also believe that we often hide behind technology and don’t let ourselves fully absorb.

That we want to control those fleeting moments and try our best not to let them get away..when really they were all meant to.

And just like blogs, although we can capture a lot of the essence, we can never really capture it fully. Only life can do that to us.

As we live it fully and let it be fleeting. Because we can’t always catch what is falling and slipping away.

Somethings  are meant to be nothing more than lovely mere moments.

Happiness Project Update

I thought it was time for a little update on the Happiness Project I embarked on almost a year ago now. I have had a bunch of emails lately asking me if I am still committed to what I set out to do.

I think I am happier overall.

(Not sure if it is my actions or Relora but that’s ok).

If I look back on the goals I had set and the actions I had placed to achieve them I have been doing very well.

It’s hard to know if I am happier really as I am also entering a new phase of my life with two kids in high school and another one “shopping” for high school at the moment. So I am undecided yet as to how exactly I feel about this stage of my life. It’s a hard time to assess overall happiness when there is so much change and transition going on for our family right now. It’s a bit out of my comfort zone thus far.

Undecided.

One of the main elements of my Happiness Project was nutrition and exercise and for the very first time in my life I feel I have made significant progress in both of these areas.

I have really changed the way I think and commit to exercise and I have really changed the way I eat without feeling an ounce of deprivation (which has always been my goal).

I stand on the scale once a month and today was the day and I happily discovered I have lost 3.5 lbs! That was a really nice incentive.

Basically for exercise I actually look forward to it most days of the week and have somehow managed to make it part of my regular life as opposed to my old mentality of “something I grudgingly fit in”. I don’t know if I will stay like this forever but for the moment it feels good to have this new attitude. Am I a hard core runner or cardio girl? Never! But I have integrated moderate exercise quite successfully into my schedule and I am proud and feeling stronger by the day.

Food? Big one. It’s always hard for me as I love food. Food is the cornerstone of our family, my marriage, our traditions with the kids, our cottage life etc.. No one in my family is encouraging me at all when it means I have to eat less or differently than them. They all feel it is a major downer and I agree. Food defines a lot of our family and we all love it. We love our homemade stuff, our treats, our parties and our dinners out and in.

I am not unhappy enough with my looks or body to want to change that a whole lot  (and neither is my family I guess) although I would like to be slimmer like I was about 5 yrs. ago. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me I guess) I still really like the way overall I look and look in clothes so a red light has not gone off for me yet to make me give up too much(it really helps that two close friends own clothing boutiques and are phenomenal stylists and love dressing up my curvy body)!

However intuitive eating has become much more a way of life for me. I have integrated a whole lot more healthy things into my daily intake (protein, almonds, peanut butter on apples, hummus and veggies etc..) and taken out stuff that I don’t care much about ( 100 calories granola bar in afternoon, crackers as a snack before dinner etc..)

At lunch I always eat very healthy food but pretty much whatever I am in the mood for (except usually Fridays where rosé sauce at work  calls my name) At dinner where I am always less hungry I take smaller portions and try and limit carbs to smaller portions .Or if I am alone, I just eat something small like a whole grain muffin or a bowl of cereal.

I just eat what I am in the mood for. Nothing more and nothing less. I rarely feel full or hungry now.

And weekends I am really listening to my body and my hunger signs and cravings and before I eat something too salty or sweet, I try to stuff a little banana candy in my mouth for 10 calories (kids you know what I am talking about right???) and this works miracles and I forget about the other treats.

All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in relation to both food and exercise and I think it can only get better and better. I have gone from making these changes for what used to be only weight reasons to health reasons. This paradigm in thinking has been powerful.

So today when I stepped on the scale it was a nice and welcome surprise to be lighter, but I did not need it to feel good.

Shocking. Did I just say that?

So my Happiness Project will continue but in a different form as of November 2012. When on my favorite place ever on the beautiful beaches of Turks and Caicos with Hubby this year, I am going to shift my individual happiness project towards one we share.

He and I will hopefully map out on this trip what are goals are for happiness for the next year as we enter this very cool but very scary newer phase of our family life together. It will be important that we stay united and strong and overall happy together, as a family and individually.

Nothing like an aqua sea, a bikini and a vodka martini in hand to get the work done.

And I expect my husband (after reading yesterdays’ post about babies that scared him obviously ) to be a little weary.Of what my happiness project  proposals might include….but that’s ok.

As far as I am concerned nothing is off limits. Transparency and sharing has always being the cornerstone of our marriage and I intend of keep it that way no matter what internal wierd thoughts I am going through right now and how scary that may feel to both of us.

Chances are…..if I guess it accurately:

Our kids may be welcoming a new puppy into our home one day soon.

Or maybe not?

I am excited to see what we come up with. It’s always a pleasure to work on being happy. And most importantly allowing bizarre and crazy thoughts into the normal everyday mix.

To see where those thoughts take us in life.

And welcome what our next stage has in store for us.

Maybe it’s time for a Puppy

I saw the sweetest little baby boy today in the cafeteria at work. One of the Moms came back to show him off-he is 7 months old which is just about my favorite age ever.

He was wearing little Gap jeans and a striped sailor t-shirt and smiling all over the place.

For some reason, this little baby made its way into my heart. I did not even see him up close or hold him as I don’t know his Mom very well.

But he made me want one (another one) just like him.

He made me want to go home and tell my husband that we had plans tonight and get ready because we were going to make a baby together.

This baby reminded me of our babies. Even our daughter since she often wore her brother’s jeans and striped little shirts and had no hair for a long time. This baby was adorable.

So my heart was aching for one of those sweet little things. I thought he looked so darn cute all cuddled up in his Mom’s arms with his legs dangling down her chest and his little head turning everywhere at the sounds of voices.

I felt myself feeling “I want one of those”!  Give him to ME! Now!

Reality Check: Of course I am not going home tonight to make a baby. Even if I had the energy to do so, I am not going to be making one.

And if I am..it it not with my husband as we had his parts taken care of after our daughter.

And even if those parts were still baby making material he would divorce me before giving me another baby at this stage of our lives.

But for the very first time in ages I did not just look at that baby and think it was cute..I wanted one for me.

And when I really think about it I do not want one for a many zillion trillion rational reasons.  But it was interesting to realize that that part of me still exists that does want one.

The way a person wants a puppy.

Why did I have to become so maternal after my kids are well on their way to being all grown up???? Honestly I am a piece of work.

And I think the yearning is caused by many things and it is not coincidence that I am feeling this way. In a few weeks I will be 41 yrs old..so I think my body is saying to me “if you want it better hurry up really, really quickly my dear!”

I think my kids getting up themselves this morning without waking us and making their own breakfast had something to do with it.

I think realizing today that even if I offer to pay my son (I know BAD Mommy) to be on the school badminton team he will still say no.

I think I am realizing that watching Glee alone with my husband without my kids up is pretty weird.

I think I am realizing that having some time on weekends to go to Chapters or go shopping is strange.

I think I am realizing that I am in a very different stage than many of my friends considering one of the closest has a 3 month old.

I think I am realizing that creating a human with my husband was the most bonding experience in the world. To have both of us..in them. To me there has been nothing that has ever even come close to measuring up to that experience and that miracle. I remember moment for moment of each being born and my husband's face and what he said, and what he did, and who we called. I remember those three moments as the best times of my life (eventhough I am not very maternal right?)

I think I am realizing that my season is changing…but I may be all alone in my season and alone is very scary.

And I figure that adorable little baby might just make it all better.

 That would be a big project.

I love projects.

I love mastering them.

And believe it or not..as arrogant as this may sound…I think I am on my way to mastering raising kids (not teens) but kids.

I feel really good at it and successful and in my element on most days.

And not ready AT ALL for this time to even come NEAR ending.

I miss my babies in so many ways and my heart and empty womb are aching for them on some weird level not even understood by me.

Maybe this is normal?

Maybe this makes sense?

Maybe this is how I am supposed to feel?

Should I have a baby????

No I will not go and kidnap that adorable little guy from my colleague.

No I will not go and grab the cute 22 yr. old summer student at work and ask him if he would make a baby with me.

No I will not try and ask my husband to reverse his vasectomy.

I will consider buying a puppy. And let that image of that baby let it do to me what it did today. And feel all the jealously and sadness and yearning that went with it.

Wanting something that will not be.

And understanding and embracing the season I am in.