My Body is Talking to Me

I am not a body person. I have always been more in my head than my body. When people around me talk about stomach aches from nerves, or butterflies, or pounding in their hearts it is hard for me to relate.

I know this sounds crazy but I barely even notice that much when I am sick, or recovering from surgery, or throwing up, or even having a baby of 10.5lbs without an epidural until minutes before he was born, was doable for me. I feel lots of  pain but I can block it out from my head. My body and head are not in sync all the time.

Even for eating my body will crave a healthy peach and my mind will say “no its vacation  so eat a square of chocolate and live it up”. It is ridiculous,

Lately however my body is talking to me. It is asking for protein and fiber, calling out for 30 minutes of exercise daily. All of these things I often do but they are my head telling me to make the decision and not my body guiding me. So the decisions made are harder to act upon be they are intellectaul vs emotional or physical.

Lately my body wants to hug more, and feel more, and get stronger and do more.

My mind? Well it still run 24 hrs. A day.but I do sleep well and more often.

So this morning after 3 weeks of vacation I was returning to work. A day that was CRAZY busy with literally hundreds of emails and wok ahead. Three weeks off is a long time in my role especially without checking in. I started only checking in two days before and I was SCARED.Scared. And not just in my mind..But in my body (don’t get me wrong I adore my work but it is hard what I do)

So this morning I had butterflies and dizziness and almost tears in the shower. I felt stress and anxiety in my heart and lightheaded. I was so distraught about my state but also so happy! This has never happened much to me for work (more so at hospitals with kids in surgery etc.)

I am human after all!!!!

And I ate a protein bar for the first time in my life this morning because my body asked for it. OMG! And I took an Advil at work when my head hurt .And I made an apt to have a nutritionist coach me

I also last night made two hard decisions (or no decisions) with my body.

My 12.5 year old daughter wanted to go alone to Laronde today without groups of friends and no parent. My body said sleep on it. I did and woke up and delegated the decision to my husband. My son Chases was out last night and not texting where he was and I wanted to go to sleep. So I told my son Bear to stay up for him and went to sleep.

(my body seems to also enjoy delegating)

Powerful!

My life is getting ready for Phase 2:   Teens. It is like preparing for childbirth-you have no idea until you are there…and with a 16.5 yr. old this is no dress rehearsal anymore. I am there. My body is preparing for combat I think. I thought I knew at 12 yrs..and then again at 14 yrs..but I did not. this is the real thing people.

Anyways today at work I took it email by email. Problem by problem. Request by request. I stopped being such a little body sissy for the day and got my usual minty act together of course.

Now by the end of the day? I am in sync again with my mind. And welcoming my new guest, of my body. I am looking forward to getting to know you body!

 

 

 

 

Vaction

(I know the title is outright boring. Not a creative bone in my body these days it seems!)

Some people make fun of my lists and many people admire me for it. One day I will write a post specifically on the lists I have made over the years and the notebooks they fill and the impact on our family life and my work life.

Today I will discuss my vacation lists.

Don’t get me wrong these are not “to do” lists. I would never be caught dead doing anything remotely boring or tiring on vacation like cleaning out  cupboards or balancing my budget. (Therein lies the problem very likely about weather on vacation). My vacation lists are all about pleasure.

We have had  a list for each vacation at the cottages. Sunny/Cloudy/Rainy lists. This year cloudy and rainy have all been crossed our clearly! We have done everything from bowling to go carting to golf to tons of treats nights.

Yesterday it finally cleared up and we took the long drive to Tremblant to do la luge (go kart) down the whole mountain. We arrived and the sun was finally shining upon us! We took the chairlift to the top and as we waiting our turn we saw the sun turn to clouds, turn to rain and turn to massive storm! And we had to get down!

So we did. All the away done the mountain in the slippery slidy conditions in the pouring rain. Soaked! Soaked soaked! The kids thought was a blast. Adults? Not so much.

The kids were a little humiliated when I took off my pants at the bottom, wrapped a coat around my waist and headed to “dry” my pants under the hand dryer in the bathroom. Not impressed at all. I personally thought I was a genius.

Then we all debated for about an hour if we should still spend the petty penny to go as planned to the fondue/raclette place we go to once a year in  Tremblant and spend a small fortune but eat like kings. Was it worth it to go as wet, smelly, ugly, soaking dogs?

We decided yes it was.

There were two girls in prom dresses there staring at our gorgeous boys all night. Bear had to literally hide behind the cheese! Imagine they had not looked like wet dogs-they may have even gone as far as  given them their numbers.

As it turned out it was a fabulous day and evening. Maybe the best dinner we have ever had out as a family even. I hate to admit it but I might even be becoming happy in the rain. I might actually even like it a bit.

Today once again woke up early to the sun-woke Hubby from slumber and headed out on kayaks. Then guess what after 15 mins? Yup! Turned right back.

Later in the day between rain and storms made whole family jump with me in freezing cod lake and they did. Then into the Jacuzzi. Having the best conversations ever in there and thunder and lightning. Chase literally pushed all our asses out fast the safety guy he is (literally pushed our asses). He made us all get out first before he did. For safety he is a total gentleman. Huge storm again!

Later on in the day Hubby and Bear went golfing, Beauty danced and Chase took me out on the boat for an hour. He officially drives it by himself, parks it, anchors it..it is amazing to watch. And watching him the other day on the Jet Ski was amazing too. It was scary to watch as he does so may jumps and tricks and the speed is hard to watch-but overall just so proud of the man he is becoming. He really is in the driver’s seating now….literally. On boats, in cars, on jetskis, on dirt bikes. He is truly skilled for a 16.5 yr old-his friends are far behind him when it comes to this stuff. It is nice to see him ahead in this area than his peers..since he has been a late bloomer in some other areas.

Now Friday morning and other day of clouds and haze but then broke out into beautiful hot sunshine for 5 hrs. Now it is storming like crazy but we had 5 hrs on the lake to enjoy watching the kids wakeskate (new sport) and they took two hundred photos of themselves doing this. Beauty and I swam in the lake and we all had burgers with melted brie and fried mushrooms. Cucumbers and hummus and a big bucket of iced tea.

I know my standards are low having only 5 hours of sun in 22 days-but I am taking what I can get at this point. It made me realize how beautiful vacation can be in the sun and how good heat makes humans feel.

Two more days left and back to reality. I always know when the vacation is coming to an end as the kids start really getting on my nerves and aggravating me where usually I love hanging out with them. I start missing my routine, missing eating healthy, exercising and seeing my Mom and friends. There is always that tipping point..three weeks is a long time, especially in rain. I think I am doing well just reaching a slight tipping point now

Lucky for me…my reality is also really good too. I have many things to look forward to. And depending on how Beauty’s X-ray goes on august 21…..we might even plan a family vacation with my Mom in November. With Chase and all his new found freedom on bikes and cars and boats…I know that these vacations as five at sea? Won’t be lasting much longer; the others will be close behindL.

Soon enough we will be “Five @ Sea”…minus three.

 

Has my Pity Party ended Yet?

No..not really

(sorry juts being honest!)

The weather still SUCKS! You have never seen anything like it. Can’t plan to go golf-or bike or miniputt as rains on and off throughout the whole day unpredictable.

But..I have resigned myself to the weather. The longer bad things happen to me the more I get accustomed to them it seems. The easier it is. It is the initial shock of “oh my we have 24 days of crap weather” that really gets to me

After I resign myself I am actually fairly peaceful . And this blog does a lot for my venting abilities.

I got so many nice emails after my last blog. I think I shocked a few people actually with my non rose colored class and my glass half empty attitude. My aunt sent me suggestions to out on a family play, my sister in law ides for contests for iMovie’s and cooking and suggested to the library and rent a yoga video. My sweet niece reads my blog everyday (I love this!!!!!) and I could feel that she was a little worried for me tooJ

All good ideas and thanks of all the loveJ))!!

The thing is it’s hard to explain that our passion? It’s for Water. Jet skiing, sailing, kayaking, wakeboard, wakeskate, slalom, water singing, kneeboard, tubing, boating, surfing, windsurf. Its kind like as if someone went to NYC for three weeks to look at art and all museums were closed. Or to TangleWood for music and all the musicians were sick, or to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and the mountain had crumpled. All great ideas and alternatives (we are doing plenty to keep busy and happy)…but just SUCKS that we can’t enjoy and any of our passions this year.

But we are doing well of course. We are living together and being together and just keeping it simple. We went bowling, and watch movies, and make bucket lists and rented a jet ski in the cold and wore hats and gloves and socks and Billyboots and had a great day. Tonight we are going to do “la luge” in the rain done the Tremblant Mountain and eat fondue.

I wish we were not as outdoorsy as we are. We will need to change that. We literally feel it is a crime to stay inside in summer ever….we look at people funny who do. We live (d) outdoors. Have to change that and get some serious new hobbies. I just can’t seem to convert to the plays and contests as wonderful as I think those ideas are!!!!

Anyways there is always a lesson to be learnt isn’t there in life? These three complete weeks of rain and crap have taught me the following:

1-l need to not separate life and vacation so much in my head. One has to flow into the other.

2-I need to seriously seriously seriously take up a hobby that I adore (besides reading and writing) that have nothing to do with weather

3-I need to listen to the angel (my Dad in a wetsuit in the sky-whole other story) and garden???? OMFG!!

4-I need to learn from my husband’s example

5-I need to understand that the goal that was given to us this summer on vacation is to rebuild, and live simply and normally. Everything has a purpose.

6-Always book a vacation down south in the summer

7-Never take these weeks in July again

8-Never have sports like ours that are  money pits and weather dependant

9-always have a backup plan

10-Continue to be a kind and loving wife and mother even if your insides are screaming: “SHINE ON ME ALREADY”

11-Learn to be the type of person who likes family plays, and craft contests (it’s never going to happen even if I try-same goes for gardening)

12-Count my blessings that for this very moment in time. For right now and right here…that weather is still my biggest obstacle.

13-Know that one day I will be thankful for these weeks as have a lot of time to think and have decided on my next two books( and keynote speeches). In 5-7 yrs I will be well known. Yup confidence never hurt did it??

13-be thankful that the more negative, more dramatic and more I swear on my blog? My worldwide  blog audience grows and grows!!!!!

 

I Need to Change the Name of my Blog

Weather does matter to me right now. And my family. Three weeks off-two already completed and out of 14 days..only 2 have been decent weather. And guess what is predicated all this week? Rain, cold, wind. Highs of 17 degrees every day until day we leave (with rain and storms so even planning golf is out)

Plus week we had alone without our kids where we worked in day but had evenings free and brought boat back? One night we were able to actually enjoy the boat and weather.  The rest? Pathetic. Expensive, Frustrating. Disappointing.

This seems to be the first year we are totally letting it get to us. Usually we manage to have a great vacation despite weather (hence the name of blog). This year? We have no fight left in us..No energy to go bowling every day and play inside darts, and card games. No energy to pretend that after we work out asses off all year to earn vacation and to pay for this cottage that it is ok with us not to be able to enjoy the lake and the dock, and the boat. Not ok at all to not even to be able to sit outside comfortably without sweaters and blankets. I am done going for kayak rides and freezing my ass off.

And I realize with my heart and soul that these are first world problems.

But hey you know what? I have had my share of not first world problems this year too. And all of them are still ongoing. Speaking from experience I can safely say there is not a whole lot worse than worrying about the short and long term health of your child….if her X-ray is bad in august and she needs major, major surgery?: Don’t expect anything from me at all. Broken, shattered. I have run my course. So has she. I can't believe that at least the weather would not shine down on us this year

So yes. In theory the weather should be the least of my concerns but for some reason right now..it is not. It is a big deal. And we are all really pissed off about it. Feels like a huge slap in the face. For four weeks. And yes we are bonding as a family, and yes spending time as a couple and with the kids, and yes getting things done we never have time to do…and blah blah blah blah blah…its all true. But we are not doing anything  close to what people should be doing on a vacation.

And while I am at the big pity party for myself why don’t I add that actually the health of a child is more important than the health of any animal in every circumstance, that my poor  Mom fell again while she was at my cottage and now restarted her 7 month concussion , and that no that is not appropriate to do or say “ “  when someone has recently stopped drinking!  

And while I am at it : Watching your daughter wear a brace in summer is heartbreaking for a parent when in summer you are meant to be free as a child. And no it does not get easier to watch. And no….you are right..maybe I am not myself lately. And my daughter-well she is swearing more and a little crankier yes. And my husband is a little quieter actually yes. And yes my son-he still does have ADD which has taken a big backseat in light of everything else –but yes it is still there.

And why not tell the world: after 42 yrs of getting my period every 33 days for 8 days heavy and straight now I am getting it every second or third week. Still long and heavy. With my daughter now.  Two bitchy woman in the rain and cold it seems.

(I don’t even give a shit about cupcakes these days).

Poor poor poor little me right?

You know what?

Yes. For once  I will take my space and say poor me.

So tonight it is raining and it is cold yet again. And tomorrow too. And the next day and the next. And yes it was sweet and cozy and nice for a while-but I just feel like we need some fun..some luck..some ease..some simplicity..something easy for once.

And that is what I have to say today.

And unfortunately for you? You stumbled on this pathetic stupidly named blog. I suggest you choose a blog full of happiness and sunshine for the next time.

 

Joy in the Midst Of

 

Yesterday was  mid-way of vacation for us. We took three weeks at cottage with minimal social plans, minimal commitments and minimal guests. This year real rest and relaxation in every shape and form.

And it has been good-and really really different. Very relaxing and very ordinary. Very normal. Normal in a good way. Very different for us.

Weather has been very on and off-not what you would expect from July-but not all terrible either. Very unpredictable and hard to plan if we can be outside as sometimes hot, sometimes freezing, sometimes windy, sometimes raining. All over the place. Mostly very cold ,not summery and very windy. Trying to stay positive and live up to the name of my blog!!

Bear and Beauty have been back from camp for 6 days now and that is also very different for us all-having two out of three. It’s a totally different dynamic. Totally. They are getting very close and do a lot together (even decided to share a room to sleep). They also choose days to fight a lot too and not get along (like yesterday!). They talk a ton more than when Chase is here, and make us laugh and tell millions of stories about camp, and play games from camp and are just really different than when the three of them. It’s really cool to watch.

 

Last night we started to be more social and spent evening at  my Soulkeeper’s cottage and with her gorgeous three little kids and Hubby and had a blast. We all adore cottage life and this is very bonding for us all. Fishing and boating and picnic table meals and sitting on the dock. It was an amazing night. They will come over here next week-it is easy with their kids as their kids are independent and fun and adventurous and our kids just take care of them. It all just works out. And our Hubbies are really good friends. It’s an  amazing relationship that involves both families all the way. We never met parents who’s parenting style and life resembles ours more-we share so many values. Every time I see them interact with their kids or discipline them-it like a déjà vu of our lives. They probably even do it a shade better than we did. But I love this feeling of sharing the raising of kids in the same way. It such an awesome feeling to connect on that fundamental level and know that the advice we both provide and receive resonates so much.

 

We have Hubby’s family coming over Friday for the day and the big Regatta at Holidays on Saturday. We have been eating great meals here, grocery shopping, kayaking, swimming, hitting golf balls at the range, watching movies, being silly in the evenings, taking Jacuzzis, tubing, sailing, eating on the dock in the wind. The next couple of days guys may play golf and fish, girls may go bowling; we are going to dock boat in village today and go out for lunch at the diner. Tonight try to catch a fish at dusk. Settle in for an episode of Breaking Bad.

It’s all normal and ordinary and good yet everything has changed.

I love Bear’s affection and Beauty’s attention. It’s a honor to watch these kids grow and sad to see it all happening so fast.

“They days are long but the years are short”

Trust me the cliché is true.

Got a call from Chase today. Ps the whole him not alling and texting us this week is really not working out (he has asked us to buy a 3k bike hahahah!) Then the clincher-he wants to stay 2 more days!!! Give and inch and take a mile I tell you. This really pissed us off. We felt we were so generous letting him stay another week of our vacation together and now he wants more.

So we spend a few hours debating what the right strategy to deal with this and the right answer was-and in the and we are letting him decide but being very clear on our point of view and reasons not to stay. He seems to be very clear on his reasons too. His voice after these three weeks of growing up is almost unrecognizable and I am not even kidding. So he will let us know his decision tomorrow and will pay every penny of the extra two days himself if he decides to stay. It will break the other two kids heartsL But I am know that you can’t hold a kid back because of other kids. It’ not right. But it is still not fun!

Anyways as I sit here in the clouds and rain this morning my heart feels a bit heavy. Things feel like they are changing too quickly and I am not quite ready. What we used to talk about as being in the future is now in our present. I feel scared. I feel incomplete.

Anyways vacation is wonderful and good for our souls and our hearts and our bodies.There is no wine on our table-or sunset drinks on the dock, there are not people coming and going, there is not sun shining down making way for our watersports, we are not sleeping outside anymore. There is no real way to describe in words this year, this summer, and this vacation. The only thing we have right now is the present moment and day-or so it feels.

We are rebuilding, we are discovering. We are in the mist of change. Awaiting our fates with baited breath. For the year to end, for X-rays to be had. For life to get back to our old normal but know it will not.

We are becoming to understand ordinary and learning the ropes of what that feels like exactly and seeing how it sits with us. Me, willing my heart to catch up with my brain, and understand that ordinary is extraordinary-after many years of conditioning to think otherwise.

Joy in the midst of.

 

Devotion

I learnt something the other day:

Some people really, really love what they do for a living.

As I was getting my bikini section groomed and hot wax was being poured and ripped off my private section-my esthetician and I started discussing my upcoming vacation at the cottage.

I then politely asked her between groans of pain if she was taking vacation this summer and she said “yes one week-but if it were up to me I would never take a vacation”

I said “why the hell not?”

And she said “because I adore my job and want to be here every day of my life”

Really? Do you have another job other than waxing people’s genital areas and eyebrows? I silently thought and almost said aloud

Is this possible?

Yes it is. Shame on me for making such judgments and jumping to conclusions! Silly girl I am!

Diversity!!!!

(But seriously how could she like waxing so much.??? I always think it must be utterly disgusting to have to wax hair on people’s bodies but hey I guess I am wrong!

Good for her.

But honestly I love my job too-but I honestly love my time away from it too! Get a life waxing woman! Some hobbies! Some friends! Some interests!

(there I go judging again…I can’t help it… I used the mint body was him the shower. That must be why).

Strawberry tomorrow for sure.

Anyways….Made me re-think my career. Maybe I would not need as much vacation time if I were a wax lover?

I mean at this point is someone took away my vacation days? I would die. Or scream and shout .And I am not even kidding.

Anyways thought I should share this incident. It was just so ludicrous really.

So yes I now have a great set of eyebrow and a great bikini line. She is really good at her job. Next time I will ask her cell number and call her if in a jiffy And I am certain she would not mind her time to be interrupted for a waxing emergency (is there such a thing?)

But for now I am in awe. And a harsh judge. And a little disappointed in her actually. And stunned.

Yes body wash is in order. Keeping it real!

 

Slap in Face or Pat on Back?

 

Our kids were all coming home from camp on Friday..for our two week family vacation. We were so excited so go get them from their respective camps and hug them and spend two uninterrupted weeks with them!

Then we go this Wednesday night:

“Hi Parents! This text is not to worry you but to tell you that I am having an AMAZING time and seriously considering staying here an extra week. I am truly having the time of my life. Love you! Chase”

Hmmmm. Wow. Gulp.

I truly cannot tell you the emotions that went through both of us when were received that text. A  true paradox. Joy. Sadness. Pride. Tears. Sheer happiness. Sheer Sadness.

It is official-our boy is growing up. And out.

And of course it would be ok if he stayed. The third week cost ¼ of the other two weeks anyways. The full program is 3 weeks to be a certified counsellor for downhill biking and we had negotiated that he do 2/3 of program to have our vacations together. And of course we still have a week all together on vacations. Of course we would allow him to stay of that is what he wanted. It makes sense right?

But it was the first time that he was completely separate than us. He was in the lead, the drivers sat (literally) and calling the shots, according to his own life. Things have changed.

And how did this happen so quickly and so swiftly? We are still so confused. Our eldest son actually asking to stay at sleep away camp??? The child who went each year with his teeth gritted to various camps knowing is was necessarily for his wel-lbeing (and ours) but waiting to come home with baited breath each time (although he always had a great time) not being able to wait to watch TV and sleep in his own bed and be with his family? The same boy who told me as he chose the certification camp this year himself and was super excited to go that over his dead body would he stay three week even if he loved it? What happened? And ps did I mention there is no TV there or computers or video games or I Pads. That the bunk beds are uncomfortable and they are in the middle of wilderness?

Life happened. Maturity. Growing up. Being individual.Freedom.

At this camp he is a CIT so a helper to the instructors. Part of the Staff. They get to ride most the day, clean part the day, cook part the day and have a blast at night. They don’t have bedtimes the campers do or the constraints. Weekends there in Bromont in a condo the 5 of them are minimally supervised between camps. They go out every night into Bromont and to restaurant (and god knows what else!) they on weekends have to buy their own food and cook it themselves. Freedom. And he seems to be loving it.

And during camps and certifications and vacations we disconnect. We have always had that rule in our family. We disconnect and live in the present moment and so do our kids in their own experiences. We don’t get news and neither do they until the day before camp is over. It is our gift to them and to us. It is our way to of letting them know how much we trust them and respect their privacy. Also a way to let them know that our privacy and vacations are important to us too. And all three do super well with this-it has made them who they are. Very, confident, secure, responsible teens (so far!!!)

So eventhough he is free as bird for two whole weekends between camp with the director having their cells and knowing their comings and goings and overall responsible but with tons of freedoms….we are not there keeping tabs or approving what he does or does not do. There is no checking in like at home or ensuring he is safe and sound. He is a CIT there and hopefully making good choices. And it is fairly easy for us to do because normally his  decisions are great ones. He has fully earned our trust. The trust that he is an amazing human being who will experiment, make mistakes, and get right back on track.

Our major expectation of our kids when they are at camp or anywhere else away from us (or us from them) is that they live the experience fully and in the present. Fully and separately. It is part of growing up. No matter how much I am warned or encouraged-I will never be the parent who looks at all my kids texts and monitors, or goes into their Facebook accounts often to see what they are up too. It is literally against every value I have about child rearing and parenting. Sure is there is an issue I will get involved or maybe snoop a little if necessary here and there if there is reason for me to think something off-but not until I am driven to that point. Not ever. Nor have any of my kids up to this point given me reason to ever fully mistrust them. They are growing up as they should with bumps along the way and whole lot of self  regulation. Experimenting, learning, building, living. PS when Beauty gets Facebook she might need some snoopingJ)) But it will be here brothers and not me doing this snooping. I would have hated my parents if they listened into my phone conversations as a teen.....truly.

So there it is. We are now on vacation with our other two munchkins (more posts on that homecoming later!). We are enjoying them to the fullest-big nap on the boat the four of us in the sun yesterday….silly cuddles and tickles and laughter on the couch late at night before bed. It is amazing to have them home. It is a different dynamic for sure sans Chase and always has been. He takes up a lot of space..and always has. In a very good way. But without him is great too in a different way (but we miss him!!)….and we will enjoy every moment of this family vacation this week with four and next week with five.

And yesterday he broke the cardinal rule of no calling from camp or texting and called and said”Mom..are the kids back from camp? Didn’t they want to call me???”

And so I put him on the phone with each of them. And enjoyed every moment of that phenomenal love between them. Every moment of their older brother adoring them and being adored. Understanding that their lives go way way beyond their parents at this point. And this is a point of no return.

And returning to the shock of that text of Chase telling us he was busy growing up for another week and realizing with full certainty that it was not a slap in the face to us……it is a pat on the back for the parents we are and are being.

We have taken child of ours who has had many obstacles in life (his ADHD was undiagnosed until the age of 15yrs which has been hard in many ways )and helped him to find his wings to soar. Both towards us. And away from us. We did this-with him. Together.

Tonight since it is not really a camp week but an extra week we will all text him and wish him a great week. Maybe check in that he is alive up there with so much freedom?

I love this child (little man). With my heart and soul.If this is how it feels to truly love? I am really good at it.