Mama Bear's 65th in Pictures

I have the best Mom.

And my kids have the best grandmother

Point. Finale.

She is as integrated into our lives as any one of the five of us.

I love her so so so so much. She is and always has been my everything.

She is not too healthyL Many many medical issues for many many years. She looks o young but inside she is hurting too often.

Add a concussion on top of that 18 months  and post-concussion syndrome and then another concussion and you have a messy situation.

I don’t talk about it much anymore because it just breaks my heart to feel it:(.

Every wish I have is for her to be out of pain.

On July 1st was her surprise 65^th. It was truly beautiful.

With the rain and her not feeling well that day I was sure the day was doomed-but it was wonderful.

How could it not be with her at the center?

I Think a Mistake Might have Occurred Here?

Like right here. In my present life.

Everything is out of order and nothing seems the same.

Hey Doc..what happened?

I don’t take showers at 4pm in the afternoon

I don’t take a break from 12-2pm and eat lunch and suntan in my pool

And I certainly don’t work Friday evenings until 10pm..Because I just feel like it.

I don’t book appointments on what is supposed to be a vacation day

I treasure weekends don’t I?

I don’t start work at 7am. I start at 9:30 am

When I wake up of course I know what day it is of the week don't I? It’s not possible that most days of the weak it’s a blur and I have no clue?

I don’t ever wish that the day would be shorter than longer do I?

I would certainly not be living in a perpetual shade of grey would I with no idea of what is next and hoping for the best?

Could it be possible that I would trust the process and go with the flow? Well and successfully?

Could it even be possible that I have not had a minute to design a LinkedIn profile because people have been reaching out to me constantly professionally?

Did I actually go and eat Thai food by at a lakeside restaurant with Chase and my Protector in the middle of the day and not look at my watch or phone once to see what time it is? (Ok I don’t own a watch just thought sounded goodJ)

Did I just follow my own intuition today and not plan the day and just go with it? Work, read, blog, work, Thai, eat with kids, work again.

Did I offer to make dinner for 8 teens????? And enjoy cooking  it

Did I look out to my driveway and see no car there and be ok with sharing my car with Chase? Not stress about the fact that I had to be somewhere at 6:30pm and had no way to get there except by foot?

Doctor….something is going on.

I can’t say if these are bad symptoms or good systems yet doc. Time will tell. Let’s see how this disease progresses ok?

Is it possible to be yourself and not recognize yourself and your life?

Is it possible to inhabit a routine that is so foreign to your soul?

Is it possible to not know if you love or hate it? Or maybe a bit of both

I smile when I least expect it

Crying creeps up on me

Doctor Doctor…..I have a bad case...of just too much change. I think I might be allergic to transition. I have cravings for stability. Can you prescribe some peace and joy while you are at it? Give my teens some pills to slow down their aging process? Keep them littler for me?

I think doctor that if you just gave me a chance to take breaths in between big changes all would be good.

Yes that would be just fine.

Thank you.

And PS-maybe this is my new life? My new normal?

PSS-maybe I even like it ? (a little)

Still

What is it that feeling..why so heavy on my heart and so often here?

No matter what is going on beautiful on the outside, it is still  there inside of me.

Joy and Peace are there so often but they are fleeting too. I can’t seem to capture them fully. They fly away from me. Shall I chase them more? Follow them?

Everything is always right, but there is a weight on my heart.

I try to get rid of it, but it comes back and then won’t leave again.

Do other people have this too? I feel so alone so often.

I watch people laugh but don’t always feel like joining

I watch people be free but feel trapped

I always want more, but have no clue what More is because quite frankly I have it all.

Maybe I too have ADHD? A friend suggested that to me the other day and as crazy as it sounded for one of the most organized and focused people she knows there as an element there that resonated-with both of us.

Why can’t I stop searching? What am I searching for? Will I ever find it?

I don’t want to be searching anymore.

I don’t want to be thinking all the time

I don’t want to be feeling that joy and peace are for others and not for me

I want my insides to match my outsides

I want to live fully

But I don’t seem to know how-as close as I get this feeling always comes back

How can you capture something if you don’t even really know what you are chasing?

And what if you don’t even want to be chasing anymore and you just want to feel still.

Be still.

Be happy. With your abundance of blessings.

Be grateful for everything you have that everyone else would cut off a leg to have.

Keeping it real.

Letting you all in

Into what is going on today inside

Another Layer?

Lately the universe has amazed me in various ways.

I am starting to believe there are layers that are unknown to me. It has always been this way for me..Spiritual on many levels, but not traditionally religious at all.

However lately there have been a series of events that have made this other layer idea more pronounced. My mind is taking me to places that I am not willing it to go. My subconscious is on overdrive.

One of my BFF’s and I the other day really talked about fate, and destiny and lessons the universe wants us to learn. Both of us agreed that likely we look towards spirituality and religion to explain what seems inexplicable at some point in our lives. We both agreed for us that we could picture ourselves becoming religious one day if tragedy hit and we needed some serious comfort and something to hang onto.

And what is wrong with comfort?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Religion appeals to me in many ways. And turns me off in so many ways too. A paradox.  

Lately I am realizing there is a whole other layer out there for me. Some of it more spiritual in nature and most of it just a life I have not yet experienced. Different crowds, different values, different interests. A different life is out there.

I just have not been ready to access it yet. Neither am I ready to access it now…yet.

But I will be.

In  Sept Hubby and I are getting serious about fitness and health (will be first time in my life that I take it to this level) the beginning of a whole new world.

If I wasn’t so afraid of what I would hear. I would go to a psychic that has been recommended that could read the future entirely.

Music in my heart. Ink in my pen.

There is a part of my personality I really want to give up (too private for the  public blog). If I can do it –it will set me free. And there are parts of me I want to let further in. I am off to a really good start on this one. Really good. It feels foreign but amazing. Sometimes lately I don’t recognize who I am . Taking the foundation from beneath someone (career, health of child, health of mom, changed marriage dynamic) really does wonders in terms of transformation. You have no choice then to adapt and change.

I am a work in progress-and I trust I will always be. That other layer of life is awaiting me. I am curious and excited to meet it.

A Walk in the Rain after Work

Why did we Walk Home in the Rain Today?

After work-Hubby and I decided to meet half way by walking on the lakeshore in the rain with our umbrellas. It was really nice actually. Never in our lives have we done this; nor ever did my schedule permit this indulgence at the end of the day.

Things have changed.

It was a lovely sweet walk-but why we did it???

We don’t have a car tonight!!!

Because this boy of ours took it to his girlfriends because:

HE GOT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE TODAY!!!!!

The blog is all about Chase lately, but I can’t help it! Graduation! Cegep Registration! Prom! Driver’s license! Financial advisor yesterday to open a stock and mutual fund account with job money he got from his ski instructor job this winter! Chase! OMG

He has had his learners permit for a year now-but very different feeling when we are in the car. Thankfully we all deem him a very safe and excellent driver so not so worried but it’s an odd feeling tonight to know that is driving around in our car.

Tonight he went to surprise his girlfriend (purposefully did not tell her his test was in the next few weeks) He wore the suit he worth to prom and went and picked he up in our carJ)) and he took her out to dinner and treated her to Jukebox. They are coming back her soon to tell us all about it. When he got license he immediately dropped Hubby at work and drive to two of his buddy’s homes to show off.

It was a really cool day. Life will change around here..he will now do more errands for us, tomorrow he is picking up Beauty and her BFF for and event from their camp, he will be asking us day and night to use one of the cars and we will get tons lots of fights about that as most often we need two cars, we will worry more when he is out, we will sleep less.

A new phase of life has begun.

It’s all gonna be okJ

Summer Kick off at Trent

Each kid this weekend had a guest at the cottage. We do this always at the beginning of the summer and at the end more systematically and in between here and there too. It works out so well and they all have their alone time but then also hang out as a big group too.

The Saturday was really nice boating weather and the Sunday miserable and rainy. On Saturday we spent whole day outside and a big dinner and then everyone went to watch Lost in their respective corners (all on different seasons!). Sunday all the kids went to Mr. Pizza and then the girls went bowling and everyone else juts hung out lazily. I guess we liked it enough in rain since still only still got home at 11pm. Chase and spent the afternoon getting  all ready for Cegep and choosing all courses as was registering the next day. whole new stage and also schedule

One very very unfortunate event is that Timbit (Bear friends broke his ankle:((( Wakeboarding..And he is a pro too and has been doing all his life. False move and ..crack.. We thought for 24 hrs was sprained only so made him crutches of sticks etc. and elevated with ice. By the next day had to go to hospital and X-ray etc.

His summer is ruined :((( also he just got out of an arm cast last week!!!!!!

Below some pics of the good parts of the weekend.....

Chase and his girl

Me and the girl. Such a sweetie. They are so cute together 

Poor Timbit with his homeade cruthes

Beauty and O snuggling as always

D on tube! she agreed! Never seen her laugh more as she watched Chse and Bear on it

The girls with Hubby

Planche a voile! I love how these girls are such outside people

Right before the accident:((

Right after:(((

So happy Beauty is included too in their relationship

Love O! Have known these girls for years and years..adore them

Timebit was such a great wakeboarder too..

Chase takes boat out alone now...so od

Summer has Begun!

Around here there are definite signs of summer…a list of the ways we know it has officially begun!

Home:

Lots of sleeping in kids

Bear at 6:45am kayak competition practice someday and other days he sleeps through alarm

“Lost” series around the clock (sometimes kids watch more than 10 episodes per day-we are all addicted!)

Apple cutters, smoothies, piles of cucumbers, baby carrots and ice cream

10 or more spontaneous and uninvited teens extra for dinner any night of the week!

Lots and lots of noise (while I am trying to work!)

Sun tanning by the pool and phones dropping in pool

Bali beds being pulled to pool for sun tanning

Bikes and bikes and bikes in the garage

“Mom can we go in the pool???? You don’t need to be here Erik/Olivia/Noah/Cassie are almost lifeguards!!!”

Dishwashers being emptied and stacked many times a day

Mess after mess in the house, pool water and towels everywhere

Lots of frozen fruit for smoothies being blended

No routine or schedules most of the time

No clue who is where or with whom or who is coming home when until last minute

Everyone (including us) falling asleep on bail beds and couches and getting up in middle of night (or not!) and pulling ourselves to bed

Watermelons!!

At Trent

Lawn being mowed for extra pocket money

Planche a voile as a float

Wakeboard (with sprained anklesL), surf, long wetsuits, knee boards

Year end summer gifts

Falling asleep  (trying to at least)with girlfriends on dock bail beds under the stars

Family cocktail conversations cards

Big gangs of friends

Mr. Pizza and bowling in the rain

Clue! Poker!

Jobs around the house

Cream cheese chicken, big spaghettis, summer pastas,steaks on the BBQ with parsley sauce.

Banana popsicles and ice cream cones

Loud, long conversations on the outside porch at dinner

Loud reminiscing on the porch late at night (dinners 10:30pm anyone?)

Sleeping in until 11am

Snacks all over the place in every room possible

Hot dog wieners with mustard for breakfast

Lots of friends, lots of love

Long kayak rides in the rain

Rainbows

Fishing off the dock

Big Boxes of books being delivered

Messages been sent from spirits above and listened to..

Summer had begun! And summer vacation has not even started yet!!! Can’t wait to be off work, with no schedule, with no routine at all for the adults too. Can’t wait to indulge and sleep and read and relax and enjoy every single delicious moment.

SummerJ))

Like sweet Livvie (Beauty’s friend) said to me yesterday on the dock

“Ahhh cottage life..I could do this every weekend Tarina….I am a nature girl and not a city girl. Cottage time is a good life for kids ”