People often ask me why I am such a fan of technology breaks-for both kids and adults. I will tell you why:
Because breaks from it all makes us more present in our lives.
When I work with couples and families one of the first things I recommend is to get unplugged for certain periods of the day and the week. To make a deliberate choice to choose each other and family over work, friends, the Internet and life on Google.
I kid you not that in most cases it is an addiction. Taking these forced breaks for most people is like asking them to stop smoking or drinking and in many cases probably equally as hard. However I strongly feel it is necessary to really connect with the people who are around you, and to be present with them, and to focus on them, and to start making choices around what we do with our time.
I would argue that our increasingly prevalent technological society has led to the breakdown of the modern family. Blackberries have replaced time in front of the fire chatting with the kids. Computer games have replaced Monopoly games and cell phone texting has replaced live conversations with our children.
Sometimes I am tempted to tell thet families I have worked with to go camping for a week together and bring no technology at all. Chances are high they would learn things about their kids in that week that they never even know existed. Chances are the kids would learn things about themselves and their parents that they could not know if they are bottled up with screens and sirens all day long.
Trust me I know technology has many, many benefits for families as well-it’s not all bad. Texting your children is a great way to connect and keep in touch, Skype, enjoying movies together. The opportunities are endless for connection and closeness…if the family chooses to use them in that way that is.
Too often families on Friday nights will be found within the same rom each enjoying their own personal forms of technology. One on his laptop, one on her I-pod touch, one watching TV and the next on X-box Live. Mom chatting on the phone. Is this really being together though? It is probably better than being apart…but not half as powerful as enjoying an experience together.
I am asked the question often so will share with you a few rules in our household around technology. With almost 10, 12 and 14 yr. olds, I have struggled with these concepts often and have often felt I am losing an uphill battle more than once, but I can proudly say that we enjoy a lot of family time together technology free. I think we could be even better at it and I know some families that are stricter than we are around these issues, but I am pretty comfortable at this point with the rules that we have established in our home.
In our family:
-On schooldays we have an "unplugged concept" between 4:30-6:30pm and it is very strict. Unless for homework purposes, all computers, cell phones, TV etc.. are shut down. Kids do homework during this time, prepare their stuff for the next schooldays, take their showers and then play outside or inside more creatively.
-Never any technology during family dinners or family time or family meetings. That means no answering the home phones, no cell phones, no TV during these times etc.. Except on Friday night where we eat in front of the TV and it is a special treat for all of us. Breakfast is eaten all weekdays together at the table and no TV.
-None under 18 yrs of age is allowed Internet access on any handheld device. Bear bought himself his own IPod Touch with his own money and we foolishly permitted this at first. He was connected way too much of the day to friends, on messenger etc.. We now let him keep the I-Pod but have taken off Internet access. Believe it or not he even asked for this as he said “he felt he was becoming too addicted to it and it was making him miserable” We were very proud he realized his own limits and we vowed that it became a new rule in our house.
-On weekends at home between 11:30am-5:30pm we are very strict around technology and the kids unless they have a friend over are limited to one hour during this time. With friends over we are less strict as we want our house to be on “the preferred houses list” to hang out at because it is so important to us to know our kid’s friends and have our kids hang out around us. We feel if we enforced our stricter technology family rules at these times that we may lose some important opportunities to have our house as the place to hang out. It’s a tough and tricky one.. controversial I know.
-At friend's homes the kids respect the rules of that particular home. They are not expected to take our rules necessarily to different homes with them.We trust their better judgment to a large degree.
-At the cottage there are no computers or computer games allowed at all ever-unless of course for academics. TV is out too between 11am-6pm and very limited after those hours. Our kids enjoy the fresh air, water, bikes, neighbors, trampoline and a whole lot of creative fun they make up for themselves like miniput course, chopping wood and generally putzing around outside and in the garage. Along with a multitude of summer and winter sports , this keep us all pretty busy. We go to the cottage every weekend of Summer and Winter and every third weekend in Fall or Springs-so that’s a lot of technology time they don’t get and it has probably been one of the best things of keeping our kids young, carefree in a lot of ways and very close as siblings in general.
-No cell phones or computers are allowed in rooms except for homework and none of our kids until age of 18 will be allowed TV’s, computers or cells in their rooms even as teenagers.
-Kids allowed email as of end of grade 5, Facebook as of high school and cell phone as of summer before high school begins. We get good prices on kid’s cell phones because my work has a nice and affordable family plan . (since English is my kid’s second language and my first, the condition is that they have to text me in full sentences in English often, in order to keep their cell phones).
-My Guy and I unplug every single night from work and every single weekend during the hours the kids are awake. After that we do often work quite a bit (especially me) but always make sure we have couple time too as it is high priority for us. Only problem is that both my Guy and I want it all: family time, couple time, work time. We end of going to bed far too late at night despite our best efforts every single night. We use our sleep time to do all this other stuff we like which is definately not something anyone should aspire too. Got to figure it all out. How to fit it all in in a healthier way,
What I am working on now is unplugging from texting while my kids are awake in evening and always being connected. I love it so much as a great way to connect with friends, but realize I have to limit to certain times or can become all-consuming and makes me less present in whatever else it is I am trying to accomplish.
-On vacation (as we are right now for 2 weeks), we always take the first week as unplugged completely even from the kids. No texting, no emails from work or personal. We do watch movies, but that is it. The second week we call the kids once, we email with them back and forth but we do not touch our work emails. It’s our way of ensuring we are energized when we go back. It’s amazing how being unplugged let’s you just be together, and hang out, and enjoy each other and laugh and hug and cuddle and share. It’s very bonding. (Oh ya I am allowed to blog as it is a “creative outlet” and I love having time to write more often). My Guy often reads articles on the Internet but stays away from news. If there is a tragedy in the world-we will hear about it when we get back. We prefer to shelter ourselves for these two luxurious weeks from the outside world. It’s sacred to us.
So that is pretty much what we do in our house and it is a constant work in progress as the kids grow and change and I learn and make mistakes and readjust. Fundamentally what I think is important are those families giving this thought and make deliberate choices.
I have been influenced to a large degree by my sister Saavy who spends wonderful deliberate time in her family and has often shared with me about family nights, family sleepovers, technology free Sundays and has shared with me how these events have been a key role in her family life. I have built some of my unplugged rules on the basis of some of these concepts. If you ever want to check out her great blog “Raising Flowers and Skids”-please do! I learn a lot from reading about her great ideas….and am lucky to also have her as a 24-7 counselor if ever I need advice!
So all you families out there…I encourage you to take a look at what your technology patterns are like and if you feel these patterns are working for your family or against them? Do you feel burnt out by technology sometimes and if so..how can you change this or alter it? Do you feel a prisoner of your work or in charge of your work? Are you a crackberry? Do you tweet more often than you eat with your family? Do you post more often about wanting to enjoy a family outing than actually enjoying your family time together? Do your Facebook friends know you better than your real friends do? And if so why is that?
Ask yourself these questions and see what is there for you. And let me know please….as I am always looking at ways that I can encourage our family to become even less dependent on technology and more engaged with each other. I welcome your great ideas and strategies.
Off I am…to watching my fave shows Modern Family and Revenge!!! A lot of talk I am eh??? I could choose to go outside, snuggle with my hubby and listen to the waves of nature. But tonight I choose Primetime ABC right after I write about the downfalls of today’s modern world!
