In a blog the other day, the writer of a blog used the
word “flat” to describe how she was feeling in this holiday season. And it resonated
with me too. All around me at work and with friends when I ask people how they
are doing in December that say “exhausted” “beyond busy” “overwhelmed” ….or all
of those things. I am all those things too. And I will add Flat.
Now don’t misunderstand-there at many inflated moments,
moments of bursts of joy and energy and maybe even excitement. But between all
of those I am truly truly truly tired and physically exhausted which in turn I
guess makes me feel emotionally exhausted. I can literally fall asleep anywhere,
anytime and everywhere. There is barely a night anymore where I can watch TV or
read without falling fast asleep.
We arrived at the cottage planning to have a X-mas fest
of movies. A marathon actually of Christmas movies. Not that anyone really wants to do this but it is more of a should thing if I am honest. Well that
marathon will turn into one movie at 9pm if we are lucky. Now granted in
between we packed up city house to leave for cottage for the holidays, had
lunch on the way, did a few warned, made a grocery list for the next week and
our Christmas meal, unpacked for the cottage and got fully settled in and went
to do a huge grocery order and made homemade gingerbread cookies and homemade
French onion soup. Oh ya and had a nap on the couch. But still…..
And ps this was a non-work day. In the last month all of these
things usually happen with all of us attending school and work. Just like all
the families around the globe December is one big hot mess. And some of us are
flat. It always takes me a few days to
go from crazy hectic chaotic schedules to being on vacation. Christmas break is
no exception. I generally feel flat for a few days and then get back to half
inflated with some truly inflated moments here and there. I always feel a
little sad a little stressed a lot alienated and distanced before I make it to
the other side of happiness. It’s my pattern. It’s how it always been-hence why
I try to take two weeks of vacation vs one so I can be a little more pumped up
for most of the time. And we can always expect one big huge fight initiated
always by me (and my husband acting like a donkey’s ass) as the holidays
begin. It’s just our way. Let it all hang out in order to then be able to
relax and have a good time together.
I find physical exhaustion hard. I am so so much better
at the mental stuff. There is nothing in the world I detest more than packing
and I do it twice a week minimum for the cottage. It brings out the monster in
me. I am a disaster packer. I hare packing so much that a girl at work the
other day told me her husband left her after 10 yrs. of marriage with their little
kids and all I could muster up to think in my head was how sorry I felt for her
that she would have to pack continuously for the kids as now they would be
going between the two homes. I am pathetic.
There just always seems something physical to do and get
done. If it is not work which I do all the time it is grocery shopping and
cleaning and wrapping and buying and getting everyone organised or mending
clothes or god knows what. Never ending needs. Always an activity or an event
pulling me out of bed and onto my feet. And then when I have time to sleep and
lounge although I treasure this time like nobody’s business-I also feel like I
have no clue what to do with myself or that times often. Does anyone else feel
like this? Am I crazy?
So sometimes I wish I was more the Martha Stewart
Christmas lady (minus the jail part) and sometimes I am just happy being who I am.
I just one day hope I have given enough
and done enough and been enough to my kids, my family and myself. And Christmas
has a way of not only bringing out the flat lined side of me but that guilt-ridden
insecure side of me too as a mother and as a wife.
For now I will sit back and enjoy the ride-with the Christmas
Carols in the backgrounds playing , the gingerbread cookies baking that Beauty
made, the Christmas movie we are fighting over about to begin and a warm fire
in front of me burning. I took a shower to wake myself up and I smell like
apricots and peaches. My tummy is full and content from today’s Harvey’s
extravaganza. Alarm will be set for 7am in order to get to the hill on time. The Christmas tree at the cottage won’t get
put up and decorated this year as
planned and we will settle for the city one at home only.Hopefully someone will
snuggle me tonight to reassure me that I am loved and cared for –even though my
heart can be flat.
