It’s funny that when there are lessons the world wants
you to learn that there are multiple ways these lessons take form in at any given time.I guess you can call them
“signs of sorts” . For me it is often concepts or decisions I struggle with, or
have regret over, or ponder over at various times of my life-that suddenly surround
me in events discussions and circumstance repeatedly.
And then many conversations and happenings over a few
months make it all clear to me and BOOM I can let go of the thoughts that made
these areas unclear to me and everything becomes crystal clear.
Over the last few months I have had a couple of signs being sent:
1-Career. Part of me over the last while has been wondering
if I have any regrets of not climbing the career ladder faster over the years.
I am literally surrounded by woman where I work who have done this or are doing
this. Parts of it make me envious and
regret my decisions (and parts of it make me so thankful I did not do the same)
I get a ton of adrenaline from career and when I let
myself get to the edge of enjoying this adreline too much…..I get out of tune
with my family and other important areas of my life to a degree that is not
comfortable to me and not good for our lives as a unit.
I am back in tune this week. Not because I am not
enjoying the same adreleine. Not because I am not working just as hard and not
because I don’t want to achieve the same career path eventually-but the world
has been calling out to me:
No!
You are not done here yet.
And I have heard this message in many forms. Loud and
Clear.
My daughter is not ready for me not to have time to watch
her do a dance before bed. My family is not ready for me to be many weeks
calling last minute and missing dinner. My laptop is not ready to be opened on
the ski hill between slopes.My son is not ready to be dropped off at important
doctor appts to wait alone. It is too soon for me to not notice or care if the
kids are struggling at school, or facing social issues or missing our company.
They are not ready for their parents to not have the energy or time to go
through a day and not give them or their well-being a single thought. They….and
I- am not ready for the next level even if I feel a fire in my belly career
wise….they don’t yet for me. In 4 yrs. they won’t give a crap. In 4 yrs. I will
be ready to fly.
I am not ready to not be in tune. Neither are they. Which
brings me to my next message from the universe I received loud and clear over
the last few weeks?
I am an “in tune” type of person. I need proximity.
(And I could be wrong but I think our whole family is as
a family). Togetherness is key for us. It calms us down and grounds us all
relying on this foundation together. When I am too busy at work, or miss the
family dinners or we skip the cottage for three weeks we all get out of tune
with each other…and the only thing that brings us back is time together as a
family.
And don’t get me wrong it doesn’t have to be everyday or every
night at all. Even if we have 1-2 family dinners or times together a week that
is totally fine. But without those 1-2 times a week on most weeks anyways we
feel a distance. I could go days without this family togetherness but not weeks
long term. There is a big difference for me. We all get fuel from this
togetherness –I see it. In them. In us.
Savvy and I started talking about going away to
University for our eldests. Both of us very similar in terms of family time so
precious and paramount to us both. We started talking about our kids who are
growing up so fast and our thoughts and preferences around going off to
University away from home or staying at home. I had never even considered kids
going away but our conversations sparked something in me. Began thinking about
it considering it and seeing from a different angle. Would that be ok for me?
Be ok for the kids? Be ok for the family? What is best for their futures? Our futures?
The future of the family. And there are no simple answers…or truths. And
ultimately it won’t be us that decide it will be them in many ways but certainly
they will be influenced along the way by our values and preferences and the
opportunities we offer or encourage for them. What messages are important for
us to make sure they hear as they cross these milestones in thier lives family?
And then this week I worked really late and had an awful
and stressful day and I came home and the family was having a late dinner at
8:45pm and they were sitting around the table with no lights on in candle
light. Their feet were up on each other’s laps and they were all in their
pyjamas. They all looked so relaxed (probably because I was not there!!!) and
looked so happy. They were all sharing about their days and so happy and animated
and close and affectionate. And when I came home they brought me in quickly
into that circle and asked me all about my day and I told them all about it in
real terms made for teenage ears and not child’s ears (it wasa bad day!). I left that table yet again with the universe
screaming to me loud and clear:
You
are not done here. Neither are they.
You as a family still have many many years together at
this table a couple of times a week. To grow and change together.Embrace this stage and live it with them as hard as that can sometimes be as
they are teens and young adults. Keep them close.
There is a conversation I remember so clearly with a
young mom of one of the first places I worked at. She had an opposite view to
many people and me remembering it resonating with me a lot at the time even
though I was not married and had no kids at the time. She said she was going to
work full time while her daughter was young and as of her daughter became 13 yrs. old plan financially
to work part time from 13-23yrs when she assumed her daughter would leave home.
She said everyone thought this was a crazy way to plan a life but she had me intrigued.
I play that conversation out many times over in my head and remember it well.
I similar to her am probably more of an “attachment” parenter later in my child’s
lives. I sort of feel that beyond that first year of infancy many others could
do just as good (or much better if I am honest!) job with my kids in daycare
(puzzles, crafts, baking etc.) I actually think my kids benefitted in their
lives from going to daycare and me working and has made them who they are
today.
But in the teen years now and into early adult hood where
I am assuming they will live at home and be in high school. CEGEP and
university? I think we can do a much much better job than anyone else. This is my best phase-this is the phase I
rock in . The emotional side, the talking side, the life skills side, the
building of a life side. This is where we attach the most. And it goes both
ways-this is where they get the most from me and allow me in the most and we have amazing relationships (except when
they call me crazy idiot and scream in my face like last week)
For me, autonomy was huge to foster as children-it was
one of the biggest values to ensure our kids had the smarts and the confidence
to get to the stages they are at now
successfully. But I would have to say that has switched for us now. They have
the confidence and autonomy and the school they go to also doubly ensures this.
Our focus is not on autonomy anymore –it’s on other things.
My guess? All of our children will be educated close to
home. Two will end up living within a few miles of us as adults and one will go
off and travel the world and experience a ton of things for a number of years
and likely end up back within a few miles of us one day. And you know what I
could be totally wrong! And you know what? That is fine too..Whatever this
delicious life has ahead for us-will be good.
So both of these messages and signs came to me more
clearly as 2014 closes. I am a rationale person in many ways and function very
well with this way…but a big part of me is also instinctual. And I am at my
personal best when I access these instincts and use my brain in unison.
I have heard that it is not time yet to throw myself into
the next direction of my career
I have heard that I need to listen to my instincts and
keep them close to home at this milestone stage we are soon turning as a family
(and if we all live within a 30 minute radius of each other as they get older
and we pick up their kids on Tues/Thursdays afterschool, and give their kids ski lessons
on the weekends and have pizza together on Fridays nights, and they help us lift heavy furniture then hallelujah!!!!)
In my opinion this is a great arrangement and a win win for parents and their adult kids to live in this village and have this support network so close.If we get it –yahoo. If we don’t..we adapt and make something else
just as beautiful too in our family.
My instincts tell me to stay “In tune”. Whatever that
means for me and for us as a family is still to be determined but my mind and
heart are working in sync and I am following their signs. Has been so many
years that I don’t listen to my instincts enough..and now I am willing and
ready to let my heart and brain work in an orchestrated symphony.
Let’s see what music we compose.
