This weekend my husband and I are trying to practice Mindfulness
Thinking. It’s not really that we want to as much as we need to do this. It
feels like we have been given no choice but to live fully in the present. If this
is a lesson that we both need to learn..I would prefer Universe that it not has
to be taught at the mercy of my daughter?
We had to get away for a night. Desperate. Depressed.
Urgent escape needed. Too much. Too soon. All at once. A feeling of despair and
hopelessness. The brace is so much..I can’t even describe it. And the fact that
she could wear this for three years 20 hrs a day and still need spinal surgery is just
horrible….it feels hopeless to me right now although I know that is not the
case. And the worry. Worry worry that our lives have become….every 6 months the
X-ray telling us if progressive or not. The worry from this point on end that
will never go away. Ever.
Both my husband and my daughter are struggling with different
things being taken away from them in their lives. Things that were
familiar..and seemed essential and that they counted on. Things they will both
never have again.
I also feel that the peace I worked so hard to have in my
life has been ripped off of my back. And I don’t know how to get it back. I
feel like I have lost something too…something really big.
And I am angry once again. It seemed that the diagnosis
made me go through all the grieving stages. Now with the brace on I am going in
for a second round. ANGER.RAGE. Rage and anger. Asking “Why my daughter??” Why
not someone else? Anger at the people in the shopping centers looking hurried
and mad and stressed when really…their lives aren’t even stressful very likely at all.
Do they have a child at home who has to wear a brace and may have to have
spinal surgery one day even though her life is dancing and sports? I bet not. Irrational anger and fear and rage. I want it so desperately to leave my body.
So the only thing to do is be mindful. To the point that
my husband and I just signed up for an 8 week program for Wednesday nights for
two hours and a whole day weekend retreat that will teach us how to do just
this. It was created at McGill University and now very very well known around
the globe. It is expensive and proven and I have been told should be mandatory
for people in chronic stress and/or chronic pain. It is designed specifically
for this population which we are now part of. We need this course fast. April
23 is not fast enough. Wednesday is a precious night at our house..we all cook
and have family night and be together-one of the couple of times a week. We are willing to give that up for 8
weeks-that is how bad we feel. We need help. Thank god we are smart enough to know how to help ourselves.
And the basis of this course which we are already trying
to practice this weekend is the beauty of the present moment. Having just that
and only that. The present moment being enough. We all spend half out time in
the past and half in the future. The worry, the regret, the stress, the
anticipation, the revenge, the sadness. But what about the moment we are in?
Where is there time for that?
So today we went for a long walk at the cottage just the
two of us. We enjoyed the breeze on our faces. We ate the best sandwiches ever
with chicken salad and cranberry and had Italian good luck soups with lemonade.
We browsed leisurely at the pharmacy and bought a got well card for a friend.
And my husband looked at me and said over our sandwiches”
What about now-this moment? Isn’t it all we need?”
And I said "yes..yes it is"
It felt like this afternoon has been the first time since
January 13 that there has been even one single moment that worry was not an
absolute necessity. One of the very first moments that if I chose too-I could
breathe.
And last night we were so tired we literally fell onto
the couch and slept for hours and hours and hours in front of the fire with
daylight pouring in the morning. We slept until 10:30am-on a small couch in daylight.
And it was heavenly. That moment and that sleep was perfect.
We have to learn how to live a different way now. We have
not been given the choice. We have too. So does our daughter.
And it will be a long road to get there….but gadammit I
will make this beautiful for my family (excuse the language but frankly I don’t
care at this point). Somehow I have to get my mind to a place at some point to
make the lemonade from lemons I know I need to make.
And when I do?
It’s going to taste delicious. Friggin delicious let me
tell you.
But getting there??? It’s damn heart breaking. And I just need to tell you that.
