My Protector, since I have had a blog, prints out a book
of it on Valentines. And I find this so sweet. Mostly because I have never (and
still never) have anything to do with it. He always remembers and it is always
high on his priority list somehow. It is a small miracle. And the blog books
bring me tremendous pleasure in the same way that framed pictures do. They
bring unlimited joy to me each time I pass them by on the shelf. They also make
me feel like my legacy will live on forever. I have a dream that if I die maybe
my kids would read an entry a week or something to keep my thoughts and memories
alive (or maybe a month? A year? Burn the book???)
So my blog of Jan 31st is always a little more special as
the book gets printed Feb 1. It is also the date my Dad died. Coincidence? I am
not sure.Anyways this year there is a 30% sale on the printing of the blog book
so my husband asked me if at all possible if I could make my last entry Jan 17th
(his birthday). And so this is the special one.
So………….
There is not a whole lot to say. And boy oh boy does that
feel good! Nothing new to report on scoliosis, brain injuries, personal
struggles, jog loss. Stable. The good...the bad...the ugly; It’s either all
stable or we are just getting used to the new normal of it all somehow. Which I
guess is good?
These days it doesn’t take much to please me. And today
and tonight are very very pleasing to me. Really just the gift of an Ordinary Day
which just happens to be my favorite day of the week by far. Saturday. With the
relaxation of the day behind us and the promise of another weekend day ahead.
Saturday is just lovely.
And I realize that is what is special before blog book is
pointed: This moment. The moment of
today. The pure happiness of having the five of us together after three weeks
of not one dinner or weekends with all of us here. The pleasure of having us
sit by the fire tonight (3 weeks late) and do our New year looking back and
forward tradition which might be the thing I have enjoyed about my life the
best so far –this gathering and tradition. Way more than Christmas or Valentine’s
Day or any birthday.
Hearing the four people I love express who they are and
the way they see life, openly and transparently and matter of factly. And sharing
it and putting it in a book in a messy untidy sort of way. Just the real way
our life is. Beautiful and a little chaotic too. A little messy.
Hearing Beauty and how her brace made it onto the looking
back and forward in not such a good way. Understanding that her item of “2015
sucked” was important to her even though
we are not sure why. Seeing her write 9 heartfelt resolutions and goals and exhilarated
by her emotion and sense around it all. The clarity she has about her life and
what she wants. I love that about her so much. I love her so much. My heart
aches sometimes of the closeness I want and sometimes get.
Seeing Chase letting go and moving on so well. So
gracefully growing up. So much like me day by day I must say. He and I will be
business partners one day I bet. The house is so full of happiness with him
back this week. Him turning to me alone by the fire after and saying “Mom I
have something hard to tell you” And just telling me. And me being ok with it
because of the deepest highest regards I hold him in. I trust him to make decisions
that are right for his life. I really do.
And Bear-going through such a difficult stage right now. Distancing
him so much. Losing parts of him so much. But coming back to the list-he comes
alive again. So clear on what he wants and so proud of what he got. Feeling him
closer and closer as he goes through this exercise with us. The clarify and
simplicity and directness that kids has. He is a shining star.
And finally my husband. The birthday boy tomorrow with
the big Chinese dinner planned with all his family coming which makes him very
happy. My guy. With a great great list that he shared. So honest and truthful
and humble. Such a different list than mine. So unique and guided by his heart.
So many things for me to look forward to in that list. I have a great guy. It’s
a fact. Today was a little bittersweet for us, just simple and sweet and a
little melancholy and a little romantic too as we discussed some stuff that
made him feel a bit insecure and sad-but at the same time the trust between us
so high that he gave me his support. I love him a lot.
Our new normal around here is three teens. A lot of
change. A lot of increased alienation, a lot of distance, a lot of late night
and early morning chauffeuring, a lot of negotiations, a lot of worry, a lot of
sadness and tons and tons of changes.
But in between that all we get a night like tonight. A
lovely Saturday night at the cottage the five of us. Close, comfortable.
Creating memories together and ending with a big group hug. Music in the kitchen
and secrets by the fire. A new long awaited movie on Netflix will be watched
and some cuddling (and fighting on the couch)
In between it all-all the growing and changing and asserting
and transforming-there is just what we always were as a family and hopefully
always will be:
A
whole lot of living and loving going on. And that is my extraordinarily blog
post for this year.
.
