My word is:
Moments
What are moments? Moments I want more of, moments I want
less of and all the best moments in between.
A situation happened the other day and my word became
very clear to me for 2016. Something (minor) happened with someone close in my life where they were not able to complete tasks they had committed to doing and asked me to take on these tasks last minute on Christmas Eve right before we were rushing to go to a big family party.
No big deal right? Of course not. It really wasn’t.
Although left me an hour late for the party , totally out of breath, stressed
and with many more things added to my already full to do list that ended up
getting us to bed at 3am. No big deal. But inside rage swirled. And why?
Because I like people have a plan B. Plan b’s are very important to me.
I tell this story not because it was a big deal or even bothered me all that much in reality but because it was an epiphany about me for my own life and inspired my word of 2016.
I always have a plan B. Always. Usually
if I am honest a place C and even often a plan D. This situation above would never
ever have happened to me. If I say I do something-I will do it. Don’t like to inconvenience
anybody. I find a solution. Efficiently and quickly no matter what. I had 22
people over one Christmas and had severe gastro. Nobody knew. And if they did?
They didn’t care.
I have been doing this forever and ever and ever. And I
am exhausted. I get the plan b. and most people close to me in my life get to have the moments- I realized that
night. This is nothing asked me to do, but it happened all the same. I
have always chosen to be the plan b keeper. My life is being keeper of plan B.
I want others to have more plans B’s and I want more
moments. In theory we should all be somewhere in the middle which would be
ideal. But is life ever ideal? To be honest I am not very good at all at just
sitting back and enjoying the moments and a lot of close people are not good at having
long term thinking and back up plans. Does it make one of us better or worse at
life? Absolutely not. We are all equally happy in different ways.
Up until this point of my life as a parent I have found
my style of being keeper of the plan B’s very effective. It has made my life
easier. My kid’s life’s better, my husband’s life richer. It has kept us all
generally happy, safe, and efficient, on track, united and very successful as individuals
and a family. It has made our kids resilient, self confident, stable, out of
trouble, and generally very happy and well adjusted.
Plan B keeper is not working anymore. For them , for
us..but especially for me. I feel burnt. And my strong reaction to the above situation made me realize it is time to move to my own plan b…..and get more
moments.
Let other people around me fix more stuff, worry about
stuff more, take more on. Let the short term gain outweigh the long term pain
more often and stop trying to stop it from happening. Enjoy the kids more now
and let them take the long terms consequences of their action or in actions. Do
a whole lot less focusing on others and a whole lot more of focusing on myself
and my plan a, b, c or d and let them take care of their own plans.
None of this is said in mean way but honestly in a kind gentle
and giving tome. It’s a good thing and not a bad thing. It’s not a strike at
all but more a new way of being. I have found that in the raising of children I
always needed to be that plan b keeper to do this the way I wanted to –and in
general it has produced some great results (and some other questionable ones
too)
That being said I know with certainty that now my
parenting style has to (and will) change. It’s time to let up, ignore much
stuff, transfer over many terms from high importance to neutral or low
importance. It’s time to claim more of the beautiful moments for myself and for
my family. To bask in bliss. To bask in ignorance much of the time (hence the
expression ignorance is bliss) of course it is! So damn relaxing.
I feel in many ways my job is done. I still have a whole
other job ahead of me of course but my first order of business is complete. It’s
time to enjoy all the moments (in between). Imagine having to actually force
yourself to do this? God I am a freak show.
I remember a parenting course teacher we had when my
husband and I tool a great course and he has said that his style of parenting
with his four kids was generally quite authoritarian and his kids and family enjoyed
a really nice childhood together. He was a man of faith and the kids were
encouraged to go to church on Sundays, pray in the mornings, abstain from
swearing, and keep order in their home. He said this generally worked very well
and he had a smooth running and happy home for many years. When the youngest
child turned 13yrs old (so 4 teens in the house) all hell broke loose. His
encouraging started turning into forcing and fighting and his kids often wanted
to go to church but often also felt they had more important things to do some
of the time. They wanted to play videogames instead of pray and much of the
music they loved had words he did not agree with. Most just acted out in the
normal teen ways with lots of resistance and attitude and eye rolling but the
eldest 18 yrs. old took it to a whole new level. He moved out. He got into drugs;
he did not have connections with the family he once loved. He turned on the God
he had once treasured. He was actually on the streets and homeless for 3 months
as his parents refused to let him win this power struggle that he felt their
son had created. They refused to back down. So did he.
That parenting teacher told me that then and there after
3 months of praying and seeking guidance and attaching himself to a method of
parenting that clearly was not working anymore for a son whom he used to have a
solid and wonderful relationship with, he decided to completely change is
parenting style. He became democratic and his household a democracy and from
that moment on the literally lived happily ever after. The son came home-they
all made decisions together. All decisions. There was encouraging but no forcing.
Some went to church and some did not. Some swore (in moderation) and others
chose not to. Two saved themselves for marriage and two had wild one night
frequent one night’s stands. He said order was in all family rooms but chaos in
some bedrooms and order in the other bedrooms. His kids became who they were
meant to be with his strong guidance and values as a solid foundation. He said
now as the kids all adults with their own families he is extremely proud of
each and every one of them and the choices they have made (and PS now they all
go to church and have tidy homes)
I will always remember this teacher. He adapted. He
changed and he said he never ever for a moment regretted his parenting style of
0-13 yrs. old. It planted the strong foundations for his kids and for the
family values. But beyond 13 yrs. old if he was to get more moments like he
always had-he needed to do a 360 and do it a different way. And he did. He said
if he had not adapted and lessen his grip and disengage from the power struggle
that he would have lost his eldest son and lost the respect of his three other
kids somewhere along the way.
I am not in a crisis. Far from it. But being the plan b
planner that I am I can proactively likely fend a crisis off. I don’t want to
be in one to need to decide to take action. It’s time to change. I don’t feel
like it, I don’t want to,. But I know I need to.For myself and for the changing
times. It’s time to play a different role and a different game.
Tomorrow I will share more how I will do this .( did you really think that even with less of
a plan B and more moments I would not have a plan at all)?
I am not going to change who I am after all but the way I
do things. I am going to connect and most importantly adapt. I am going to
finally claim a whole lot more moments that are rightfully mine. Mine.
It’s time to start living a life from a very different
place and perspective and try it on for fit. Hell who knows? Maybe I will
actually like it!
Happy New year to all! It’s going to be a good one.
PS-my word from 2015 was Flow. How did I do? Answer: Moderately
Professionally: I
flowed like the longest river
Personally: I
flowed a little. Sometimes a lot. Was generally much more calm and peaceful. Didn’t
flow in some areas as much as others. Could have flowed more.
