Daring Greatly
I am reading the phenomenal book this week by Brene Brown
on Vulnerability. Super interesting subject. And interesting how it came to my
attention too.. Three people referred it to me for no apparent reason. Two had
not even read it. I am usually the one referring books to people and rarely is
it the other way around.
One said to me, the one who had read it: “This book is
YOU. This is your personal brand. What makes you special”.
As I read it I see what a huge compliment this is. The
book is all about having the courage to be vulnerable. And how much courage it
takes to lead this kind of life. To open yourself, your heart, your emotions.
To dig deeply and importantly. All for the sake of connection.
This books speaks to me (although I secretly think I
could have written in in a more vulnerable way). Here the author is an expert
on the subject and she is way too stoic for my liking. A bit too stiff and
unattached for someone writing from her heart. She needs to take it up a notch
in my humble opinion (given that she is the one invited to TED..and clearly not
me (yet!)
I like how she talks about the notion of foreboding joy
due to fear. I do that all the time. I am
a walking forboding joy girl. “Oh that hug might be my last-might as well
not give it!” Or “ya we are getting closer I am sure she will die soon and
leave me lonely” or “can’t show too much tenderness as he will reject me and my
heart will break”..”might as well not love him too much as he will move out one
day anyways”
She articulated what I have always known.
And she talks a lot about shame too. I realize that my
Dad when I was growing up caused a lot of shame in me that has made its mark on
my life.One of the important things I remember with a big impact was the fact
that he did not drive a car. We lived amongst the middle class in the suburbs
and this ashamed me to the core. Tore me apart actually. Even to this day I
will rarely tell people that we did not have a car and that neither parent
drove. It is much harder for me to admit than many many other things. Why the
shame is there Brown would say, is that I felt this could not be expressed.
That I could not be vulnerable and admit it to my parents or my friends at the
time. Admitting this shame could have set me free from it.
And her view on happiness and achievement and how they
fit together or not fit together. She says the balance of both is the ultimate
goal-which is a view I both share and aim for in my life. A life of both
achievement and happiness. Not one at the expense of the other. A tricky
balance to succeed in doing and hard to master..but she agrees the ultimate
success story. True achievement and true bliss. What I want said in my eulogy
that is certain (subtle hints for any of you willing speakersJ)
Overall I love the concept of vulnerability and I believe,
as Brown does, that it is really the only
true form of communication. And the only thing in life that will truly set
you free.
Both being able to express what is inside of you….and
receive (without guilt and shame) what others say say about you. And receive it
as a gift.And she is clear about feedback. The receiver has to be ready-and
also the giver in the right state to be giving feedback (if you have just
wronged someone or have been hurting them your whole life-don’t expect a great
reaction if you then tell them all the nasty things about themselves) To give
feedback you must ensure you have done unto others what you yourself expect.
Made me think of the saying that people often use when
someone is very vulnerable in their communication “ that they are trying to get
rid of what is inside them and out it onto you”. I disagree with this, A lot.
I think everyone should not only have the right to get
what is bothering them off their chest-but it is a gift –if done graciously to
the receiver. And ultimately it is cruel to hold hidden grudges. The gift of
proper, well timed and well intentioned feedback to me is the show of the
highest signal of nurturing and caring.As long as once you give the feedback
..you are ready for the person response and perspective about YOU.
So I am very proud that a few people out there think that
vulnerability is my personal brand. It is one that I am proud of because I have
worked hard to be both head and heart in my life in all the roles that I hold
both professionally and personally. Each day I show vulnerability myself, I see
and feel the benefits of this vulnerability even if it is often it is hard and
challenging and tough. Each day as I expose myself more and more……and show
deeper sides of myself to the ones I love..I still struggle with it.
But when I do it I see the power…on others…the
connection..the way they smile at me. The way they respect me and genuinely
care for me very quickly. I see the power of vulnerability and what it does to
access this in others.
I am not fully there yet. But day by day I become more
and more undone..Which to me is magnificent.
And less and less do I forebode joy too. I admit to myself
what both shames me and makes me feel guilt. I open treasure chests that set me
free and allow music and writing into my heart. Each day I get closer to
knowing what exactly is inside of me and reaching in and pulling her out.
“Daring Greatly” should be read by all. Taught to all at
workplaces and beheld by families and institutions.
Vulnerability will be the next corporate culture buzz.
Just wait and see.
