Sweet Touch

“You know Mom and Dad when I slept at Didi’s (Grandma's) she took really good care of me.”

What did she do to show you that?

“She put sunscreen all over me before going to the park. She did that. She took really good care of me”.

I insist that my daughter wear  sunscreen every day she is in the sun. Each time she goes to the park. In summer I ask her to re-apply it 3 times a day.

Her comment left me confused.

Then I realized and  the reality of it made me feel really sad.

She was very touched and taken with the fact that her Didi took the time to put sunscreen on her and for her. She did that for her.

I remembered back to all the times my Mom did that for me  as a child and teenager and how I loved it so.

It made me think and worry that maybe Beauty is calling to me to take more care of her. Touch her more. Maybe the sunscreen being on was affection she craved and lacked:L(((

It made me sad to think that here I am doing things to show her I care while all along it may be other things she needs.It made me feel sad that my precious long awaited girl is also the third child and often her needs seem to get pushed aside along the chaos of a larger family. Sometimes she really is last.

It made me realize that sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference.

I left myself with the inquiry of why the simplest things are harder for me than the bigger things? It is so hard to be a Mother isn’t it? Gosh..it’s easy to feel like we have failed.

I have given  myself the weekend to figure this out.

(and anxiously went to the pharmacy and bought a big bottle of sunscreen to slather over my girl combined with many hugs entrenched deeply in my heart).

The Next Pleasant Thing

It’s not by accident that my blog is called “In Search of Sun”…I seem to be on a continual search for sun, for peace, for calmness for happiness.

For something or another.

And weather used to matter to me. More than a lot. I have come a long way.

And the funny thing is that I already am filled to the brim in my life with so much happiness and all of those things and everything else, but I am constantly  still on a quest. (I guess that is why I have alot of happy things in my life).

So it is not by coincidence that I find myself talking to many close people lately about peace and inner joy and how they get it, if they have it and if they want it like I do? And if I have it,  how to ensure I maintain and retain it.

I am asking alot of questions lately. It's how I learn.

I have heard many answers along the way, but the one that resonated with me most lately was from my Mom, my Heartbeat, in my pool the other day.

She tells me a little story of two Taoists:

One says:

“I wonder what exciting is in my day today?”

The other says:

”I wonder what I will have for breakfast?.

Same thing

So this resonated with me a lot as for the last two days as I wake up in the morning,instead of thinking of the bigger picture of my day and how I feel about it…I go for the next step only  and not only ask myself how I feel  about it, but try to make the idea of  it as pleasant as possible.

To influence the way I think about the next task on my list. To fit pleasurable things in there as often as possible. And be grateful for them in and of themselves.

As my Mom says-to not expect necessarily happiness and anticipation of a day, but to accept that neutral is an also pretty good too.

My expections of life are very high. Cleary. Neutral?

So the last two days have included a couple of short swims in the pool at unexpected moments, a few yummy sandwiches just for a fun indulgence, a lot of "people watching" .Appreciating an old man going into a depanneur and coming out with only a lottery ticket, and some moments of talking about my Dad’s naked portrait in front of my collogues at a business dinner.

All seemed to bring me pleasure and although they likely always did, I seemed compelled to stand up and notice a bit more this time.I felt myself smile a bit more and sort of liked the neutralness, yet pleasurablness of these simple, subtle moments

I go back to what my simple goals were as a late teenager and young adult before life got as complex as it is now and that was often” Make sure there is something to look forward to every single day. And doubly ensure that weekends have many things to look forward too”. Sounds simple eh? It seems to have worked for me for most of my life. In many ways this still is my goal.

I will revisit these thoughts and add on the Taoist approach to waking up in the morning. And continue my search; with a whole lot more of flower smelling being added onto my journey, as I take the time to breathe them in.

More deeply.Simply and neutrally. With fewer expections perhaps.

Classe Neige

Remember those  3-4 day of school outings when you were back in grade school in grade 1-5 where you go somewhere with your class, do a few sports, sleepover in bunks with your classmates and then come home to the welcoming arms of your Mom? Remember those?

How did you feel about them? Did they stir something in you?

Many adults and kids I speak to seem to feel plenty. These outings seemed to have had profound impact on their lives and really altered them in many ways.

They missed their Moms.

They brought teddy bears along

They loved being away from their parents and really grew up

They got their periods

They felt proud of the courage it took to be away from home for the week for the first time

They made friendships that lasted a lifetime

They felt independent and capable for the first time

They hated it

They loved it

My husband talks about his first Class Neige all the time. Very little from his childhood but this one comes up so often. Leaving his Mom who was in a wheelchair for the first time and feeling so guilty. Secretly craving to be with other children, and having wondered what took his parents so long to figure out he needed this desperate push? Wishing he had been the type of boy like some of his classmates that had confidence and found this experience easy and fun. Wondering why he was not as daring and as sure of himself? Wishing his parents had sent him to summer camps early on so that he did not miss out so much.

It stuck with him this Classe Neige. It fell into part of his suitcase of growing up. It made him in part him today.

So today I thought of Classe Neige often as it came to mind as people often ask me how I get my tween and teens to come to the cottage most weekends so willingly with minimal fuss (let’s be clear the fuss is not always mimimal!). It occurred to me that it’s a bit like Classe Neige for them and for us. There is always a sense as Friday night rolls around of -Do we have to do this? Do we have to leave our friends, spend time packing clothes and food and go there?

Even with my husband and I we often ask ourselves-how can we possibly have the energy? Why not hunker down, get in our pj’s and watch a movie and fall asleep in bed rather than driving 90 minutes, packing and unpacking and being left exhausted at the cottage at midnight? (and of course we all drive to the cottage in pj’s anyways as well as shop in our pj's eat dinner in our pj’s and pick up kids from friends in pj’s-it’s our family signature style in factJ. )

But then the next morning comes. And we wake up with this beautiful view of water and mountains. The sun shines or the rain falls on the tree tops. Everyone saunters out of bed, messy and tired and roll onto the couches to watch TV. We eat nutella and the kids make homade tabouli thoughout the day. We sit on the dock for morning coffee and muffins and watch mother ducks swim by with their 8 sweet little babies and we name them all. We eat delicious meals all together and have Greek yogurt and strawberries for dessert. Rocks are thrown into the lake, rides on the tubes, giggles on the trampoline and blogs written by the sun setting. Books are read, long conversations are had and the cool water refreshes us before stepping into bed. Conversations between Dads and kids happen as the work is done to be able to sustain this lovely place. Secrets are told and snuggles often. Food is always eaten by candlelight and magic is made.

Nature at its best. The perfection of simplicity and wonder.

And then we get to start it all over again on Sunday morning.

At the end of Sunday, it's all back to the complaining of packing and having to rush dinner, take quick showers and complete homework before we head home for the week again. We always ask ourselves «was it worth it?” .Too much trouble and work!

And the answer always seems to be yes. The kids don’t always openly admit it, but they know in their hearts how good it feels to be here. We focus on each other. They miss their friends here and often we feel guilty of pulling them away from that and their activities in the city, but we believe for our family life this is really the best for them. And Family is Forever. Friends (unfortunately but real) change often, hockey games are won or lost, hanging out in malls can get you into trouble. We have decided for as long as humanly possible…we will get into the country and to nature..together until our kids are kicking and screaming not to go (and even then we might just shove them and lock them in the car and drive away!!!)

A bit like Classe Neige. Having the kid who does not want to go-but forcing him anyways and himalways thanking you so much later for the push. Mixed emotions-wanting to go-but wanting to stay to in the comfort of home. Being a bit anxious of being out in the wilderness without close friends or family but by the end of the 3 days having bonds that last lifetimes with all of your classmates from experiencing something in nature together and not having the distractions of blackberries, TV and computers.

Nature has a way of getting to the core of people-especially families. ..Although hard to get ourselves here and leave all our friends behind…we know long term these moments won’t come along often so important to hold onto our kids while we can. The days are long but the years are short. I can already feel mine slipping away and very very quickly.

(By next year even my son might be too big to force into a car-he might attack me)

So I will happily send my kids to sleep away camp and eagerly sign the permission forms of Classe Neige. Kids getting out of their comfort zones is to me not only necessary for their social development but their belief in themselves and their confidence. I will push them out the doors if I have to with their sleeping bags and flashlights.

But then I will just as happily collect them cuddle them and keep them at the cottage for myself. A cool combination of keeping them near and letting them go far.

Our role as parents really .It all comes down Classe Neige.

PS: Permission

I felt happy today with the realization that somehow along the way of the Happiness Project I committed to last year I seem to have shifted my paradigm of thinking. Exercise and being Healthy has somewhat changed from the “have to/should do” bucket to mostly over into the Happiness bucket now.

My last blog indicated that I was giving my self a break for the next two months and not forcing myself to do my 30 minutes of exercise per day….it was a needed permission I gave myself to feel less stressed over the summer.

Well guess what??? Guess what I seem to naturally want to do with that time in the last 2 days? It seems to be exercising!!!! My mind was actually sad yesterday morning “that I could not exercise and had to do something indulgent for 30 minutes”. Crazy mind of mine. Never fails to shock me.

So although my early weekday mornings seem to be most happily spent working away on my blackberry/laptop in my pjs at home with a muffin and milk before I go into the office,for these particular 30 minutes a day I seem to need that time to do something else. And if exercise is my chosen indulgence even when I have given myself permisson to do something more inviting then all I can say is:

Yipppppeeee! I have certainly come a long way Baby.

It’s amazing how habit forming doing something often and in a ritualized way can become.

Let's see if my crazy brain will let this one stick.

A little Permission..

Today I gave myself permission. Small things but Big impact.

I have found myself going a bit crazy over the last number months, over my head in work, in chores, in house stuff, in exercise, in ritualization. I am fed up and I need a break.Completely Overwhelmed and I feel it in my body. Headaches, neck pain, more chiro appts, sadness, pain.

So this morning I woke up and instead of my daily grind of work, work and work before I go to the office and 30 minutes of exercise-I decided to cut out the exercise for the summer starting now.

(Except for my sacred Wednesday or Thursday morning class that keep me from a good amount of back and neck pain).

One might question why cut out something so good for you? Why that and not work? I can’t cut out work-I go in a bit later and so have always done work at home in the mornings it’s what works for me and gives me that flexibility in schedule.

Exercise as much as I like it and have got into a groove has got to go in the summer. Too much to fit in. So I decided to commit to my class once a week and for that other 30 minutes a morning I now have open…….to ENJOY.

So this morning I had 30 minutes to text a couple of friends, watch 5 mins of TV with my son who is off today, pack a healthy lunch for myself and dip in the pool instead of taking a shower!!! It felt soooooo good to be free (and I still get 90- minutes of emails etc done before I come into the office).

I also told my husband of my plan and we decided together to take on as minimal as possible between June 15-Sept 15. If we need a new rake wait until fall! A light breaks-stay broken until September! New bathing suit needed-manage with your old one! Costco and bulk food-no time until thanksgiving! (ok truth is I told my husband this plan and he shook his head yes-I think that was a nod anyways in a vertical direction).

Let’s try this out.

Too many people I respect around me lately have been saying the same thing-that they give themselves more breaks than I permit myself on many levels:

Do you have a Will?

No. I know it can cause problems-but just too lazy or have no time.

How do you find time to do all the household chores and outside stuff that needs to be done?

I don’t –I just ignore it all.

Isn’t June a crazy month for homework-how do you and the kids fit it all in?

I don’t they just get whatever marks they get.

My first thoughts were:

Oh My!

(Ok they are still Oh My!) with a big But. If you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions or inactions-well then big bravo to you! Or me now too! I can’t say I am converted…on many levels this will just never ever work for me. My mind is very strategic and long term and automatically fast forwards to the future with dead parents and orphan kids,  a house that won’t sell because not up kept and kids who don’t have careers because I did not push them in school. That being said….taking this mental break for a while won’t kill me or my family either!

To tell you the truth I have never quite considered just not doing something that is considered to me necessary or important.

Well today I did just that and so my 30 minutes of exercise went out the window for a short 2 months. I will get back on track for the other 10 months. And that does not mean I won’t take those morning 30 minutes to still exercise if I want to. Big difference. Want to vs feel have to.

So although I am a bit worried of the effect on my body…I will be like many other people I know who are very successful in life and take a chance. Live with the outcomes and hope for the best.

As I got dressed this morning, I was very pleased with my body in my slimming white skirt and long brown top. I have been eating very intuitively lately and putting the scale in a far off drawer and have been impressed with what I see in the mirror so far. A girl; now woman of 40 yrs who is finding her way and balance between the needed ritualization of food and exercise and the comfort of a life with lowered stress and expectations.

I liked the silhouette I saw both from the outside and inside. Hippy Chic Boho today-free and carefree and looking forward to an extra 30 minutes of morning indulgence in whatever form that takes

Aiming (carelessly and freely) for one of the best summers of my life.

Highschool Sweethearts Phase Two

Some things are very sweet

High school friends who are forever fall into that category. There is something about being with them, as a unit especially, that is comforting, needed and very very real.

Like coming home. Like being home. I love this feeling, I want more.

All in different phases at different times. Hard times, happy times, distant & confusing times, welcoming new life. All of us in all of these phases in little bits-not completely in one place or the next. All mixed together trying to figure it all out.

Being there for each other; understanding each other and supporting each other.

Being honest. Not putting up fronts. Taking down barriers.

Sharing our adorable children, showing them off, relishing in them. Watching them get to know eachother and bond.

Sharing that deepest part of our souls together.

Knowing that this circle is forever because we have chosen it to be. Knowing that as different as we all are, we "get" each other.

Knowing one day on that special day when I become what I am in my dreams in a decade-they will both be sitting there in the front row cheering me on. They may have created a title for a future bestseller book one day. First class tickets to some exotic place for both of them certainlyJ

They were there, both, as I struggled through my eulogy for my Dad with all three of us tears streaming down our faces. They understood. They have been there for me through good and through bad times I have never asked them to be.

They love me to bits-I am so lucky and this one is just luck because I have not always earned my keep in some more distant periods of my life that I have no excuses forL This one is luck.Sometimes good things happen to people just because. Lucky me.

I  have often been and will be witness for their lives and their moments. Capturing for them with camera and pen life's beautiful and fleeting moments. Cooking butter chicken and summer pasta. Loving their children and having them over for parties and sleepovers. Loving them from close and far away places.Planning showers and parties and priorities.

Giving them what I can……what I am good at. Working on what I am not.

Yes I shall.

To indulge in the circle of their affections, their lack of judgment, their continuous encouragement. To learn what it feels like to be truly listened to. To bask in that comfort and take it in.To seek to understand more..to leartn more. To accept someone for who they are. Amazing isn't it?????

Learning from these wise girls, as I always have….to access inside of me what is deep and meaningful. Letting it come forth in this second phase of my life.

Yes. Absolutely.

Undomestic Godess (ness)

For some people it is spiders, others heights.

For me the simple vision of a messy fridge needing tidying or unmade beds needing to be made for guests is outright terrifying. I dread domestic duties.

And it is not that I am so bad at them either-actually I am pretty good. I can cook some pretty mean meals, efficiently and swiftly too. I can organize well and decorate extremely well. Under my leadership, our house sparkles and delights.

I like the smell of clean laundry and get a certain satisfaction from accomplishing certain specific domestic tasks. But overall:

I hate domesticity. Plain and simple. I am just not wired for housekeeping. I try to change it but I can’t. I do it all anyways but that makes for a lot of resentful moments throughout a day, a week and a year especially when you own a second country home.

Mondays nearly kill me. It is the day that I work from home and so I am surrounded all day by dishes, tidying, unmade beds and meals that are supposed to be made: by me. I put it off as long as possible; I would rather do anything than those tasks. They always end up as last priority on me to do list or delegated.

They still get done in one way or another, because I am too smart to live in a pigstie. Most people would rate my house more organized and well kept than most. I still have standards, but it does not mean it is a pretty process. 

There is only so much delegating you can do when it comes to housework, if I could though I would have someone follow me throughout life and just lift things, and pick up things and pack things an unpack things. I know it sounds awful but it is the truth and so I tell it like it is. Thanks goodness my husband is the opposite of this he could cook and clean all day long and LIKE it. As I write this I wonder how he has put up with me for so long.

(I have a feeling I have many other coveted talents…and get your minds out of the gutter..stuff like organizing, planning, loving, making our home beautiful in my own way, and planning lots of fun stuff).

The only domestic thing I seem to tolerate really well is decorating. I love that part. I spend endless hours choosing the perfect vases for my home, the comfy throw covers, the most subtle turquoise for the walls, and the highest thread count sheets.

And then I seem not to care less if the blankets are on the floor, I keep the sheets for a dozen years and sleep with them with holes in them, and never put fresh flowers into the vases. What is wrong with me? Same with clothes. Spend small fortunes on them and then throw them on the floor. Do I think this funny?No!

Once in a rare while I start actually enjoying a little some domestic tasks. Like today at Trent I was making all the beds with lemon laundered sheets and I kind of liked it. I brought a new pinstripped blue comforter we for Chase’s bed that I knew would look so cottagey and cozy in his room. So there in my inner domestic goddess craziness, Chase comes down and rips it off the bed and insists on putting on the one that was sold to us with the house. White, dirty, ratty old an ugly! Yucky! And he says he can only sleep if the duvet part is all at one end of it leaving it looking dull, flat and plain old weird. Oh my……see why I hate domesticity? What’s the point anyway?

So all that to say that daily life can be challenging when you cringe at the thought of things domestic.
Especially when you are a girl that does the right thing and those things include feeding your family, choosing the right meals, making sure your home is welcoming and having fairly high hygienic standards. You take you role as wife and Mom seriously…and you refuse to eat at MacDonald’s more than twice a month. Add in entertaining massive crowds almost every weekend and you have a big, big problem.

So you do it often and delegate often too. You give your kids a lot of chores to lessen the load and you try to impress in other areas unrelated to the home to try and fend off abandonment from your husband. You choose the lesser of two evils and chose dinner dirty dishes over cooking and packing lists over packing the car. You bitch and complain a lot, but it all seems to get done somehow and you are still alive (and married).

Your hope remains that still one day you will write a Bestselling book that will make you rich enough to to find a way never to do anything domestic you don’t want to do but until then you will just suck it up and remain irritated at various parts of the day. You will try not to pass on this concerning attitude to your cheerful children.

So for now you will feel major panic attacks and headaches come on as you tackle pile of dishes, and still have no idea where your iron is kept, but will happily give presentations in front of crowds, manage large budgets, and mediate nasty corporate interactions. You will fear making a pie, but effectively contribute and manage key elements of major corporate restructurations. You will nearly cry when salad dressing spills all over your cooler and need to wash out the lining, but laugh and take lightly major deadlines at work that would put some people over the cliff with stress and worry. Making breakfast will always be more of a struggle than attending important breakfast meetings. And that is just how it is..and who you are. Diversity at it’s finest.

 Maybe I am really a man??

The fact remains however that although you can appreciate the smell of clean laundry or make a mean summer pasta if forced too and decorate as some have said with some of the talent of Martha Stewart..if a birthday gift is to be hid somewhere the best place is still in the laundry machine as it is guaranteed that I will NEVER go there.

So maybe one day I will change my ways, I surely hope so. Maybe one day I will wake up and want to bake cupcakes and ice them lovingly. But for now, I choose to surround myself with others who do enjoy these tasks, and I try to make myself as sweet as possible and appreciate all the sweets they provide me.
And I contribute in the ways I can, and in return, boss them around, plan out their lives and tell them what is good for them.and they all sem to welcome that and love it and come back fro more often!!! It all seems to even out somehow and for the most part….we all seem to be pretty content in these unusual and unique roles.I aim for Win-Win in life.

If you really hate me-ask me to bake a loaf of bread from scratch. That is just way to much to handle ok? Please try and refrain.I beg you.