The Problem with Being a Durable Object

I have been reading a lot about this parenting concept lately. About “Being a Durable Object” as a parent when your kids are pushing your buttons. I have read blogs on it, books on it and articles too. Seems like it is becoming one of those universally accepted parenting methods in the same way that time outs are-for almost every spectrum of the parenting thinking scale from authoritarian to the most lenient parenting approaches alike.

It seem to be pretty universal that the best thing to do when you feel like you might throw your child over a bridge or yell at him endlessly;  is to remain calm, cool and collected.

I have been trying to practice this for years with somewhat medium success (to be honest low-medium). I have tried doing this most of my adult life  well before the method had a name.

With kids until age 12yrs I have thought doable. With teenagers? VERY hard. However I am smart enough to know (just like time outs) that there was reason this is being fed to us…it works. And is really the onlyway. It is one of those things like sleep training, time outs, or any type of discipline or technique that takes practice, practice and practice to get it right. It is an exhausting exercise-but well worth the effort long term. Short term pain-long term gain as in everything when it comes to parenting.

But my goodness is this hard.

Chase my 14.5 yr old is really pushing the limits in the last month. Full on teenage stage has hit (but my friends with teenagers say it has not and that is nothing but the beginning stages!) Crap!!!!

When he acts his certain “special” way-my instinct is to throw myself at him, hold him down and scream into his face “YOU must LISTEN to ME!!!!!” and then lock him in his room for the rest of the day along with a few spankings.

I don’t do that (usually-ok never)

On the flip side this little man has the ability to sweep me off my feet. He can make the most average or mundane things found so charming “Mom!!!!!! I got a 70% on my French test!!!!!!!! Isn’t that AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!-I love you Mommy-give me a big hug!!!!!!!!”

When he acts this way I equally wanted to kaput myself in his arms, pull him onto my lap and hug him to no end. I could cuddle that child on a couch for hours and look at his sweet chiseled tanned little man face with those big green eyes. And then I remember “what the hell is SO great about a 70??” He did this to me again???.

So all that to say-especially with my first child-being a durable object is tough for me on many levels I need to get way better at this and quickly!

This will be the summer of change for he and I-we are moving into democratic territory-a new parenting way I think as of September that will apply to him only since his phase is way different than my other two. Lots of decision making together, less of me imposing my beliefs on him (although I will certainly impose my chore charts on him). Lots of individuality, talks, discussions, seeing what works, seeing what doesn’t. I might as well get a complete makeover as a parent in many ways but I always knew this time would come.

All my favorite and best parenting gurus have all said “authoritarian 75 % democratic 25% 0-12 yrs. 12yrs and beyond it switches 75% democratic and 25% authoritarian.

It is time for the switch. Oh my goodness I am more than scared. Can I possibly do this?? Yes of course I can!

It is so very difficult to watch these children become teens-such a complex and intricate stage. So aggravating, so full of impulsivity, the alienation, the rejection, and the sheer force of their sometimes hurtful words (did my BABY just say no to me in that yucky tone)??

But it is is all the same so beautiful and breathtaking to watch. I love watching my son turn into a man. The broadening of his shoulders, the deepening of his voice, the smell of his hair as he gets out of the shower when he used that AXE shampoo made just for men, the green shirts that bring out his eyes. The emotions he struggles with, the anger, the sweetness, the complexity all wrapped up into him.

I have always loved boys. And my two sons are certainly no exception. Watching a boy turn to man is…….so incredibly sweet. Men are amazing creatures. It is such an incredible honor to bring up sons.

It could very well bring me to my knees to watch this process.

But I will try the best I can to be that durable object because we (he and I) both know) that is really the only way to get through these years.

To care deeply within our hearts, but not let it all bubble to the surface too often in heated moments.

Or we will both end up as angry, lovable, screaming, loving blubbering idiots. And that is not very effective is it on a day to day basis?

It’s time for another way.I can feel it coming on.

Not My Daughter's Jeans

I remember seeing an ad for these godforsaken pants a few years ago and thinking to myself "over my dead body would I wear those!"

I still have not worn them-and am very content in my Seven of Mankind pair-but I have changed my perspective on this brand..I actually think it is a catchy brand name now that shows some truth.

Two things happened to me between then and now. I turned forty and my daughter turned ten.

I have had "the bathing suit conversation" with so many 40 yrs olds this year I have lost track. We pretty much all agree that there is something a little off about a woman over 40 wearing a true bikini.
No matter how hot, sexy, petite or curvy that body is. There is something that creeps up when you turn 40 that just makes it a bit weirder to wear a bikini.

The skin is older? The age marks are more numerous-who knows or truly comprehends?. Nobody seems to look remotely the same as they did in there 30's no matter how much there body may have stayed the same.

All over 40’s are getting weird looks it seems in their bikinis (and mainly from their own kids).
We all still wear them...and often look good in them. But less frequently in front of others, and friends, and certainly less in front of our kids friends. It's a real phenomenon just like "Shades of Grey" the bikini thing (or lack of bikinis) . This conversation seems to be sweeping the nation.

We wear them with our husbands and on beaches where no pictures will be taken. We still prefer our bodies in them but something becomes unacceptable about them in this decade it seems.

I never ever thought I would say that. I hate one pieces.

And then our daughters turn 10 and it's as if we are bombarded with a parade of beautiful little ladies all the time throughout our homes, our pools, and our lives. In and out of the pool and lake in teensy bikinis, tight tanks and tiny shorts. My life (and camera) are filled of these gorgeous girls in all shapes and sizes looking just plain youthful and beautiful. Long tanned legs and muscular calves......everywhere. In these gorgeous little outfits. Girls. Wow. I remember those good old days ....

It's maybe at 40 that we give part of our beauty to our daughters to make space for theirs? We keep part too. We become more beautiful in so many ways.
But we trade in our bikinis for this wisdom and this peace that washes over us. We seem not to be able to hold both equally perhaps?

So although I a far cry from buying anything even resembling “not my daughter jeans”...I can see the day ahead and can embrace it unshamelessly.

I am content to sit here and admire my daughter's beautiful physique as she dives into the pool in perfect posture and poise. As her and her friends bloom into beautiful young ladies one day at a time experimenting with their bodies and confidence somtimes one outfit at a time it seems as girls seem to do.

Beauty looks at me under those long eyelashes subtly  when her friends surround her, silently asking me to wear my boring one piece.
And I do. For her. And for me. Just for today to please her
Tomorrow is always another day and I have a drawer of pink, aqua and yellow bikinis for when she and I are alone in the comfort of our pool together.

Where I get not to be 40 but her Mom and I happily wear my bikini. And my daughter happily selects her own nunlike Speedo one piece in the pool with me.

It's funny how life shifts and alters. And amazing how we follow it.

Comment Te Remericier?

I am not a very holiday type of person. Sure I do it well and everything, the Christmas trees, the bday parties, the easter eggs etc… Trust me go all our most of the time and am very atached to tradition, but often I find holidays over commercialized. It does not resonate well with me that everyone all around the world celebrates at the same time for some reason. I like things to be heartfelt and unique.

However for some reason Father’s Day really resonates with me. It’s a holiday I like to put alot of focus on and make special. Even though I know every Father out there Sunday is waking up to cards, gifts and breakfast and newspapers in bed; I still like it alot.

And they reason I like it has nothing to do with my own Dad who passed away last year. He had some very sweet qualities but being an exceptional father was unfortunately not the highest on his list (although there were important things I learned and loved about him through different phases of my life).

The Father I have given to my children is what I like to celebrate most. I might say it is likely my highest accomplishment in life and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am so estatic that they have him as a Dad-it comforts me to no end.

When I set out to find a husband at the ripe age of 22 yrs ..(ha-ha wasn't really like that at all just a joke!) all I had in mind was that above and beyond anything my husband was going to rock as a Dad. It was fundamentally probably the most important thing for me (yes Freud I know you are in your grave now analyzing the hell out of the father-daughter relationship I had as a child and connecting it to the husband I have chosen).

The funny thing is when I met him he barely wanted kids. But he knew by marrying me, the little bossy fertile thing I was, that he would end up with them. We still have no idea how on earth we ended up with three of these creaturesJ

And my Protector…is also very much their Protector. I have written about this wonderful man before many a time in these blogs, but he literally does everything for us. And in the areas where he feels he lacks at all-he tries to change and adjust to the craziness surrounding him. Can a woman ask for more? The three words that describe him as a Dad would be Nurturing, Providing and Capable.

He provides security and comfort for us all always. Every single day every hour and every minute. He could solve any problem or situation. It’s to the point I barely know how to do anything at all because he knows how to do everything. And the man is brilliant and humble  too-as in top in entire province from  graduating year at notarial law school (never mentioned that to us until we found a newspaper clipping in an old album). Had his own successful practice running since the age of 21 yrs.old! God I hope my kids have his genes.

Anyways this year what I have appreciated about him most as my husband is his willingness to change. I have just about ripped every inch of security from underneath him from starting this blog, changing cottages and changing in many ways myself from what he has always known…and asking him to take this journey with me. He happily does. Slowly but surely. Stable.

Each year when we do the rounds and visit our doctor, dentists, bloodtest takers etc... I am reminded of just how beautiful  my husband is because all the professionals remind me often that I have a really hot guy in my bed (I know a little odd coming from a doctor, but that’s just perfectly fine with us).

So we will celebrate this Dad on Saturday and Sunday with a meal cooked by me of summer pasta, sausages on the BBQ and a dessert Bear and I will make of lemon lime pie that I stole off my friend’s blog. The kids will make him Cheese Dreams in bed on Sunday and he will sip his coffee on the dock.

I have a whole slew of gifts for him that I carefully choose this year (unusual for me to put big emphasis on gifts but really wanted to spoil him a bit). My Mom will be with us at Trent all decked out in her bug suit .

We will end the day with a generous invitation to our old cottage from his sister who so graciously invited us to spend Father’s Day at her place. We are thrilled to go there and be there with them. Feels like a brand new start actually. Perfect way to celebrate my husband by seeing his sister. I am a firm beleiver that siblings need eachother no matter how different they are. They were made from the same original mold and they need to stick together through thick and thin. Families of procreation are one thing...families of orientation are etched deep, deep deep in our hearts. We have to do everything in our power to access that-always.

So Hon-thanks for all that you are and everything you do. Happy Father’s Day to the man who has made all of our dreams come true.

I promise that one day, in the next decade, I will let you retire and make money enough for both of us. I can't wait to come home to strawberry marjaritas and fresh tomatoes and boccacini from the garden you grow. Served to me on a flowery plate you choose from the village decorating store.

Sweet Touch

“You know Mom and Dad when I slept at Didi’s (Grandma's) she took really good care of me.”

What did she do to show you that?

“She put sunscreen all over me before going to the park. She did that. She took really good care of me”.

I insist that my daughter wear  sunscreen every day she is in the sun. Each time she goes to the park. In summer I ask her to re-apply it 3 times a day.

Her comment left me confused.

Then I realized and  the reality of it made me feel really sad.

She was very touched and taken with the fact that her Didi took the time to put sunscreen on her and for her. She did that for her.

I remembered back to all the times my Mom did that for me  as a child and teenager and how I loved it so.

It made me think and worry that maybe Beauty is calling to me to take more care of her. Touch her more. Maybe the sunscreen being on was affection she craved and lacked:L(((

It made me sad to think that here I am doing things to show her I care while all along it may be other things she needs.It made me feel sad that my precious long awaited girl is also the third child and often her needs seem to get pushed aside along the chaos of a larger family. Sometimes she really is last.

It made me realize that sometimes the simplest things make the biggest difference.

I left myself with the inquiry of why the simplest things are harder for me than the bigger things? It is so hard to be a Mother isn’t it? Gosh..it’s easy to feel like we have failed.

I have given  myself the weekend to figure this out.

(and anxiously went to the pharmacy and bought a big bottle of sunscreen to slather over my girl combined with many hugs entrenched deeply in my heart).

The Next Pleasant Thing

It’s not by accident that my blog is called “In Search of Sun”…I seem to be on a continual search for sun, for peace, for calmness for happiness.

For something or another.

And weather used to matter to me. More than a lot. I have come a long way.

And the funny thing is that I already am filled to the brim in my life with so much happiness and all of those things and everything else, but I am constantly  still on a quest. (I guess that is why I have alot of happy things in my life).

So it is not by coincidence that I find myself talking to many close people lately about peace and inner joy and how they get it, if they have it and if they want it like I do? And if I have it,  how to ensure I maintain and retain it.

I am asking alot of questions lately. It's how I learn.

I have heard many answers along the way, but the one that resonated with me most lately was from my Mom, my Heartbeat, in my pool the other day.

She tells me a little story of two Taoists:

One says:

“I wonder what exciting is in my day today?”

The other says:

”I wonder what I will have for breakfast?.

Same thing

So this resonated with me a lot as for the last two days as I wake up in the morning,instead of thinking of the bigger picture of my day and how I feel about it…I go for the next step only  and not only ask myself how I feel  about it, but try to make the idea of  it as pleasant as possible.

To influence the way I think about the next task on my list. To fit pleasurable things in there as often as possible. And be grateful for them in and of themselves.

As my Mom says-to not expect necessarily happiness and anticipation of a day, but to accept that neutral is an also pretty good too.

My expections of life are very high. Cleary. Neutral?

So the last two days have included a couple of short swims in the pool at unexpected moments, a few yummy sandwiches just for a fun indulgence, a lot of "people watching" .Appreciating an old man going into a depanneur and coming out with only a lottery ticket, and some moments of talking about my Dad’s naked portrait in front of my collogues at a business dinner.

All seemed to bring me pleasure and although they likely always did, I seemed compelled to stand up and notice a bit more this time.I felt myself smile a bit more and sort of liked the neutralness, yet pleasurablness of these simple, subtle moments

I go back to what my simple goals were as a late teenager and young adult before life got as complex as it is now and that was often” Make sure there is something to look forward to every single day. And doubly ensure that weekends have many things to look forward too”. Sounds simple eh? It seems to have worked for me for most of my life. In many ways this still is my goal.

I will revisit these thoughts and add on the Taoist approach to waking up in the morning. And continue my search; with a whole lot more of flower smelling being added onto my journey, as I take the time to breathe them in.

More deeply.Simply and neutrally. With fewer expections perhaps.

Classe Neige

Remember those  3-4 day of school outings when you were back in grade school in grade 1-5 where you go somewhere with your class, do a few sports, sleepover in bunks with your classmates and then come home to the welcoming arms of your Mom? Remember those?

How did you feel about them? Did they stir something in you?

Many adults and kids I speak to seem to feel plenty. These outings seemed to have had profound impact on their lives and really altered them in many ways.

They missed their Moms.

They brought teddy bears along

They loved being away from their parents and really grew up

They got their periods

They felt proud of the courage it took to be away from home for the week for the first time

They made friendships that lasted a lifetime

They felt independent and capable for the first time

They hated it

They loved it

My husband talks about his first Class Neige all the time. Very little from his childhood but this one comes up so often. Leaving his Mom who was in a wheelchair for the first time and feeling so guilty. Secretly craving to be with other children, and having wondered what took his parents so long to figure out he needed this desperate push? Wishing he had been the type of boy like some of his classmates that had confidence and found this experience easy and fun. Wondering why he was not as daring and as sure of himself? Wishing his parents had sent him to summer camps early on so that he did not miss out so much.

It stuck with him this Classe Neige. It fell into part of his suitcase of growing up. It made him in part him today.

So today I thought of Classe Neige often as it came to mind as people often ask me how I get my tween and teens to come to the cottage most weekends so willingly with minimal fuss (let’s be clear the fuss is not always mimimal!). It occurred to me that it’s a bit like Classe Neige for them and for us. There is always a sense as Friday night rolls around of -Do we have to do this? Do we have to leave our friends, spend time packing clothes and food and go there?

Even with my husband and I we often ask ourselves-how can we possibly have the energy? Why not hunker down, get in our pj’s and watch a movie and fall asleep in bed rather than driving 90 minutes, packing and unpacking and being left exhausted at the cottage at midnight? (and of course we all drive to the cottage in pj’s anyways as well as shop in our pj's eat dinner in our pj’s and pick up kids from friends in pj’s-it’s our family signature style in factJ. )

But then the next morning comes. And we wake up with this beautiful view of water and mountains. The sun shines or the rain falls on the tree tops. Everyone saunters out of bed, messy and tired and roll onto the couches to watch TV. We eat nutella and the kids make homade tabouli thoughout the day. We sit on the dock for morning coffee and muffins and watch mother ducks swim by with their 8 sweet little babies and we name them all. We eat delicious meals all together and have Greek yogurt and strawberries for dessert. Rocks are thrown into the lake, rides on the tubes, giggles on the trampoline and blogs written by the sun setting. Books are read, long conversations are had and the cool water refreshes us before stepping into bed. Conversations between Dads and kids happen as the work is done to be able to sustain this lovely place. Secrets are told and snuggles often. Food is always eaten by candlelight and magic is made.

Nature at its best. The perfection of simplicity and wonder.

And then we get to start it all over again on Sunday morning.

At the end of Sunday, it's all back to the complaining of packing and having to rush dinner, take quick showers and complete homework before we head home for the week again. We always ask ourselves «was it worth it?” .Too much trouble and work!

And the answer always seems to be yes. The kids don’t always openly admit it, but they know in their hearts how good it feels to be here. We focus on each other. They miss their friends here and often we feel guilty of pulling them away from that and their activities in the city, but we believe for our family life this is really the best for them. And Family is Forever. Friends (unfortunately but real) change often, hockey games are won or lost, hanging out in malls can get you into trouble. We have decided for as long as humanly possible…we will get into the country and to nature..together until our kids are kicking and screaming not to go (and even then we might just shove them and lock them in the car and drive away!!!)

A bit like Classe Neige. Having the kid who does not want to go-but forcing him anyways and himalways thanking you so much later for the push. Mixed emotions-wanting to go-but wanting to stay to in the comfort of home. Being a bit anxious of being out in the wilderness without close friends or family but by the end of the 3 days having bonds that last lifetimes with all of your classmates from experiencing something in nature together and not having the distractions of blackberries, TV and computers.

Nature has a way of getting to the core of people-especially families. ..Although hard to get ourselves here and leave all our friends behind…we know long term these moments won’t come along often so important to hold onto our kids while we can. The days are long but the years are short. I can already feel mine slipping away and very very quickly.

(By next year even my son might be too big to force into a car-he might attack me)

So I will happily send my kids to sleep away camp and eagerly sign the permission forms of Classe Neige. Kids getting out of their comfort zones is to me not only necessary for their social development but their belief in themselves and their confidence. I will push them out the doors if I have to with their sleeping bags and flashlights.

But then I will just as happily collect them cuddle them and keep them at the cottage for myself. A cool combination of keeping them near and letting them go far.

Our role as parents really .It all comes down Classe Neige.

PS: Permission

I felt happy today with the realization that somehow along the way of the Happiness Project I committed to last year I seem to have shifted my paradigm of thinking. Exercise and being Healthy has somewhat changed from the “have to/should do” bucket to mostly over into the Happiness bucket now.

My last blog indicated that I was giving my self a break for the next two months and not forcing myself to do my 30 minutes of exercise per day….it was a needed permission I gave myself to feel less stressed over the summer.

Well guess what??? Guess what I seem to naturally want to do with that time in the last 2 days? It seems to be exercising!!!! My mind was actually sad yesterday morning “that I could not exercise and had to do something indulgent for 30 minutes”. Crazy mind of mine. Never fails to shock me.

So although my early weekday mornings seem to be most happily spent working away on my blackberry/laptop in my pjs at home with a muffin and milk before I go into the office,for these particular 30 minutes a day I seem to need that time to do something else. And if exercise is my chosen indulgence even when I have given myself permisson to do something more inviting then all I can say is:

Yipppppeeee! I have certainly come a long way Baby.

It’s amazing how habit forming doing something often and in a ritualized way can become.

Let's see if my crazy brain will let this one stick.