Sparkle

It’s been on my mind often lately.

Because of a lot of reasons.

Passion.

It could have something to do with the Trilogy I am reading “Shades of Grey” I mean I am not quite shy to reveal on my blog I am reading this as is there any woman left on the earth who does not know who Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele are???

I love the passion between them. The sex is secondary to me, to their romance, their love, their enchantment with each other. I have never seen anything like it before (probably because it does not exist beyond a book).

I know a lot of people have passion in their lives and in their relationships (more the people dating, younger, been married less than 8 yrs, or having affairs)! But I have not seen a passion equivalent yet to Ms. Steele and Mr. Grey.

Oh My!

The passion that has been on my mind lately however has less to do with Escala and the Red Room and more to do with life itself.

I have realized in myself that over the last 6 months a part of me has been accessed that was not there before. I feel much more passionate.  A friend and I were discussing yesterday that on my blog lately most of it is about parenting…and it is entirely true.

This has become a passion of mine as strange as that seems to me. I mean who would have thought that the Mom who can’t make a pie would end up obsessed with the topic of parenting? And sharing it and writing about it even more so.

Even at my place of work, completely outside of this domain entirely, I am known to walk up to the President, look him in the eye and ask “How are your kids? What are they up to for the summer?”

I am genuinely interested. As much as I am in the bottom line of the company. The two for me make up the one person. I cannot separate them. For me Work and the Family are one. They belong to each other. You love them both right?

When I spoke at my Dad’s funeral and said “It is now time to put a pen to paper and let music back into my heart” …I was not kidding it seems! There were words in me for so long that wanted to come out and now they seem to be flowing. Thanks Dad for giving me the peace to claim them back.

But besides the writing and the parenting, I am starting to understand what passion means to me. It means not going for the low lying fruit,  it means reaching for the stars, not accepting no to get in the way, and being in the driver’s seat.

It means striving and loving every minute, sacrificing and not minding. It means not allowing in my life things that don’t make me happy or meet my expectations. It means deciding what I want and getting those things.

Passion for a person like me is a dangerous thing. When I want something. I make sure I get it. With passion as my fuel, who knows where that might take me? It scares me sometimes.

And it’s exciting to share passion. The same friend who told me yesterday that my blog is often about family…is on her own passionate route in life and I have been part of it. Seeing her sparkle. ..seeing this fire in her eyes…having her share it with me..Seeing her essentially free in her soul and at the core delights me to no end. Was I part of this beauty???

I will always know that we are on our passion journey together no matter how near or far.  I will always take her with me, and me with her I am convinced. We will end up getting rich together in the simplest sense of the word. What was that expression she told me once about the reasons someone comes into your life? Passing? Purpose? Forever?  A mix of all three? Do I have to choose one?

So my mind explores passion. My heart reads about Grey and Steele and part of it is passionate for me, and part of it is scary. Sometimes I run to the book and other times I run away from it. Part of me knows I have that in my life, and part of me knows that there is none of it and I want it.

Part of me wants a young, rich, sexy billionaire and the other part of me is more than content with the wealth I have in my own bed every night holding me and cuddling me and putting up with me.

And just like real passion, real life is complex. It is off an on and black and white with a whole lot of Grey mixed in. It comes and it goes. But one thing is for sure:

You sparkle a whole lot more when you are passionate. Life suddenly becomes more interesting because passion if it is inside of you and in your heart, and not just an act or an affair shared with a lover.

It is yours to keep. For good. It belongs to you.

Protect it.

Fragility of Friendships

I guess we are all different as Mothers. Some of us get really stressed out and worried when our kids fall down and get hurt, others it’s worry over bad grades. Some find the first day of separation at kindergarten grueling, and others it is the first day of college that is hardest.

For me it’s always been about my kids and their friends. Various things break my heart on various levels.

I am sad when my kids are not included by someone. I am sad if my kid excludes someone else. I feel really worried when my kid is not invited to a birthday party and even more stressed when my kid leaves out his own best friend to his party. Friendships…are complicated and it is so hard to watch this part of my kid's lives evolve.

As much as it is fascinating. It gives me tremendous pleasure when things are going well and breaks my heart when I perceive that they are not. I hate the feeling of knowing that my kid is feeling sadness or causing sadness for others. And now I can officially say I have been through all scenarios with all three kids.None of it is easy for me or them.

(The only good part of all of this is that I tend to focus on one poor kid of mine much less often and now it has expanded to the other lucky two! Easier to spread the worry and stress three ways!!!!) Distracts me a lot from one.

I know however that these experiences in childhood prepare them for adulthood. And for marriage,. And partnership. Without these lessons they will never fully bloom.

And I don’t really know what exactly about the childhood friendship area affects me the most. I was a fairly popular child and teenager with many friends and little social issues, so not really sure why this issue eats me at the very core?

Maybe because I was an only child (two half brothers so good part of childhood spend alone during week) . For me being alone a good part of time and so dependent on my parents for fun and entertainment, made the friends I had life lines in many ways.

I needed them desperately. I loved them.

Since most others had full time siblings and I had to wait for the weekend until mine came, my friends became almost siblings in many ways. I felt when they left that it was boring at home in many ways and craved the bustle of other households where the kids had built in chaos and playmates much of the time.

I seemed to always want a sleepover. Lucky for me my parents did not perscribe to the attachment theory method of parenting which includes the no-sleepover rule or I would have been faced with a lot of trouble. Sleepovers were oxygen for me in so many ways. I had many.

Even as an adult, friends are widely important to me. Most women my age who get to a stage of conflict or find themselves growing apart from a friend, let it go and gradually over time possibly lose the relationship together.

I in a number of situations over my adulthood have dealt with difficult issues head on because I can’t bear the thought of losing a precious friend without exploring, discussing and dealing with whatever is on the table.I have always gone to extremes when it comes to friendship it seems. Just as I would with my family.

My friends are just way too precious to me. They remain my lifelines on so many levels.

And like childhood friendships they change as we change. And even at this age I find that hard to deal with. How can I expect a 10-14 yr. old to do this?

How can I expect them to understand that that person you once cherished and had over everyday of your life now prefers another friend than you and does not want to see you? Or make my child understand that even if he is not your best friend now but was for the last 4 yrs., that yes it is important to still include him because he cares about you? Or have a tween understand that birthdays, graduations and other events are milestones and that not inviting someone to those events will pull part your relationship forever? Or that it is ok to feel totally upset and hurt if you are not included and to let it be known?

Life is tough, with wonderful magical moments in between.

So as summer starts… friends are on my mind. The plenty of them and the lack of them. The ones parading through my home on a constant basis and the ones who used to parade and now have vanished. The neighbors my kids run to and the ones they hide from.

There is nothing quite as strong for me as my children being good friends to others and my wish for them to be adored by many.

That’s just the way it seems to be around here in my heart.

Our Goalless Summer

Too much of a good thing sometimes has the opposite effect.

I have always been a goal girl (and always will be). That being said, summer for me is the one time of year that I seem not to want to let any goals in at all ,as much as it would make sense because we have more time than ever to devote to them.

Last summer I was inspired by two of my favorite blogs, by the notion of summer goals for the kids and us too. Committing to certain goals, monitoring the achievement of them, rewarding for them. Having a reading plan for summer etc…..I have read many parenting books that advocate that having goals in summer is good for kids.

In theory it all made sense to me and my achievement oriented mind, so wanted to run it by the family at family night. Within milliseconds all four of them shouted “No Way!!!!” Guess that was clear enough.

What was interesting was that my husband’s voice was the loudest. He had a very strong opinion on this one which is unusual for him to take such a stand when it comes to the parenting routines.

So last summer and this summer and likely every summer thereafter is our time to rest, to relax, to just be and to generally be free. Free of any expectations, commitments and as few routines as possible. Of course the house gets cleaned, the kids have their duties, teeth get brushed, books get read (very few unfortunately by the kids), and conversations are had.

However, family nights are stopped for summer, we sleep in as late as possible on weekends and vacations, we eat dinner at times most people have been asleep for hours, we have nonsense amounts of people entertained and welcomed into our home and cottage, the kids have endless sleepovers and pool parties and rules are lessened as much as possible without sacrificing our kids safety or well-being!

We look forward to summers in the way that some people crave water in a desert. As far as Hubby and I go, we try to schedule the least possible, except for friends and family, we try to work less, play more, enjoy a ton, and push all unpleasant and mundane tasks as much a way from these 8-10 weeks as possible.

We adore summer and protect it with all of our hearts.

People often ask me how it is possible that my kids don’t play soccer like most of the friends do?. Our answer has always been clear-we are not willing to schedule our time in the summer more than work goes. We refuse to be bound to a schedule at this precious time of year for us. It has some definite cons for our kids, but also has some definite pros. We spend a ton of time together, we get to enjoy the weather together and most our summer are filled with long family dinners, after dinner swims and ice-cream cones. I have no idea if in the future this will be good or bad for my kids long term….but I am listening to my heart  on this one and it is clearly telling me to hold on to those kids for as long as I possibly can.

We just were not made for summer schedules.

And winter hockey? Can’t do it as have 3 avid skiers in this house (plus us more intermediate ones) and our passion for skiing and the cottage outdoes the passion for hockey (secretly I am thrilled!!!!!!)

 So we will have a goalless summer yet again. Part of me feels envious and jealous when I see or read about other families that seem to use this time to accomplish things that I know are important. I feel like maybe my kids will end up not be as well read, or as organized or as high reaching in life. Part of me wishes that my summer was full of goals as the rest of my year is and that my family would embrace this great idea.

There is a part of me that will always be a Tiger Mother-but that makes up likely less than half of me. The French way likely describes me the most. Ritualized, goal oriented but more than anything pleasure and leisure oriented . Grasping onto as much pleasure I can fit into this family for as long as I can (and screaming at them often to just have more fun)!

But part of me also knows that, as the kids get older I need to listen to them more. As I get older I need to listen to myself more and both know that summer goals are just not for us. So those goals for the moments will be neatly written on a to do list for fall and tucked away for another day.

For now we will happily be goal free and bask in the freedom of the next best moment.
Lessening the speed of the other seasons and the expectations too.  Giving our bodies, our souls and our minds a recovery break to be back into full gear for fall!

An Honor and Privilege

Yesterday I got to spend precious time with our kids in varying special capacities and what kept occurring to me all day and evening was what an incredible privilege it feels like to be their Mother and to be on this journey with them.

I had always known that I would find much more joy as kids got older than when they were younger. I love babies. The smell of them. The feel of them, their vulnerability, their smiles, their coos, their open hearts and loveliness.

Then those babies turn into kids and although there are millions of things I love about them I can’t say the kid stage is my favorite (I know lots of years for it not to be my favorite stage!) Don’t get me wrong I still love it but not as good at it in some ways. The fact that little kids need help with homework and baths drains me over the decades..

Now. The stage I have been at in the last couple of years….really, really fuels me. Man alive is intellectually stimulating! There are MANY problems (including alienation, fights, teenage stuff, kids tough, attitude etc..) but it has so many beautiful things too. So many moments of connecting and discussing, so many independent showers and baths, so many wins and falls. I love that they are becoming unique individuals. So different in so many ways. There are no cookie cutter solutions anymore it seems.

This stage is one big puzzle and that part is so much fun for me. Although I hate jigsaw puzzles I do love solving things. Continuously.

Yesterday I got to soak them all in with each one having something special. Before work in the morning we went to Bear’s graduation ceremony at the school and it was an amazing feeling. I loved seeing him hug his favorite teachers with his sweet smiling face and  call them silly things as he accepted his honors “Merci la Belle et la Bête!” he seems to have a nickname for each of his favorites. Adorable.

Then last night his graduation ball-decked out in his cool and fancy clothes, the dance at school, the big party, the midnight swim held at our house with 8 of his friends. He pulling me and his sister up for the last dance as we arrived to pick him up….these memories will last a lifetime for me. I love this child.

During the 3 hr. dance we decided to take Beauty and a friend of her choice and Chase and a friend of his choice to a really nice and fancy restaurant (we never do this) They were both very honored and the friends very appreciative. So the 6 of us had a great dinner on the terrace and the kids seemed impressed that we would spend that money on them. The friends kept trying to pay and we said no way but asked in return that they promise to come swim in pool often and sleepover at our place (and buy me cupcakes sometimes).

It was a truly lovely evening.

I loved watching Chase and his buddy meet us there with their skateboard and scooter and leave us after dinner to hang our for a few more hours in the village. They are at a different stages now-of freedom and independence and my motto will be “catch them as often as I can”. My guy is growing up and by some miracle I seem to be handling this ok. I feel so honored to watch this process unfold. I feel so happy for him that he seems to have found that one friend who is his go to person right now.

And our daughter, her last day of school today, with invitation after invitation for fun stuff and pool parties. Loving every minute of eating treats and soaking in the sun. Hosting her own boy /girl pool party and introducing only the boys to her Dad and me with such pride (who cares about those girls anyways!) She has a wonderful life that girl….and I am happy for her. She is so incredibly different than my sons and I love watching her turn into a little lady. She came for the the pick up at grad dance and you could see how much she wished it was her. While my boys have been slightly slower to grow up..she is on full speed.

So I feel privileged this morning for these children in my life. It felt like an orchestra this week of what I have been trying to conduct my whole life. The kids finishing up school, the parties, the parents and kids (literally dozens and dozen of them) passing through our home every evening enjoying the comfort with our casual and relaxed attitude towards” take what you like and we won’t care much if it is messy”. A bag of chips and some soda is easy to prepare and allows us to see kids and parents often without a big fuss.

I found myself this week guiding my children instead of managing them. Advocating for them, but not leading life for them. Warning them but not deciding for them. Letting go a whole lot more than I was able to last summer and trusting that they would make the right choices.

Bear came through loud and clear last night. Thank you Baby for understanding that including is always better than excluding.

I felt this week like part of a big, big village with so much support and so many networks for both ourselves and our kids. I felt like I could get lost in the love that surrounded us.

I felt proud that in many ways…I contributed to building this. Sometimes fighting hard by myself in many ways. On Purpose. I  was part of giving this to them. It was always my plan..and my dream and I did not lose sight of the fact that we needed a village to raise our children in so many ways and could not be as happy on our own.

A series purposeful actions, deliberateness and vulnerabilities have led me to the place we are now that I feel we are safe and good in..until the next fall.

One Mistake at a time……..

The Problem with Being a Durable Object

I have been reading a lot about this parenting concept lately. About “Being a Durable Object” as a parent when your kids are pushing your buttons. I have read blogs on it, books on it and articles too. Seems like it is becoming one of those universally accepted parenting methods in the same way that time outs are-for almost every spectrum of the parenting thinking scale from authoritarian to the most lenient parenting approaches alike.

It seem to be pretty universal that the best thing to do when you feel like you might throw your child over a bridge or yell at him endlessly;  is to remain calm, cool and collected.

I have been trying to practice this for years with somewhat medium success (to be honest low-medium). I have tried doing this most of my adult life  well before the method had a name.

With kids until age 12yrs I have thought doable. With teenagers? VERY hard. However I am smart enough to know (just like time outs) that there was reason this is being fed to us…it works. And is really the onlyway. It is one of those things like sleep training, time outs, or any type of discipline or technique that takes practice, practice and practice to get it right. It is an exhausting exercise-but well worth the effort long term. Short term pain-long term gain as in everything when it comes to parenting.

But my goodness is this hard.

Chase my 14.5 yr old is really pushing the limits in the last month. Full on teenage stage has hit (but my friends with teenagers say it has not and that is nothing but the beginning stages!) Crap!!!!

When he acts his certain “special” way-my instinct is to throw myself at him, hold him down and scream into his face “YOU must LISTEN to ME!!!!!” and then lock him in his room for the rest of the day along with a few spankings.

I don’t do that (usually-ok never)

On the flip side this little man has the ability to sweep me off my feet. He can make the most average or mundane things found so charming “Mom!!!!!! I got a 70% on my French test!!!!!!!! Isn’t that AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!-I love you Mommy-give me a big hug!!!!!!!!”

When he acts this way I equally wanted to kaput myself in his arms, pull him onto my lap and hug him to no end. I could cuddle that child on a couch for hours and look at his sweet chiseled tanned little man face with those big green eyes. And then I remember “what the hell is SO great about a 70??” He did this to me again???.

So all that to say-especially with my first child-being a durable object is tough for me on many levels I need to get way better at this and quickly!

This will be the summer of change for he and I-we are moving into democratic territory-a new parenting way I think as of September that will apply to him only since his phase is way different than my other two. Lots of decision making together, less of me imposing my beliefs on him (although I will certainly impose my chore charts on him). Lots of individuality, talks, discussions, seeing what works, seeing what doesn’t. I might as well get a complete makeover as a parent in many ways but I always knew this time would come.

All my favorite and best parenting gurus have all said “authoritarian 75 % democratic 25% 0-12 yrs. 12yrs and beyond it switches 75% democratic and 25% authoritarian.

It is time for the switch. Oh my goodness I am more than scared. Can I possibly do this?? Yes of course I can!

It is so very difficult to watch these children become teens-such a complex and intricate stage. So aggravating, so full of impulsivity, the alienation, the rejection, and the sheer force of their sometimes hurtful words (did my BABY just say no to me in that yucky tone)??

But it is is all the same so beautiful and breathtaking to watch. I love watching my son turn into a man. The broadening of his shoulders, the deepening of his voice, the smell of his hair as he gets out of the shower when he used that AXE shampoo made just for men, the green shirts that bring out his eyes. The emotions he struggles with, the anger, the sweetness, the complexity all wrapped up into him.

I have always loved boys. And my two sons are certainly no exception. Watching a boy turn to man is…….so incredibly sweet. Men are amazing creatures. It is such an incredible honor to bring up sons.

It could very well bring me to my knees to watch this process.

But I will try the best I can to be that durable object because we (he and I) both know) that is really the only way to get through these years.

To care deeply within our hearts, but not let it all bubble to the surface too often in heated moments.

Or we will both end up as angry, lovable, screaming, loving blubbering idiots. And that is not very effective is it on a day to day basis?

It’s time for another way.I can feel it coming on.

Not My Daughter's Jeans

I remember seeing an ad for these godforsaken pants a few years ago and thinking to myself "over my dead body would I wear those!"

I still have not worn them-and am very content in my Seven of Mankind pair-but I have changed my perspective on this brand..I actually think it is a catchy brand name now that shows some truth.

Two things happened to me between then and now. I turned forty and my daughter turned ten.

I have had "the bathing suit conversation" with so many 40 yrs olds this year I have lost track. We pretty much all agree that there is something a little off about a woman over 40 wearing a true bikini.
No matter how hot, sexy, petite or curvy that body is. There is something that creeps up when you turn 40 that just makes it a bit weirder to wear a bikini.

The skin is older? The age marks are more numerous-who knows or truly comprehends?. Nobody seems to look remotely the same as they did in there 30's no matter how much there body may have stayed the same.

All over 40’s are getting weird looks it seems in their bikinis (and mainly from their own kids).
We all still wear them...and often look good in them. But less frequently in front of others, and friends, and certainly less in front of our kids friends. It's a real phenomenon just like "Shades of Grey" the bikini thing (or lack of bikinis) . This conversation seems to be sweeping the nation.

We wear them with our husbands and on beaches where no pictures will be taken. We still prefer our bodies in them but something becomes unacceptable about them in this decade it seems.

I never ever thought I would say that. I hate one pieces.

And then our daughters turn 10 and it's as if we are bombarded with a parade of beautiful little ladies all the time throughout our homes, our pools, and our lives. In and out of the pool and lake in teensy bikinis, tight tanks and tiny shorts. My life (and camera) are filled of these gorgeous girls in all shapes and sizes looking just plain youthful and beautiful. Long tanned legs and muscular calves......everywhere. In these gorgeous little outfits. Girls. Wow. I remember those good old days ....

It's maybe at 40 that we give part of our beauty to our daughters to make space for theirs? We keep part too. We become more beautiful in so many ways.
But we trade in our bikinis for this wisdom and this peace that washes over us. We seem not to be able to hold both equally perhaps?

So although I a far cry from buying anything even resembling “not my daughter jeans”...I can see the day ahead and can embrace it unshamelessly.

I am content to sit here and admire my daughter's beautiful physique as she dives into the pool in perfect posture and poise. As her and her friends bloom into beautiful young ladies one day at a time experimenting with their bodies and confidence somtimes one outfit at a time it seems as girls seem to do.

Beauty looks at me under those long eyelashes subtly  when her friends surround her, silently asking me to wear my boring one piece.
And I do. For her. And for me. Just for today to please her
Tomorrow is always another day and I have a drawer of pink, aqua and yellow bikinis for when she and I are alone in the comfort of our pool together.

Where I get not to be 40 but her Mom and I happily wear my bikini. And my daughter happily selects her own nunlike Speedo one piece in the pool with me.

It's funny how life shifts and alters. And amazing how we follow it.

Comment Te Remericier?

I am not a very holiday type of person. Sure I do it well and everything, the Christmas trees, the bday parties, the easter eggs etc… Trust me go all our most of the time and am very atached to tradition, but often I find holidays over commercialized. It does not resonate well with me that everyone all around the world celebrates at the same time for some reason. I like things to be heartfelt and unique.

However for some reason Father’s Day really resonates with me. It’s a holiday I like to put alot of focus on and make special. Even though I know every Father out there Sunday is waking up to cards, gifts and breakfast and newspapers in bed; I still like it alot.

And they reason I like it has nothing to do with my own Dad who passed away last year. He had some very sweet qualities but being an exceptional father was unfortunately not the highest on his list (although there were important things I learned and loved about him through different phases of my life).

The Father I have given to my children is what I like to celebrate most. I might say it is likely my highest accomplishment in life and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am so estatic that they have him as a Dad-it comforts me to no end.

When I set out to find a husband at the ripe age of 22 yrs ..(ha-ha wasn't really like that at all just a joke!) all I had in mind was that above and beyond anything my husband was going to rock as a Dad. It was fundamentally probably the most important thing for me (yes Freud I know you are in your grave now analyzing the hell out of the father-daughter relationship I had as a child and connecting it to the husband I have chosen).

The funny thing is when I met him he barely wanted kids. But he knew by marrying me, the little bossy fertile thing I was, that he would end up with them. We still have no idea how on earth we ended up with three of these creaturesJ

And my Protector…is also very much their Protector. I have written about this wonderful man before many a time in these blogs, but he literally does everything for us. And in the areas where he feels he lacks at all-he tries to change and adjust to the craziness surrounding him. Can a woman ask for more? The three words that describe him as a Dad would be Nurturing, Providing and Capable.

He provides security and comfort for us all always. Every single day every hour and every minute. He could solve any problem or situation. It’s to the point I barely know how to do anything at all because he knows how to do everything. And the man is brilliant and humble  too-as in top in entire province from  graduating year at notarial law school (never mentioned that to us until we found a newspaper clipping in an old album). Had his own successful practice running since the age of 21 yrs.old! God I hope my kids have his genes.

Anyways this year what I have appreciated about him most as my husband is his willingness to change. I have just about ripped every inch of security from underneath him from starting this blog, changing cottages and changing in many ways myself from what he has always known…and asking him to take this journey with me. He happily does. Slowly but surely. Stable.

Each year when we do the rounds and visit our doctor, dentists, bloodtest takers etc... I am reminded of just how beautiful  my husband is because all the professionals remind me often that I have a really hot guy in my bed (I know a little odd coming from a doctor, but that’s just perfectly fine with us).

So we will celebrate this Dad on Saturday and Sunday with a meal cooked by me of summer pasta, sausages on the BBQ and a dessert Bear and I will make of lemon lime pie that I stole off my friend’s blog. The kids will make him Cheese Dreams in bed on Sunday and he will sip his coffee on the dock.

I have a whole slew of gifts for him that I carefully choose this year (unusual for me to put big emphasis on gifts but really wanted to spoil him a bit). My Mom will be with us at Trent all decked out in her bug suit .

We will end the day with a generous invitation to our old cottage from his sister who so graciously invited us to spend Father’s Day at her place. We are thrilled to go there and be there with them. Feels like a brand new start actually. Perfect way to celebrate my husband by seeing his sister. I am a firm beleiver that siblings need eachother no matter how different they are. They were made from the same original mold and they need to stick together through thick and thin. Families of procreation are one thing...families of orientation are etched deep, deep deep in our hearts. We have to do everything in our power to access that-always.

So Hon-thanks for all that you are and everything you do. Happy Father’s Day to the man who has made all of our dreams come true.

I promise that one day, in the next decade, I will let you retire and make money enough for both of us. I can't wait to come home to strawberry marjaritas and fresh tomatoes and boccacini from the garden you grow. Served to me on a flowery plate you choose from the village decorating store.