Yesterday I got to spend precious time with our kids in varying special capacities and what kept occurring to me all day and evening was what an incredible privilege it feels like to be their Mother and to be on this journey with them.
I had always known that I would find much more joy as kids got older than when they were younger. I love babies. The smell of them. The feel of them, their vulnerability, their smiles, their coos, their open hearts and loveliness.
Then those babies turn into kids and although there are millions of things I love about them I can’t say the kid stage is my favorite (I know lots of years for it not to be my favorite stage!) Don’t get me wrong I still love it but not as good at it in some ways. The fact that little kids need help with homework and baths drains me over the decades..
Now. The stage I have been at in the last couple of years….really, really fuels me. Man alive is intellectually stimulating! There are MANY problems (including alienation, fights, teenage stuff, kids tough, attitude etc..) but it has so many beautiful things too. So many moments of connecting and discussing, so many independent showers and baths, so many wins and falls. I love that they are becoming unique individuals. So different in so many ways. There are no cookie cutter solutions anymore it seems.
This stage is one big puzzle and that part is so much fun for me. Although I hate jigsaw puzzles I do love solving things. Continuously.
Yesterday I got to soak them all in with each one having something special. Before work in the morning we went to Bear’s graduation ceremony at the school and it was an amazing feeling. I loved seeing him hug his favorite teachers with his sweet smiling face and call them silly things as he accepted his honors “Merci la Belle et la Bête!” he seems to have a nickname for each of his favorites. Adorable.
Then last night his graduation ball-decked out in his cool and fancy clothes, the dance at school, the big party, the midnight swim held at our house with 8 of his friends. He pulling me and his sister up for the last dance as we arrived to pick him up….these memories will last a lifetime for me. I love this child.
During the 3 hr. dance we decided to take Beauty and a friend of her choice and Chase and a friend of his choice to a really nice and fancy restaurant (we never do this) They were both very honored and the friends very appreciative. So the 6 of us had a great dinner on the terrace and the kids seemed impressed that we would spend that money on them. The friends kept trying to pay and we said no way but asked in return that they promise to come swim in pool often and sleepover at our place (and buy me cupcakes sometimes).
It was a truly lovely evening.
I loved watching Chase and his buddy meet us there with their skateboard and scooter and leave us after dinner to hang our for a few more hours in the village. They are at a different stages now-of freedom and independence and my motto will be “catch them as often as I can”. My guy is growing up and by some miracle I seem to be handling this ok. I feel so honored to watch this process unfold. I feel so happy for him that he seems to have found that one friend who is his go to person right now.
And our daughter, her last day of school today, with invitation after invitation for fun stuff and pool parties. Loving every minute of eating treats and soaking in the sun. Hosting her own boy /girl pool party and introducing only the boys to her Dad and me with such pride (who cares about those girls anyways!) She has a wonderful life that girl….and I am happy for her. She is so incredibly different than my sons and I love watching her turn into a little lady. She came for the the pick up at grad dance and you could see how much she wished it was her. While my boys have been slightly slower to grow up..she is on full speed.
So I feel privileged this morning for these children in my life. It felt like an orchestra this week of what I have been trying to conduct my whole life. The kids finishing up school, the parties, the parents and kids (literally dozens and dozen of them) passing through our home every evening enjoying the comfort with our casual and relaxed attitude towards” take what you like and we won’t care much if it is messy”. A bag of chips and some soda is easy to prepare and allows us to see kids and parents often without a big fuss.
I found myself this week guiding my children instead of managing them. Advocating for them, but not leading life for them. Warning them but not deciding for them. Letting go a whole lot more than I was able to last summer and trusting that they would make the right choices.
Bear came through loud and clear last night. Thank you Baby for understanding that including is always better than excluding.
I felt this week like part of a big, big village with so much support and so many networks for both ourselves and our kids. I felt like I could get lost in the love that surrounded us.
I felt proud that in many ways…I contributed to building this. Sometimes fighting hard by myself in many ways. On Purpose. I was part of giving this to them. It was always my plan..and my dream and I did not lose sight of the fact that we needed a village to raise our children in so many ways and could not be as happy on our own.
A series purposeful actions, deliberateness and vulnerabilities have led me to the place we are now that I feel we are safe and good in..until the next fall.
One Mistake at a time……..
