Ya RIght...

You know that saying " the dog ate my homework?"

I have a better one now. It might even become a book title on day it is so catchy.

"My teacher is cross eyed and thought it was me being rude but it was really the guy next to me"

"I swear to god!!!!"

Thanks Bear for that comic relief of the year.

Benevolence

I just love the sound of this word. It is so pretty.

The meaning is pretty cool too.

I rolled it around on my tongue yesterday at lunch. While I was meditating. And shortly after I rolled a grape on my tongue and stared at it for another 20 minutes. It was called a grape meditation.

Who could have known I could be a Yogi??????

In the last few weeks however I think I could be convinced. Three meditation classes later and my first yoga class behind me, I can say I like this stuff quite a lot. I can’t even believe I am open to it. So not my style.

Guess it is now.

So yes grapes on tongue and calling out to the beauty and benevolence of the world is an interesting thing to do at lunch at work. Breathing in and out and trying to sound like the ocean is quite lovely. And sending my problems to the universe to solve during a contemplative meditation is wierd but cool.

Having an image come to be out of nowhere of myself in the arms of Jesus Christ (dressed as my husband) and mini baby Jesus in his arms as a baby (me) was quite scary and weird-but my mind stays open. Stranger things can happen right? It's just another day.

Benevolence.

I love that word.

Today

Yup today is the day to say goodbye..to an incredible 3 yr journey on so many levels.

Having an angel on your shoulder much of the time for 3 years has many benefits but it can make you addicted a bit too.

Time to test out all you have learnt for yourself now. Time to put it into action on your own with a number of texts and blogs and some visits in between

So today I used banana shower cream instead of mint or strawberry

Today I wore pearls because our first “transformer” said that there is nothing like “good old fashioned pearls on a pretty girl” and that day in particular started it all off between her and I. So I repeated the outfit just for fun

Today I both dreaded but somehow accepted on many levels already

Today I will bid farewell to a teacher. A leader. A friend.

Mostly a strong  strong  leader. Put on this earth to lead me in way I never knew I needed. I was a lucky girl.

And she will still be there. Across the seas and the world. Juggling life and work and love. Being there for me and many others. The difference will be that we won’t share every day. And that will be hard-but interesting.

I think she is right. I can picture our texts being quick and dirty “Should I say married or get divorced”  Should I quit this job?” Concerta or Biophentin?” Do I kill myself today or tomorrow? Which color looks best on me? My ass looks fat these days any suggestions?” Am I lovable or a freak? How do I make a million dollars super quick? What should I fricking do???

So I look forward to that. I assume in some ways I will be a distant person but also paradoxically an important lifeline for her. And she will be one for me too.

I think she knows I need her. I think she knows she needs me too.I think we both get that by now.

I have learnt so much through her. About life. And friendship. Work. Love. We have had a very unique and strong relationship that I would have never predicted.

We set our daughters up well too. And the power of that situation will never be forgotten for any of the four of us.

We won an award together. I taught her some serious bold.

She shared such intimate parts of herself with me and taught me beauty

I taught her to ask and need

She taught me so much about two of my best friends and what I needed and wanted and how to get it. I have it nowJ

She saved me from losing some very important people in my life

I taught her to let her insides out

I taught her to ask

She taught me to relax

She taught me greyness and ambiguity and I taught her Grey

She taught me to accept myself fully

I taught her to love her situation and be open about it

She showed me integrity

She showed me friendship comes in many forms

She set me up for success in life

She showed me how to save money on my hair and save for Cartier

She believes in me

I will make her proud

She will likely invest in me and my future company

She will be in the front row of my TV show no matter how busy she gets

She drives for me

She cooks for me

She was there when I publically forgave myself and forgave my Father and I had only known her for a month. She gave me the strength through her own sharing of vulnerability. Really I did it for her. And for me. Because I knew we both needed it.

We met for a reason. For both of us.

It is also forever.

I will reach out to her if someone important is sick. And she will respond to me within 24 hrs  wherever she is and whatever she may be doing.

She taught me to be perfectly ok no matter what life holds

She taught me how to move on with or without support

She taught me how to give the very best parts of myself and offer them up on a silver platter

Today is Goodbye. And it is Hello.

Waiting and Hungry

(written March 18 during My Heartbeat’s surgery)

It’s funny what you notice about yourself when you wait for something. You discover a lot.

Over the last few days I have imagined today in my head quite often and two things come to mind: waiting and affection. Waiting to be held and to hold.

I know I might sound a bit crazy right now-but that is fine. On 3 hrs of sleep at up at 4am and waiting for my Mom while she is in surgery-I feel like I am entitled to be a bit off the wall. If there is an experience that has an ability to render me a bit crazy-this is it.

And no worry my Mom’s surgery is not super serious-she will be fine. When it comes to my Mom however it’s always serious. My love for her is serious business. If you know me at all-you know this fact.

So I start here thinking today since I have plenty of time to do just that, here all alone and by myself, thinking about how interesting the world can turn. It’s ironic that in these last few days and today-in a time of stress I will likely become something I have always wanted to be: more affectionate to some degree.

People probably think I am a very good hugger already and super affectionate in general . However I know I am not. There are a lot of things people think I am good at that I am not. Doesn’t mean I can’t become better does it? And I don’t mean I will just hug anyone either-it’s a very chosen few I am talking about. For me if your emotional and physical self meet-it is a very evolved person in front of you.

I have long history of hugging and not hugging. I sort of like it and I sort of don’t. I have always known it is good for me-but it has always not been super easy either. It’s hard to explain. Hugging and not hugging is often on my radar. The only one who really gets what I am talking about is in surgery right now. She knows.

She has a long history with hugging too.

I also have a long history with doctors and hospitals. A sort of love hate relationship. More hate than love for certain. Hence why I want to be alone now. I don’t talk much while in hospitals. I like silence while I wait. Text is a godsend.

So waiting is interesting. Interesting when we have lots of time on our hands and lots of stress and what we decide to do with it is what is going to make a difference. And in my waiting time I have decided to become more affectionate in a very broad sense of the word. To fully support others and allow myself to be fully supportable by others. The first part is a piece of cake. The second? In progress. Interesting how my previous mentor’s words come so clearly to me at this moment. He also happens or be one of the very best huggers on earth. Coincidence?

Waiting for a call. Waiting for a text. Waiting for a walk, or the rain or the storm. Waiting for the next meal-the next kiss, the next math mark. Waiting for health, or news, or when the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy will play. Waiting to find my sweater, my heart or to hear her voice. Waiting for my nails to grow and my heart to heal. Waiting to awaken and to go to sleep tonight. Waiting.

Waiting for her

Waiting with her

Waiting together. Separate. But always together.

Health. Happiness. Strength. Love. They are yours.Do you hear me? Yes…you most certainly do. Wake up and come back to me safely…

Do it Now. Please?

(Postcript-written Tuesday March 19^th)

Everything is going to be alright. Surgery over and successful. Mom in hospital and was admitted for day and night for pain management. Being discharged in huge snowstorm) this afternoon.

I am so happy. And exhausted. Best energy I have ever spent however.

 

 

 

Sleeping Beauty

There is not much that compares to the anxiety I feel, if I feel that the health or well-being one of my kids or husband are threatened.

Except when it comes to my Mom and her health and wellbeing.

It is all consuming. My love for her is immense. There aren’t many words to describe it really. And Monday she will go into surgery and this makes me feel really nervous. The surgery will be hard and her recovery hard. I will be taking care of her for two days-that will be hard too.

When it comes to her I feel her pain as if it was my own-her stress as if it was my own. Sometimes and often even much more than with my own three kids. And Monday there I will be be waiting in the waiting room alone-as she sleeps.

I have been very very good at controlling my stress and anxiety over this so far, and I continue to do shockingly well still-but for some reason this morning it started getting to me. My stomach hurts, and my head is blurry and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep myself for a long while.

But I know that is no help at all-and not a good idea. I need to be strong and there for my Mom. I need to act like Me.

It pains me to the core to think that my Mom will be recovering alone after the first few days of help. I want a man holding her hand. I want a strong Dad or a Step Dad holding mine.

Anyways-this weighs heavily on my mind and I want Monday to come and go quickly for her. I know it will go very well-I can feel it in my bones. My Mom has a long and healthy life ahead of her.Of that I am certain.

This surgery brings up so many complex feeling for me on so on many levels. Monday will be a difficult day.

Love-prayers and hugs to my beautiful Mama-Bear

 With love forever and a day,

 Your Baby Cheena

OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!

An exact 24 hours after my blog about pill swallowing was written –Chase swallowed a pill 6 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This calls for a OMFG!!! As one of my BFF’s texted me so sweetly last night.

(and don’t worry these are all sugar pills that we ordered many of from a specialized compound pharmacy so don’t get all granola on me now ok???)

So there I was truly had surrendered and given up completely and was AT PEACE. Did not even mention the incident from the night before at our dinner time. Ordered the sub optimal drug for him and had a long talk with the pharmacy about what to do with a potential 85 yrs. old man who can’t swallow pills one day. (aka good old suppositories!)

Then at dinner I am there eating with the kids and Hubby at work. Chase gets this weird and serious and quiet look on his face and I honestly thought he might be dead or silently choking or in a coma as he is never silent or serious. I ask him what he is doing and he says “just thinking”

Then he quickly leaves the table and pours a glass of milk and tells me he has to go up and swallow a pill. That he can do it.

(Pls note this has happened in various forms almost every day for 6 weeks)

But this time 30 seconds later he SCREAMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And he did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was so in shock he did not even believe it himself and thought pill had fallen in the milk. Kids were all jumping up and down and I was crying and jumping too. He was laughing and almost crying and barely breathing and said he wanted to show us all again. So he tried three times and was unable and started getting anxious again. I reassured him that when you are jumping and not able to breathe and crying and laughing that your throat may not be as relaxed. We closed the door and left and let him do  it again alone and he did it. And then in front of us three times!

 Then he called my Mom and his Dad and shouted his good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They were estatic!!!

Then he said he was ready for the bigger capsules of sugar we had ordered (best 35$ I have ever spent in my life thanks Mom for the encouragement!) I told him to try next day so he could just stay excited and feel like he succeeded. He refused and swallowed 3 big capsules one after another.

I have a true druggie!!!! Join the family son!!!!:))))

OMG!!! OMFG!

This may not seem like a miracle to you but it is for me.

I could have died when my Mom said on phone to him “Congrats!!! So happy for you!!! Are you still getting the 50$$$????????????”

 

Mom!!! Mom!!! Seriously????????????????????????

So we are on damage control on that one right now and not letting money even enter this ecstatic moment of intrinsic pride for him. He asked for a special chocolates and celebration that night and I told him:

Just enjoy it. Enjoy the pride in and of it my darling boy. Just pride is plenty. You have changed the course of your entire life tonight on so many levels. You will take the med you need now and in the future..but most importantly you overcame what you thought was impossible. YOU did this.

Last night was in my top three favorite days of my life including Getting my Girl…..Bear into Sports Program..and now Prideful Pills Swallower. (Oh ya and my marriage and the three births).

What choked me up the most about this…….was his face. His pride. And knowing that my true and utter and sincere belief in him …has set him free.

And with that I have also found freedom

Tears….:)

 

 

Failure or Success?

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference”

(Serenity prayer)

Since I wrote my post last year that was a big hit “Deserved Chewables” and made a lot of people laugh…things have not moved ahead very far unfortunately in the pill swallowing department.

My 15 year old son still cannot swallow a pillL

My 13 yr. old learnt this year and my 10 yr. old learnt this week, but no success with my 15 yrs. old.

And this poses a very big problem because he needs to start a daily medication for his ADD and the one prescribed needs to be swallowed. We have spent the last 6 weeks doing everything possible to get him to swallow it. He went to my Mom’s for 2 hours and we bought every contraption off the internet to help us. He tried 6 times alone locked in the bathroom filling his mouth up with water first, pushing it to the back off his throat..Everything. Trust me I have read every trick there is on the internet to help him.

We have tried understanding and tough love. Sympathy and bravery. Hugging him and screaming at him. No go.

Last night my husband did something that we would never even dream of doing for ANYTHING. He smacked a 50$ bill in front of Chase and told him if he swallowed it within 15 minutes it was his. Nope.

And the kid is cooperative and motivated. He wants to swallow it desperately. He tried and tried and persevered. He is fully on board. My husband even agrees after the bribery incident and watching the way Chase swallows normal food like yogurt even with difficulty that this is just not going to happen. Not at this phase of his life anyways. And trust me my husband up until now has been pushing and pushing and pushing.

So last night we did something we never ever do. We gave up. When Chases was curled in a ball crying in his bed after feeling spent, humiliated and tired of failing at something he feels he has no control over…we just looked at him and told him it was ok. We told him that we were going to stop trying to force it and find alternate methods. That he would do this if and when he was ready as hard as this will make his life.

And then I did something else I have never done. I left his room with him not being able to speak at all as he was so upset except for two words which I managed to get out of him “I am depressed and I am mad at myself”. And I hugged him and went to watch American Idol.

Later that night I left him a beside note “It will be ok..I promise. I believe in you and I always will”

And somehow I woke up this morning feeling good. And proud. And happy. And when I saw Chases’s face this morning I knew that I chose the right path. He hugged me and smiled at me and we made jokes in the car on the way to school. He openly talked about his “failure” and his crying spell in front of his brother.

We did well.

So yes we will have to live with the consequences and so will Chase.But this time we do not deserve it.

Yes I will have to hear every family member’s opinion and friend’s opinions and the neighbors next door, most saying “just tell him to suck it up and swallow the damn pill-be a man!” and trust me their advice is precious and I have tried that many a time. And yes I will read time after time after time on the internet to keep at it and cut gummy bears in half and swallow whole bananas with pills in the middle. I will suck it up and listen to all of this.

And ignore most of it and follow my heart on this one. And give up.

He will go on the sub optimal drug that can be broken and sprinkled and we will manage with that one. We will try see the positives instead of the negatives and wear our raise colored glasses for a while. I tell myself that since this one is less long acting he will not be “zombie like” by the time I get home for dinner-yay! I wasn’t looking forward to his normal and natural sparkle only showing up when he slept anyways.

And I will feel that I was successful and so was he in to very distinct ways. I was able to know when enough was enough but more importantly to see this child of mine as more adult. This is his problem and not mine. He will have to deal with it in his life and handle it. I have him all the help I had in me and I did my best.

And he succeeds because he truly and utterly and honestly tried his best to overcome this phobia. And despite it all this morning he was able to get up and get dressed and smile and laugh and let life go on.

And this ability in him-and especially him-is something that I admire tremendously. And has taught me something that I will remember as a lesson forever.

Move on. Life is good.

And this time chewable were not deserved but we got them anyway.