(written March 18
during My Heartbeat’s surgery)
It’s funny what you notice about yourself when you wait
for something. You discover a lot.
Over the last few days I have imagined today in my head
quite often and two things come to mind: waiting and affection. Waiting to be
held and to hold.
I know I might sound a bit crazy right now-but that is
fine. On 3 hrs of sleep at up at 4am and waiting for my Mom while she is in
surgery-I feel like I am entitled to be a bit off the wall. If there is an experience
that has an ability to render me a bit crazy-this is it.
And no worry my Mom’s surgery is not super serious-she
will be fine. When it comes to my Mom however it’s always serious. My love for her is serious business. If you
know me at all-you know this fact.
So I start here thinking today since I have plenty of
time to do just that, here all alone and by myself, thinking about how
interesting the world can turn. It’s ironic that in these last few days and
today-in a time of stress I will likely become something I have always wanted
to be: more affectionate to some degree.
People probably think I am a very good hugger already and
super affectionate in general . However I know I am not. There are a lot of
things people think I am good at that I am not. Doesn’t mean I can’t become
better does it? And I don’t mean I will just hug anyone either-it’s a very
chosen few I am talking about. For me if your emotional and physical self
meet-it is a very evolved person in front of you.
I have long history of hugging and not hugging. I sort of
like it and I sort of don’t. I have always known it is good for me-but it has
always not been super easy either. It’s hard to explain. Hugging and not
hugging is often on my radar. The only one who really gets what I am talking
about is in surgery right now. She knows.
She has a long history with hugging too.
I also have a long history with doctors and hospitals. A
sort of love hate relationship. More hate than love for certain. Hence why I
want to be alone now. I don’t talk much while in hospitals. I like silence
while I wait. Text is a godsend.
So waiting is interesting. Interesting when we have lots
of time on our hands and lots of stress and what we decide to do with it is
what is going to make a difference. And in my waiting time I have decided to
become more affectionate in a very broad sense of the word. To fully support others and allow myself to
be fully supportable by others. The first part is a piece of cake. The
second? In progress. Interesting how my previous mentor’s words come so clearly
to me at this moment. He also happens or be one of the very best huggers on earth.
Coincidence?
Waiting for a call. Waiting for a text. Waiting for a
walk, or the rain or the storm. Waiting for the next meal-the next kiss, the
next math mark. Waiting for health, or news, or when the next episode of Grey’s
Anatomy will play. Waiting to find my sweater, my heart or to hear her voice.
Waiting for my nails to grow and my heart to heal. Waiting to awaken and to go
to sleep tonight. Waiting.
Waiting for her
Waiting with her
Waiting
together. Separate. But always together.
Health. Happiness. Strength. Love. They are yours.Do you
hear me? Yes…you most certainly do. Wake up and come back to me safely…
Do it Now. Please?
(Postcript-written
Tuesday March 19th)
Everything is going to be alright. Surgery over and
successful. Mom in hospital and was admitted for day and night for pain management.
Being discharged in huge snowstorm) this afternoon.
I am so happy. And exhausted. Best energy I have ever
spent however.
