Positive Pushing

The kids are back from camp as of early this morning!  We are happy to have them home with us. The weather turned completely-huge wind storms and big and heavy rain just in time for their arrivals.

(Doesn’t matter anyways. Two have been asleep on the couch all day and one silent as she is exhausted).

The best part of this post is that: BEAUTY LOVED CAMP! After all that fussing and crying and depression-she adored it. Even asked to go back again next year (this is a first as some years she thinks camp is ok-but has never loved it) I knew she would this year as older kids..lots of boys too…she loved it.

So what is proved to me is my entire basis of my parenting theory. Parents need to push. Gently and firmly. Push for what you think is right for them even if that is majorly out of theirs (and sometimes yours) comfort zone. You are the parent after all and not their friend. And you have way more wisdom and life experience than they do. Use it well.

She almost had me that Beauty this time. Almost had been convinced of her incapability to handle this. Can you imagine if I had let her stay home and bore herself to death here with us for 12 days?  Seeing her hug all her counsellors and friends, all the pictures and smiling faces with her new buddies…if she had stayed home it would have been a crime. And my fault.

And not because she would have missed out on a great time..but because she would not have received the gift she just did: Confidence and capability. Knowing she can manage under challenging circumstances. Get over a broken heart and make a happy heart.

So I feel good today. Very very good. And very competent in the parenting coaching I provide many others. My formula is a good one.

There are two very vivid and important memories that my Hubby always talks about from his childhood which impacted his entire life. One was his parents telling the teachers in grade 5 that he should not go to the overnight classe neige camp at school because it was too hard and he would miss his parents too much (aka they felt he was not capable).

His teacher called the parents and told him this was wrong and that he had to go. They listened and he went and had a good time (and yes did miss his mom and worried about her as she was in wheelchair and ill his entire life). But he did it. And he had a great time. And most of all he felt proud of himself and capable. He remembers that phone call home from that teacher and describes it almost as if she was his savior. She saved him from both himself and his parents from making the biggest mistake of their lifetime. And I mean this…this experience and vote of confidence affected him deeply.

He talks about it over and over and over again. And realizes now that them not wanting him to go had nothing to do with him..but their own insecurities. Not him. But thy placed their insecurities on him as the scapegoat. Thank goodness for this brave and smart teacher.

I am so glad that he went. As the teacher eloquently described to his parents “why should your son feel that he is not capable of leaving his parents when the entire class is doing just that?  Do you really want him believing that he is not as capable and strong and resilient as any other grade 5? Is this the message you want him to learn about himself?”

I am glad that today he has become the type of Dad who believes in his kids….in their power…and who does not get too affected by the little daughter who begs him to sleep at camp with her. That he fundamentally knows that his job is to love her, to believe in her and to have her believe in her own capability. Not only by words but by actions. He is the type of Dad a girl needs.

All three kids had a good time. Bear excellent, Beauty surprisingly good and Chase good enough (he never speaks when he comes home for camp for the first 24 hrs. so hard to know!)

With my kids they are bad with transition-takes them some time to get back to normal. They are exhausted too and the two boys had an all-night sleepover party in the gym with 35 adolescent boys (and girls) last night and I think they are a bit overwhelmed and spent!

Beauty fell pretty much in love and “was one of the seven couples in Junior section” Her new beau is about two feet tall and bought her a huge pink striped lollipop from Laronde that says “I love you”  She said he best part of camp were the two slow dances last night. I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Picking those kids up today felt like a whole new world. Not kids anymore but a young woman and two young men. Having lives and loves completely separate than ours and unique to them. I barely recognized them and quickly realized I needed to give them some “space” to say their goodbyes.

It made me realize how far they have all come. In their growing up process..Their adolescence is fully underway and this camp made that all the more real.

I love them all and am so happy they are home.

Even if they are asleep, ignoring us..or buried in their Ipads-they are back safely at home.

Daring Greatly

Daring Greatly

I am reading the phenomenal book this week by Brene Brown on Vulnerability. Super interesting subject. And interesting how it came to my attention too.. Three people referred it to me for no apparent reason. Two had not even read it. I am usually the one referring books to people and rarely is it the other way around.

One said to me, the one who had read it: “This book is YOU. This is your personal brand. What makes you special”.

As I read it I see what a huge compliment this is. The book is all about having the courage to be vulnerable. And how much courage it takes to lead this kind of life. To open yourself, your heart, your emotions. To dig deeply and importantly. All for the sake of connection.

This books speaks to me (although I secretly think I could have written in in a more vulnerable way). Here the author is an expert on the subject and she is way too stoic for my liking. A bit too stiff and unattached for someone writing from her heart. She needs to take it up a notch in my humble opinion (given that she is the one invited to TED..and clearly not me (yet!)

I like how she talks about the notion of foreboding joy due to fear. I do that all the time. I am a walking forboding joy girl. “Oh that hug might be my last-might as well not give it!” Or “ya we are getting closer I am sure she will die soon and leave me lonely” or “can’t show too much tenderness as he will reject me and my heart will break”..”might as well not love him too much as he will move out one day anyways”

She articulated what I have always known.

And she talks a lot about shame too. I realize that my Dad when I was growing up caused a lot of shame in me that has made its mark on my life.One of the important things I remember with a big impact was the fact that he did not drive a car. We lived amongst the middle class in the suburbs and this ashamed me to the core. Tore me apart actually. Even to this day I will rarely tell people that we did not have a car and that neither parent drove. It is much harder for me to admit than many many other things. Why the shame is there Brown would say, is that I felt this could not be expressed. That I could not be vulnerable and admit it to my parents or my friends at the time. Admitting this shame could have set me free from it.

And her view on happiness and achievement and how they fit together or not fit together. She says the balance of both is the ultimate goal-which is a view I both share and aim for in my life. A life of both achievement and happiness. Not one at the expense of the other. A tricky balance to succeed in doing and hard to master..but she agrees the ultimate success story. True achievement and true bliss. What I want said in my eulogy that is certain (subtle hints for any of you willing speakersJ)

Overall I love the concept of vulnerability and I believe, as Brown does, that it is really the only true form of communication. And the only thing in life that will truly set you free.

Both being able to express what is inside of you….and receive (without guilt and shame) what others say say about you. And receive it as a gift.And she is clear about feedback. The receiver has to be ready-and also the giver in the right state to be giving feedback (if you have just wronged someone or have been hurting them your whole life-don’t expect a great reaction if you then tell them all the nasty things about themselves) To give feedback you must ensure you have done unto others what you yourself expect.

Made me think of the saying that people often use when someone is very vulnerable in their communication “ that they are trying to get rid of what is inside them and out it onto you”. I disagree with this, A lot.

I think everyone should not only have the right to get what is bothering them off their chest-but it is a gift –if done graciously to the receiver. And ultimately it is cruel to hold hidden grudges. The gift of proper, well timed and well intentioned feedback to me is the show of the highest signal of nurturing and caring.As long as once you give the feedback ..you are ready for the person response and perspective about YOU.

So I am very proud that a few people out there think that vulnerability is my personal brand. It is one that I am proud of because I have worked hard to be both head and heart in my life in all the roles that I hold both professionally and personally. Each day I show vulnerability myself, I see and feel the benefits of this vulnerability even if it is often it is hard and challenging and tough. Each day as I expose myself more and more……and show deeper sides of myself to the ones I love..I still struggle with it.

But when I do it I see the power…on others…the connection..the way they smile at me. The way they respect me and genuinely care for me very quickly. I see the power of vulnerability and what it does to access this in others.

I am not fully there yet. But day by day I become more and more undone..Which to me is magnificent.

And less and less do I forebode joy too. I admit to myself what both shames me and makes me feel guilt. I open treasure chests that set me free and allow music and writing into my heart. Each day I get closer to knowing what exactly is inside of me and reaching in and pulling her out.

“Daring Greatly” should be read by all. Taught to all at workplaces and beheld by families and institutions.

Vulnerability will be the next corporate culture buzz. Just wait and see.

 

(scary) Capable

You know when someone is so good at something you have to put the word (scary) in front to really make a point?

Well that is my Man.

He is scary capable.

At pretty much everything. Scary.

I have known this for a long time, but when I am on vacation and find myself with more time to ponder it becomes even more evident.

Like today-we went on this long sail. And he just knows how to maneuver the boat perfectly. In high winds-through islands. He came to a perfect and seamless stop. Woosh. Scary.

And he just fixes about everything: electricity, plumbing, roofs..literally anything.

And he is like the best cook on earth. Totally domesticated. Cleans better than molly maid. It is extremely scary.

And smart too! Scary smart.

And very very handsome.

A great Dad…as in scary great. Like if something ever happened to him my kids’ lives would be over right away. Totally indispensable and irreplaceable.

Anyways the sailing thing today just brought it all back. His capability that is. And when you are with someone just so capable you kind of just do nothing (aka take a beach pillow get in your bikini and lie on the boat as he sails you away into the sunset and you fall asleep).

It’s a life of luxury I tell you. Especially on vacation.

Thank goodness I have something to add to the family here and there in terms of competency.

I am strategic. And probably fairly emotionally intelligent. I nurture relationships. That is pretty much it.

He is capable and competent in every other area.

( Oh ya I plan a lot too. Like our entire lives).

And he executes these plans with precision.

So like it or not-I am married to one hell of a capable man. I often laugh when my Mom will make a comment like “maybe he should look it up on google maps or might get lost “ or…” does he know how to get to this or that place?”

Yes of course he does. Trust me he has it all covered.

He could get us anywhere at any time and always. He could save us in any emergency or crisis and have us saved on any island we are stranded on. He would always save us and know exactly how.

And as I write this it occurs to me how safe this makes me feel (and how lazy and dumb too!) I craved this type of competency from a man growing up. Coincidence I found it?? I think not.

I feel safe with this man. And above anything that is fundamentally important to my mere existence.

I let him lead the way as I silently and not so silently boss him around all the time.

Being married to him is like having a compass in every direction (food, safety, electricity, boating, fixing, cleaning, getting stains out, arithmetic, iPods fixing, recycling, putting the garbage out, fabric softner,wine corks)

You name it ..he does it.

See? I always knew vacations were good for marriages. Two weeks ago I was ready to kill him.

So go now and stop your whining and complaining and your obsessing and leave those children of yours at home and go away for an adult only vacation with your man!!. Seriously I mean it…your kids will thank you later (when there parents are still married) and you will see your husband in a whole new capable kind of light.

Pick up the phone-call the Grandma or 411 for the closest sleep-away camp..and get over yourself. For realJ

 

A Few Things I know for Sure....

Not many things in life make me envious and jealous. A few do though..and one of them is people around me having vacation even if I am  on vacation myself! That’s how much I treasure time off. It is funny though I am less envious of the grand travels like foreign countries and travels to far off places (I just feel badly for the people packing!)…I am envious of the staycationers and the cottages and the rentals on beautiful places on the sea. Anything that involves good old family time…rest and relaxation…and generally no schedule.

 

I love havingnothing to think of. I love the thoughts that go through my head that are just silly and random.

Time for silliness. Space for random.

Like carrying a dinner tray down to the dock last night and trying to remember which plate was mine and which was his” I am always right”  great riddle to remember who’s is whose.

Riddles.Random. Silliness. Bring it on. So different than my everyday life. Thank goodness for the cottage that provides us this on vacations and weekends. I cannot think of a better place to be.

That being said what I love about staycations or cottage vacations is also the time and space in my mind to get down to business (and not the real business of work that I am fine to ignore for a couple of weeks). Real life business. Re prioritizing. Getting things right. Doing things differently.  I always always between the random and silly thoughts make some lists at one point of how to be a better person. Have a better life…be a better wife..a better mom. Even if I am already abundantly happy I feel there is always space for more.

I am a firm believer that no matter how happy you are you always always have to keep being self aware, and moving in a different direction. Stagnation leads nowhere no matter how comfortable that place is. I believe in change..discovery..movement..learning..failing..succeeding. Taking big risks and shaking things up.

So normally I write these things down in various pretty cottage notebooks and often act on them privately. Or don’t act on them all and they stay in the pretty notebooks. What I found has more impact lately is writing them on my blog and having my friends and family and readers ask me how they are going. Accountability.

So a few of the things I will be doing differently. Some grander and some mundane:

-going more with the flow. Not even sure what this means but have been doing this big time in the last two weeks straight daily and man is it relaxing. Hmmm..Coincidental that I have had no kids for 8 days. Easy to go with the flow when kids are mostly at camp. If nyou don’t have kids and think your life is busy? Think again

-flaunting what I have. Getting more back into my body and my fashion. I feel that since I have turned 40 I have become more boring..more self-conscious, more inhibited. So far on this vacation I change outfits three times a day again. Body clinging striped bright tanks with little bathing suits skirts. Feels good. (I think the game  I play with Hubby of let’s look who is over 40 and what has changed about them in last few years is getting to me..Knowing that he and I have a million things that have aged along with everyone else)

-Order. This is a serious one. Hubby and I already started doing 5 mins tidy every second of every day and man does it feel good. 4 weeks now and I already feel the clutter in my mind and body shifting. Uncluttered house equals uncluttered thoughts. I have a long way to go but on my way there. Watch out kids. Your lives are in for massive change (except your bedrooms of which I am a firm believer are your own and except for food being left in there it is your creative space to manage as you see fit with a little small tidy every couple of days)

-This is the biggest one: days of simplicity. Moving body every day for 30 minutes/eating nuts fruits and veggies as snacks everyday/intuitive eating always/ order before and after work at home/putting time into my looks (aka actually brushing hair to go to work) carrying a pretty water bottle everywhere (and drinking it).

-Here it goes..if I write it ..it has to happen. Making curries and start baking. Start being more domestic in general (OMG shoot me now) But something about this appeals to me!!! I have not figured out why and how yet but it does. Something is simmering inside of me like a big pot of lentils.

-Go with the flow. See how important this is I had to write it twice

-Travel to places other than my cottage. I have some dreams lately and lots of them before kids get too old and have jobs that hold us back! I want Boston…and Bali..and leboat.com. I want Turkey and Greece and the Amalfi Coast in a convertible car. I want Savvy to take us to Outerbanks and show us her cottage life there and look in the sky at night start bright (take me one day with you all??). I want Chicago and a house swap in Swiss (any takers for a beautiful house in the suburbs???)

-I am going to tune in this year to something I have not fully tuned into in a while. ME. I partially have always done this but not fully. Downton Abbey, new interests, my framed pictures, cameras, sweet outfits, plenty of books. Moi.

Basically it all comes down to what I always want and have a hard time remembering: Back to the basics: some love, some fresh fruit, some mint from the garden, long walks, yoga, close connections, some good trips to look forward to, a tidy home, well behaved kids, some major goals and achievements, minty toothpaste, a good shower gel, kindness and a good read before I turn in. Oh ya and a bottle of water.

For now that is enough as kayaks are calling me and bread with both peanut butter and nutella with a banana on the side (why oh why do I have to be allergic to my favorite food!!!) What I love about my little staycation list is that it is simple..and whimsical…and not stressed. Did you notice there is NOTHING about parenting on there???? Could those 165 books I read have paid off?? (I somehow doubt it it is only because kids are at camp)

Xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

Lauren Kate

What 17 is Around Here

A girl at work said to me the other day” After you have been married 8 yrs it is all the same” Oh no it is not my dear!  Each year is unique..I would say every 5 yrs massively different. 17 is not the same as 8 and not the same as 25.

It all changes..just as you do..just as he does..just as you do as a couple.

It’s like saying a 5 yr old is the same as a 14 yrs old. Not at all.I have friends at the cottage who have been married 25 yrs and they keep telling us..”you just wait!” I could not agree more.

So yesterday was our 17^th anniversary, A splendid and lovely day. Perfect (and imperfect) in so many ways. I think we may have done all my favorite things. Woke up differently in bed (uncle and mom stop reading!)…..bit of reading in the shade…..I gave some gifts (notice the I part this year?)  kayak ride…lazy and delicious lunch on the dock…lemon meringue homemade pie…long long beautiful boat ride…nap on boat…reading on boat…throwing ourselves into water over and over and over…..drinks and reading in shade on bali bed….. Special card and promise of plastic bowls from Hubby (yup you heard right)….boat ride to village…going out for delicious dinner..boat ride back in total dark and Hubby getting lost. Me saving the day!!!!!!!! Sleeping out on dock on bali bed under the beautiful stars freshly soaked in Jacuzzi…..waking up to birds chirping and sunshine again and going straight into the lake. No kids for 5 days…Special special week

17 things that make it 17 and make it all us:

1-water people. He says his fave thing about me is that I am a mermaid. I go in water anywhere and everywhere. He loves boats, sailing, water water and water. Neither of us would ever consider marrying anyone who felt sick on a boat-just would never ever work

2-.we stick together. We do stuff together. Vacation is about us. Good memory as a child was my parents calling out “changing levels” that is us too. We follow each other around like puppies do.

3-we stick together. We have had some very tough times..still do. But we make it work. It is very very important for us to make it work, put in the energy. We committed 17 yrs ago and had three children together and we intend to keep it that way through thick and thin. Through great times and hard times.

4-We talk about our work together. Often. I love this. We share equally stressful and challenging and hard careers. We breathe the same air. And therefore require the fresh home air like oxygen.

5-We protect out time and know what needs to be protected. We shelter ourselves from alarms, dishwashers, works emails, dvds, anything else that threatens our peace of mind while on vacation. Most people want to do this..we do it. We need it. We make it happen.

6-We love our children to bits and think long term for them and for our family. We parent together and every decision made is both for their present and their futures and ours too. We have every intention of having the blessing of babysitting many grandkids here at cottage…taking them to ski lessons and teaching them how to waterski on a porte d'armoire.

7-We make time for what is important. Family, friends, relaxation time, work. We prioritize together and re-prioritize often.

8-We try to improve ourselves for each other

9-We both agree that if one of us dies we want the other to keep Trent and find happiness again (as long as we are buried together, have lots of framed pictures of us together all around the house, and the new spouse doesn’t mind that we will always be one and other’s number 1 and they will always always be number 2J

10-We like stress. We like relaxation. We both live on adrenaline (and god we have a lot of it)

11-we love good food. Yummy food-not fancy food. A few extra pounds will never be worth salads only. Carbs and cupcakes are alive and well in this home.

12-We know our limits and we make them clear-to others and to ourselves.

13-We feel gratitude and abundance for our lives every day. We also know we have worked damn hard at work, at our marriage, at our family to have what we do and we feel blessed.

14-We both understand that health is the most important thing ever

15-we love each other as we are. Scars, imperfections. We are both each other’s natural beauties

16-For either of us we both love love love our three children and our cottage. These priorities are very clear

17-Every year has it’s flavor. This one is do it differently.Sometimes you have to give up in some ways...to give in.

 

Happy Anniversary!!!!! We made it!!!! It’s a blessing and a miracle!!!!!!!

 

Love forever and always, Pookie Bear

Hit and Run

I never ever thought I was capable of leaving the scene of “an accident”

Apparently I am

No no.. not the car type silly!

The tampon hit and run.

You see each month when I have my period and I am at work and need to make a bathroom stop ..I get too lazy to bring my purse with me as I am often running to the next meeting. So…I just bring a tampon with me.

That being said you can’t just carry a tampon to the bathroom in your hand. I mean often on the way there I stop to chat-or shake someone’s hand or something, so I have to find a place to put it right?

It always gets stuffed right down my shirt at the top of my bra and off to the bathroom I go. This has worked for years.  Very simple and even makes me feel slightly mysterious and sexy believe it or not. Sorta like a little secret just for me within the professional environment (like the same as wearing no underwear)

Well..a few weeks ago-right in front of the elevators the damn tampon falls out of my shirt, slides down my stomach and out the bottom of my shirt and onto the floor!!!!!!

OMG.

Just as I am frantically bending to pick it up the elevator doors starts opening. I can’t take any chances of anyone seeing this and so I run away!!!! Very quickly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I leave the tampon there in front of the elevators in plain sight!!!

What else was I to do??

It really did feel like a hit and run . I felt criminal like.

I ran around the corner to the bathroom and hid in the stall with my face all red and  flushed. And I started really really laughing, Almost out loud. It was one of those "so funny pee in your pants moments" Thankfully I was near a toilet.

I  knew when I came out the tampon would obviously still be in front of the elevator and I had my bra all ready for it when I planned to scoop it up.

But it was gone!!! In the space of 4 mins!!!

Someone took it. OMG again!

An elevator full of tampon stealers or janitors I guess.  Or a girl who had a heavy period? Or maybe some guy took it and thought it was a pen?

So I went back to my office and laughed some more and then quickly wrote this blog as I realized that I had nobody to tell this story to. One BFF went on mat leave (how dare she have a baby again!) and another well she just went missing in action. Another friend is a guy.  Why do all my work friends leave me behind???

Somehow not sure my new boss would find this funny.

So I blogged quickly and no time to finish since I was at work and saved the draft half finished. I forgot about it until tonight when my Hubby and I were at a restaurant and he had a tampon safely tucked in his pocket and I needed it. He said “you have no pockets-where will you put it?”

And down my dress it went againJ

He looked at me in an awe and with slight admiration. I could see he liked this...a lot. He smiled and laughed…I could tell by the smile on his face what he was thinking.

“My funny wife”

I can always make my Guy laugh even after 19 yrs. together.

Anything involving boobs impresses guys and makes them giggle at 5yrs or 53 yrs. Ever notice that???

 

 

Gracefully

This week I am almost finished my part of Chapter 6 in the book that I am contributing too and I wrote a whole section of “Being the Bigger Person” It is a lesson I constantly preach to others and repeat to myself often.For the sake of peace sometimes you just have to plain suck it up.

Make that first call, give that first kiss, and accept that your life may not be as you planned it out to be. Be the first again and again. Initiate and go back again.Run back and catch them.

I find sucking it up in life and giving up on many levels makes for a much more peaceful life in general.

Even though it is exhausting to so often be the bigger person.

Sometimes you may wonder "who is being the bigger person for me?" (and there is always someone who is)

The more I live, the more I realize how poor communicators most people are. And often cowards. So many people just do not have the ability to deal with difficult situations and therefore just retreat and take the highroad. So often I am tempted to just let them. But I know the right thing to do is to run after them. If they matter enough. Make it better. Make it matter.

I find most people have good intentions they are just in their own worlds and their own shells and they do not realize the impact of their actions of lack or them. They are most concerned with their own families but at the expense of many many other people. I believe it is not just your family you should be concerned with but should go beyond that and your caring should extend to other people you consider important.

I had an incident this week with an acquaintance that I really really respect. But her lack of ability to communicate this week and articulate and say sorry for a particular situation just really turned me off. It is always about me, me and me. And hurtful. This same person is a massive church goer and gives back to the community continuously. Always shocks me as why not start with the neighbor next door first???? Share the love all around in practice and not just in Sunday school!

And in almost every situation I encounter lately it all comes down to the ability to be courageous, to articulate and to communicate

Deal with your shit.

But it brings me back to myself actually. Often I am not the bigger person either.There are a few horses I have been beating over the head lately (issues not horses) that no matter what I do..they do not go away or change. They are what they are and I cannot fight them any longer. It is so hard when you are faced with this knowing the optimal and how you imagine it would just be so much better. If only….

But as I wrote for the book last night I realized that sometimes the biggest show of grace is to simply bow down defeated. Not in as resentful way but in an accepting way. A graceful way. A forgiving way.

It is super peraceful to do this.

And to accept: this is how it is. I cannot change anyone else but I can adapt and change myself. How will I deal with this gap right now? What is best for me? And move on without a bitter heart and without resentment which is excruciatingly hard.

I am reading an incredible book right now “Still Point of the Turning World” and it is mesmerizing. A mother losing her child to a terminal illness and writing about it. Authentically. So sad and heartbreaking. It is so good I can hardly work as all I want to do is go back and read it.

It made me realize that when you are in a situation that you feel you cannot change (and that you have tried your hardest to change) grace is to be called upon. And communication.

They are your only tools and only weapons.

Sometimes the biggest gift you can give someone is setting them free from your expectations. Sometimes this sucks for them as they fall from some of your graces and that has consequences..but other times it liberates a part of you (and maybe even them) that you never even knew existed.

Changing your expectations and adapting to what is….can bring tremendous peace. Instead of fighting for the prize.

A prize you will likely never win.