Sacred and Necessary

Was so nice yesterday this week of over lunch with a good friend and colleague of mine I may have received the nicest compliment I have ever had in my life. He said what he appreciated about me most was that I always put relationships and people over and above everything and that it was apparent. I work with him too so was so nice to see that this shined through in my workplace. It really touched my heart to hear him express it in the way he did to me.

And then we got into this cool conversation about what other than people (as relationships top of his list too and for him like I anything to do with collogues, feelings, friends and family, conflicts, communication etc. are handled  with first priority  in his inbox rather than last-and at our place of work there are a lot of relationships and colleagues and conflicts and communication to care about!) So we started discussing other sacred or necessary things in our lives and listing them.

You see yes relationships important to me but also some “things & experiences” are important to me too:

-Flannel sheets-this made it onto my sacred and necessary list last night since hubby got for his bday and the best thing EVER

-Hunter slippers. How did I live without these prior?

-floating mats for the pool to tan and feel the sun on

-soft elastics to put a ponytail in my hair

-moisturizer, lipbalm and shower gel

-The Buddha on my fireplace (my spiritual side. Don’t believe in him-just like him there protecting me)

-the Zebra on my fireplace reminding me to always look closer for health and the hidden zebras that are not like the more likely horses that can lead

us to discover what is not apparent in health (inspired from the year we had last year)

-My rocks of closeness and separation

-My sickness surgery good luck charms that always does the trick and is used for everyone I know and their loved ones through health issues and surgeries. People at work know something is going on when I wear this quite unstylish piece of work around my neck!!!

-My protein shakes (never thought this would make it to the list)

-Restorative yoga classes (never thought this would make it to the list either

-Watching fave TV shows (scandal defiantly on my list, parenthood, Abbey)

-Having at least 2 days a week where not jumping out of bed with an alarm (few and far between lately but necessary overall in life)

-Having at least a few planned times a year with my BFFs where we get together and get our families together for special things. So so so necessary for me and will be until my grave. or at least I will die trying!!!

-Quality time with my husband, kids, mom and friends. I know I am sneaking in this relationship stuff but it is so so so scared and necessary. How do people skip this stuff in their lives when they get to busy??? Oxygen!!!

-Food and the looking forward to it. As my friend and I had lunch yesterday-he had me try all different places at lunch every so often as he and his spouse always go to these places and discover them and then he shows them to me  and we talk about how yummy the food is constantly and then I end up taking my family to them. Best and cheap places that /I crave and crave afterwards

-Flannel sheets-so good had to make it to the list twiceJ run run run to the store and buys some!!!!!!

So so so much more (books! Clothes! Everything!!) but have to get out of my bed and work!!!!

And So Today...again

I look today toward the lake again-it pulls me on important days. Calls my name-tries to send me messages through the fog and snow.

So unlike life..is death. I ask him again to watch over us and take care of us, his daughter, his sons, and his wife, his grandchildren. To again do in death what he was unable to in life. I feel strong and powerful and spiritual as I do it. Not at all  hypocrite-but feel it is my absolute right and privilege as a child, a woman, a mother a daughter to ask for help I need. I deserve it. I am asking for it. It belongs to me.

But yet today is a different day this Jan 13 than it was last year on Jan 31. Life has continued-I ask from a different place, a different stance, a different angle.

Today we are safe. Today we are stable. Today we celebrate the courage, resilience, the strength, the love in action of a father who is not mine but who belongs to me in every way possible. Who belongs to my children. To celebrate the fact that I was able to choose right and had the strength to give my children what is rightfully theirs.

And to celebrate the fact that I can know what I deserve even now from my own father and ask for it-even if others think it may be too late. I know it is not-and it is only what I know that matters.

Tonight we celebrate the anniversary of a date that will mark our lives forever. So private-so public, so heartbreaking, so beautiful. With so much power.

Tonight we bring in family reconciled and happy-Chinese food, homemade millefeuilles that I poured love into. We sit down together as we should-and pour real wine and sparkling apple cider into wine glasses.And I look over at the man I love with our wine glasses in hand and give him that wink from the eye that I knew one day would come. We are there. We have arrived.

We celebrate from a place of not good or bad or strong or weak. Every day we are vulnerable-everyday is a different day and a new place. We celebrate from a place…of what is. What we can achieve only together as a team. We celebrate from a place of true love and of true strength-hoping together that we can continue to build on the foundation that has maybe only just begun.

And it is the lake-always the lake that pulls us in. It will always be the water of the world that calls to us and keeps us safe.It will always be the lake that gives us the hopefulness and courage to continue...building what we know is good and rightfully ours.

The ability to claim it. For it to be ours.

Control Freak

For those of you who don’t it I am a control freak. Duh???? No news there for people who know me, deal with me, love me or work with me. I have gotten better of the years for sure but just like all the other control freaks I know that surround me-we are here to stay unfortunately.

My controlling issues are largely controlled a lot of the time-but I derail under stress-and certain issues are huge triggers for me. I have had a lot of triggers lately.

My sons new work schedule is one of them. Beauty’s ski competition is another which this year since her last year we are doing almost 100 percent commitments to vs 75% in other years. Bear is training to be a pre-monitor. Chase has his permit for more than 6 months now and preparing to get his driver’s licence. Bear does 6am trainings for kayak during the week. Beauty dances many days after school and now includes Friday nights

And what do all of these things have in common? That triggers me and my control freakiness?

1-Early early mornings so no sleeping in 7 days a week now

2-I am not the one who chose them. They were hand-picked by my kids

3-There is chaos much of the time because I don’t control the schedule because they are getting too old for that (I guess).

Let’s give a few examples here:

Chases new job coincides with Beauty ski training. They are at the same hill. Her timing is already lethal enough but now his timing is 30 mins earlier and 1 hr later than her. But that is some weeks and not others and each week it changes and he might or not might find out on the Friday by email. He has to be there 9 hrs but can get paid from anywhere between 0-4 hrs but it is hugely important that he be there super early just to be sure and is there super late. If he doesn’t do this he loses his bonus which total no joke about 12 dollars for the whole season. 12 dollars total that is just to be clear.

But I have to keep in kind this is a learning experience!!!!!! Clearly for me as much as him!!!! Today I stopped holding myself back and called the supervisor to get the hours clearly understood and was basically told to…… you get the picture. And you know what I did?. I got off the phone and cried. Yup. Cried. I have my period by the way.

Kayak at 6am-what a fun schedule! Before private school where you need to be in uniform and have your lunch and computer and all has to be perfect! Yup let’s tack on another hour of sweating and showering and carpooling! When I said yes I was told that a mom would drive every morning as she liked it-but that kid doesn’t go anymore! That leaves me and the other mom (neither of us much liking getting up at 5:30am very much!)

And trust me I know all of these problems are self-imposed. We choose them as a family (why is another question I guess). We are in the sandwich part of life trying to balance what is good short term (most of it sucks!) vs what will be good for the kids long term (hopefully most of it). Short term pain for hopeful long term gain happens a lot around here lately.

Anyways the list goes on and on. This is the hard part about teens….they are deciding now  and control things themselves-it’s part of growing up and learning right? But for control freaks it is damn hard because we know for sure we do it better so wouldn’t it just be simpler to skip the learning and juts follow me and listen to me? And ps while they control the schedules  we still have to drive.

I mean last week I was taking a restorative yoga on a Friday night and I was worried the whole time that because I left Chase and his girl at home alone that in 9 months I might have a grandbaby???? And this is supposed to be relaxing and restorative for  me. Try again.

(I think my husband must not divorce me simply just to avoid not having to share custody of the kids with me. Talk about a trigger for a schedule control freak. I think he is happier just dealing with this! He and I are both very clear that I would not be an easy partner to be divorced to. Better to keep me under the same roof and cage me when I lose it.)

Raising teens is very very hard. Especially if you try and do it the “right” way vs the “easy” way (once in a while I try very hard) Raising three teens at the same time is downright heartbreaking for someone like me who delights in writing activities in agendas and ticking them off as they happen.

I decided I was wrong and I am not ready to write a book about teens specifically  yet. I need another year of failure behind me before I start judging yours dear readers.

2 blog posts on same day! I must really need to vent!

Stops and Starts

Since Jan 1 I have been keenly aware of “finding my flow”. And the books claim that the best way to find it is to be more in tune with your desires. Look almost as an outsider of things you like doing-or don’t like doing- and take notice of them. Also of trends in your life of likes and dislikes and how you feel about them.

Well so far here is what it is shaping up to be (can’t say I am overly proud of my observations)

Like doing to the point I would never want to stop doing them at any point:

Sitting or lying on any couch or chair surface

Reading- lying down

Writing- sitting up with covers around me

Making lists-in any position

Sleeping pretty much anywhere at anytime

Eating yummy things

Texting (I know it could be an addiction for me so I put a lot of limits on it but I adore it)

Going into Jacuzzis outside

Getting massages

Spending time with my  husband and/or kids especially if it involves eating, sitting lying down or in a Jacuzzi

Here are things I also notice I like a lot

1-   Being very busy all the time

2-   Working

3-   Talking with my friends or Mom on or seeing them in person

4-   Doing yoga, long walks outside in all seasons, skating and any summer lake sport

Things I dislike:

-Mondays

-cooking

-cleaning

-packing

-starting vacation

-ending vacation

-not being busy (odd for someone who does so much sleeping and lying around eh?)

Trends

-I find it really hard to pull myself away from things . I dread the end of activities I like or work ending  and being interrupted. If I am liking what I am doing at work or at home-juts want to continue and resent to move to the next needed thing (therefore lots of resentment of interruption in,my life!!!)

-have a hard time with starts and ends of things

-I find constantly in my life even though I love lying around reading and writing I seem to never get to do these things a lot or for very long. I am always walking up for something, packing for something and running to something

-I am physically exhausted

Are we crazy to live in this climate?

In Quebec, snow and cold are just part of the everyday winter. I almost die of laughter when I read the blogs of those in hotter places complaining of the cold of their winters!! Ya..Take -30 degrees with a windshield adding up to -40 and be outside doing winter sports in it.

And actually I am not complaining as I love having various seasons like this. I cannot picture myself not having 4 diverse seasons like we do-it is actually quite beautiful. So on, most days I am not a complainer about cold or winter. I also adore summer and spring for the promise of summer. I adore Fall foliage more than most anything.

But all winter long even from my Canadian colleagues etc. all I hear are complaints about the weather. It’s annoying. Buy a warm coat and hat  now people! Go for it! Most people even hibernate all winter which is such a loss.. There are so many amazing outside sports to do and if you are dressed for it you are fine.

Long johns, down coats, good snowsuits, thermal socks with batteries etc (our three kids got this last year from us for  xmas and is the best gift in the world for kids who are on the mountain 8 hrs a day on weekends)We don’t complain much about weather  and certainly not on weekends. In the week it is a pain in the ass for sure-but part of  getting the four seasons.

That being said I walked out of work later Tuesday evening around 7:30pm and I opened my mouth to breath and my teeth were chilled to the bone and cold for real-it was then and there that I said (almost aloud) “Are we f…in crazy to live in this?” That same day I spent another 30 mins scraping ice off my van.

People lives in warmer climates must be so much easier –no shovelling, no ice storms, no taking and extra 30 mins every morning to clean both cars. The second time in the week my teeth froze I thought the same “what the hell am I doing here?”

But today I am reminded again. Cozy at cottage in front of fire preparing lunch before we go cross country and and then back to the house on the 4-4 to clear the skating rink on the lake. The three kids are all at the mountain since 7:45am. Today is the big dayChase starts officially the job with scheduled groups etc (we will see about that if it actually happens!), Bear starts his pre-monitor course in prep to be a monitor next season and Beauty continues her ski training competitions and the actual big competitions are next weekend. They all have their cold feet in their cozy thermal heated battery operated socks and hot pads in their gloves. Layers of sweaters and down coats.They will come home so so cold-but very fulfilled with rosy cheeks.

Winter is really disaster in so many ways but also so breathtakingly beautiful and was whole lot of fun if you can get into the spirit of it. And I guess that freezing teeth are just part of the overall charm!

So what do you think? Are we crazy?

Half Meaures

There was a blog I read this morning which spoke to me. She talks about half measures. Basically only doing things halfway instead of going full out. With often fatal or important consequences. She defines it for herself as weak or half assed attempts to achieve something.

And it spoke to me very much because it is my mantra in life not to do this for the things and people that I have defined important in my life. And my pet peeve for certain  is when the world around me (or I!) do not do the same.

At work people seem to get this idea. Go the extra mile. Focus on strategic important projects. 

At home many people also get this –especially when there is a stay at home mom-treat your family like your most important project. And then there are many people at work and with families who don’t give at rats’ ass at all of course about their work or family or both!

But I find that it is the people or situations between work and home that often get the half measures of people most often. Exercise, health,  treating friends well, committing to hobbies, taking care of ourselves, stepping outside of our own zone and busy lives and minds  and nurturing others. The list can go on and on and on.

In my own life there are many things I give half measures too-because either the motivation or the feeling just isn’t there. But you don’t hear me complaining much about the consequences and impact of these half measured attempts. But I also have plenty of deliberate areas I put my energies into full force and these are the areas I succeed in. I think about these areas almost daily-I know where my full measures go. And I take accountability and ownership for them

And we can’t give our full to everything and everyone that is certain. I most certainly don’t!  Make your choices deliberate at the very least! Decide way you will give your full ass to-your half ass to and what you will give no ass at all to! (He he!) And then try as hard as you might to stick to those areas of asses.

And then own these choices and live then and take accountability. And when you mess up? Own it. Be accountable and apologize fully for your shortcomings.

And if particular people and situations are not important to you then maybe you should let them know? Be more articulate and forthcoming and share with them that they will never be a full on ass for you? Or change jobs to something yon can give more to or want to give more on.

Surround yourself in a life that matters to you. Where the people, the experiences, the environment is enough to make it matter in and of itself. Where weak and half assed attempts to be even close to average or performing just don’t cut it in realms that you love, are passionate about, precise about and adore.

And let go of the life and people around you who don’t motivate you to want to give them your best. Or if you don’t let go of them at least be honest with them and let them know that they are last on your to do list and then let them decide what to do with you.

I adore this term half measure (taken from a breaking bad episode) Will add it to my list of book titles unwritten in my brain!!!

unforgettable moments that make up a beautiful life

I sat there last night so content, so in awe, so proud and so happy to be part of this family. This family in particular. My family.

There he was-so many things I wanted him to be that he is now. To be more clear- so many things I wanted him to feel and have that he now does. The happiness, the laughter the closeness with friends, the trust, the bonding, the confidence the leadership. And that he shares this with us so imitimately  at 17 yrs. old is even more impressive. I have always wanted to have this relationship with my son..All my children. I sat there basking in the sunlight he has always shone on me as his mother.

Last night we celebrated Chase’s bday out at a restaurant. It was always that kids could bring 1 friend to the restaurant or dinner and the 5 of us and my mom of course. Then they wanted two. This year Chase asked for three ! So we cut out anything remotely fancy and did fast food souvlaki. And we all had such a good time together. Really being  together. Was so cool.

I always worried about this kid. Forever it seems. Would he place the importance on friendship that I knew would make him happy? That I know is so special in life-would my kids do that? Could I help him? Would he build that village that I feel is so necessary for happiness and fulfillment? There he sat with these amazing three other boys and Bear and Beauty and I listened to their conversations. Music to my ears. They asked me questions too about my book! Wanted to see a picture of the front cover! We talked about Cegeps and parents and girlfriends and beer. It was amazing

If I think about flow and what gives me energy and  there is probably nothing like seeing a group of friends for me. Especially the kid’s friends. Being surrounded by them. Seeing my children interact with people other than us -close to them. It’s like a beautiful concert to me-a symphony of abilities, strengths, learnings, teachings and moments. It’s those moments that I pride myself in my parenting the most and is also my hardest critic. It’s like I see my kids come alive in these moments-I see what the world has in store for them

They give him a gift-kind of a joke bag full of crazy things that he opened one by one (a bathing cap, a rotten banana, his favorite book from grade 1, a beer cap, and they laugh and laugh and laugh and video it all to post on Facebook. I feel solid and good and feel all their abundance overflowing. They always say you can judge a person by the quality of friends they have-I could not agree more. I see him through all of their eyes. I feel so happy for him that he is surrounded by guys his age who are good to the core, bright, ambitions, loving, caring, smart . Cool-good looking, successful kids. I see what his future is shaping up to be. And I start to breathe better.

And they are all so appreciative. The thank you’s-the curiosity. But most of all that unlike all the teen books-they want to include us the parents –they want to include his siblings-they want to include my mom. And more importantly Chase does too. He is proud of us; proud of our ways, proud of our communication. We do not have a teen that isolates himself and disagrees with everything we say (only some things that we then negotiate on after big feuds). The books I read about sullen, unhappy, rebellious, confused teens are not applying to him.

And we leave there on his 17th bay celebration and know that I will always remember these moments. I will always remember his abundance of happiness. I will always remember the way he shared with us his beautiful life so gracefully. My thoughts are echoed by emails I get from Hubby and my Mom the next day commenting of how wonderful the night was and how beautiful. They get it. We have all three raised him together. Holding our breath at the same time letting it out at the same time. He has been our guinea pig and the one who worried us most. He is and was all of our first.

The way he winked at me during dinner-the way he gave his dad a hug and said “je t’aime, the way he  hugged each friend  to say thanks for the gifts-these huge 6’5 guys (vs our 5’6 guy) hugging-just love the confidence. The friends impecable manners: "Thank you so much for having us!" "And wow you must be so proud of yourself to have co authored a book- I cant wait to get a signed copy!"  His friend asking me if he could come to the cottage next weekend as he has weekend off and told me he cook help prepare Hubbys bday dinner that day and could I text him tomorrow to let him know if he could come to the cottage please?

Are you 17 yr old boys??? Really??? And I wished for girls all my life??
I adore raising a village of boys and girls who are teens. I could stay here forvever and just freeze time (when my kids are not screaming at  me I am an idiot that is)

I walked out of there and knew that instead of reading all the books on teens and how they are? It was time for me to get down and dirty about writing about what they could be. With very specific and important strategies in place used day after year and year after year. I felt last night finally that my coaching  expertise that has always 5-12 yrs. old in the work I do-now has moved to the teen years. It was a beautiful night and a comforting revelation both of his and my own future paths.

It all-just made sense last night.

What a lovely start to 2015. It feels so frigging good to write something positve and uplifting this year.