I was taught it from one of the best transformations
psychologists put on this earth from Legacy who I was lucky enough have teach
me and transform me.
It’s the way to see that the way that things occur to me
stem from my reality and experiences and is my perception which may have little
or much to do with the way things occur to you or anyone else. I have used this
as language over the last 3 yrs. and it has honestly altered my life.
Where are we at now? Chase was diagnosed 1 month ago with
ADHD by a qualified neuropsychologist. We are now doing research, talking to
many experienced people, meeting doctors, meeting with the school. All to
answer the question: How do we get him the appropriate help? To use meds or not
to use meds? Is this diagnosis real? What does it mean?
So below a snapshot in my other style of writing of what
has occurred to me up until now. Such an important part of my life and his life
to capture. An important part of our lives to remember and make real. To be
vulnerable. To be who we are. To share. With you
Intense is the word that comes to mind when I describe
my oldest son. Since forever. For forever. The moment he was born he captured
and kept hearts. His cry was hungry, his hands were strong, and his needs were
my needs immediately.
At 18 months my husband and I would often remark how we
felt scared to wake up in the morning and go get our son from his crib. A weird
thing for parents to remark right? Was he aggressive? Never! He was too happy
for us. Too full of life for our tired bodies. His smiles were so wide, his
laugh so loud, his eyes so sparkly that we were afraid that we could never meet
up, meet up to his charisma, his intensity, his charm, his need for us.
He was always so much. And so much more. Our love for him
was bigger than us, bigger than possibilities. We got over our fears and went
to his room of course day after day after day and loved every single amazing
moment. We went to bed at night still speaking of him. He captured us and still
holds us captive. Her has our hearts and our souls every moment of every day.
What picture comes to mind over the years of him from
2-15 yrs.? A big gorgeous rare type of dog actually. Except that in reality he
is a very small boy now teen actually and not a big dog. But his looks and his
eyes have always been like the big dog that everyone comments about one the
street. “The eyes! The hair! The perfect teeth! The tanned skin!” It’s been a
whirlwind of attention, and compliments and fascination on lots of levels with
this boy. Offers for modeling and possibly even movies. But the
problem? His looks don’t match his heart. And introvert in many many ways although,
looks the part of extrovert.
And that big beautiful dog at home? When you get home he
jumps up and licks your face and wrestles you to the floor and loves the hell
out of you. Then he steps on you and plays with you and licks your face some
more, and more and more again. As he grows it changes…his loves comes about in
other ways, his intensity shines through in other ways. Through interruption,
through temper, through impulsivity during games or conversation. But like that
loving companion he always was he always is and he always will be. He will love
you so much, and need so much, and give so much and want so much-that often the
feeling is that there is nothing left for yourself. Or your spouse. Or your
other two children.
He
commands that attention but he does not want it. And that is the catch 22.
So you spend your life trying to figure out ways to make
it change without changing him. To come complete with capability, and worry
less, and make room for other cells in your brain without him written all over
them. You do all of the due diligence and discipline. You create routine and structure
and walls to hold in the love and the energy. To make the home about everyone where
everyone gets their turn. You devote your life and a good part of your career
to the proper ”encadrement” and your ways are so effective and so good that
you share it with many people and their lives change with their own kids ADHD
or not.If it worked for him it will work for anyone.
You have perfected the discipline of parenting in many
ways even though that is never possible. Your brain works 25 hrs. a day . For
real.
And through it all never once do you really ask yourself “is
this normal”? you become suspicious over the years when you cannot have a conversation
with your other son in the kitchen and always have to move rooms if the older
one is there, or when every family game turns into a fight, or when even with
the best of studying and the mastery of knowledge a 38% can come back on a
test. You still don’t ask yourself what is going on when you worry about his
social life, and talk about only him to most people, when your blog was developed
because of him, and any psychologist you have sought help from is because of him.
You don’t ask yourself if this is normal when each time before bed and each time
as you wake there is an issue to discuss about him, a worry to be had, or a
feeling to be focused on. When you wake up in bed at night for 15 years you
never think of anything else but him.
You have always attributed it to the way you love him.
The intense way you love him. You have not never ever loved anything more in
the world nor might you ever. You are connected to him in every way possible as
he is to you.
And then one sentence in a book changes your life as it
becomes clearer:
“Parents of kids with
ADHD put a hundred times more effort and yield often one tenth of the results
from their parenting”
And you think of you, and all those hours and years and
moments and you cry, and cry and cry because you are starting to figure it all
out. And you start realize that your whole life and your family life has been
built around both the strengths and weaknesses of one person. That our home has
been shaped by one person’s needs in many ways. And where does that leave the
rest of us? Are we still there?
And then he comes to you at 14 yrs. and 11 months and
tells you what you should have already known “I want to be tested for ADD…I
need help Mom and Dad” And he goes through hours and hours and hours of tests
and interviews and so do we ….and it becomes clear. Clear as day.
And like a puzzle you begin to build it. Put all the
pieces together. Build the future together and the possibilities.
And weigh how much help you want or not want. And weigh
if you want to change what has become or embrace what you already have. To
trade sparkle and intensity for focus and concentration? Is that a good payoff?
For whom?
And you weigh what he will gain and you will lose and
that kills you to think about. Because you are not ready to let that big
beautiful face licking puppy go are you now? You selfish bitch! It’s about him
and not about you!
But this has become our live and I love our life and I am
afraid to make changes to it.
I am afraid that he will change. And I am afraid the help
we will give him will work. And he will grow up into the potential he has
always had waiting for him. And it scares me to death it does. Or maybe the
opposite and the medications will scare him and scare us, and make him
depressed and sad. Or they won’t work at all and he will lose confidence and
security?
And medication????????
Medicating my baby neurologically? Are you kidding me??? How did we get
here?
And so I research and I share. And ADHD is a very lonely
place to be, because often it is not believed ort noted as something important.
Although it is very important. Some people around me make it very important and
some people around me make it as though it is popping an Advil for a headache. And
I get it totally. It seems like every 10th person has an attention issues
right? Why not take a pill to succeed more sounds like a good idea?
And at the same time…I have felt so much support and I
have felt powerful in being able to ask for it. Having the courage to ask for help,
my biggest and brightest character flaw. Realizing once again who I can count
on in our lives and who I cannot.
So this week is decision week it is. And I feel sacred
and sad and lonely. So does Chase as he realizes what has happened and what is ahead.
So we muddle through. And talk...and communicate. And I repeat over and over
and over that I love him exactly the way he was and is and will always be. But
it’s time for my puppy to get help and support that will make a difference. Not because we need it at home or we want to change
things, or for him to get better marks or for him to change anything about the
lovable guy he is…
But to face the future. And to get what he needs to enter
the adult world in a few years with the tools that he needs in the proper
places. To, look outside of our home and our world and into his world and his
future.
The hardest part of parenthood. Will always be letting go
and seeing them on their way. Giving them one suitcase and umbrella at a time.
Making
one mistake at a time
Even though you know it is not only the right thing to do
but your obligation as a parent. Giving up part of your comfort for theirs. And
planning for their comfort to come. Preparing them to not only be comforted by you.
But to be comforted by others and to eventually be the comforter too
Ready to take on the big and bad and beautiful world out
there. Both with you and without you.
And that is how it is all occurring to me so far.
And how it occurs to me is the only thing I know for sure
