It’s funny often I play this game in my head at work when
people give an important speech or presentation…that I look at them and wonder”
does your family know this brilliant side of you?”
Those same people I see at the family days with their
kids and the Christmas parties struggling to get their two year olds on Santa’s
lap. Dressed in jeans and baggy sweatshirts. I think in my head yet again as I
see their wives and husbands by their side “do you know how amazing your
partner is, how charismatic, how wonderful, how smart and driven? Do you have
any idea?”
And very often I come to the conclusion that the spouse
and kids definitely have no idea. That part they don’t see,
Well the other day I work it occurred to me that my
family does not know an important side
of me much either. The work me. Also my friends, my Mom, my uncles and aunts…….what
I do at work would probably be quite surprising to them. Except to my husband (often)
I barely talk about work all that much. For whatever reason, I am not sure..but
I don’t.
Despite that work is a huge part of me-it defines me on
so many levels. Take it away and I would be a mess. That I know.
With the absence of a senior leader for our group in the
last few months I have stepped up my game quite a bit. I have the President’s attention
much more often and am invited more often to his boardroom. I am autonomously
and independently leading critically important complex data driven meetings and
leading groups of senior executives to important and critical decisions for the
business in many ways,
How am I doing this????? Even I don’t know. I have always
been a middle Manager or Director with a small team in my careers but never
part of the Executive team. Why is that? For many reasons…mostly that my time is
too precious to me and I like a layer between me and the biggest decision maker.
However these last few months it has been me, myself and I and I and I have managed.
More than managed. Our team at work has also been coming to me for advice,
support, to help make decisions. I like leading. I am good at it.
Another thing that keeps me from a role at the senior
level is self-doubt. Am I really good enough? Is it possible? However as I looked around the table at the group
that sat before me..they seemed not that much more sure of themselves necessarily either. I remember reading somewhere that most top executives actually
feel like they have no clue what they are doing and their biggest fear is that
they will somehow be figured out that they actually don’t know what they are
doing! I felt better somehow when I read this. A bit like stage fright before a
performance..if you don’t still have it chances are you don’t take enough risks.
High performance is never in one’s comfort zone. Great leaders always doubt themselves and their abilities.
All I know is that the other day I was in my element. I
felt like I belonged there…one day….but for that day it gave me huge adrenaline.
To prove to myself especially that I can do it.
And that there is a place at that table for me maybe should I ever
wish to sit in it very possibly at this company or another company if I develop
and learn and want that one day . Right
now I am just smart enough to know what that seat entails and I am not willing
at this point to give up even one day of vacation with my family for any
business review or business crisis.
And therefore this kind of self-knowledge and savvy of my
values and boundaries….make that seat perfectly not for me at this stage of my
life.It is fit for many other people.
I like seeing what gives me adrenaline in life be it the
President’s ear…or a smoothie made in a blender on a summer night by my son.
Both are precious. Both are me.
I wonder what my husband, my kids and Mom would think if
they saw me in my element that day…and I wonder if it would surprise them or
just confirm what they have always known about me?
It’s kinda fun to have a secret side. I rather like it.
