Friendship

I usually try to come up with some sort of semi-interesting title. This one however I just wanted to leave it as it is….fresh and clean and simple. Friendship.

Is friendship simple though? Definitely not. Like marriage..or any close and meaningful relationship it can often take hard work. And not in a negative way…but in a way that takes deliberateness work and effort.

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately especially as it relates to our three kids growing up and peers becoming increasingly more important. What friendships means to them? To me? Where does it fit into the overall scheme of our lives?

It’s funny because when I think back to my childhood and adolescence friends were very very important to me. I was also very very close to my family. Despite having a father who was mentally ill most of my life….our family was close. My mother was always my best friend too. My days and evenings were happily spent confiding in her, lying in her bed afterschool and in evenings chatting, shopping with her and hanging out with her. But I also had a lot of friends too who were very important. As I got older boyfriends and their parents became super close. Relationships were always top of the list for me. I still feel a day is not complete if I don't hear from my Mom-and she feels exactly the same way.

I have always had big dreams for our kids when it comes to friends. I guess I always picture a ton of them around, almost like part of our family, in and out of our house…our kids at their houses for sleepovers… gang of kids calling for our kids to come over and begging to come over to the cottage for the weekend.

And then I had two boys first.

And things were not exactly as I imagined.

The first one always had friends..lots of them actually..but he was never a groupie. Friends were not all over the house all the time..nor was he at their all the time for many years. Sure he had sleepovers and play dates and was invited to birthday parties. He even went on a 2 weeks trip to Iles des Madeleine with a friend’s family for two weeks! But there were not so many friends that we had to buy two blows up mattresses to accommodate them. He was more of a 1-1 guy and also a big homebody. He had a very active social life at school but less on weekends. Friends were way more important to me for him than they were to him.

Boy number two……super popular. Everyone has always wanted to be his friend. He has like a thousand girls swarming him. Friends all over the place. And like Chase..likes friends a lot. Sees them a lot…enjoys them all a lot. But he is also very content to be home a lot too-hang with his siblings….decline invitations. Not necessarily make plans with the friends. Is happy to plan one day before. Some weeks he can have 6 friends over and other weeks he can ignore friends for weeks. At school he is a big groupie and home he doesn’t care very much.

All this to say I have had households of kids over sometimes and often and empty home. Kids coming to the cottage with us with their friends and then months and months without friends coming. And all of this is fine and has had many advantages too as our family is very close and together and our kids are all best friends (who fight a lot while they are besties!)

But the truth is……it has always gotten to me a bit and made me anxious. BECAUSE AREN’T THEY SUPPOSED TO WANT TO BE WITH FRIENDS ALL THE TIME? AND ARE'NT I SUPPOSED TO BE ORDERING PIZZA BY THE DOZEN ON FRIDAY NIGHTS?

Then my daughter came along. She has always been surrounded by friends. Has a group of 5 best friends. But same old same old….she doesn’t really care. Often the four of them will join a swimming lesson together or a dance course and she doesn’t care at all. Doesn’t even ask to join. Other times she is with them all the time…others times she isn’t. She goes through many stages on this.

They are all remarkably happy at various stages of their lives to be home..with us..With each other. Good thing eh? Over the years I have learned to love this vs get anxious about it. Good for me.  As just as I have gotten used to all of this over the last few years and adapted my expectations and started not to give it so much attention…

Abracadabra………the friends come piling in J))

Chase has had a BFF now for 2 years straight…pretty much sees him all the time he can. And lately a group he hangs out with on Friday nights. The BFF hugs my daughter goodnight and he takes lifeguarding lessons with my other son. I text him about once in a while (in English) and he texts me back about this or that. I love that.

Bear is Bear and can have 5 people over at time and then see no one for a while. But he often very constantly now has a stream of new friends in our home and just as often is by himself. His friends are some of the nicest people I have ever met. One of his friends who we have known forever is like part of our family-we all go and run and hug him when he comes over and lift him up in the air (he is so sweet and cute.) I love this.

Beauty now is the most social butterfly ever (but still also loves being alone). Now that as of this summer we gave her much more freedom-she biked and swam and saw friends every single day. She goes to her Dad’s office daily afterschool to steal chocolates form the reception with a different friend everyday (and not even the girls! Other friends) She has a steady stream of lovely girls in our home and also today even went to a boy’s house after the second exam. Last night with the five girls over and our little celebration for the acceptances I realized how happy I felt. How much this gives me adrenaline. I loved having these lovely kids over….joking with them all. Laughing…coaching them on issues…..feeding them. Spoiling them….watching them blossom. I was so happy. Having a daughter really rocks in this area…the loads of girls and fun conversations with her friends and she etc… I adore this.

So you see they all go through different friend stages…they are always content….but I am happiest when there are many and it has always been like that. And I know that I have nothing to do with it..I don’t’ matter in this..but I still know what I feel and admit it!

Some of my happiest happiest memories in my lifetime were sharing my family with my friends. It is what my friends loved about me that we could hang out with my family and have fun. At my Dad’s funeral most the guests were my brother and my friends from childhood giving eulogies. I had a wonderful balance in my home and my heart of friends and family and I crave it on my kid’s behalf for them.

This school year my craving has been satisfied. Even if it does not stay like this I got a taste of it….and it has been great.

And I see it all spills into my own life too….my love of friends.They are on my mind often..so often and I adore the joy they bring to my life. And I don’t really like parties or even acquaintances…more of an introvert when it comes to that. And I don’t need friends around me all the time either as am very solitary and love being in a couple and in our family much of the time. But I also adore my friends too and my talks and texts and times with them. When we all get super busy…something feels like it is missing. PS I won’t be a great empty nester..just saying.

And it all gets complicated I tell you. Diversity..Different needs…different perspectives…different feelings. But just like marriage it is a long and forever journey filled with obstacles and winding roads and rainbows sunshine and rain.

AND I WANT IT ALL. For me..for my kids. For the richness of our lives.

I will always be the girl who even in these crazy busy lives wants to balance my family with friends…like red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese icing. The two necessarily go together right? I can’t eat it plain.I will always be willing to order a million pizzas and open a zillion bottles of wine and gather the people I love (and only the ones I love as I am very selective when it comes to friends) in a messy and crazy house. And watch the love flow……

And I will always be happy clean up the mess afterwards.

I love my kids to bits and I love being witness to their journeys. Watching the friends they choose love them and them love them back, seeing the bonds they form and that they choose to break…..having some of their friends as familiar to me as my own kids at various stages of their lives.

Watching those little girls in my living room Friday night-all accepted to high school and so excited for their futures….imitating Hubby and I and our funny habits..laughing, pinky swears…brought me to the best memories of my life and the best part of me. Seeing it  all…being part of it all. Remembering it all…reminded me of who I really am at the core.

And made me thankful that my kids are getting a taste of this happiness in their lives. So happy for them and their villages ….that will live on an on and figure out who they are and who they want to be...in the often wonderful company of others.