.JPG)
“I am not sure God…probably not…but for the first time
ever..I have felt you I think”
On the yoga mat last night in the upward facing dog -I
felt something I have never experienced before. The sun streaming in from the window
as it set onto my lime green yoga mat
in particular. I felt light shining upon me (literally). I looked around
and it was only my mat..only me. The class
felt almost surreal-I followed the poses but was also on a deep state of relaxation
in in my mind..in my heart…in my body. I can honestly say this has never occurred for me before.
Not even for a minute unless maybe I am asleep and even then it races.
I think I may have gotten my gift for my 42 birthday
today.
Is it
possible that my gift is Peace?
Could God be in the form of peace, compassion, kindness
and love. Letting go of control, living
in grey and ambiguity? In not having to find a solution to everything right
now, trusting in relationships, using compassion as my compass and accepting feelings
of uncertainty will exist? Could God be in the way I have allowed myself more
and more and more as each day passes to believe in the world and the ways of
the universe?
To finally finally feel that maybe (and just maybe)
without the wave of my magic (and very effective and efficient) control wand
that the world may keep turning around me. That people can succeed (very well)
without me?. That I can succeed without them too if I need too? That I can love
and hurt at the same time?
That I finally understand what my three mentors of a
lifetime have told me from the moment they met me in various ways . I finally seem to be able to take their advice.
I have learned my lesson and yesterday it has come in the
form of peace and sunlight and love. All by myself on that yoga mat with the
leaves outside the window flowing in their orange and red splendor. Beautiful
October. Mine.
I felt complete within one of the more complex and complicated
weeks of my life. I was able to handle two opposite and opposing feelings at
the same time: Love and Hurt in so many situations. It felt like my final test.
And
I passed: Just barely-but I passed.
That beautiful peaceful spiritual moment was topped off
with a touching encounter. A woman who I have gotten to know over the last few
years slowly but surely made me smile ear to ear and left me with the feeling
that this year was full of wonderful things ahead. She and her husband are the janitors
of the big building where I work whenever I work past 7pm I see her and we shyly chat
about her kids, my kids, her life, my life. She is African and a wonderful
happy soul. We are two very differrent people.
Last week she came in with the exciting news that her daughter
had her graduation from medical school. I have never seen such pride in a Mother’s
eyes. She told me that the audience watching the ceremony was asked to refrain
from any applause until the hundreds of students received diplomas. She told me
her and her big clan got up upon her daughter’s names being called and did an
African dance and call.That many people in the audience joined I!!! Loved this.
I am such a rebel and hate these type of silly rules in many ways. Clearly so does she.
Anyways after her story I told her Beauty was writing
exam last week and she was so excited for us.
Yesterday after my soulful yoga moment on my way up to
office-there she is with all her cleaning truck in elevator. She jumps out of elevator
and leave the cleaning stuff in there (and so
it goes up and down 6 floors by itself). She says “So???????”
And I say “She got in!!!!”
And she grabs me into a massive hug……does a bit of an
African yelp for me…and tells me in her beautiful and rich accent meaning every
word with utter sincerity and honesty
“You tell your daughter…me and my African clan will be
there for her at her dance show next year. And we will get up and cheer for her
too”
For some reason….on some level….oddly enough…strangely
and out of character for me….this was by far the best gift I ever expected to
get for my birthday today. A bunch of love from a strange and new place. Love I
was not looking for or expecting but that I had created and deserved.
In the sunlight in child’s play pose and again in her
white teeth smile wrapped up in her beautiful dark skin and piercing eyes, I felt
something move and shift in me.
I
felt something that reminded me of what people might call God . For which I call
letting happiness and abundance flow and feeling I deserve it. Feeling like Peace...could not only be mine..but is mine.
